Crashing & Smashing Into One Another - A Drunken Chaotic Mess

It's funny how often and in how many different ways we crash into each other everyday on so many different levels, from that of the undividual to that of the institution. The small bumps here and there and the shoulder rubs we have on a daily basis aren't exactly what I'm talking about this time. You see, I've never been so lucky when it comes to cars. The car I moved out to LA with was a 2012 Hyundai Accent or something of the like and it drove all the way here from Tennessee. I made it a long way in that little deathtrap of scrap metal. After being here almost five years now though I have a new vehicle to get me around. My sky blue Accent got smashed in and I traded up for something more native to Tennessee, a pick-up truck. A black 4-door Nissan Frontier, 6-Cylinder, extended and finished bed with cable bars installed. Awesome, pure badass. Anyway, I got it because there were just too many times I was hit before by someone else and my tiny little car dented like it had been smashed in with a million sledgehammers. I wanted to feel safe, to drive away from an accident unscathed or hardly touched at all. I wanted to be above everyone else on the road, and I am. I love it, there are still trucks bigger than mine and semis that drive by, but for the most part I'm towering above all those cars weaving in and out of traffic on their cell phones all the while not paying attention to any of the people they just almost killed.
Driving used to be one of my favorite things to do, my parents would drive me around the block in Downtown Chicago when I was a little baby to lull me to sleep. I used to drive from Knoxville, TN to Atlanta, GA just to go out for a drink because I was bored and I knew I would enjoy a nice evening few hours in the car driving through the mountains. Los Angeles is different though, everyone is angry. Everyone; and it starts to rub off on you too. I am thankful that when I drive to and from work everyday on the 405 I am going against traffic. Not too much of a nightmare until I have a detour or surprise hiccup in my day.
My truck got hit twice within the first week of having it, once the first damn night and then the following workweek. Where my husband and I were living at the time we parked the truck on the side of the road in front of the house with the rest of the row of neighborhood cars and trucks. Well the person who parked in front of me, along the sidewalk between driveways, decided to also park underneath me. He had backed up so close to me when parallel parking that he had gone up underneath my bumper and pushed the whole thing up. I was so furious that day, my brand new freaking truck. Still, I was able to drive away from that. The second time my husband was driving and we were slowing down as we approached the house, with our blinker on, to pull into a parking spot alongside the front door. Well some young kid "sneezed" and closed his eyes and ran over the speed bump and rear ended us pretty damn good. My back got messed up some and my husband still has lasting problems from that accident. Yet still, we drove that truck away from that accident too. The boy ended up being underage without a license and without insurance. Fun. Really, fun. Well, yesterday I got off work at a decent hour and thanks to Daylight Savings had enough time to enjoy the sunlight and go for a hike. On our way to Lake Balboa where I wanted to hike we were rear ended by one of the oddest and craziest ladies I have ever seen. She hit us from behind and signaled to us before then continuing on for over two miles. We called the police, but  the woman would not pull over. Finally she weaved into the parking lot of some random restaurant and attempted a conversation. She was drunk and her words were slurred. Her driver side door was smashed in and I think her driver window had been smashed in as well. There was a trail of glass on the sidewalk from where she had opened the door. This was not her first accident today. As soon as I got out and walked to the front of her car I saw a nice dent and line from where she had hit the back bumper of the truck. Her words kept slurring as she made up excuses for taking about fifteen minutes to find her drivers license. She kept ranting about being a doctor somewhere in Los Angeles, and then she would stumble around  her car and fall into one seat or another and mumble on about something else I couldn't understand. I let my husband handle what was left, I sat in the truck and fumed.
Again? Really? Oh well, maybe this just means its is time to fix the front and rear bumpers after all. Can't be that expensive really. I sat there for the next twenty minutes or so before we left fuming and wondering how people could really be so stupid and make such stupid decisions. I am really a lucky man, my husband always does the right thing and always tries to make sure everyone is safe and taken care of no matter what. He is an honorable man. Enough on that, another entry there. It was just like the other times, an accident in a way. I had to move on and just get over it. I could pay my deductible now and get a new bumper. Not a big deal, I didn't really lose too much. My truck is still going very strong and it hardly sticks out after all the other bumps and bruises and scratches and scrapes. We are always going to crash into each other, whether because of our own fault or someone else's it does not matter. The key is to survive and protect those that we love and care about. The best way to do that is to hold on to our Joy and draw strength from it. Once we do that we are able to share that Joy with the people we love and the ones we care enough about to worry whether or not they will make it. To walk away with anger only hurts you because the other person is only going to be mad at you and not at themselves. Even when the other person is a drunken mess who doesn't care about the fact that they themselves are hurt let alone the fact that they hurt you.
We have to be able to walk away from our accidents in life like truck drivers. We have to make sure that we are protected and kept safe. Don't react with those petty quick emotions because those aren't real anyway. They are uncontrolled reactions to a situation or an event. Remember what is important and why it is important. Remember that even though something may have gone differently things aren't necessarily bad. You may have to wear those other jeans instead of your favorite with your sneakers to the event tomorrow, but at least your going with a hot date and you're going to have a blast. It sounds silly and cliche, but look at it like that. When you do you will laugh at yourself and things will coming into focus. Life is always going to be a drunk chaotic mess, the only thing we can do is carry on with Joy in our pick up trucks of strength fueled by our courage and love. Next time some unexpected hiccup happens try not to be too upset with the crazy person thrown your way, instead maybe show them a glimpse of the Joy that they apparently are lacking so much of. Show them the better part of you. 

