What Does It Mean To Embrace Your Own Joy?

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Joyful Jenny #7 - Mountains & Mountain Ranges

"When you lose what you love, remember to stay strong. Look out the
window and remember life goes on."

These are some lyrics to a great song called, "Curious" by Emblem3. It
reminds me that no matter what happens, I have to live my life to the
fullest. You only live once. There are times where you lose something so near and dear to your heart and you just feel like there's nothing else to do. You begin to surround yourself with negativity and think that it's the end for you. I have personally thought that at one point. I lost my grandma in 2012 and I will I admit that it still does hurt me. But I say to myself... Would my grandma really want to see me in tears? Would she like to see me hurting? I don't think so. Therefore, I manage to stay strong. I believe that as long as you stay positive and strong, you can overcome these mountains. Mountains aren't smooth. They have rocks in the way and you have to get over them at one point. So just think of life as a mountain. Having a positive and determined mind can help you stay happy. I know that from experience.
There's always going to be something in the way. But you have to get over it. Get passed that rock in your way. It's just a test to see how much you can handle until you make it to the top of that mountain. Show that mountain that you will conquer it. Strong and ready. Find
your joy in these lyrics in your own way. Say them to yourself every once in a while. You don't necessarily have to look at it the way I do or the way I explained it. But find your own. Everyone has their own view to life. Take yours and put it to these lyrics. It has helped me and I am so glad that I found these lyrics. They always help me through the rough times. It helps me find that joy and positivity that
we should all have.

Standing Alone On The Street Corner

Another day, another chance to shine. Or not to shine. I guess it all just depends. I realize more and more every day just how short, precious and fleeting life is. As I approach my thirtieth birthday I spend more and more time thinking not about the things I have accomplished, but about where I am in this life to launch myself from and where I am going to go. Do I have anywhere to go? Am I trapped by debt and student loans? What about bills and the price of living? All so much. I went to school for 4 years to get a degree I will be paying for for the rest of my life. More than anything I want to go back to school and get my Master's in Public Health in Epidemiology. Then I wouldn't have to worry about money, well after student loans, and I could travel the world and find a job anywhere. If I could do anything that's what I would do, but I'm stuck. I can't afford to work and go to school or take out more student loans on top of all my other bills. I have to take the GRE as well before I can even apply. It's been years since I was exposed to this math back in high school. It's tedious and time consuming and I get frustrated and never even start studying. 

I feel stuck, isolated and alone. I don't really have any friends, the ones I had I have pushed away - mostly for good reason. I cant take any more unnecessary drama or lying in my life. Some people just need to go no matter who they are. Of course in the end I end up not having anyone to turn to except myself. I have my parents and my brother of course, but there is only so much you can talk to family about. My husband has been my best friend from the moment we met, but even with him for some reason things don't work how they are supposed to. I cant open up and I feel isolated. I want to talk but I can't because either my head cant stop spinning or I know the response I'm going to get - the same as always, sympathy without understanding. I mean how can I expect more from someone who will never understand what it feels like to live with my brain and the chaos that it brings with every waking moment? It's hard to explain to him and even harder for him to underatand. When I feel that fire burning inside, when that anger begins to blind me and take over or when the mania starts to set in I can feel it coming but I don't know how to stop it. I've been trying for so long. Worse than that, it's like I can see a car crash happening with no control over the outcome. My husband used to be able to tell when I was acting like this and he would act preemptively to keep me grounded. He was my lighting rod. Lately though things have changed, mostly because of me. 

My husband now will mostly take a step back and let me deal with what I have to deal with. He will see it coming in my eyes and hear it in my tone and either let me have space to implode or give me something to chill me out and hopefully prevent a meltdown. It's not like how he used to come hold me until I stopped shaking, how he would lie in bed with me and hold me while he whispered in my ear until I fell asleep or relaxed completely. It was an amazing thing to have, and it always made me feel like I had someone who understood me and would be there to help me when I needed it most. Because of all I have done though things have begun to change. It's different now. It is as if I have pushed him away through all my manic episodes and attacks of frustration and anger that his only goal now is to make it out the other side alive. I can't really blame him though, I know I can be crazy and irrational, I hate that about myself. I really do. I think in the process of being me and trying to make it through and survive to the next battle I have left myself alone to face the future. 

