Rule #5 - Find Your Joy & Share It - Part 1

Part 1:

Here we are, the 5th and final rule on the road to finding joy. This one is the most important and it builds on the foundation of the first four. So many of us feel that emptiness, that void, left from the joy we know should be there. So many know that pain and longing for something more. What we seem to blind ourselves to though is the fact that the joy we want so badly is all around us just waiting to be seized. We have to be open to it when it comes our way, we must be able to recognize it and know how to accept it. We must choose to be joyful and live with intent. Never stop looking for the joy in life because it is always there, just coming from different places sometimes. Find the things that make you happy and hold on to them, hold them strong as a life raft and never let go. When the dark skies gather overhead those things that you carry with you are what will be your beacon of shining light in the storm. They are what will rescue you and what help carry you along through life. 

It may help to keep a journal, write down one thing every day that made you joyful. Or just write whenever you can remember to. Write before bed or carry it with you and write throughout the day. Use the Notepad app on your smartphone, or another journaling app. Make a photo journal if you like to take pictures. Do whatever it takes for you to recognize your joy and grab hold. You can start by looking for and recognizing things around you that you see everyday that bring you even the littlest spark of joy. Maybe it's the special coffee you get every morning or the color of the sky just after it rains. Maybe it's the smell of the ocean or maybe it's the feel of the forest floor. It could be reading a new book, an old book, a favorite book, a comic book or just about anything else. Joy is specific to each and every one of us, just stand still and listen - you will hear the call of joy. Too many times we put so much time, effort and energy into trying to be happy and joyful that we don't see what's right in front of us - joy itself. The noise that we make and the clamor from all of our actions drown out the truth facing us everyday. 

I recently saw a quote from Chuang-Tse saying "Perfect happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness." It is confusing to think about at first, searching and yet standing still. How does that work? Well, it's pretty easy if you just let go. Stop stressing, stop worrying, stop grinding your teeth, stop biting your nails and every other bad habit that exists. The active part comes from choosing to see the joyful things in life and focus on them even with the troubled and dark times. Standing still means taking a deep breathe to realize that you are alive and things will be ok. When you take a second to stand still and focus on your breathing or your heart rate it becomes much easier to rationalize and make yourself understand that in this moment you are living and thinking. For that alone you can be joyful. It is just like love, don't go searching for joy or you will never find it. When you search for something your vision becomes tunneled and focused and you lose sight of the things surrounding you, the very place where things are always hidden. Take a moment today to relax and focus. Try to do it every morning or everyday at lunch or every morning in the car. It can be for ten minutes for for two. Listen to your favorite song or look at your favorite scrapbook. Take a moment for joy because however cliche we don't know if we will get a tomorrow or not. We don't know if we will get a later today or not. We must treasure the greatest gift we could ever receive, joy to fill the short time we are here on this planet. We can get caught up in life and work and our crazy hectic schedules and forget that we are mortal and our time here is limited. We do forget to stop and smell the roses, which we say we don't have time to do now but what are we going to think and feel the day we die? Will we wish we had taken it in more then? Yea, probably, so let's not let it be too late. It's never to late to change, ever. Don't be like a fallen leaf carried place to place on the wind, let yourself take a minute and just soak it all in. Things are never as bad as they seem to be, don't let yourself get tricked by all these people telling you where to go and who to be. You are you, there's no changing that, and there's no changing that you are going to die someday - let's live the time we have filled with and motivated by Joy. Find Your Joy & Share It!

The Path Ahead - Looking Down The Road

A vision for the future, a goal to work towards. With this blog I want to make a difference. I want to turn it into something to really help others and help others help themselves. Coming up to my thirtieth birthday this summer I have been taking a hard look at my life and evaluating my priorities and plans. I want to leave a lasting legacy here on this earth, just as we all do, but that legacy to me doesn't have to be something huge and extravagant. Even something small and hidden can influence people and things for years to come. If people don't remember who I am that's ok, I would rather them be able to remember the things they learned about joy and carry those things with them wherever they go for the rest of their lives. By putting out there my journey to find joy I can hopefully help others fulfill their own journey to a rewarding and meaningful life. To be able to make that kind of difference is all that I want. 

