The Most Precious Thing I Own Is My Wedding Ring

So, let's start with a reality check. I never had a boyfriend or significant other in middle or high school. My first relationship, an extremely toxic one that damaged me for a long time, happened when I was 17 with a man who was 24. That was a really bad time in my life. Before that the most exposure I had to romance and love was in the books I read and the movies I watched. I thought life was a Disney movie and those in love acted just as if they were in Romeo & Juliet. I learned a painful lesson in a hard way. I isolated myself from my family and friends and became reliant on the person tearing me down. All of this to say that my view of love was shattered. The only thing I ever dreamed of growing up was getting married, having that man who looks into my eyes and tells me he only wants me. Someone who would want to take care of me, who would want to sweep me off my feet and give me the world. I thought, and still do most of the time, of myself as nothing and all I wanted was that feeling of being loved and having someone else believe I was worth something. Something more than I could see. After that first relationship I never thought I would recover, a lot of very bad and dark things happened and it took me years to come to terms with it. But eventually I did; I still stayed out of relationships though. My next one wasn't until just before I graduated college in Tennessee and lasted only for a few months. After graduation and after I moved to LA I had maybe a handful of short-lived relationships that never went beyond the surface. 

My faith in love began to disappear. In the bright shining lights of Hollywood it was hard to see love anywhere. But, just like that, out of the blue, he appeared. We met online, today something that isn't so unconventional anymore, and hit it off right away. I know from the first night I met him he was the one. I was dating someone at the time, someone I had caught cheating on me more than once, and as I walked my newfound love out that first night I remember turning around the hallway corner and thinking about what I was going to do and say to my boyfriend to make sure I got to see this man again. Maybe it sounds bad, but to go from being treated like crap to being put first is an amazing difference. I never had anyone treat me the way he did. He forced us to move slow and stay friends for a few months before we made a move. And I remember that first move - a night out with our friends, feelings I could no longer hold back, liquor, loud music, a speaker and a kiss. A first kiss. One I will never forget. That started it all. 

It was the first time in my life that I felt truly special, really and truly wanted by someone. For someone like me who spent most of my life believing I wasn't good enough to be loved this was something unfathomable. Something so new it was overwhelming. I was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was 17 and it has been a long and rough journey up and down and all around. It taught me to hate myself for who I was and hate the things I did that I couldn't control. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't, separate me from my disease. I see myself as bi-polar and not me. My husband was the first person to see through that and see me for who I really am. I didn't see myself as worthy of anyone's love and I excepted to spend my life alone, always searching for someone who wasn't there. 

But I did find that person, or rather he found me. Through all the chaos and the mess, when I was least expecting it, he swept me off my feet and carried me away. I still can't believe it's true. It's so fantastical to me. The downside now is living with the bi-polar while I am with the love of my life. The ups and downs don't stop, they never go away. I can be so mean and uncaring without even realizing it. I can be terrible. I hate it, and it makes me hate myself even more. I cant fathom or understand why my husband has faith in me or even still loves me. No matter how I treat him he takes care of me and loves me and goes out of his way to protect me. I would do anything for him, and I do every chance I get. 

Our wedding rings are Tungsten Steel and Meteorite; our love is to infinity and beyond, as is inscribed on the inner side of the band. My wedding band is the most important and invaluable thing I own. It means the world to me, and more. I never thought I would get one, that someone would love me enough to give me one. When I put it on or see it on my finger it reminds me not only of the love that my husband and I share but also that I am worthy of being loved and someone out there thinks so. Yes I know I should believe that myself, and I do to a point, but my disease blinds me to it. This reminder keeps me going when I want to give up. It gives me strength and reminds me of what I have. To everyone out there, single and married, love is out there for you - don't forget. I went through hell and back before it found me, and it was only after I stopped looking. Never give up. Never. This morning my husband left for work before I got up, and after I got up to get ready and went into the kitchen I saw the surprise he had left me. Sitting there on the counter were two notes with a sandwich and chips for my lunch and my coffee ready to be made. I am loved so much and it means the world to me; the best gift in life is realizing someone loves you. Take a moment and show the people you love just how much they mean to you. It will mean the world to them. 