I'm not sure what I feel more guilty about, being a person I hate or making people hate me. Well maybe not hate me, but hate the person I can be. I know I have been mean and cruel unintentionally and it kills me. Especially knowing I do it all the time to the person I love. I don't deserve for him to still be with me, but he is. These feelings have pushed us farther apart as well, we don't talk or share like we used to. We don't tell each other what the other is thinking. It's like walking on eggshells all the time, trying to always do the right thing. Maybe it's all me and how I am perceiving everything? How am I supposed to know, and what am I supposed to do? 

Being bi-polar my life is constantly up and down and always has been; even in the best of times I feel the tug of the depression and the mania, sometimes together. Recently they have begun changing all my medications again, this time for my liver and kidney function, but it's like starting all over again learning how to control who I am and how I feel. A lot of people don't understand bi-polar, it's pretty simple - being bi-polar means feeling every emotion on the spectrum to every degree at some point, combined and singularly, so that control feels like an illusion and life feels like a cage with steel bars. The worst part is knowing that you are the cause of all of this, and then the blame and guilt set in. I see myself as the bad guy, as the one causing all of this. Which leads to depression and closing myself of from those I really need. I stop talking because I feel like either no one cares or they are tired of listening. I don't like feeling like a bother, which is just about always. I see myself as a bad person even though I do good things and can help people, I will always feel that the harm I have caused outweighs the good. I feel like I am standing alone on a street corner waiting; waiting for direction, waiting for hope, waiting for inspiration ...waiting for a sign that I am worth it after all. I've left myself standing here alone, no one around to help hold my hand or guide me. Is this the way it's supposed to be? I'm not sure, I've never gotten this right before. Standing here which way do I go? How do I know the right way? Will I ever know? All I can do right now is try to ground myself as much as I can and mindfully press forward toward the next goal I can see, taking it one small step forward at a time. 

"The Wisdom of Joy From Jerry" #3 - My Grandson Daniel

Do you know what really brings joy to my life? After having 6 kids and 6 grandkids I haven't, until now, had the opportunity nor the time to really be there every step of the way for one of them as they grew up. Retirement has its benefits. Three, and sometimes more, days a week I watch my grandson Daniel. We spend most of the day together, at least half of it alone. He's my little buddy. It's amazing to see the rate of development of the human mind and witness it's exponential experimental growth. It is phenomenal to be able to witness something like that. He is two, going on three here in June. He's been talking for a while now, but to witness him go from sounds to individual words to sentences and where he is now is something they will always amaze me. It is interesting, if you listen closely they speak in thoughts instead of sentences or formed ideas. You can literally listen to them work things out. 

There are times Daniel will just look at me out of the corner of his eyes like a little miniature adult, as if he knows exactly what I'm thinking. Watching him play brings me so much joy, we have a lot of fun together. He loves playing with his new Jet Planes. He will pick them up, lift them high in the air and run around telling everyone that the Jet Planes are coming and to watch their ears. Then he will make his Jet Engine sounds as he maneuvers them all over the house. The greatest learning curve in life is supposed to be somewhere around three or so until about age seven. If he is this amazing now I can't fathom the strides he is about to take, and so quickly at that. I can sit and have a conversation with him now, it's unbelievable; no more babytalk. It is also one of the greatest gifts I never would have thought to ask for. After always being so busy and taken up with work being retired is welcome and freeing. I never thought I would be able to spend that free time with my little guy Daniel. He turns three in less than a month and as my wife retires at the end of the month there will be more people around in the mornings and afternoons. Not that I don't love that as well, but I really do treasure and cherish those moments we had and have between us. It's not often in life you get an opportunity like that, an opportunity to really connect with and help shape someone. It's a two way street as well, as you shape someone else they shape you as well. Having Daniel brings me so much Joy and the opportunity to be there for him gives me more Joy than almost anything else. I thank God everyday for all of my kids and grandkids and my wife; family is everything in the end, when you are there for each other it help lifts everyone up and promotes growth and learning which fosters hope and courage leading to strength. Human beings are amazing and intricate creatures; the fact alone that we are living, that the billions and billions of things necessary for our survival go right at the right time and all together, is reason enough to bring all of us Joy. We are living. Don't ever forget that, it's something that is surprisingly easily forgotten. 

