Being Joyful

https://joyfulpursuitoflife.wordpress.com/2016/11/28/being-joyful/

The Most Precious Thing I Own Is My Wedding Ring

So, let's start with a reality check. I never had a boyfriend or significant other in middle or high school. My first relationship, an extremely toxic one that damaged me for a long time, happened when I was 17 with a man who was 24. That was a really bad time in my life. Before that the most exposure I had to romance and love was in the books I read and the movies I watched. I thought life was a Disney movie and those in love acted just as if they were in Romeo & Juliet. I learned a painful lesson in a hard way. I isolated myself from my family and friends and became reliant on the person tearing me down. All of this to say that my view of love was shattered. The only thing I ever dreamed of growing up was getting married, having that man who looks into my eyes and tells me he only wants me. Someone who would want to take care of me, who would want to sweep me off my feet and give me the world. I thought, and still do most of the time, of myself as nothing and all I wanted was that feeling of being loved and having someone else believe I was worth something. Something more than I could see. After that first relationship I never thought I would recover, a lot of very bad and dark things happened and it took me years to come to terms with it. But eventually I did; I still stayed out of relationships though. My next one wasn't until just before I graduated college in Tennessee and lasted only for a few months. After graduation and after I moved to LA I had maybe a handful of short-lived relationships that never went beyond the surface. 

My faith in love began to disappear. In the bright shining lights of Hollywood it was hard to see love anywhere. But, just like that, out of the blue, he appeared. We met online, today something that isn't so unconventional anymore, and hit it off right away. I know from the first night I met him he was the one. I was dating someone at the time, someone I had caught cheating on me more than once, and as I walked my newfound love out that first night I remember turning around the hallway corner and thinking about what I was going to do and say to my boyfriend to make sure I got to see this man again. Maybe it sounds bad, but to go from being treated like crap to being put first is an amazing difference. I never had anyone treat me the way he did. He forced us to move slow and stay friends for a few months before we made a move. And I remember that first move - a night out with our friends, feelings I could no longer hold back, liquor, loud music, a speaker and a kiss. A first kiss. One I will never forget. That started it all. 

It was the first time in my life that I felt truly special, really and truly wanted by someone. For someone like me who spent most of my life believing I wasn't good enough to be loved this was something unfathomable. Something so new it was overwhelming. I was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was 17 and it has been a long and rough journey up and down and all around. It taught me to hate myself for who I was and hate the things I did that I couldn't control. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't, separate me from my disease. I see myself as bi-polar and not me. My husband was the first person to see through that and see me for who I really am. I didn't see myself as worthy of anyone's love and I excepted to spend my life alone, always searching for someone who wasn't there. 

But I did find that person, or rather he found me. Through all the chaos and the mess, when I was least expecting it, he swept me off my feet and carried me away. I still can't believe it's true. It's so fantastical to me. The downside now is living with the bi-polar while I am with the love of my life. The ups and downs don't stop, they never go away. I can be so mean and uncaring without even realizing it. I can be terrible. I hate it, and it makes me hate myself even more. I cant fathom or understand why my husband has faith in me or even still loves me. No matter how I treat him he takes care of me and loves me and goes out of his way to protect me. I would do anything for him, and I do every chance I get. 

Our wedding rings are Tungsten Steel and Meteorite; our love is to infinity and beyond, as is inscribed on the inner side of the band. My wedding band is the most important and invaluable thing I own. It means the world to me, and more. I never thought I would get one, that someone would love me enough to give me one. When I put it on or see it on my finger it reminds me not only of the love that my husband and I share but also that I am worthy of being loved and someone out there thinks so. Yes I know I should believe that myself, and I do to a point, but my disease blinds me to it. This reminder keeps me going when I want to give up. It gives me strength and reminds me of what I have. To everyone out there, single and married, love is out there for you - don't forget. I went through hell and back before it found me, and it was only after I stopped looking. Never give up. Never. This morning my husband left for work before I got up, and after I got up to get ready and went into the kitchen I saw the surprise he had left me. Sitting there on the counter were two notes with a sandwich and chips for my lunch and my coffee ready to be made. I am loved so much and it means the world to me; the best gift in life is realizing someone loves you. Take a moment and show the people you love just how much they mean to you. It will mean the world to them. 

Tami Tuesdays #8 - Love Yourself

Love and respect yourself! Everyone is unique and special. No one has the right to bring you down in any manner, shape or form. Know your strengths and weaknesses and just love yourself. No one needs negativity in their life, and while you are at it, throw a little love and positive energy someone else's way. Pay it forward.Peace and Love!

Tami is exactly right, no one else can love or respect you until you can love and respect yourself. It's not always an easy thing to do, and sometimes it takes a lifetime to learn and master. In the meantime though we have to constantly be working on ourselves and working toward that love and respect. If you can't love yourself, it is impossible not only for others to love you but also to love others. We learn how to love through our relationship with ourselves and the growth that we go through everyday. Life can be mean and tough and hard, we have to shield ourselves from all of that using all of our strength and the tools we have available such as our husbands or wives, friends, family, co-workers and on and on. Know who you are and learn to love that person. If there is something you don't like about yourself start working on changing it. Change doesn't happen overnight, the respect for yourself comes in when you allow yourself the time and patience to keep trying until you do get it right. Never give up, you're worth it. And so is the love you have to share. 

Standing Alone On The Street Corner

Another day, another chance to shine. Or not to shine. I guess it all just depends. I realize more and more every day just how short, precious and fleeting life is. As I approach my thirtieth birthday I spend more and more time thinking not about the things I have accomplished, but about where I am in this life to launch myself from and where I am going to go. Do I have anywhere to go? Am I trapped by debt and student loans? What about bills and the price of living? All so much. I went to school for 4 years to get a degree I will be paying for for the rest of my life. More than anything I want to go back to school and get my Master's in Public Health in Epidemiology. Then I wouldn't have to worry about money, well after student loans, and I could travel the world and find a job anywhere. If I could do anything that's what I would do, but I'm stuck. I can't afford to work and go to school or take out more student loans on top of all my other bills. I have to take the GRE as well before I can even apply. It's been years since I was exposed to this math back in high school. It's tedious and time consuming and I get frustrated and never even start studying. 

I feel stuck, isolated and alone. I don't really have any friends, the ones I had I have pushed away - mostly for good reason. I cant take any more unnecessary drama or lying in my life. Some people just need to go no matter who they are. Of course in the end I end up not having anyone to turn to except myself. I have my parents and my brother of course, but there is only so much you can talk to family about. My husband has been my best friend from the moment we met, but even with him for some reason things don't work how they are supposed to. I cant open up and I feel isolated. I want to talk but I can't because either my head cant stop spinning or I know the response I'm going to get - the same as always, sympathy without understanding. I mean how can I expect more from someone who will never understand what it feels like to live with my brain and the chaos that it brings with every waking moment? It's hard to explain to him and even harder for him to underatand. When I feel that fire burning inside, when that anger begins to blind me and take over or when the mania starts to set in I can feel it coming but I don't know how to stop it. I've been trying for so long. Worse than that, it's like I can see a car crash happening with no control over the outcome. My husband used to be able to tell when I was acting like this and he would act preemptively to keep me grounded. He was my lighting rod. Lately though things have changed, mostly because of me. 

