The Most Precious Thing I Own Is My Wedding Ring

So, let's start with a reality check. I never had a boyfriend or significant other in middle or high school. My first relationship, an extremely toxic one that damaged me for a long time, happened when I was 17 with a man who was 24. That was a really bad time in my life. Before that the most exposure I had to romance and love was in the books I read and the movies I watched. I thought life was a Disney movie and those in love acted just as if they were in Romeo & Juliet. I learned a painful lesson in a hard way. I isolated myself from my family and friends and became reliant on the person tearing me down. All of this to say that my view of love was shattered. The only thing I ever dreamed of growing up was getting married, having that man who looks into my eyes and tells me he only wants me. Someone who would want to take care of me, who would want to sweep me off my feet and give me the world. I thought, and still do most of the time, of myself as nothing and all I wanted was that feeling of being loved and having someone else believe I was worth something. Something more than I could see. After that first relationship I never thought I would recover, a lot of very bad and dark things happened and it took me years to come to terms with it. But eventually I did; I still stayed out of relationships though. My next one wasn't until just before I graduated college in Tennessee and lasted only for a few months. After graduation and after I moved to LA I had maybe a handful of short-lived relationships that never went beyond the surface. 

My faith in love began to disappear. In the bright shining lights of Hollywood it was hard to see love anywhere. But, just like that, out of the blue, he appeared. We met online, today something that isn't so unconventional anymore, and hit it off right away. I know from the first night I met him he was the one. I was dating someone at the time, someone I had caught cheating on me more than once, and as I walked my newfound love out that first night I remember turning around the hallway corner and thinking about what I was going to do and say to my boyfriend to make sure I got to see this man again. Maybe it sounds bad, but to go from being treated like crap to being put first is an amazing difference. I never had anyone treat me the way he did. He forced us to move slow and stay friends for a few months before we made a move. And I remember that first move - a night out with our friends, feelings I could no longer hold back, liquor, loud music, a speaker and a kiss. A first kiss. One I will never forget. That started it all. 

It was the first time in my life that I felt truly special, really and truly wanted by someone. For someone like me who spent most of my life believing I wasn't good enough to be loved this was something unfathomable. Something so new it was overwhelming. I was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was 17 and it has been a long and rough journey up and down and all around. It taught me to hate myself for who I was and hate the things I did that I couldn't control. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't, separate me from my disease. I see myself as bi-polar and not me. My husband was the first person to see through that and see me for who I really am. I didn't see myself as worthy of anyone's love and I excepted to spend my life alone, always searching for someone who wasn't there. 

But I did find that person, or rather he found me. Through all the chaos and the mess, when I was least expecting it, he swept me off my feet and carried me away. I still can't believe it's true. It's so fantastical to me. The downside now is living with the bi-polar while I am with the love of my life. The ups and downs don't stop, they never go away. I can be so mean and uncaring without even realizing it. I can be terrible. I hate it, and it makes me hate myself even more. I cant fathom or understand why my husband has faith in me or even still loves me. No matter how I treat him he takes care of me and loves me and goes out of his way to protect me. I would do anything for him, and I do every chance I get. 

Our wedding rings are Tungsten Steel and Meteorite; our love is to infinity and beyond, as is inscribed on the inner side of the band. My wedding band is the most important and invaluable thing I own. It means the world to me, and more. I never thought I would get one, that someone would love me enough to give me one. When I put it on or see it on my finger it reminds me not only of the love that my husband and I share but also that I am worthy of being loved and someone out there thinks so. Yes I know I should believe that myself, and I do to a point, but my disease blinds me to it. This reminder keeps me going when I want to give up. It gives me strength and reminds me of what I have. To everyone out there, single and married, love is out there for you - don't forget. I went through hell and back before it found me, and it was only after I stopped looking. Never give up. Never. This morning my husband left for work before I got up, and after I got up to get ready and went into the kitchen I saw the surprise he had left me. Sitting there on the counter were two notes with a sandwich and chips for my lunch and my coffee ready to be made. I am loved so much and it means the world to me; the best gift in life is realizing someone loves you. Take a moment and show the people you love just how much they mean to you. It will mean the world to them.