Progress Is Never Quick & Seems Painstakingly Slow

Progress is never quick, often seeming as if it takes a lifetime. An unfortunate consequence is that all too often we try to get involved ourselves and cut corners where we think we can get away with it. The problem with that is we end up with a broken end-result, be it with friends, at school, with family, with money, whatever. Whatever is worth doing is worth doing right. Right doesn't always mean slow, but it means deliberate. We have to do it the correct way. It is easy to get discouraged; it is easy to want to give up; it is easy to want to just quit. But we can't. Not in life, not in anything. Progress is hard, nothing worth doing in life is easy but it is possible. We have to remember and remind ourselves that we can't change overnight, not to mean that we should just go slow or do whatever or do things this day or that. We have to be disciplined, but we have to keep in mind that the strict rigor we are holding ourselves to won't take effect immediately. We will have to wait time to see the results. Just like going to the gym, you would never go to the gym for a day and except to lose 25lb. No, you're going to have to do some cardio and probably some lifting too. It's going to take time to work that weight off and then tighten and tone. 

Look at your mind just like an exercising body, right now it is "overweight" with anxiety, stress and preconceived notions above others. In order to get yourself in shape you are first going to have to shed those outer pounds and then focus on your core strength. You are going to have to unlearn bad habits and learn new better and healthier ones. After trimming the fat you can then start to work on toning you and who you are and focusing on true growth. It takes time and progress will be slow, but don't be discouraged. The snail moves slower than most creatures, but it never bothers him. He seems to get to where he is going on his own time table. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from him, like how life is worth taking slow. We will only have one today, shouldn't we try to enjoy and value every moment we can or at least try to get the best out of every moment we can? Even the bad ones? Keep working though, use those around you who support you for Joy and strength, Don't give up, never give up on your personal Joy no matter what happens. Your personal Joy is yours and yours alone. Be mindful and pay attention to the now, live in the today. Live in the here and now. 

The Joy of Marrying My Best Friend

I would just like to add something on to what Jenny was writing about earlier. She did an amazing job once again, her voice is one in a billion.
It really reminded me of something though, something that applied enough that I thought it would be relevant to share. You see, all of my life I have been looking for love. I've been searching for someone to just accept me for who I am and show me affection and take care of me. I acted desperately at times because I craved, not attention, but love. Why? Because I didn't know how to love myself. I would throw myself at guys and everything would be ruined, on top of that any friendship possible ruined as well. I only really had one other guy friend in college back in Tennessee, of course we ended being really close over like five or six years of friendship. My point being, it was almost impossible the whole time for me to have any kind of relationship. I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't figure out myself and no other guy wanted to have to figure me out either. I got really depressed because I felt lonely and like I was going to be alone forever. The one relationship I had at the end of college was so odd and off that I don't know if it even really counts. Another case of me being with someone who should have been my friend, but this time both of us were craving that love and attention we thought we so desperately needed.
Things didn't change until I started to grow up and I moved to Los Angeles. I was about 25 at the time and living in West Hollywood, the center of anything and everything. It was amazing, heaven and hell at the same time. I started dating an Armenian guy that I liked and he moved in; well it turns out in the end that we just clashed culturally. And it clashed with me that he was still involved with his ex-boyfriend/partner. Anyway, the whole point of this is the guy I met while I was with him. I will call him JC. JC rescued me; I remember the night we met like it was yesterday and I will never forget. I remember walking him to the elevator and thinking that I had to see him again no matter what, but what was I going to say to my boyfriend? That first night we were supposed to hook up, but JC decided better - not that we both didn't want to. He told me he wanted to be my friend, my best friend, for right now. He wasn't going anywhere or seeing anyone else at all, but we would just hang out and be friends while I was with my boyfriend.
So we started hanging out like every day, all the times I was left alone. We went out, went walking. We talked and just hung out and did nothing together and had fun doing it. We made taking a walk to the grocery store down the street fun somewhere. That was what we did. It was an amazing thing, building that up. It was months, three I think but I am not so sure, before we finally kissed while up against a speaker out at a club one night with all of our friends. I soon after broke up with my cheating boyfriend but JC still demanded we take it slow. Becoming boyfriends took time and effort, as did eventually moving in. Everything was earned, everything we earned together. As we slowly began to build our relationship it was able to stand the test of things because it had the solid foundation of that friendship that still existed. My longest relationship previously had been probably 8 months or so; well, JC and I became partners and then got married this past year on the four year anniversary of meeting that first night. The anniversary four years previously of meeting my best friend. It means so much more, and it keeps us together more than anything else. Marrying my best friend was like a dream come true, because the only person I wanted to share it with was already there and always would be. Even when things are hard we know that have each other in a way we don't have anyone else.
Our Joy comes from loving and being there for each other, as best friends and as husbands. Your best friend can be platonic or it can become something more, both can bring just as much Joy just like Jenny was talking about. So take a cue from Jenny and enjoy the people around you who are there for you and love and support you. Look there and you will find your joy.
I love you JC, thank you.