My husband now will mostly take a step back and let me deal with what I have to deal with. He will see it coming in my eyes and hear it in my tone and either let me have space to implode or give me something to chill me out and hopefully prevent a meltdown. It's not like how he used to come hold me until I stopped shaking, how he would lie in bed with me and hold me while he whispered in my ear until I fell asleep or relaxed completely. It was an amazing thing to have, and it always made me feel like I had someone who understood me and would be there to help me when I needed it most. Because of all I have done though things have begun to change. It's different now. It is as if I have pushed him away through all my manic episodes and attacks of frustration and anger that his only goal now is to make it out the other side alive. I can't really blame him though, I know I can be crazy and irrational, I hate that about myself. I really do. I think in the process of being me and trying to make it through and survive to the next battle I have left myself alone to face the future. 

I'm not sure what I feel more guilty about, being a person I hate or making people hate me. Well maybe not hate me, but hate the person I can be. I know I have been mean and cruel unintentionally and it kills me. Especially knowing I do it all the time to the person I love. I don't deserve for him to still be with me, but he is. These feelings have pushed us farther apart as well, we don't talk or share like we used to. We don't tell each other what the other is thinking. It's like walking on eggshells all the time, trying to always do the right thing. Maybe it's all me and how I am perceiving everything? How am I supposed to know, and what am I supposed to do? 

Being bi-polar my life is constantly up and down and always has been; even in the best of times I feel the tug of the depression and the mania, sometimes together. Recently they have begun changing all my medications again, this time for my liver and kidney function, but it's like starting all over again learning how to control who I am and how I feel. A lot of people don't understand bi-polar, it's pretty simple - being bi-polar means feeling every emotion on the spectrum to every degree at some point, combined and singularly, so that control feels like an illusion and life feels like a cage with steel bars. The worst part is knowing that you are the cause of all of this, and then the blame and guilt set in. I see myself as the bad guy, as the one causing all of this. Which leads to depression and closing myself of from those I really need. I stop talking because I feel like either no one cares or they are tired of listening. I don't like feeling like a bother, which is just about always. I see myself as a bad person even though I do good things and can help people, I will always feel that the harm I have caused outweighs the good. I feel like I am standing alone on a street corner waiting; waiting for direction, waiting for hope, waiting for inspiration ...waiting for a sign that I am worth it after all. I've left myself standing here alone, no one around to help hold my hand or guide me. Is this the way it's supposed to be? I'm not sure, I've never gotten this right before. Standing here which way do I go? How do I know the right way? Will I ever know? All I can do right now is try to ground myself as much as I can and mindfully press forward toward the next goal I can see, taking it one small step forward at a time. 

The Joy of Doing Things For Others - Especially When It's An Unexpected Surprise

One of my favorite things in life is doing things for other people; because I am shy it is mostly for my family, friends and coworkers, but I love it none the less. You should see me at Christmas time. It's crazy, and so is my credit card statement. It doesn't really bother me though. I really love going out of my way picking things out for my mom, my dad, my brother, his wife and my nephew Daniel. Oh, and Grandma too and of course my husband. I love finding those random unique things out that you would never find anywhere else. I love just thinking about how big it will make them smile. Gift giving, from the heart, is one of the easiest and most sure-fired ways of spreading Joy. It doesn't have to be something big in any way, it just has to have some meaning behind it. Maybe it's getting your best friend a copy of the movie you guys used to watch everyday in college, or maybe it's bringing in coffee for everyone at work in the morning. It could just be giving someone an extra piece of chocolate or candy, anything. True gift giving means taking something of yourself and giving it to another with the sole intention of bringing them Joy.
Gift giving can be so easy today, at work when I do my in-services three or four times a year I always have a Jeopardy or Review game with candy. All I do is go to the 99-cents store and spend less than $5 on bags of candy. Of course everyone loves it when I teach the in-service, because they love the candy. What they don't also see is how much they learn in the process without realizing it. Even then, everyone always smiles when they get a question right, even with a helpful nudge, and get some candy out of it. It was a way for me to teach what I had to professionally while also spreading Joy as well. Something small and negligent, but being mindful and in the moment, something that brought just a little bit of Joy to people's day where they normally wouldn't get any.
Lots of times people ask us for favors or assistance with things, and in that way do something for them by giving the gift of time and whatever else it is that you have that they obviously don't. It feels good to take time to stop and ask someone if they need help with something. What about the old woman loading groceries in her car or the friend asking for a ride to work. There are the times where we can passively say yes and still cause some Joy, but the times that really mean something are those active times when we stand up and take action without provocation to try and make someone else a little more Joyful. The look on someone's face when you truly surprise them out of nowhere is the best. I remember the giant box with my candy and t shirt and everything else from the girls at work for Valentine's Day, I was grinning from ear to ear and bright red, Something like that, that really doesn't take much effort, can make a real impression on someone and their day. I will never forget the two off-duty Rescue Squad workers who stopped and helped me change my flat tire when they were on their way home after a shift. They didn't know my brother and my dad were on the Rescue Squad too. I thought that was really awesome. And I'll never forget.
I really try to go out of my way now and do things for others, even the smallest of things. I try to always open doors for people or get up and unlock the door when people come to the group home. Everyday, before I go home I ask my administrative staff there with me and the lead staff in the houses if they need anything before I leave. I stop and say hi and talk for a few minutes when I come in to the house everyday. The gift of time and meaningful attention can be even more powerful than a tangible gift. It has been hard for me lately, especially with my anger issues that I am still working on, but I still try constantly, never stopping. I try to surprise my husband on an almost daily basis with tiny things and big things, silly things and funny things - things to make us both laugh and smile together. Today, I was showing  him the trailer for the new Jungle Book movie and he could see how excited I was. Being such a huge fan of the original cartoon classic I assumed he would be just  as enthusiastic. When the trailer finished and I finally moved I turned to him and asked if we could go this weekend to see it. He said yes, of course; he will always do things like that if he thinks it's something I want because he truly wants to make me happy. He has a heart of gold, and I don't deserve him at all. Anyway, when he answered he sounded less than enthusiastic, so a little bit later I asked if he really wanted to go see the Jungle Book. He looked at me and said not really, he wanted to see the comedy that had come out the weekend before. To be fair, it was a funny movie we both wanted to see as well. A few more hours pass and at home I get on my iPhone and Fandango and ask if he would see the Jungle Book with me tonight at our favorite local theatre where we can reserve seats ahead of time. He said sure without glancing up from his phone, with no real positive or negative inflection in his tone. What I didn't tell him was I wasn't buying tickets for the Jungle Book. I got tickets for that comedy he wanted to see. All he knows is the movie time, he has no idea and I have the mobile tickets on my iPhone. So he won't find out until we either get to the ticket line or actually walk into the individual theatre. I am so excited, I know it's dumb, but I am so terrible at surprises. Because I love giving things and doing things so much I also have a hard time waiting. I just get so excited for whoever it is, everyone knows I'm terrible that way. So if I can pull this off and fool him until we get there I am going to first be amazingly happy to have made him happy and surprised him, but secondly also a little proud of myself for being able to wait and pull it off. I just wanted to see him truly smile, not that normal "things-are-ok" smile, but that silly mischievous smile that comes only when truly letting go of the stress and terrible things of the world around you. Try to do something for someone around you, maybe the next time someone asks. Don't be so closed to taking a moment out of your schedule and routine to help someone else. Wouldn't it be nice if someone stopped to help you when you really needed it? Of course. Doing things for others is a simple way to bring Joy not only into your own life but into the world and the lives of those around you. Like I said, it doesn't haven't to be big or expensive, just meaningful and heartfelt. Stay Joyful & surprise someone, especially when their not expecting it.