I have to start somewhere though, and that somewhere is right here - Joyful: The Pursuit of Life. I have a vision to use my writing skills and my own life experience to start a community of encouragement and support. I want to start a movement - so here we go. Come join me and let's make a real difference. It all starts with one person deciding to make a change. Looking ahead there are five things that I think we should be working towards. They are as follows:

1 - Application for iPhone/Android - I would like to develop a real smartphone app that allows people to post their joyful moments and share with each other. I want to have a community of support available at everyone's fingertips. More than Facebook, I want to focus on the positive joyful things in life along with the negative hard things going on to help us learn that those hard times will always be there but we can condition ourselves to look at the joyful side of things instead. 

2 - Journal - I really would like to develop a daily journal, online or in print, to help people record their moments of joy to help them focus on those things and draw strength from them. I want it to be something we can go back to throughout the day and say hey - see there, there are good things happening right now I can focus on. A journal to express not just your joy but also the fear and stress and anxiety that the joy is working to conquer. Those negative feelings are there too, they can't be ignored. We have to get them out and then figure out how to deal with them.

3 - Workbook - along with the journal something that helps us as we work through each day and try to focus on those positive things - something that seems to be a daily struggle for most of us. 

4 - Book - eventually I would like to have all of these ideas and prompts and stories but into book form, something you can really sit down and delve into. 

5 - Bracelets - like those rubber wrist bands - something fun and silly to help remind us every time we see it that there is something in life to be joyful about and no matter how hard things seem to be now it will get better. The power of positive thinking. 

There are many avenues to explore, from fundraising to sponsorship to maybe even a Kickstart campaign. The point is I now know where I want to go and where I want to take Joyful: The Pursuit of Life. Come, join me on this awesome adventure. Be a part of your own journey and connect to the wonderful world all around you. 

Finding Your Own Personal Joy - The View From The Top

Welcome back! It's been quite a few months now, but they were months well spent. Time flew by in what seemed like only a moment and before I knew it some of the biggest milestones in my life had passed before my eyes and I was already moving along to the next one. Of course in the moment, so often, it feels as if time is crawling by at a pace so achingly slow that it's all we can do to make it day to day. The hard part is seeing the big picture well enough to know that the true meaning in life comes from those day to day moments that we so often forget to cherish.

For as long back as I can possibly remember I have always secretly wished for only one thing in my life, something I never thought would come true. Every birthday wish, every shooting star and every lucky penny was spent asking the universe for a single simple thing. I wanted to get married. It's not exactly how it sounds though. I wanted to be married yes, but I wanted it because that would mean that there was a man out there who loved me so much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and would always be there with me. I didn't want to be alone, which is what I felt like so often growing up and even in college. I didn't truly have a real date until I was a sophomore in college. In high school I would quietly sit with my back against my locker and my headphones in while reading a book and looking at the couples all around me from the corners of my eyes. I yearned so bad for something like that, even though I knew these relationships were all temporary and almost meaningless I still wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted. I wanted to feel secure and safe.

Every break up I went through tore me apart, the first one being the worst and most violent - another story for another time. Each one sent me into a manic episode lasting from minutes to days. As I got older and my emotions became stronger it seemed as if the strength of my bi-polar swings became more and more. The need and desire to have that feeling of being loved was stronger than ever. I remember the crushing feeling in my chest that made it feel like I couldn't breathe. I ended up in the hospital a few times, the last time being when they adjusted my meds for the last time to get them much more level. There were a lot of up and downs. A lot. I had to learn to love myself and then how to accept love from someone else. It took a lot of work, time and patience - both from me and my now husband. I say all of this only to show how important this milestone has been in my life. From the moment I met my husband in 2011 I knew that we were connected in a way I had never known or felt and couldn't explain except for the electrifying feelings coursing through my veins. At the time I was dating someone else and he was living with me. I just knew though, I don't know how. Walking him out that first night I remember turning the corner in the hallway and asking myself in my head how I was going to get him back over here again because I had to see him no matter what. He made us take it slow and we stayed friends for months, slowly working on becoming the best friends either of us has ever had. That was the best decision we ever made and why to this day we are still the best of friends. 