Lost Looking For Life - Being Purposely Mindful on Purpose

I was recently introduced to the concept of mindfulness, well let me put it this way - I was recently introduced to the label for what I already knew was mindfulness. One of the most recent tattoos I got was the symbol for mindfulness on the inside of my right wrist to always remind me to stay present and aware. That is the only way to live a joyful or happy life, that's really the only way to live life at all. I knew why I wanted another tattoo and the spot that I needed to fill in, but more than that I knew that feeling - that message to myself - that belonged there. I went searching and when I came across the symbol I knew it was perfect for me. Anxiety and stress have both become controlling factors in my life, as if they have taken over and sabotage my attempts at a joyful life. Through practicing mindfulness I can exert some control back over my life and who I am. I can start to learn what Joy is again and learn how to live life the way it is meant to be lived. 

What is mindfulness? What exactly does that word mean? I'm still personally trying to conceptualize and put it into words that can explain what it means to me. The easiest way is to say that mindfulness means paying close attention to present experiences with curiosity, openness and a willingness to live with what already is as it is. It is taking a slow deep breath and taking a look at the world around you that you're interacting with and realIzing you are a part of it all. And you are contributing to it. And taking away from it. You are one small piece of a world you miss out on when you spend your time on your phone or lost in worry and stress over things you can never affect anyhow. To me, being mindful simply means taking the time to let go and live life in the here and now. 

Practicing mindfulness can be useful in our everyday lives because it can be an amazing tool to help us make active changes that need to be made. Meditation, a tool to help develop mindfulness, is a deliberate and sustained practice of noticing what is happening in your reality and where it is happening - thoughts, emotions and physical sensations all noted and observed in order to learn, reflect and seek guidance. The goal here though is to observe rather than to act and change. If being mindful means living in the here and now then meditating is the reflection before the action of living can happen. While one is a way to live the other is a way to learn to silence oneself in order to better be able to live mindfully. Let me give you an example. I am an RN and have worked many years on the floor and at the bedside in the hospital. Part of my job was to assist the MD with delicate bedside procedures. I was always mindful, being aware of what is happening and my emotions. Aware of the physical sensations I feel and attendant to my surroundings. Paying attention to detail, the detail of this moment and only this moment. It makes me safer and it makes the situation safer, it's responsible. Now it wouldn't be responsible to start meditating there at the bedside, it would be disastrous. While meditating I would just simply observe and never act to do or change anything. I need to react there at the bedside and if I don't then the situation becomes dangerous. 

Being mindful is always possible, anywhere at any time. Meditation is a tool we can use at certain times to help open ourselves up and make us better at being mindful. We can learn practices that help us along the way that stay with us for life, practices that help ground us and remind us to be mindful of the time we are living in. An important part of all of this is the aspect of concentration or having an anchor. This is something that holds you to the present moment; it could be your breath, the sensation in your toes, how your clothes feel, or even how your special token feels sitting in your hand. Something physical that brings a sense of calm and peace, that helps serve as a guide toward your meditative place. Focusing on these things as you are trying and starting to meditate help bring you to that calm spot. I use my little stone carved turtle in my hand and the feeling and shape of the smoothly polished stone as I breath in and out. Because it's small I can carry it everywhere with me. Whatever it is for you go for it. Maybe it's how your back feels when you relax back and take deep breaths, find that anchor that is for you. That thing that holds you to your inner self is your biggest help and guide, your best friend. Find that anchor and hold on, keep it there for when you need it - because you will need it. Besides all the amazing mental and physical health benefits, research has found that mindfulness actually changes our brains by increasing the density of gray matter in brain regions linked to learning, memory, emotion regulation and empathy. It can help with anything because it also helps your health and general well being. It makes you a better more well-rounded person. 