Joyful Jenny #2 - My Best Friend Is My Joy!

Everyone has their own meaning to joy. To me, joy comes through music. Whether it's playing it or just listening to it, I can honestly say that it brings a smile to my face. It has helped through the good and bad. Music is always there for me in some kind of special way. But there are other ways that joy can be found. It can be the littlest thing. It could be a locket that you've kept for a long period of time, it could be playing your favorite sport, or just being with someone you love. I personally think that being with someone that makes you smile is a big reason to feel joy. I have always struggled with finding that certain person that cares and loves me just as much as I love and care for them, it always seems to turn on me. But I know I now have my best friend who I can tell everything to. She has shown me that true friends really do exist. Don't get me wrong, I have so many good friends, but there has never been one that has been with me through the things that my best friend has. I know that I can call her for whatever at whatever time. She is actually the one who helped me realize that bottling up all my thoughts and emotions isn't healthy. I'm so thankful and lucky to have met her.

Point being, we all have that special someone that is always going to be there through the laughs and the tears. You may not have found that person yet, but trust me, that person will eventually come around. It took me a while to find someone myself. You want to find someone who will be with you late at night when you're having a hard time and someone who will be there in the afternoon when you're all smiles. I think having that person is a big impact on someone. It brings me joy to know that someone is always going to be there for me. I also kind of think of it in terms of music. See, in music there's always a melody. When you have a melody, you can harmonize it with something different. What you want is someone who will make a perfect harmony and help you make that long lasting song called life. There are going to be people that will only be there for a verse in your life song. Maybe someone that'll be there every once in a while like a chorus throughout the song. But what you want is someone who will be there through the soundtrack, the verses, the chorus, the bridge, the back-up vocals, the guitar riffs, the drum solo, and just throughout the whole song. I never thought someone could make me so happy and actually change me in a good way. But I stand corrected. I promise you that when you find the person, you'll feel a little better about yourself. Sure there are going to be some bumps in the road. But that's what having any kind of relationship is about. Someone who will be there through the ups and the downs.

Life can be tough at times, I know, but just find that person that will be with you through those times. There's nothing better than having someone by your side. Joy can come from anything. Remember that. It might be right under your nose and you never really realize how happy it makes you. But believe me that there's nothing better than being happy, especially with someone. It doesn't have to be your best friend either. It could be a close cousin, your significant other, your grandma, your aunt, your uncle, anyone. Just make sure they are able to bring a smile on your face, joy in your life, and a perfect match to make a harmony so they could be featured in your song of life. 

Tattoos #4 & #5 - Honor & Truth

For tattoo's #4 & #5 I decided to finish out the balance completely and get two more words, one on the top of each wrist to match the ones already on the bottom. So far I had "Love" & "Joy," what would work with those? I remember debating for a while, going back and forth. Trying to find that meaning, those special words that just spoke to me. One word I kept coming back to, "Honor." Something about the word, I just love how it sounds. I love how old the word is, the meaning and history behind it. When I think of "Honor" I think of Knights and Kings and the ability to truly have power to your name. A title conveys so much, more than only a label. To be called honorable is to convey so much more than just who you are but what you stand for. A man, or woman for that matter, of honor stands for truth, courage and what is right above any and all else. 

I wanted something for me, something to remind me of justice and what is right. Something to aim for in this life, a goal worthy of achieveing. What can be more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you, then living a life of honor? Honor is a term that isn't used much anymore; the values of integrity, honor and truth have gone by the wayside in the not so distant past. In a world that moves so quickly it is easier to focus only on yourself and your own needs. What makes you better than this world, being able to take a step above it, is putting others before yourself. We only have one life to live and one set of choices we can make. Living with honor means living according to what is right and not just what is easiest or more beneficial. It means to have respect for someone, and it is considered a privilege.

I wanted to be reminded to live a life not just for myself, but for what was right. For what was worth standing up for. If I only have one shot at this I want to make sure that it's worth it and that I truly can make a difference and show others that they can do so as well. It is a privilege to do the right thing, not an obligation. I have one legacy I leave behind and I won't let it be one of fear, cowardice, selfishness, guilt or having to finish at all costs. It's not about the end of the race, but how you run it. 

What do "Honor" & "Truth" have in common? Integrity, that was the link connecting the ideas I had in my head. I needed those reminders to act with integrity, the integrity I knew I had, even when faced with impossibly frustrating situations. I wanted a chivalrous token to remind me of the man I needed to be. Truth was acting with integrity as well, more so speaking with integrity. It is a hard thing to always tell the truth because the meaning and implication of truth are far reaching and never ending. We can not come back from the truth once we have been exposed and yet we can not really live at all if don't live in the truth. There is the truth we tell, there is the truth we believe and there is the truth we live. All three are consequentially one in the same, just unique to each of us. Finding this truth about ourselves is something that for most takes a lifetime, but if we are lucky we can find glimpses along the way of life. Holding onto those flashes of ourselves give us a glimpse of the true us and the true self we are striving to find and hold on to. I chose "Truth" to remind me of the inner Jeremy, the true me that would always be there. That's the self I couldn't lose, couldn't really betray or hurt. I put "Truth" on my right wrist opposite "Joy," to remind me that the Joy I seek everyday to keep me going is based on my true self and the only way to share that joy with the world around me is to use my true self. "Honor" went right where is belonged, opposite "Love" on the left wrist. Where else does love belong besides with honor I asked myslef? Honor is the defense of love pure and simple. I knew the things I wanted to be reminded of and I knew their importance. It more than felt right. I remember having them done by a good friend who was leaving town, before he left he did them both at the same time in his apartment where he had made a big clean space and sterilized all his tools. It was an awesome experience I will never forget, and finally having my wrists complete felt freaking great. 5 down - who knows how many more to go! 

Tattoo #3 - Strength

My third tattoo came more from necessity than me just wanting to express myself. I've never been the most confident person in the world and I worry about everyone and everything. Even when I am rock solid I can't see it because I am blinded by my self doubt and fear. I know that I can make it through or get it done, as I have demonstrated time after time, but my mind is what plays tricks on me. It stops me from moving forward, keeping me running in circles. I needed something to remind me of the strength and courage I already knew I had but would never let myself realize. Deciding on the word "Strength" after that was the only logical next step. But where? I had already balanced out my inner wrists; where would it really mean something? Before deciding, I remember thinking about how I wanted this tattoo to remind me that I have a backbone, strength. How I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. In my head I pictured it as me standing, hunched forward and shoulders slouched. My head bowed as I hang limp and lifeless from a single wire attached the the center of my upper back, like how a marionette is controlled by someone else's nimble movements. I imagined the string slowly being pulled up as if by God to bring my shoulders up and force my back straight and my chest out. Then I realized that I was God in that scenario. I was the one who could pull myself back up again. After that I knew where it was going to go, and there wouldn't be any need for balancing it out either. I got "Strength" in Old English font on the center of my upper back - right where that wire was attached. Right where I pulled myself up and reminded myself I already had a backbone. 

This is the one tattoo I don't really get to see very often because it's on my back and there are times I forget it's there. Now though, I have taken to looking at it in the mirror everytime I get out of the shower so as to remind myself of its presence. To always remind myself of the strength I still try to convince myself I don't have. It's funny though because everytime I picture or think about that tattoo I stand up and straighten my back without even realizing it. So it must have worked right? It's always important to have things to remind us that we are strong, because too often it is easy to forget. Don't forget your own strength; do something, even if it's just writing "Strength" on a post-it that you will see every day. Don't let yourself forget that you can make it, you can do it - even when you think you can't, you can. 