The Joy of A New Day, A Fresh Start & A New Beginning

There are two best parts of any day, as cliche as it may sound, the beginning and the end. It all has to do with promise and hope. Every morning we wake up there lies before us the promise of a new day and the hope of a new beginning. As we lie in bed at night before going to sleep we sum up our day and look back on the things that have happened and forward at the opportunities that tomorrow brings. One of the things I like about my job is having two daily offices as well as other offices I periodically drop by, all within about a five to ten mile radius max. Since I am salaried I get breaks throughout the day as I travel to my office or back and it's nice to have those little drives to enjoy music, enjoy the weather, vent a little on my frustrations and pep myself up a little bit when I need it - which is just about always. Even these short five minute drives can help keep me going through a crazy day of doctor calls and client appointments and client accidents and Special Incident Reports and Universe-forbid Licensing from the State Health Department (not the kindest people on planet Earth).
The best drive though is the one that comes every morning after I leave my apartment. Having differing destinations my route isn't always the same, and even when it is I can change it up. The weather is pretty good here in California and I have my music from my iPhone to keep me going as I drive the truck. It's nice to breath in the morning air as I set out to work each morning even if all I want to do is head back into bed at home. Even yawning and dreary-eyed I enjoy having time to pep myself up for the day. I don't know if anyone really wants to go to work everyday, or maybe there are those lucky few out there who really enjoy getting up and going to work. I enjoy my job enough and I like being a nurse and all but I know that I would much rather be on the beach reading a book or traveling the world seeing new places. But, this is life and you deal with it and you keep going. So each morning we have a chance to talk ourselves up for the coming day that we have to face no matter what. This is where we can focus on the Joy that we have found for ourselves and really use it to charge up our batteries. I mean, find a silly song you love that just makes you grin ear to ear and play it when you pull out of the driveway while you begin to plan your day. Stick a little bobble-head of your favorite Disney Villain on the dashboard to snicker back at you as you drive. Get the figure from your favorite TV show or movie and put it up in the truck or put up a sticker in the back windshield that you can see through the rear-view mirror. You don't have to overdo it but it is nice to have those little reminders to smile and not take life too seriously. If someone else says something then so what, obviously they are taking life a little too damn seriously too.
Put yourself in a good frame of mind so that when you get to life and reality you are in a better place to face it. We are all going to face life every morning, we just have to make sure we face it with our best foot forward. Think about that this morning, how do you face each day? What do you do to help yourself attain and hold on to your Joy? This morning are you doing anything to help set yourself up to win instead of setting yourself up for failure? We all already have our arsenal and stockpile of Joy that we have found and built up. Use your mornings to tap into that arsenal, and use your evenings  to take inventory so that you don't ever forget the precious cargo you have hidden inside you. We so often forget our greatest weapon - ourselves. We are the keys and instruments to change, both within and without. Anytime is a good time for a new beginning, any day is the day for a fresh start - All it takes is you. As I have written before:

"Joy is endless, boundless. No matter how much of it you share there will always be more than enough of it left for you. On top of that, in a karma-esque way, it comes back to you ten-fold. When you share your joy with others, along with some peace and understanding as well, it brings joy to you as well. Those rewards are immeasurable."

Tattoos #4 & #5 - Honor & Truth

For tattoo's #4 & #5 I decided to finish out the balance completely and get two more words, one on the top of each wrist to match the ones already on the bottom. So far I had "Love" & "Joy," what would work with those? I remember debating for a while, going back and forth. Trying to find that meaning, those special words that just spoke to me. One word I kept coming back to, "Honor." Something about the word, I just love how it sounds. I love how old the word is, the meaning and history behind it. When I think of "Honor" I think of Knights and Kings and the ability to truly have power to your name. A title conveys so much, more than only a label. To be called honorable is to convey so much more than just who you are but what you stand for. A man, or woman for that matter, of honor stands for truth, courage and what is right above any and all else. 