He proposed when we were visiting my family back in Tennessee, which was perfect, and we got married four years to the day of us meeting in Los Angeles. My wedding was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. The whole time I felt numb from disbelief; was this really happening to me? I expected any and everything to go wrong at any moment, but nothing did. It was perfect. Oddly enough I could't stop grinning throughout the entire ceremony and had giggling fits throughout that I couldn't always hide. I mean, what can I say? I was excited, happy and nervous. I wouldn't have changed a thing. We thought we would have only eight guests or so but we ended up with over twenty and while none of my family could make it my best friend from college was my best man as I had the honor to do for him. It was magical. Right after the ceremony we drove straight to Las Vegas and spent a week there for our honeymoon at the Luxor Hotel & Casino. We had a blast and just enjoyed being together and having fun. 

One of the adventures we took while there was a ride on the High Roller Ferris Wheel at midnight in a bar cart. It was a half hour ride in a big fiberglass bubble that went higher than I truly ever wanted to go. I am deathly afraid of heights but I wanted to do something new and exciting that I normally wouldn't. While I did spend the whole time glued to one of the few seats sipping my drink I was able to hold my fear at bay long enough to be awed by the beauty of the city lights and the warmth of my loving husband next to me. I remember sitting there looking out and pushing down that feeling in the pit of my stomach while I tried to focus on picking out different landmarks that I could recognize when it all of a sudden struck me - even though I was scared sh*tless, that didn't mean I couldn't find joy. Like I have always said joy isn't what we have been taught it is; it isn't keeping that smile plastered on your face your whole life and it doesn't mean you can't also feel fear or discouragement or anger at the same time. Besides that, I had the man I had always dreamed of my whole life standing next to me the whole time I was sitting there so scared. Life is a complicated mess of feelings. We just have to find the joy mixed in with everything else and bring it to the surface. We all have our own personal Joy, a limitless joy. Our job in life is to seek out that joy and hold on to it once we find it so that we can live a truly full life. It isn't easy, it takes constant work - but that's life. It's right in front of our eyes, even if obscured or hidden from view. Looking down on the city lights I got to see the city as a whole, the little flaws and marks disappearing from view. I realized then that I could be joyful even with my fear and more than that, it is the principle of joy in life - it's never there just by itself. To have joy we have to have every other piece of the spectrum. Those little things don't look so bad when you take a step back and look at the big picture, even if it's scary to do. Life will never be easy, we have to find our own personal joy in the mess of a life each of us has. Realizing that I finally had every dream I had ever had come true made me see how much I truly have to be joyful for all around me, I just have to open up my eyes. That is our daily job in life. Find your joy, hold on to it and keep it. Then share it. You can't share something you don't have; in order to bring joy into the world and make a difference you first have to find your own joy. That I think should be our newly christened theme for our return:

"Find Your Joy & Share It!"

What does that mean to you? Share!