Tattoo #2 - Joy

After getting my first tattoo it wasn't long before I was itching for my second, and I needed to balance things out by getting one on the same spot on the other wrist. I thought for a while and I was having trouble coming up with what I wanted. Or more so, what I needed to be reminded of daily when I looked down at my wrist. We all want to be happy in life, we want that meaning and peace that come with understanding and acceptance. Happiness is not constant though, life is full of ups and downs. There will never be a time when things are going completely right. After having gone through some really rough times and trying to stay afloat by forcing myself onward, I knew that I needed something to not just inspire me but to give me the hope I needed as well. I couldn't get the word "Happiness" or "Smile" because I knew that there were going to be many times that I wouldn't feel happy and wouldn't want to smile. Those are the times the tattoo was really for anyway. I needed something realistic, something actually attainable but also a goal I would always be working towards. Then it came to me after hearing someone talk about the word "Joy." They described it as something different from happiness because you can't be happy all the time. You can be joyful all the time though. There will always be those dark negative times in our life, that is inevitable. With Joy though you don't hide or run from the storm, you face it head on because you know how to weather it. You have to find those things in life that bring you joy and you have to hold on the them, especially when things don't look so good. Those things are what will get you through to see another day. It's like having an umbrella with you when you for for a long walk. At first it may be nice and sunny, but when that rain comes out you'll need something to protect you. Your joy, your umbrella of hope, is what will bring you to the other side. Sure it will still be hard, you're shoes and pants will probably get soaked wading through rain puddles, but you will make it. Better yet, you will make it through strong and as yourself. When you have that joy to hold on to the hard times stop being so hard. Those joyful things bring you joy and hope not just in hard times, but all the time. They help give meaning to our short lives. 

So I decided to get "Joy," on my right wrist to go along with the "Love" on my left. Every time I look down and see it there I remember to look at things a little differently. Instead of focusing on the things that are going wrong I focus on the things that bring me Joy and motivate me. It reminds me that if I am looking at and reading that tattoo at any given moment then I have something to be joyful for and grateful about because I am breathing and reading. Things can't be that bad when you look at it like that. This blog stemmed from this tattoo that I got back in college. I started because I wanted to help myself find my joy and focus on holding on to it and using it for my strength. Now it has become a never-ending journey that I share with you. I hope maybe to help others see or find their joy, or even to just help comfort someone in a trying time. I want to help people come together through Joy to celebrate the good things in life so that each of us doesn't have to go at it alone thinking we are the only ones who are struggling. What is your joy? How do you hold on to it? How do you draw strength from it? The first step is realizing what Joy is, the second is going out and finding your own. 

Tattoo #1 -Love

Since I was a little kid I would look up at the older guys with tattoos and be so envious. I wanted to look like that when I grew up, I wanted to feel cool. At the same time I wanted it to mean something too. I want all the tattoos I get to mean something important to me. If I am going to have it for the rest of my life then I might as well really want it there. I remember with my first tattoo I would take a permanent marker and write it out on my wrist and just let it stay there for a day or two to see if I liked it or not, to see how it made me feel. 

I put a lot of thought into what I wanted my first tattoo to be and I finally settled on the word love. Once my mind had set it wasn't going to change, it felt perfectly right. That's how I know it was the right time and right tattoo, it felt natural going.  The whole thing felt natural, not like something I was making myself do or putting myself through. I had decided on the inside of my left wrist for the location and I wanted the word written in cursive. Why the word love? Well, to me it was simple. Above any other word love is the most important to me and I believe the most important in the world. Every action that happens is due to love in some form; whether it is brotherly love, friendly love, the love of a spouse or the love of a family member it is just as important. Even hate is nothing more than love turned dark. 

I also decided that I wanted that to be my driving word from now on. Love. I want to see it there so I can be reminded to act with love and to keep love in my heart, and my thoughts. Maybe it sounds corny, but to me it's important to be reminded of love every day. When we treat others with love we open ourselves up and allow ourselves to receive love as well. Every time I move my left hand or go to pick something up I see that word there and it always reminds me to stop and ask myself - Am I treating the people around me right now with love? Could I do anything different to show a little more love and maybe make an impact on someone's day. By expressing love we give ourselves the chance to affect real change. We make up this crazy world and its up to us to fix it and take care of one another. I still get angry and frustrated so easily, there are still so many times that I need to be reminded to act with a little more love instead of a little less. What do you do to remind yourself? What can you do? I got it tattooed on my wrist so that way I can never forget. 

Rule #4 - Hard Times Will Always Come, We Have To Choose How We Let Them Shape Us

Our problems with joy never stem from having too much of it, it's those times when we are truly lacking it that we realize just how hard life can be. It seems those times come in our life more often than we expect. I'm not talking about the little things that happen all day long, but sometimes even then things can feel amplified to unbelievable proportions. These bad times can drag us down and ruin our days, weeks, months or even years. Bad things are always happening and always will, the key is learning how to turn things around and make them positive or joyful. Not always smiling and happy, but joyful. There's always a joyful side to everything. Things could always have been worse, you can always have less and you could always be dead - but you're not, at least for now. Seize the moment, the day. Each of ours are limited. It's why I got the word "Joy" tattooed on the inside of my right wrist. No matter what I am doing all day long I will always see that word and be reminded that just by looking at and seeing it I have so many things to be joyful about. I can see, I am alive, I'm healthy and on and on. That's what you must find for yourself, a constant reminder that things are ok and will be as long as you don't panic and think positively. Sometimes the only joy that comes from a situation is in knowing that you have learned an important lesson, but even then isn't it worth it? A lesson learned prevents countless future mistakes. 

The only way to lead a joyful life is to look at everything joyfully. When you're walking down the street think about your day and everything that has happened so far. Take a second to breathe and reflect. If you can sort out the day you've had so far you'll be more prepared to face the rest of the day and all the things you have yet to face. Remember the joy in life, in things, in what has happened to you today and what will happen to you tomorrow. It's like footprints in the sand, there are those times when someone carries you through and instead of leaving two sets of footprints there are only one and those times when all that's left after the dust settles are prints and tracks all over in every direction resulting from the tumultulous intertwining of lives we are but a small part of. One singular thing that happens to us doesn't affect just us, it affects how we interact with others. We can let negative things keep us down and brood over them, holding on to fear, pain and vengeance, but because it affects how we then deal with the world around us and in turn the people in it we have to choose who we are going to allow to be affected. Hate is a poison spread over and over like a disease. When we hit those hard times, as we most certainly will, we have to remain strong not just for our own sake but for others. The sprawling blue ocean lies just beyond the dunes, to get there we just have to climb some hills of sand. The thing about sand is that it's tricky, you slide and slip and sink. It's almost impossible to get a grip or grasp on it. We have to rely on each other to get the support we need to stay afloat. No one can do everything alone, we are here to help lift each other up. Don't let your circumstances shape you, shape your circumstances. 

Rule #3 - Love Connects Us All, And It's A Two-Way Street

Love connects all of us. Love is each of us expressing joy outward towards others, we can't have love without joy and vice-versa. Love is what we all have in common, what connects us all to each other. Think about it like a spider web where each of us stands at a junction of strands in the web. The joy we have burning inside us spreads to others around us as we show them love, with more and more of us all interconnecting it soon becomes a spider-web formation. A spider web we are all caught up in. 