Twinkling Sparkle

All of my life I have dreamed of one thing; I have kept pushing myself through all the hurt and pain with only one goal in sight, all the while realizing that I may never even reach the absolution I so desired. From the time I was but a young boy I yearned only for the one comfort I knew would make make me feel safe and protected. The thing that would make everything else right, what would finally make me feel whole and complete. I knew from the time I was probably six that I liked boys, the problem was that I never realized that wasn't how I was supposed to feel until years later. I honestly thought that it was normal, I was just like everyone else. It wasn't until my peers reached the age where they started comparing themselves to the standards set around them did I realize that I was different. I remember the feelings of hurt and betrayal when I came to realize that I wasn't like the other boys my age; why didn't everyone else feel this way? It took years and years for me to accept who I was, yet the whole time I never doubted that my feelings were genuine, heart-felt or out of my control. For years after that, after being diagnosed with an incurable disease at seventeen and then soon after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I struggled to love myself for who I was and longed only for someone who would love me for me and show me that I was worth being loved. I know those feelings have to come from within, but with my fragile body and broken mind I needed someone special to open me up and show me that not only was I worth it but that I was worth it to him as well. Being bipolar is a difficult struggle to fight, seeing as it is one that will never end, and I longed for those comforting arms that would hold and in turn set me free from from the inside out. 

I remember crying myself to sleep at night thinking that no one would ever love me, that I would never be accepted and that I would never have a normal life. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, all came down to one thing - I wanted my prince to rescue me, shelter me and show me the way. When you are bipolar you can't see the forest through the trees, I needed a map and compass to guide me and keep me on the right and true path. I've only had a handful of relationships in my life, most lasting less than six months, and all of them riddled with problems stemming from my disorder and lack of love for myself. No one else could see through the veil I had spent years putting up, until he could. I don't know what powers in the universe collided but he found me when I wasn't even looking. He stole me away from a man whose heart was darker than pitch and instead of sweeping me off my feet he held my hand and walked with me, getting to know me every step of the way and allowing himself to open up. It takes a truly genuine caring person to be able to deal with the issues I face and I will forever know how lucky I am to have the man who found me. 

He stands by my side even when I am wrong, teaching and guiding me through a world I am ill equipped to handle. I know it's hard on him but he teaches me more and more every day and I see in his eyes and actions the compassion, joy and hope I can feel when he is next to me. I am blessed. Even after all the flaming hoops he has already gone through for me he is still willing to put himself in harm's way just to make sure I am kept safe. Is that not the deifnition of true love? This past weekend, while visiting my family back in Tennessee, the most amazing thing happened. I had a feeling it was coming, and when it did it really blew me off my feet. He asked me if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, if I would marry him. Of course the answer was yes, a resounding yes! More beautiful though, he actually talked to my parents and asked permission to take my hand in marriage. I am speechless even now when it comes to describing how much I love him and how much he means to me. All my life I've wanted to just know that one person wanted me above all else, someone who thought that I was the only one worth having in this world. And here he was. Standing right before me. 

My engagement ring is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned, white gold with diamonds. Yes, diamonds. Since I was a little boy I've wanted just one diamond, not even a big one. I wanted to feel that awesome feeling when someone gives you something so rare and valuable because they think you deserve it. I wanted to be loved. And here I am, ring on my finger and the love of my life by my side. Flying back on the plane I sit here up in the night sky reading "The Fault In Our Stars" and wondering how I have ended up so lucky. I truly never saw this day ever coming. Not in a million years. On top of that the love of my life is loved by not only my parents but my younger brother as well. When I closed my book on the tray table in front of me the light caught my ring and I saw that twinkling sparkle as the diamond's radiance was displayed for all to see. It suddenly struck me - everything I have ever wanted I have right in front of me. I may be far from my family right now but I have my own family here that I am now building. My dreams aren't coming true, they already have. Seeing that twinkle I told myself that it was time to really change. No more games and no more wasting time, my life is here and now and it's time to live the life I've always wanted. It's still going to be hard, but I have my amazing fiancé to guide me and help me along. And I have my ring to remind me for always just how bright our love can shine and sparkle. I vowed to myself to remember that fact wherever I may be and whatever may be going on. When I see that sparkle and shine it should be a reminder that my dreams are here and I have no more reason to be afraid. I got the thing I wanted most in this world, now there's no reason on heaven or earth to waste another moment stressing out about things that will happen no matter what through every walk of life no matter who you may be. That diamond is more than just a representation of the infinite strength of our love, it is a symbol to remind me that none of that small stuff matters anymore. The little things aren't worth worrying over, life isn't worth worrying over. Life is here and now, like a diamond twinkling in the light; life will always have its bright spots - you just have to look the right way and catch it in the right light to see them, but I promise they are always there. For me my biggest bright spot is the love of my life, something my ring reminds me of every time it reflects the light already shining all around. 

