Seeing The Joy Through The Mud

This week I haven't really written as much; as I have mentioned before there is a lot going on at work - a lot more than normal. My partner is out of town; it's just me and little Miss Stormborn. There's the harassment investigation that it still out at work, it's been over two weeks now. A slow tedious two weeks it has been. I just want it all to be over with so that I can move on and just forget about it. I've learned what I needed to and now I can move on. Part of being joyful is being able to let go of the negative influences in our lives. It has been extremely hard this week and I have spent most of the week pulled down as if through mud, getting even more slippery as time goes by. I felt stuck to the ground and I didn't even want to try to get up again. I just wanted to lie there, too tired to care. No matter how hard I tried or attempting forcing my thoughts on happy things I couldn't shake it. I wasn't eating hardly anything at all. I only got a few hours of sleep each night, and that sleep was riddled with nightmares and dark ominous thoughts. I had bags under my eyes and people around me could tell there was something going on. Of course I always said that I was fine, nothing was happening, but in reality I felt like I had gone back to being eighteen when I was first diagnosed with bi-polar and when all hell broke loose in every single aspect of my life. That was the feeling I hated the most, like I was having to relive the most horrific times of my life and that they could be returning. I don't know how, it has taken all week, but I am much closer to being able to push forward than I have been. Not having someone here to help me, listen to me, keep me on track, tell me what to do, hold my hand, do certain things for me and on and on, it was really hard on me. I started to finally realize just how hard my partner's life really is. He has given up so much for me and sacrificed even more, but he tells me every day that he doesn't care because he loves me. He does so much for me and takes care of me in every way. Without him I would be stuck back where I was before, not able to understand or do anything in life. I would like to think that I could survive without him, I mean I am sure I could learn how to cope somehow if I must, but I know that I wouldn't be able to function. People like me need people like him. We finish each other's thoughts and sentences for a reason, we lean on one another enough to make us actually one person. I do feel guilty most of the time, but I also know that because of all he does and keeps doing I am able to do the things I am able to. I can be stable, I can hold down a job, I can pay the bills, I can make phone calls, I can go shopping, I can get groceries, I can cook, I can even clean up the apartment. All of that because he knows how to help me be me when I don't know and can't see how. With him being gone this week it has really opened my eyes. I have been so down and dragging and missed him so much, but what I seemed to forget was that love is not bound by time or space. The amount that he loves me here is the same that he loves me when he's standing in New York and I in Paris. That love has to be held on to and cherished. All kinds of love, this just happens to be the guiding love and stabling element of my life. I have been carrying my stone heart and wearing the infinity and friendship bracelets all week long, never taking them off and putting it down only to shower. It helped me a lot today actually. The point is I let go of the one thing that keeps me strong. He can't help me from afar if I am not willing and able to receive his guidance. It is hard on my own, most of the time I feel incapable, but all it takes is a reach out and he will be there to grab my hand. Treasure those who love you, who save you and who carry you. Without their love we would be nowhere. All we have is each other in this life and on this earth. Make the best of it, get all the joy that you possibly can out of it. Be thankful for the people who come along for the journey and be happy for the ones who tested you and gave you the opportunity to grow. We wouldn't be who we are today without the interactions with others that we have had in our past. Become a positive force and cause your interactions to result in positive growth and change. That part of life is under our control.
This week I was reminded about the harshness of life. I was challenged and tested and did only so-so.   Have I learned anything? Yes, one more step than I knew last time. I may not know my way yet but as I go I will pave it step by step with the confidence, love and joy that are in my heart. Thank you to my loving partner who has given up so much to help me lead a better life. Thank you to all the loving people out there who make sacrifices everyday for those you love, especially those suffering from a mental illness. It can be a terrifyingly hard thing to cope with, but with love and support anything can be overcome. When times get down, which they will, focus on the good, keep on pushing and look to those around you that love you and who will lift you up instead of tear you down. What keeps you going and how? Tell them how much you appreciate them. Like me, with out infinity bracelets and me just loving the idea and concept of it, the infinity sign has become a little representation of our love. When I see it in nature I stop, laugh and smile because I am reminded of the universality of the symbol of never-endedness. I started telling him that I loved him infinity, but that didn't roll off the tongue quite right. What did I do? "I love you to infinity & beyond!" Be silly, be goofy, have fun and focus on the joyful part of life. Be strong.

Doing The Right Thing

Being joyful is hard when it feels like the world is just beating you back over and over again. We have all been there so many times, and we will all return time and again until we die. That is the way the world works, the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows. There are certain particular events that can seem to obliterate any hope at ever seeing joy again and those that cause so much anxiety we stop eating and sleeping. It's hard not to get caught up in these events and get lost in the despair. For me, one of those events is tomorrow. Without giving too much away, some events have taken place at work over the past few months. I love this new job more than anything and would like to be there for the foreseeable future, but an administrator that works with me has been making me very uncomfortable. At first I thought because it was only words or comments or winks that it was ok because it wasn't really touching. I didn't want to have to out his secret in the process of bringing to light the events that occurred. With him on vacation so much more has come out that he's done and said and he has a history with it. He's gotten away with it before and is used to getting his way. He's manipulative and sneaky. He enjoys pitting people against each other just to entertain himself. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told my administrator and some things from the staff come out to shed even more light on the revelation. In the end one of the director's was emailed about the situation;of course, I believe I have the support of my co-workers and administrators. The staff are the ones who came to me after all with stories of their own. Well, when I didn't hear from anyone until well past five I thought nothing of it. I can deal tomorrow and face it then. 

Then I got a text message. "Can you come meet me tomorrow morning at 10am?" Well, of course I responded yes. I am so nervous, so scared, so afraid. I don't want anyone to find out and think I'm trying to get him into trouble. I don't want to be the cause of gossip and rumors about him. I don't want him to somehow keep his position and then use this against me or to make me uncomfortable from now on. It's so stupidly scary and intimidating. Now that it's been said I feel better, and I didn't realize it was even weighing me down. My chest feels a little less tight and heavy and I feel a little less uncomfortable and anxious about work. It was the right thing to do, but I am still so terrified for tomorrow. What if no one believes me? What if he stays here at this house? When is he going to find out what I said? What is he going to tell others then if he's already trying to turn people against me? Am I going to lose my job? Would they just transfer me and leave him alone to make it all go away? These are all the thoughts barreling through my head at light speed and all at the same time. I can't focus. I have to keep stopping myself and taking a minute or two to just pause and tell myself to relax. I tell myself it was the right thing and that if I didn't do it then he would just do it again to someone else. How could I live with that? Even if something bad happens I can live with myself knowing I did the right and honorable thing. I want to act with integrity. Plus the ball is already in motion, there's nothing I can do to take it back or stop it now. Here goes. 

I still struggle every day and with just about every challenge. There will always be challenges and turbulations. When I start to think about the situation or I start to worry or stress I force myself to think of something in my life I can't live without. Something I am so thankful for. Most of the time it's my loving partner. Today my first "Joyful: The Pursuit of Life" shirts came in and I can't wait to wear it tomorrow. I focus on that for my Friday instead of the stress boiling over in my head. Now I can wear my tee shirt reminder to help keep me thinking joyfully all day long. The point is, it will always be a battle but the more armor and weapons you have the easier it is to win and the better chance you have at surviving. When it gets hard take a deep breath and make your mind focus on ony one thing. One happy thing. That, what you just did, that's being joyful. That's joy.