I wanted something for me, something to remind me of justice and what is right. Something to aim for in this life, a goal worthy of achieveing. What can be more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you, then living a life of honor? Honor is a term that isn't used much anymore; the values of integrity, honor and truth have gone by the wayside in the not so distant past. In a world that moves so quickly it is easier to focus only on yourself and your own needs. What makes you better than this world, being able to take a step above it, is putting others before yourself. We only have one life to live and one set of choices we can make. Living with honor means living according to what is right and not just what is easiest or more beneficial. It means to have respect for someone, and it is considered a privilege.

I wanted to be reminded to live a life not just for myself, but for what was right. For what was worth standing up for. If I only have one shot at this I want to make sure that it's worth it and that I truly can make a difference and show others that they can do so as well. It is a privilege to do the right thing, not an obligation. I have one legacy I leave behind and I won't let it be one of fear, cowardice, selfishness, guilt or having to finish at all costs. It's not about the end of the race, but how you run it. 

What do "Honor" & "Truth" have in common? Integrity, that was the link connecting the ideas I had in my head. I needed those reminders to act with integrity, the integrity I knew I had, even when faced with impossibly frustrating situations. I wanted a chivalrous token to remind me of the man I needed to be. Truth was acting with integrity as well, more so speaking with integrity. It is a hard thing to always tell the truth because the meaning and implication of truth are far reaching and never ending. We can not come back from the truth once we have been exposed and yet we can not really live at all if don't live in the truth. There is the truth we tell, there is the truth we believe and there is the truth we live. All three are consequentially one in the same, just unique to each of us. Finding this truth about ourselves is something that for most takes a lifetime, but if we are lucky we can find glimpses along the way of life. Holding onto those flashes of ourselves give us a glimpse of the true us and the true self we are striving to find and hold on to. I chose "Truth" to remind me of the inner Jeremy, the true me that would always be there. That's the self I couldn't lose, couldn't really betray or hurt. I put "Truth" on my right wrist opposite "Joy," to remind me that the Joy I seek everyday to keep me going is based on my true self and the only way to share that joy with the world around me is to use my true self. "Honor" went right where is belonged, opposite "Love" on the left wrist. Where else does love belong besides with honor I asked myslef? Honor is the defense of love pure and simple. I knew the things I wanted to be reminded of and I knew their importance. It more than felt right. I remember having them done by a good friend who was leaving town, before he left he did them both at the same time in his apartment where he had made a big clean space and sterilized all his tools. It was an awesome experience I will never forget, and finally having my wrists complete felt freaking great. 5 down - who knows how many more to go! 

Tattoo #3 - Strength

My third tattoo came more from necessity than me just wanting to express myself. I've never been the most confident person in the world and I worry about everyone and everything. Even when I am rock solid I can't see it because I am blinded by my self doubt and fear. I know that I can make it through or get it done, as I have demonstrated time after time, but my mind is what plays tricks on me. It stops me from moving forward, keeping me running in circles. I needed something to remind me of the strength and courage I already knew I had but would never let myself realize. Deciding on the word "Strength" after that was the only logical next step. But where? I had already balanced out my inner wrists; where would it really mean something? Before deciding, I remember thinking about how I wanted this tattoo to remind me that I have a backbone, strength. How I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. In my head I pictured it as me standing, hunched forward and shoulders slouched. My head bowed as I hang limp and lifeless from a single wire attached the the center of my upper back, like how a marionette is controlled by someone else's nimble movements. I imagined the string slowly being pulled up as if by God to bring my shoulders up and force my back straight and my chest out. Then I realized that I was God in that scenario. I was the one who could pull myself back up again. After that I knew where it was going to go, and there wouldn't be any need for balancing it out either. I got "Strength" in Old English font on the center of my upper back - right where that wire was attached. Right where I pulled myself up and reminded myself I already had a backbone. 

This is the one tattoo I don't really get to see very often because it's on my back and there are times I forget it's there. Now though, I have taken to looking at it in the mirror everytime I get out of the shower so as to remind myself of its presence. To always remind myself of the strength I still try to convince myself I don't have. It's funny though because everytime I picture or think about that tattoo I stand up and straighten my back without even realizing it. So it must have worked right? It's always important to have things to remind us that we are strong, because too often it is easy to forget. Don't forget your own strength; do something, even if it's just writing "Strength" on a post-it that you will see every day. Don't let yourself forget that you can make it, you can do it - even when you think you can't, you can. 