Our goal each day in our lives should be to focus on and live for our own personal joy and then share the joy we find with the people we love and the world around us in order to make it a better place. When each individual lives that way a network can be formed so that we can support each other and help each other through the ups and downs of life. Why else are we here together on this earth other than to help each other get through the things we must suffer through and celebrate the joys that we find in life? That bond between each of us that forms, that outward expression of joy, runs both ways. While it is our individual job to reach out to others, and something we should never give up no matter the response we get, it is also our job to reach back out to those around us who are opening up in turn. How much stronger is a bond between two people when it extends from both sides? Phenomenally so. I saw the new blooms on a tree today, beautiful shoots that were emerging into the warm beautiful sunlight among the deadened branches. I stopped for a moment and just looked, watching the beaches sway slowly in the calm breeze. Each of those flowers, each bud, was something beautiful emerging from the dead branches whose reach extends deep into the ground. All those beautiful flowers may come up on different branches but they are all connected by the lifeblood of the tree itself. The branches may look dead, but they connect those flowers and allow nutrients to flow to and feed them. As you go through life it's important to remember to keep that flame of joy shining bright, and to return an outstretched hand to the neighbors who reach out to you. Love is a two way street, while we can and must express it as human beings and individuals in order for it to gain power and strength it needs additional sources of hope to add kindling to the fire. Seek out that fire in others and help kindle it, ignite the spark the generates a revolution. A revolution of joy. In love. Be strong, have hope, be joyful. 

Fighting Pre-Conceived Notions Is A Full Time Job When They Are Constantly Being Rebuilt By Society

With love being the expression of joy and hate being it's absence, pre-conceived ideas and opinions are the vines that tie us down. Those vines being put there by the world around us, the society that we live immersed in. How ironic that the things that cause the biggest barriers of hate are of our own making. The society we have evolved into is one that profits off the misery and downfall of others. Look at marketing in the westernized world today, it's goal is to make you feel like you won't be enough (in whatever way) unless you have their product. It ranges from the "best" shampoo to the "purest" spring-fed water bottles to designer or name-brand clothing to skin cream and plastic surgery - the list goes on and on, expanding more with each passing day. We have created the "perfect" person that we all strive to be, the problem of course being that the perfection is ever-changing. As a byproduct of creating an ideal person we bring stereotypes and discrimination into the world. Anyone who does not fit into our little mold is thrown aside as an outcast and shunned. We group people together and put the labels on them that we are told. This religion is bad, this sexual orientation is bad, on and on. Because these choking vines come from the world we have built for ourselves they will keep coming as long as we give them a world in which to thrive. 

It is our job in life to see when those vines are obscuring our view and tying us down. Tearing them off is easy, the hard part is keeping them off because the next thing you know they have already grown back up around your ankles. The trick is to teach yourself how to identify when those thorny arms have their hold, because only then can you do something about it. Make yourself aware of how you are thinking and why you feel the way you do about things. These ideas of hate come at us from all around, television, movies, books, the news, politicians, media, etc. - constantly ensnaring and trapping us. A never-ending battle, a job for the ages. Don't give up, you're not alone; you're not the only one. Just keep pushing. Hold on to your joy and don't let go. We can't change how the world works per se, just how we work within it. 

If Love Is The Expression Of Joy, Then Hate Can Bring Nothing But An Absence of Joy

Today was one of the weirdest days at work that I have probably ever had. I have heard hate speech before and I, just like everyone else, have been insulted before. Today was the first time though that I was straight up told by someone that not only are gay people sinners and equal to that of murderers and theives but that all gay people were living in sin and therefore going to hell. Throw in some bible verses she doesn't even understand herself (I grew up Southern Baptist and attended a Southern Baptist University for a semester in Tennessee - I know my bible). I was dumbfounded to say the very least. I mean I have thought mean things about people before but I've never gone to that level. On top of that this all happened at work, in front of other staff and one of the clients at the home. I was so frustrated and upset my hands were trembling. I remember standing up and going to collect my things after a few minutes and heading over to the other house I am the RN for as well. I just had to get out of there. When she had kept going I stood up from the table, looked at her and firmly told her that this conversation was over. But she kept going. And going. Eventually I told her that the topic was now dropped and she needed to forget about it (I'm an administrator don't worry). For hours afterward and then again in the afternoon when I discussed it with our head administrator I was so upset and angry that I couldn't help but tremble and shake. It threw my mind off and ruined my whole day in a way. It bothered me even more because there were other staff who I knew were gay as well there, but luckily they were away in another room. The shock was overwhelming, I knew people thought things like that, but who would ever say those things out loud? The hate unleashed upon all who witnessed it took away any joy I was holding onto. 

I should have been strong enough to not let it phase me, or at least held on to some part of my joy in order to not let it ruin my day. What can I say though? I could not believe it had happened and more than that I was hurt. I tried not to let that part show but I was very hurt. More than that I felt uncomfortable being around her. Not so much because I was mad at her but because I didn't even know what to say to her. How am I supposed to talk to her? It's one thing to know that someone has beliefs that probably go against you or what you believe in, but to be told straight up to your face that someone thinks you are a bad person and going to hell is a terrible feeling. I know now how she really feels about me deep down. That does hurt a little.  

Of course I thought about or held it in the back of my mind the rest of the day and on the drive home. I decided though to just go home, take a nap, rest and collect my thoughts after that. When I woke up I felt a little bit better but still off somehow. I thought about the day for a little bit and finally came to one conclusion, there was only one thing to do. I had to just move on and forget what she said, after all it is just her opinion, and at work just keep things professional and only talk when needed and necessary and only about the immediate topic at hand. I couldn't undo what happened but I could put it behind me and use it as a reminder of how not to treat others. As I have said love is our outward expression of joy, we must first start with our own happiness and then we can send that out into the world to make a difference. When we send hate out into the world, instead of spreading joy, we suck up joy from those around us. Hate is poisonous, which is why it can never be tolerated in any way. It's like an orange tree, when the tree is taken care of the right way it gives healthy great-tasting fruit and when it is neglected or treated wrong the tree will either bear no fruit or the fruit it bears will be rotten. What kind of tree do you want to be? Cut out any poisonous influences in your life, they will only sabatogue your joy. Prune out the bad limbs and branches. Don't allow others to drip their poisonous rot onto your leaves. Hate should never be tolerated, even hate directed at someone else is still poison to all who hear - including you. 

Happy Valentine's Day - What Is Love? Why Are We Celebrating?

Happy Valentine's Day!! Today is one of my most favorite days of the whole year because it is one day designated solely to the celebration of love. Where so many people go wrong is either by having a narrow minded view of love or by buying into the commercial hype and excitement and forgetting about the real meaning of the day. When people talk about Hallmark Holidays or how they don't like holidays because they are just made up by companies to make more money I just feel sorry for them. They are already missing the whole point of not just that day but every holiday. The days of our lives are what we make them and the meaning our lives have come from the meaning that we give them. These holidays, such as today, are opportunities for us to take a moment and celebrate something in our lives. We only live once and we only get one shot at each day. Sure, you don't have to do anything today. You can sit at home and ignore your phone and watch movies to distract youself all day or find some other form of self-isolation to pass the time. Of course all that's going to do it isolate you further and make you feel miserable. That's you making yourself miserable, no one and nothing else. 

