Doing The Right Thing

Being joyful is hard when it feels like the world is just beating you back over and over again. We have all been there so many times, and we will all return time and again until we die. That is the way the world works, the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows. There are certain particular events that can seem to obliterate any hope at ever seeing joy again and those that cause so much anxiety we stop eating and sleeping. It's hard not to get caught up in these events and get lost in the despair. For me, one of those events is tomorrow. Without giving too much away, some events have taken place at work over the past few months. I love this new job more than anything and would like to be there for the foreseeable future, but an administrator that works with me has been making me very uncomfortable. At first I thought because it was only words or comments or winks that it was ok because it wasn't really touching. I didn't want to have to out his secret in the process of bringing to light the events that occurred. With him on vacation so much more has come out that he's done and said and he has a history with it. He's gotten away with it before and is used to getting his way. He's manipulative and sneaky. He enjoys pitting people against each other just to entertain himself. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told my administrator and some things from the staff come out to shed even more light on the revelation. In the end one of the director's was emailed about the situation;of course, I believe I have the support of my co-workers and administrators. The staff are the ones who came to me after all with stories of their own. Well, when I didn't hear from anyone until well past five I thought nothing of it. I can deal tomorrow and face it then. 

Then I got a text message. "Can you come meet me tomorrow morning at 10am?" Well, of course I responded yes. I am so nervous, so scared, so afraid. I don't want anyone to find out and think I'm trying to get him into trouble. I don't want to be the cause of gossip and rumors about him. I don't want him to somehow keep his position and then use this against me or to make me uncomfortable from now on. It's so stupidly scary and intimidating. Now that it's been said I feel better, and I didn't realize it was even weighing me down. My chest feels a little less tight and heavy and I feel a little less uncomfortable and anxious about work. It was the right thing to do, but I am still so terrified for tomorrow. What if no one believes me? What if he stays here at this house? When is he going to find out what I said? What is he going to tell others then if he's already trying to turn people against me? Am I going to lose my job? Would they just transfer me and leave him alone to make it all go away? These are all the thoughts barreling through my head at light speed and all at the same time. I can't focus. I have to keep stopping myself and taking a minute or two to just pause and tell myself to relax. I tell myself it was the right thing and that if I didn't do it then he would just do it again to someone else. How could I live with that? Even if something bad happens I can live with myself knowing I did the right and honorable thing. I want to act with integrity. Plus the ball is already in motion, there's nothing I can do to take it back or stop it now. Here goes. 

I still struggle every day and with just about every challenge. There will always be challenges and turbulations. When I start to think about the situation or I start to worry or stress I force myself to think of something in my life I can't live without. Something I am so thankful for. Most of the time it's my loving partner. Today my first "Joyful: The Pursuit of Life" shirts came in and I can't wait to wear it tomorrow. I focus on that for my Friday instead of the stress boiling over in my head. Now I can wear my tee shirt reminder to help keep me thinking joyfully all day long. The point is, it will always be a battle but the more armor and weapons you have the easier it is to win and the better chance you have at surviving. When it gets hard take a deep breath and make your mind focus on ony one thing. One happy thing. That, what you just did, that's being joyful. That's joy.