Cutting Out the Rot

Most of the biggest hindrances in our journey towards being joyful stem from within. The biggest thing holding us back in life is our own stubbornness. We have to open our eyes and be able to tell the difference between the healthy and the rotten, the good and the bad. That bad will always be there, but by focusing on the healthy growth and doing something to cut out the source of the festering rot you can not only heal yourself but protect against future attacks as well. It is important that whenever anything happens to us we take the time to process it and really get something out of it, otherwise what's the point. After all, aren't we nothing but the sum of all of our experiences and potential? I believe we are. You must accept everything, not get over it or even forgive necessarily, but you must accept it because it has already happened and there is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is react, and that reaction is up to you. By accepting something you take away the power it has over you and by then moving forward and adapting you take power over it and take control of your life back into your own hands. What this is boiling down to is that there are sometimes bad things in our life, rot in the tree, that must be removed in order for the healthy tree to continue not just growing but thriving. Sometimes it can be hard and most of the time painful, but it is necessary and essential to surviving and living not just a productive but a joyous life. Sometimes we can't even see for ourselves the toxic infestations in our life, that's why we have people we love surrounding us. So that they can be there for us even when our ugly wounds and scars are standing right in front of their faces for all to see. Sometimes we feel sorry for whatever is causing the rot and we make excuses for it and try to protect it out of some sense of duty. In the process we start to poison and kill ourselves. Festering rot may plateau and lie dormant for a time, but it always comes back to take more and grow even larger. It is unforgiving and all consuming no matter what promises it makes or how it temporarily makes you feel. We must be alert for these poisons, these parasites. When something is causing us fear, pain, anxiety or anguish we must look at where it is coming from and seek to either adapt or cut out the disease before it gets any larger. This is easier said than done, but it is something that we all must do. Walking the dog the other day with my partner we walked past a tree that had, over the past few months started developing odd growths and bumps. Now there was a spot where sap had been spilling from the tree and the wood underneath was black with rot. It was odd seeing it all happen over the course of a few weeks every time we took the dog for a walk. You never really think of trees as having diseases or parasites. Of course, what is a termite except that very thing?
It got me to thinking, trees live much longer than we do and can be far more resilient. But if they can be taken down by an internal rotting darkness then what does that say of us? Are we doomed before we even start? No, because we are humans and we are much more flexible and adaptable than a tree. That is our strength. We have the opportunity to recognize these diseases and do something about them. I was cleaning and sorting through things today and I came across some old letters and cards given to me by co-workers at my last job. I left my last job because I didn't feel ethically right staying there and I wanted to make a real difference somewhere else. I remember what I learned from there but thinking back about heart-twisting memories isn't necessary. I didn't even hesitate, I threw them away and kept going. No need to keep something that will only remind me of things that I don't want to remember. The memory will always be there, that's enough. Don't be afraid to let go of the painful past. Take what you have learned, heal and move forward with life. Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives who have a negative influence on us; sometimes for a few months and sometimes for a lifetime. It all depends on the influence and how deep their rot runs. My best friend of now ten years, who is currently in the hospital ICU, and I are closer than brothers but there was a time where I cut him completely out of my life. I blocked his number, blocked his Facebook and on and on. I may not have handled it the right way but I could see him destroying himself again no matter what I said and I couldn't handle having to go along with it anymore or having to watch him slide back into dangerous black waters once more. I had enough other stresses in my life, I couldn't handle any more. It was a very hard decision and one that I did not come to lightly. It hurt for a while, but the entire time I knew that I had done the right thing for me. A few months later I reached back out to him and he was there reaching back. We talked for a long time and I explained why  I left and he understood. He knew it was because I loved him and his suffering was tearing me down and poisoning me. We have always been there for each other, and he knew I always would be even if we weren't in touch, and will be there for each other and support each other from now until forever. But I had to do what was necessary, and he understood that.
I'm not saying cut ties with everyone or do something drastic, just evaluate your life and your friends and your commitments and the whole structure of your daily activities. Take a look and see what things are really causing the rot to spread. Where is it really coming from? What can you do about it? Do you want to do anything about it? Are you? I love nature and I love going for daily walks even in the neighborhood just to see the trees and flowers and green grass. I've always been fascinated by the bark of a tree. A healthy tree has good strong bark that can sometimes appear to almost be cracked and breaking from the outside. It appears as if the tree is crumbling apart, but it's not. It's the tree growing, pushing, against the outer restraints of it's boundary. Forcing it's way in, growth takes hold and expands more and more, cracking the other shell and constantly making a new one as the inner circles of the tree are replenished and strengthened from the roots deep below. Those cracks in the bark aren't signs of weakness but signs of healthy growth and thriving life. Life doesn't always look perfect from the outside or even to others no matter how close they think they may be. Life is messy and it never turns out the way we want. Don't mistake those cracks for breaks. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that because of your experiences you are somehow damaged or broken. You are stronger, you are you. You are who you are. When you look in that mirror, see those aging creases for what they are, the shredding of the old for the dawning of the new, and cut off the source of that poison you see and feel before it consumes you. You are in control, if only you'll realize it. Stop, do something about it. Be Joyful.