Or on the flip side you can decide to do something, even if you do stay in. Send a message to your brother or sister on Facebook. Call up your mom or dad. Text a picture to your best friend of both of you from when you first met and tell them how glad you are to have them. Thank the coworker who covers for you when you are late. Buy a coffee for the neighbor girl who leaves for work at the same time, or pay for the persons drink behind you in line and don't say anything. Love takes many shapes and forms, that's why it is universal and what makes it so beautiful. Today isn't about buying cards or candy or going out to dinner or getting laid, it's about celebrating the thing that connects us all - love. Love is joy shown outward. When you engage in the world and become a part of it, and when you learn to find your own personal joy, you can learn to share it by loving others unselfishly and wholeheartedly. We are all leaves on the tree of life, it's time we start acknowledging the fact that we are all connected. Connected in all kinds of different ways.There are many forms of love, today we celebrate them all. Happy Valentine's! 😘❤️🌎

Twinkling Sparkle

All of my life I have dreamed of one thing; I have kept pushing myself through all the hurt and pain with only one goal in sight, all the while realizing that I may never even reach the absolution I so desired. From the time I was but a young boy I yearned only for the one comfort I knew would make make me feel safe and protected. The thing that would make everything else right, what would finally make me feel whole and complete. I knew from the time I was probably six that I liked boys, the problem was that I never realized that wasn't how I was supposed to feel until years later. I honestly thought that it was normal, I was just like everyone else. It wasn't until my peers reached the age where they started comparing themselves to the standards set around them did I realize that I was different. I remember the feelings of hurt and betrayal when I came to realize that I wasn't like the other boys my age; why didn't everyone else feel this way? It took years and years for me to accept who I was, yet the whole time I never doubted that my feelings were genuine, heart-felt or out of my control. For years after that, after being diagnosed with an incurable disease at seventeen and then soon after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I struggled to love myself for who I was and longed only for someone who would love me for me and show me that I was worth being loved. I know those feelings have to come from within, but with my fragile body and broken mind I needed someone special to open me up and show me that not only was I worth it but that I was worth it to him as well. Being bipolar is a difficult struggle to fight, seeing as it is one that will never end, and I longed for those comforting arms that would hold and in turn set me free from from the inside out. 

I remember crying myself to sleep at night thinking that no one would ever love me, that I would never be accepted and that I would never have a normal life. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, all came down to one thing - I wanted my prince to rescue me, shelter me and show me the way. When you are bipolar you can't see the forest through the trees, I needed a map and compass to guide me and keep me on the right and true path. I've only had a handful of relationships in my life, most lasting less than six months, and all of them riddled with problems stemming from my disorder and lack of love for myself. No one else could see through the veil I had spent years putting up, until he could. I don't know what powers in the universe collided but he found me when I wasn't even looking. He stole me away from a man whose heart was darker than pitch and instead of sweeping me off my feet he held my hand and walked with me, getting to know me every step of the way and allowing himself to open up. It takes a truly genuine caring person to be able to deal with the issues I face and I will forever know how lucky I am to have the man who found me. 

He stands by my side even when I am wrong, teaching and guiding me through a world I am ill equipped to handle. I know it's hard on him but he teaches me more and more every day and I see in his eyes and actions the compassion, joy and hope I can feel when he is next to me. I am blessed. Even after all the flaming hoops he has already gone through for me he is still willing to put himself in harm's way just to make sure I am kept safe. Is that not the deifnition of true love? This past weekend, while visiting my family back in Tennessee, the most amazing thing happened. I had a feeling it was coming, and when it did it really blew me off my feet. He asked me if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, if I would marry him. Of course the answer was yes, a resounding yes! More beautiful though, he actually talked to my parents and asked permission to take my hand in marriage. I am speechless even now when it comes to describing how much I love him and how much he means to me. All my life I've wanted to just know that one person wanted me above all else, someone who thought that I was the only one worth having in this world. And here he was. Standing right before me. 

My engagement ring is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned, white gold with diamonds. Yes, diamonds. Since I was a little boy I've wanted just one diamond, not even a big one. I wanted to feel that awesome feeling when someone gives you something so rare and valuable because they think you deserve it. I wanted to be loved. And here I am, ring on my finger and the love of my life by my side. Flying back on the plane I sit here up in the night sky reading "The Fault In Our Stars" and wondering how I have ended up so lucky. I truly never saw this day ever coming. Not in a million years. On top of that the love of my life is loved by not only my parents but my younger brother as well. When I closed my book on the tray table in front of me the light caught my ring and I saw that twinkling sparkle as the diamond's radiance was displayed for all to see. It suddenly struck me - everything I have ever wanted I have right in front of me. I may be far from my family right now but I have my own family here that I am now building. My dreams aren't coming true, they already have. Seeing that twinkle I told myself that it was time to really change. No more games and no more wasting time, my life is here and now and it's time to live the life I've always wanted. It's still going to be hard, but I have my amazing fiancé to guide me and help me along. And I have my ring to remind me for always just how bright our love can shine and sparkle. I vowed to myself to remember that fact wherever I may be and whatever may be going on. When I see that sparkle and shine it should be a reminder that my dreams are here and I have no more reason to be afraid. I got the thing I wanted most in this world, now there's no reason on heaven or earth to waste another moment stressing out about things that will happen no matter what through every walk of life no matter who you may be. That diamond is more than just a representation of the infinite strength of our love, it is a symbol to remind me that none of that small stuff matters anymore. The little things aren't worth worrying over, life isn't worth worrying over. Life is here and now, like a diamond twinkling in the light; life will always have its bright spots - you just have to look the right way and catch it in the right light to see them, but I promise they are always there. For me my biggest bright spot is the love of my life, something my ring reminds me of every time it reflects the light already shining all around. 

Lizards In The Garden

As spring begins the world has begun to come alive all around me. I love it, I love the smell and I love the feeling in the air. That crispness I sense as I breathe in is so refreshing and invigorating. This is why I am always going outside. It's why I'm always pushing myself to get up and get out. When I get really depressed all I want to do is stay in. Whether it's lying in bed, sitting at the desk or sitting on the edge of the bed I don't care. I just don't want to get out and interact with people. And I definitely don't want to talk on the phone. I can get stuck like this, stuck in this terrible self-perpetuating cycle of misery and despair. We all can, it's an easy trap to fall in to. The best way I found to get out of it is to get up and just go outside. I do it by myself if I need to, but I still go outside and breathe in the fresh air. It brings me back to life. When it's time to come back inside I always feel at least a little more optimistic about life. It somehow helps me realign my perspective and puts a little more fuel in my tank. I don't know what it is but it works every time. It helps me calm down enough to take a deep breathe and put all my problems in relative perspective. I push myself to realize that some things just aren't worth t, like whether or not what I did at work made someone mad or not. If it did then oh well it's already happened and I can't change that. If not then I have nothing to worry about anyway. It's simple, some things aren't worth wasting time worrying over. The past is the past and all we can do is adapt and move forward as best we can. Sometimes we need something to force us to slow down, to take that breath. Use nature, it's all around you and already at your fingertips. It costs nothing and returns everything. It can be simple like walking to the store just down the street instead of driving to it or taking a fifteen minute walk through the park with your headphones on. Do something you want, it is supposed to be fun too. 