Pick Up A Book

One of my favorite things to do is read. I've been reading for as long as I can remember. When I was little I would have much rather gone to the library than the mall. The smell of a new book will forever be intoxicating to me. My mom would read to be when I was still in her tummy and then every day after I was born. She read to my brother in the same way too. He loves reading just as much as me. He isn't a nerd like I am, but one in his own sense of the word. He has read almost every military and history book in existence I think. My dad and I are always talking about the books we are reading because we have read all the same things. I remember when I moved from Tennessee to California and my dad went with me, well I guess it was probably more like me with him since he did almost all of the driving. In my defense I'm really not that good of a driver anyway. I downloaded an audiobook, "The Lincoln Lawyer" I think. We started listening to it with my iPhone connected to the car stereo as soon as we left the house in Tennessee. I remember the first night never wanting to stop driving because I wanted to keep going and hear more of the story. It was something fun we could talk about. When the movie came out I loved it despite the acting because it reminded me of driving across the country, just me and my dad. I of course have that movie on Blu ray already. Books connect us all to the world around us and connect us through time. Although the Internet is amazing in its capabilities and evolution the printed word still has not gone out of style. I still go to Barnes & Noble once a week even though I have a brand new Nook I use. They seem to be doing pretty well. The written word was mankinds first developed way of communication and documentation. Books range from one end of the universe to the other and everything in between. There is a book for everyone and on everything. I grew up being taught the importance of reading and developed my sense of wonder and learning by delving into books of all kinds since I was little. In middle school all I would read were Star Wars novels, one of the reasons I started again, and I read just about every one in the library. Except the X-Wing series, I never did like that one so much. Then came Harry Potter and The Golden Compass and every other big book of my time. I read every book by Michael Crichton in sixth grade. I was reading adult novels in middle school, dragging them everywhere with me, even church. My book was my bible. I remember being told that I couldn't bring secular books on the bus during our cross country missions trip. Screw that, you better bet I brought one anyway and read the whole damn thing. This while listening to my favorite non-Christian musicians on my portable CD player. I've never let anyone tell me anything at all without checking first to make sure they were saying the truth. I didn't believe anything on face value. I pride myself in that. Our break out sessions on Sunday mornings in our youth group became another place for me to debate, asking questions that couldn't possibly be answered by religion and using logic that only the teacher got most of the time. Books have gotten me to where I am. They have taught me so much, including discipline and hard work. I hope someday to contribute to our rich literary world, until then and probably still after I continue to put pen to the keyboard and let everything bleed out. 

A favorite book or one that has emotionally or intellectually challenged you will always be a part of you and the person you have grown to become. I could write for days about all of my favorite books and why they mean so much to me. I won't though, don't worry. But I want to challenge you. Not only is reading fun and exciting but it also helps us develop our critical thinking skills and imagination. Find something to read, even if it's something small and silly. I recently got the anniversary edition of "Where The Sidewalk Ends" at Target and read it in a few days on my breaks. It was so unbelievably silly and goofy but I loved every second. It made me laugh and smile and took me back to a childhood I long for. If you didn't read as a kid then find something now that interests you. Start small with things like newspapers and magazines. There are legitimate online sources of information and it's right at our fingertips. Again, as I keep saying, we must only reach out and take a hold of it for ourselves. If you really can't stand reading something try a comic book or graphic novel. Try a coffee table edition on something that interests you. Try reading the first Harrt Potter book. The possibilities and choices are limited only by your imagination. 

If you are really stuck find a Barnes & Noble nearby and just go walk around. Get a regular cup of coffee and just stroll around for at least thirty minutes. See what happens. See what you find. Start a book, read something. Give yourself the knowledge, courage and hope you need to keep going. Talk to your friends. Read books together. Join a book club at the local library or one online. Read a book with your partner or best friend or even your mom and dad. Read a book before you go see its screen adaptation in theaters. There's nothing wrong with television and movies, I am after all a huge proponent of quality electronic media, but they leave nothing up to the imagination. Reading a story gives you the same plot line but let's you construct the reality for yourself instead of being told what to believe. Open your mind, open your eyes. Over the weekend I got the chance to go stroll through my favorite bookstore. It's a small used book store in Burbank. There are stacks and piles of books everywhere and up to the ceiling. Probably forty percent of the floor is covered in even more stacks of books. It was truly heaven. Finding books from my childhood and the books I've read growing up to this point. It made my heart ache and warm at the same time. Being there with a loved one made the exploring that much more fun and intimate. Find a used book store around you, the books are always cheaper anyway while still being in good shape. Find some silly books, find some you remember reading and some that look interesting. Bring ten bucks, see why you can find. I dare you. Tell me why you get. What are you reading? What do you think about it? Who's your favorite character? Why? Which character feels more like you? 

Be inspired, share the joy. Read, dream, hope, live.