Doing The Right Thing

Being joyful is hard when it feels like the world is just beating you back over and over again. We have all been there so many times, and we will all return time and again until we die. That is the way the world works, the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows. There are certain particular events that can seem to obliterate any hope at ever seeing joy again and those that cause so much anxiety we stop eating and sleeping. It's hard not to get caught up in these events and get lost in the despair. For me, one of those events is tomorrow. Without giving too much away, some events have taken place at work over the past few months. I love this new job more than anything and would like to be there for the foreseeable future, but an administrator that works with me has been making me very uncomfortable. At first I thought because it was only words or comments or winks that it was ok because it wasn't really touching. I didn't want to have to out his secret in the process of bringing to light the events that occurred. With him on vacation so much more has come out that he's done and said and he has a history with it. He's gotten away with it before and is used to getting his way. He's manipulative and sneaky. He enjoys pitting people against each other just to entertain himself. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told my administrator and some things from the staff come out to shed even more light on the revelation. In the end one of the director's was emailed about the situation;of course, I believe I have the support of my co-workers and administrators. The staff are the ones who came to me after all with stories of their own. Well, when I didn't hear from anyone until well past five I thought nothing of it. I can deal tomorrow and face it then. 

Then I got a text message. "Can you come meet me tomorrow morning at 10am?" Well, of course I responded yes. I am so nervous, so scared, so afraid. I don't want anyone to find out and think I'm trying to get him into trouble. I don't want to be the cause of gossip and rumors about him. I don't want him to somehow keep his position and then use this against me or to make me uncomfortable from now on. It's so stupidly scary and intimidating. Now that it's been said I feel better, and I didn't realize it was even weighing me down. My chest feels a little less tight and heavy and I feel a little less uncomfortable and anxious about work. It was the right thing to do, but I am still so terrified for tomorrow. What if no one believes me? What if he stays here at this house? When is he going to find out what I said? What is he going to tell others then if he's already trying to turn people against me? Am I going to lose my job? Would they just transfer me and leave him alone to make it all go away? These are all the thoughts barreling through my head at light speed and all at the same time. I can't focus. I have to keep stopping myself and taking a minute or two to just pause and tell myself to relax. I tell myself it was the right thing and that if I didn't do it then he would just do it again to someone else. How could I live with that? Even if something bad happens I can live with myself knowing I did the right and honorable thing. I want to act with integrity. Plus the ball is already in motion, there's nothing I can do to take it back or stop it now. Here goes. 

I still struggle every day and with just about every challenge. There will always be challenges and turbulations. When I start to think about the situation or I start to worry or stress I force myself to think of something in my life I can't live without. Something I am so thankful for. Most of the time it's my loving partner. Today my first "Joyful: The Pursuit of Life" shirts came in and I can't wait to wear it tomorrow. I focus on that for my Friday instead of the stress boiling over in my head. Now I can wear my tee shirt reminder to help keep me thinking joyfully all day long. The point is, it will always be a battle but the more armor and weapons you have the easier it is to win and the better chance you have at surviving. When it gets hard take a deep breath and make your mind focus on ony one thing. One happy thing. That, what you just did, that's being joyful. That's joy.