One of the things I love is seeing the flowers budding and the green growth stemming from all the tree branches around me. A raw example of life and the power of nature, it's beauty on display for all to see. Roses are my favorite, red roses particularly. But I do love all roses, and I love that I get to see them everyday walking in my neighborhood. The old saying about stopping to smell the roses always comes to mind, but then again it is true. I love to just stop and close my eyes and smell a beautiful rose. It's five seconds of pure bliss. Everything melts away and afterwards that rose stays on my glasses to keep me looking at things just a little bit brighter. The next time you are out take a moment and smell a rose, or any beautiful flower you happen to come across. Savor the moment and take in the healing energy Mother Nature is giving you. 

Now that the warm weather is here and the sun is out to warm the stones and grass lizards are almost everywhere. I love it, I used to have a pet lizard. He didn't last too long but I loved him for every second. At least I think it was a him. I wouldn't know. I've always loved lizards, just not snakes. There are lizards out sunbathing on the walkways at work and on the stones lining our daily hiking trail. There are so many, I love just watching them. They are so adaptable, I have always been amazed that they can grow back a tail that gets severed. Amazing. They can climb almost anything too, any surface or terrain. When I see a lizard I tell myself to be a little more lizard like. Take time to bask in the healing sunlight, pause and breathe in this beautiful world around you and learn to adapt to trying and tolling situations with dignity. You know you're able to. We all have it inside of us, it's how we're made and born. Lastly, don't be afraid to go anywhere, even when you're scared out of your mind. Don't be afraid to tackle any surface or brave any terrain. Look at the lizard, another example of the universe showing us that we really can make it. Slow down enough to get the message and see just how much it will change your life. Take a second and go look through the window into the garden. It's beautiful isn't it? Wouldn't you feel better outside? Just five minutes of that fresh air is worth a days problems if you let it empower you. Harness the joy around you and take flight, what is there to wait for? Nothing more rewarding. 

Finding Joy In The Peace of Others

Saturday, finally here, woo hoo! Admit it, most of us spend the whole week looking forward to the weekend, or our days off. The freedom is intoxicating. Of course I am always on call but that's ok, most of the time I don't get any major nursing problems. I love my job and I don't mind coming in when I am needed, but sometimes I do just want a whole day to myself after working the craziest and longest hours for the past two weeks. Today I got a call at almost 10am asking when I was going to go in to the office to fill out the Incident Report that needed to be sent in. Of course after that I couldn't rest or go back to sleep or even relax. I got up, showered, got dressed and my partner made me some coffee on my way out the door. On the way there, and back for that matter, I listened to fun music. I listened to music that I loved, that put me in a good mood. Music from the past is always the best. The memories associated with certain songs can be as strong over the years as the ones made last night when you went out with friends. I just forced myself to relax by focusing on only what I was doing at that moment and I kept reminding myself that it was only one small thing I had to do and then I could go home. Of course it went by in a quick hour and I enjoyed myself. It really took me only a few minutes to write it all out and I got to visit with the guys at the house, the staff there and even my administrator. The sunny ride home was relaxing and seemed to go by pretty fast not thinking about it. When I got home I changed and got a Red Bull and we decided to go for a walk. I had the rest of the day to enjoy and do something, why sit around upset because I had to go to something when not only did I have the time and weather to have an amazing day but I also had someone who loved me and actually wanted to spend their time with me. Whenever I can make myself calm down and realize that fact I always feel better.
We scooped up little Miss Daenerys and got in the truck to go to the park. On the way we had to get gas because the light was on. Upon turning the first corner from the apartment Dany got excited and kicked my tropical Red Bull onto the floor and out of my lap. It of course spilled most of it's contents onto my lap, my leg and the floor. She jumped up scared and climbed into the backseat. Needless to say I was stupidly upset and frustrated. I didn't say anything the whole way to the gas station because I was fuming and I just wanted to scream. Why couldn't everything just go right? While I was pumping gas my partner cleaned the spilled drink and when I wasn't looking he even snuck inside and bought me a new Red Bull and got a bottle of water. I kind of had to just swallow my pride there and give in. I thanked him and forced myself to forget about the sticky situation. I couldn't believe that someone had done that for me, just because they knew I was upset about something. I mean I guess I can believe it, but it still catches me off guard every time. This is why I am in love.
We enjoyed our walk at the park and had fun with our little girl. It is always so refreshing to be out in the sun, especially among all the trees. I got to watch Miss Stormborn chase the million squirrels playing in the grass and the trees. She had just as much fun as we did. Of course she pooped herself out and had to be carried back to the truck. She enjoyed every second of it, don't be fooled. I know her tricks, my partner just gives in to her cuteness more than I do. After getting home we collapsed onto the bed to watch something funny on television and bask in the coolness of the air conditioner. Dany curled right up between us and before we were even settled she was fast asleep in bed. I sat up and just watched her, slowly breathing in and out with her eyes closed and her body curled up relaxed. She slept through the sound of the camera on the phone and me moving around to get the perfect view. She was completely out of it, poor thing. Her peaceful face just made my heart ache. Watching her there I didn't want to move at all. I could have stared at her for hours. As she calmed me down and settled my mind and heart I realized that it didn't matter if I had to go to work today for a little bit. It didn't matter that I would probably get called in tomorrow to admit a client back from the hospital. It didn't matter that I felt like all I was doing was working. I had a partner who would go out of his way to make me feel better and give me what I wanted when I screw up. Well, I have a partner. I am very lucky and there should never be a moment in time when I don't feel like I will always have someone there to back me up, even if I can't always see him. If Miss Stormborn could have the time of her life in the sun and then come home and collapse then why couldn't I let go of all the stupid things worrying me and enjoy the valuable time I keep wishing I had more of? Watching her sleep there, with my love in the background, I realized that those things didn't matter. Life is what is happening right now, when we are too busy planning and thinking to really see it and enjoy it. Today I found peace in the two loves of my life. Their being at peace and enjoying their lives joyfully gave me the support I needed to do the same. I just have to stop holding on to pain, stress and anxiety. All I ever want is more time to be with those I love, so why not take the time I do have and make the most of it?

Finding Joy In The Unknown & Unexpected

Flexibility. Adaptability. Remaining calm and in control. Professional. I have always had problems with these. Always, it's like a disease that has plagued me forever. Something I am constantly working to fix and learn to control. Learning how to control my feelings has taken me quite a long time and there are still many times where I lose that control. But I do my best, that's all I can do. That and I just keep trying. Trying to control my reactions to sudden change of any kind is very difficult for me. When I am caught off guard it's like all my walls, good and bad, align to momentarily open a path right for the heart. When something sudden happens I, most of the time, don't have my partner with me to help control my emotions. I am left up to my own devices, and it's something I could still use some help with. Everyday I keep trying, it's the only thing to do.

Catching me off guard is like triggering pent up lava and just watching for the explosion, whether outwards or inwards. It's the one thing I would change about myself if I could. I am learning to control stress in my day to day life and I am doing much better now than I was ten years ago. My weakness, that I am at least aware of, is when I get surprised. I don't deal well at all. At work I am mostly under control but there are times when things spring up or something doesn't go the way it was supposed to and I pretty much freak out. It's not as bad as it is at home, but I tend to start talking really fast and really loud as I get more excited. The worst part is that I don't even notice when I'm doing it. People think I am responding with anger when I am only trying to talk or answer a question, but since I am pumped up with adrenaline I don't realize how I talk. Afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I feel terrible. Terrible. It bothers me for days and I hate it. That's not me. I don't want people to think it is. I also don't want to jeopardize a job I love because I don't realize how worked up I can get. 