Tattoo #2 - Joy

After getting my first tattoo it wasn't long before I was itching for my second, and I needed to balance things out by getting one on the same spot on the other wrist. I thought for a while and I was having trouble coming up with what I wanted. Or more so, what I needed to be reminded of daily when I looked down at my wrist. We all want to be happy in life, we want that meaning and peace that come with understanding and acceptance. Happiness is not constant though, life is full of ups and downs. There will never be a time when things are going completely right. After having gone through some really rough times and trying to stay afloat by forcing myself onward, I knew that I needed something to not just inspire me but to give me the hope I needed as well. I couldn't get the word "Happiness" or "Smile" because I knew that there were going to be many times that I wouldn't feel happy and wouldn't want to smile. Those are the times the tattoo was really for anyway. I needed something realistic, something actually attainable but also a goal I would always be working towards. Then it came to me after hearing someone talk about the word "Joy." They described it as something different from happiness because you can't be happy all the time. You can be joyful all the time though. There will always be those dark negative times in our life, that is inevitable. With Joy though you don't hide or run from the storm, you face it head on because you know how to weather it. You have to find those things in life that bring you joy and you have to hold on the them, especially when things don't look so good. Those things are what will get you through to see another day. It's like having an umbrella with you when you for for a long walk. At first it may be nice and sunny, but when that rain comes out you'll need something to protect you. Your joy, your umbrella of hope, is what will bring you to the other side. Sure it will still be hard, you're shoes and pants will probably get soaked wading through rain puddles, but you will make it. Better yet, you will make it through strong and as yourself. When you have that joy to hold on to the hard times stop being so hard. Those joyful things bring you joy and hope not just in hard times, but all the time. They help give meaning to our short lives. 

So I decided to get "Joy," on my right wrist to go along with the "Love" on my left. Every time I look down and see it there I remember to look at things a little differently. Instead of focusing on the things that are going wrong I focus on the things that bring me Joy and motivate me. It reminds me that if I am looking at and reading that tattoo at any given moment then I have something to be joyful for and grateful about because I am breathing and reading. Things can't be that bad when you look at it like that. This blog stemmed from this tattoo that I got back in college. I started because I wanted to help myself find my joy and focus on holding on to it and using it for my strength. Now it has become a never-ending journey that I share with you. I hope maybe to help others see or find their joy, or even to just help comfort someone in a trying time. I want to help people come together through Joy to celebrate the good things in life so that each of us doesn't have to go at it alone thinking we are the only ones who are struggling. What is your joy? How do you hold on to it? How do you draw strength from it? The first step is realizing what Joy is, the second is going out and finding your own. 

Tattoo #1 -Love

Since I was a little kid I would look up at the older guys with tattoos and be so envious. I wanted to look like that when I grew up, I wanted to feel cool. At the same time I wanted it to mean something too. I want all the tattoos I get to mean something important to me. If I am going to have it for the rest of my life then I might as well really want it there. I remember with my first tattoo I would take a permanent marker and write it out on my wrist and just let it stay there for a day or two to see if I liked it or not, to see how it made me feel. 

I put a lot of thought into what I wanted my first tattoo to be and I finally settled on the word love. Once my mind had set it wasn't going to change, it felt perfectly right. That's how I know it was the right time and right tattoo, it felt natural going.  The whole thing felt natural, not like something I was making myself do or putting myself through. I had decided on the inside of my left wrist for the location and I wanted the word written in cursive. Why the word love? Well, to me it was simple. Above any other word love is the most important to me and I believe the most important in the world. Every action that happens is due to love in some form; whether it is brotherly love, friendly love, the love of a spouse or the love of a family member it is just as important. Even hate is nothing more than love turned dark. 