At home it is even worse. Sometimes there's not even a reason for my explosions. Sometimes there's a trigger and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I hate not being able to always control myself. I hate the way I talk to my partner, especially when he is trying to go out of his way to take care of me and look out for me. I don't deserve the way he cares for me. But I also know that without him I would not be able to survive. I would not be able to cope. People like me need people like him. But I also have to learn to treat the people I love, who are taking their time to care for me, with more kindness. I hope he knows I don't mean it, I never do. I have to work though to constantly show him that I am not that person and that I am able to change. Not just for me, but for him and us. 

Even small things in life that pop up, like having to schedule a doctor's appointment or making a call to the insurance company, are overwhelming. The smallest things make me stress and overreact. I get overwhelmed and I can't handle it. The surprise and shock are too much for me. It flips my switch. Without my partner I wouldn't be able to do things like going to the store, paying bills, picking up medicine and on and on. Even going to a doctor's appointment is most of the time enough to get me going. The point is, I don't handle it well right now and it's not healthy. It's not good for me. It makes me miserable and unhappy. The only thing I know to do is practice and work at it with the people who support me. I don't know what else there is. I have to learn how to handle this better, and I have to hold on to that tightly. 

Slowly I am improving and getting better. Last night I was at the pharmacy and my credit card was acting up and there was a long line and I was frustrated. When I went back outside to use my phone my partner came with me. I could feel the fumes boiling underneath but I held it down. I could feel the part of me that wanted to snap or be angry or say something mean because I was so frustrated and felt like I couldn't handle all these changes and sudden occurrences. Instead I talked to my partner with a calm even tone and explained to him what happened and what I was doing. It was hard swallowing it down and keeping it there but afterwards I felt so much better. I didn't have that horrific guilt of treating my soul mate and best friend with contempt and annoyance. I never want to feel that again, and I don't want him to either. It was a small silly step, but to me it was a major victory that showed me that I could do it. It will be hard and take hard work but I can do it. That's all I need, to know I can get there. Of course I'll have my support and my best friend to help carry me when I need it. It's a battle, but one I have to fight to keep my sanity and joy. A fight I cannot back down from anymore. 

Life is like stairs , they are always going to curve around a bend or corner to continue on into shadow, into the unknown. Even when the horizon is straight ahead with nothing but open fields around us the road still disappears into the distance. Because of that unknown we have to always be prepared for the stairs to suddenly turn left or right or up or down as soon as we turn around the looming corner. Or it could keep going smoothly. The point is we can't know. Moreso there are potholes and bumps in the road that we don't see until we have fallen victim to them. How we respond to those inevitable accidents decides how much joy we allow in our lives. It's up to us how we weather this tough and surprising road, this precarious journey. Grab life by the horns and demand the joy you want and deserve. Be ready for the twists and turns in life, that's when you're joy is tested the most. Stay strong, stay committed, stay joyful. 

The Curving Archways Towering Overhead

Besides walking through doors and grabbing at opportunity, we pass under a countless number of arches in our lifetimes. By hard work and dedication you can influence where your pathway leads and through which archways you pass through. We will always pass underneath those curved and vaulted ceilings, it is just a part of life. We can't always bask in the warm glow of the sun. Then again they can protect us from the wintery cold, and after too long in the heat everyone needs a break. The shade they provide can give us a respite and chance to heal and reflect or it can be a place of dark depression and isolation. It is up to us whether we are joyful or not. 

The difference between a door and an archway is the amount of resistance we get back. A door can be closed, whether locked or open. Running into that door can slow you down a lot. Even the doors that are open to us aren't always open all the way, it takes some effort on our part as well. This slows us down and takes time. With an archway there is no resistance, just an opening to be thrown or swept through. 

Many times we end up stumbling or falling through without even realizing we are passing underneath anything at all. Think of those stone archways you've seen, they are everywhere. There are the famous ones like the one in Paris and there are the normal ones that seem to blend in with everyday life. Archways are everywhere, even in nature. Maybe it's the strength of it's shape or the way it seems to grow organically as two living things become one. Nature tends to make it's own archways in it's journey of growth. Natural arches are my favorite, they are so beautiful because they are so thriving, organic and living. Nature can seem to come together to form tunnels as well. What is a tunnel if not an arch extending onward? If you have ever been in a tunnel, whether a small one made by someone you know or a huge one excavated and outfitted for the public's interaction and pleasure by the parks department, think about the ceiling of the tunnel. Nine times out of ten it is curved, just like the top of an arch. The strength of the arch is repeatedly used throughout history and still continues to be used today. I love campuses and college universities; I graduated Summa Cum Laude from the University of Tennessee. There are stone arches everywhere, ranging in size from the outdoor passageway between two of the buildings on the hill to the arches repeated infinitely together around the football stadium, both at ground level and on top overlooking and towering over the university down below. Arches are, for some reason, pleasing to the eye and the heart as it both relaxes us and puts as more at peace. Often, as nature slowly but surely grows, natural arches are formed and then strengthened. Nature utilizes the shape of the arch to it's advantage, we should at least be doing that. Take a look at the world around you, really stop and look for just a minute or two. See the hidden arches around you, even the ones that only you see. When you walk through an arch think about how strong it is, how natural and affirming it can be no matter what it is made of. Take some of that strength for yourself, draw upon the healing powers of the natural and organic world around you. Arches are strong because they can also provide shelter. Their roots hold them strong and the columns of the bases kiss each other high above their origin as two things grow upwards and forwards together. 

When two people face each other and extend their arms to make an arch it forces each of them to stand up straight and lift up their shoulders slightly. Your arms have to go up and forward. Look at a friendship between two people. In order to form a strong arch together that helps both of you by making each stronger, you have to raise yourself up. That's the only way you can have that strength. Friendships that just keep you going or those that you don't really care too much about are never going to come together to form archways. Friendships that bring you down, tear at who you are and cast your gaze away, are the ones that will never form archways. They will never be strong. Why would you waste your time with something that not only hurts you but will continue to do so as the world turns and you grow on?A good friendship between two people, two columns, is made stronger when both reach out to one another as they both grow up and onward through time. Two arms on each side extended towards each other, lifted up and curved so as to fit together enough to be able to lean on the other completely. 

Examine your relationships and your views and stances. What do you see? Can you even see what's there? That's the first goal. Once you see what is right in front of you, you can make a choice to either do something about it or just sit back and let it happen. Are your friends or loved ones toxic for you? Do they make you a stronger person or do they drag you down time and time again? Those are the ones we want to get rid of, or at least step away from. And we can tell them why if they ask, I've been in this spot a few times and in the end the honesty was what held everything together. You have to protect yourself and look out for where you are going, yes we can help others but if we do not help ourselves we are of no value to anyone at all. The next time you go for a walk or the next time you are driving to work glance around you every now and then and see if you see any arches around you. Whether in the building or on the billboard or in the design of the car, see what you can find. Do you see arches in the world around you? Where? What are they? Can't find any? Take a deep breath, relax and let loose your mind. Take five minutes in the car or on your daily walk and don't think about anything else except what you are hearing and seeing around you. Most of us have to force ourselves to take a hard look because we are too stubborn and too busy to admit it on our own. Don't let yourself get so caught up; free your heart and mind. Try it today, take a look. While you're at it think about this, if a tunnel is nothing more than an archway extending into the distance then when we hit a roadblock do you think that the strongest arches we have will push us through instead of around our problems in life as they guide us forward in order to create a tunnel for us to pass through?