I also decided that I wanted that to be my driving word from now on. Love. I want to see it there so I can be reminded to act with love and to keep love in my heart, and my thoughts. Maybe it sounds corny, but to me it's important to be reminded of love every day. When we treat others with love we open ourselves up and allow ourselves to receive love as well. Every time I move my left hand or go to pick something up I see that word there and it always reminds me to stop and ask myself - Am I treating the people around me right now with love? Could I do anything different to show a little more love and maybe make an impact on someone's day. By expressing love we give ourselves the chance to affect real change. We make up this crazy world and its up to us to fix it and take care of one another. I still get angry and frustrated so easily, there are still so many times that I need to be reminded to act with a little more love instead of a little less. What do you do to remind yourself? What can you do? I got it tattooed on my wrist so that way I can never forget. 

Rule #5 - Find Your Joy & Share It - Part 2

Here we are - the end is in sight! Well, the end of this lesson at least, the end of our troubles will never come. We can celebrate now though because we have 5 more tools, or rules, to help guide us on this windy path. First off, life is never clearly defined, there will always be gray areas. Secondly, the only limit to our dreams is our own effort, we are the ones who make our dreams reality. Thirdly, the expression of joy that connects us is love and if you want someone to show you love you must first be open and then be willing to treat them with the same respect. Fourth on our list, those difficult times that come second after second and day after day will never quit and the only thing we can do is lean to adapt. Fifth, in life we must find our joy and hold on to it so that it can keep us going through those dark tough times and help us grow through experience. Lastly, we must share that joy with others. We are all going through stressful times, whether they are large or small it doesn't matter. We are all connected to each other because we are all alive; we are all part of one big web of life that keeps us held together. We are all human and we all make mistakes, many many mistakes. Some over and over even. The point is that at any time any given one of us is going through some degree of stress, varying degrees of gray areas and levels of stress. By finding your own way you find your own joy and can use that to help carry and fuel you through the not-so-happy times. If we are all going through things why not support each other. It's not that hard. It's as easy as sharing what you already have, what you spent all that time looking for - your joy. The thing about joy is that it is limitless and boundless. No matter how much of it you share there will always be more than enough left for you. On top of that, in a karma-esque way, it comes back to you ten-fold. When you share with others and bring joy, maybe some peace and understanding as well, into their lives it brings joy into yours as well. Those rewards are immeasurable. 

There are two ways that we can share our joy with the world around us, or more to say two different kinds of joy to share. The first kind is the normal, general kind of joy that is common among most of us. This includes things like general acts of kindness; holding the door open for the person behind you, letting someone merge into traffic in front of you, sending a card to your friend when they are in the hospital, the list goes on and on. The point is that these are acts of kindness that spread joy in a normal everyday kind of way. The second kind would be more of an individual way. Finding our joy is a journey that helps us get closer to ourselves and learn what really makes us happy and what we want out of life. The things that we come across speak to each of us uniquely, which gives us an opportunity to help others in our own way. For example, it took me a while to figure out how to use it effectively, but I realized my passion was writing. When I write I feel alive like no other time in my life. I am creating something of my own and I am able to pour my heart onto paper and really open up to people. In that way I hope to make some small impact on this world that lasts even a little bit longer than I do. That is where this blog came from, that is why I put everything into it and don't hold back. If I have the chance to help someone or make someone think about things in a different way it is worth it. Find your joy, make it your own. Then live it so that when you encounter others you can share it with them. The sky is limitless with possibilities and there is more than enough room for everyone. Take flight and let your life take off. Learn to live in the present, then learn how to enjoy it. 

A New Token

This little guy I found at the museum last night in the gift shop. Standing not even half an inch tall, it resembles a perfect miniature skull. It's black with some white veins and so smooth to the touch that it's almost like glass. I carry it with my tiny little stone heart in my pocket. It's a reminder. A reminder that I am the one in control of my own fate, my own destiny. It's up to me to do something if I want something done, and I don't have forever to do it. Time, as life, is limited. Whenever I reach in my pockets when I'm getting the keys to my truck or my chap stick or I am sitting at my desk at work I will have a constant little reminder. A reminder of how I should be living my life. Joy is something we work for and hold on to, give yourself something to physically hold and you'll be sure to recall the strength you need.