Here's my challenge to you: find one routine physical activity that is normal for you, something you do most days, and start an experiment. Try doing it mindfully. Whether it is doing your hair, showering, brushing your teeth, cooking, eating, whatever it is - do it mindfully. That means paying attention to what you are doing - being in the here and now. Do it deliberately and slowly and notice the thought, emotions and sensations that you feel while doing it. Don't be distracted by the TV or radio, conversation or your iPhone, and don't hurry to get it done. Just enjoy doing it, that's life. That's the only life we have. Try it, the more you practice the easier it gets. The task you are working on will always get finished, but when done mindfully it can give so much more meaning and depth to any and every part of life and expand your Joy ten-fold. 

Unknowingly To Us, Temptation & Danger Lie Twisted & Camouflaged In Our Path Everyday & Everywhere

Temptation, a word today that doesn't carry nearly as much weight as it once did. In the past society lived according to more strict and streamlined rules. As time has passed and our horizons have broadened so too have our ideas on life and the way it is meant to be lived. Temptation used to be such a vile word, a word used frequently by religions and cults due to its connotations of fear, anger, evil and most of all self-hate and guilt. What used to be called temptation a long time ago has now become self discovery and learning, whether learning in the academic, literal, metaphorical, emotional or self taught category is open to interpretation.

Today temptation has become something different, something less tangible and more ok our subconscious and inner monologue. The dictionary defines temptation in two ways: first off as a desire to do something wrong or unwise and secondly as a course of action that attracts or tempts someone else. Interesting, very interesting. Temptation today means the desire to go against that voice in your head and do something you know you shouldn't be doing. There are of course different and varying degrees of temptation and different degrees of repercussions. Wanting things we don't have is part of growing up these days, to an extent. While I may not be religious, I grew up Southern Baptist and one concept that always interested me was the idea of coveting. Temptation and coveting go hand in hand in a way; you are only tempted by something that you want - something you saw someone else with and you want now all for yourself. That kind of temptation is always bad and dangerous because it threatens you, your Joy, who you are and all that you have. To a certain extent, you will always be you and no matter how hard you try to be someone else you will never succeed. Well, the only thing you will succeed in is alienating and destroying your own identity. 

Temptation is something we have to get used to, something that will haunt and plague our every step and every best laid plan from now until the end of time. It is going to pop up in our way all the time, that constant desire to get to the end just a little bit faster. That underlying want to finish now and enjoy the rewards. The thing is though, the rewards of victory are nothing more than victory itself because the journey is what makes the end worth anything at all. Those easy and simple fixes, those quick improvements we all dream about, are nothing more than patches on holes that need to themselves be looked at first and patched up. 

The real danger of temptation is its ability to destroy your Joy, to make you believe that the pursuit of your Joy you're so desperately following is indeed the correct path. The problem is, it's not. Temptation is a cancer that grows over time, starting only with a seed. It tells you that you aren't good enough the way you are and that you need something else to make you better. Better yet, temptation will tell you that you can do things and make changes to who you are in order to feel better, in order to find your Joy and truly be free and Joyful. It's a lie, a lie that's easy and fun to believe but a lie none the less. Finding your Joy isn't about the easy way out or being someone you aren't. Pursuing your Joy is about following who you are, mistakes and all. Temptation is nothing more than a call for the easy way out, by definition temptation is doing something unwise. It is unwisely following your Joy, being misled and misguided by something that tricks you by promising something bright and shiny when in reality the only shiny parts left behind are your skinned knees and bruised ego. 

Temptation is dangerous because it tells you that what you have isn't enough, that what you have isn't good enough and that you aren't good enough.  While we can all improve on certain things in our lives we have to also remember that we are the people we are and we have to hold on to that identity because it is the source of our true joy. The important second definition of temptation regards that of action. Out in the world today we are not just responsible for our own temptations but for the situations we place others in. If temptation is the desire to do something wrong than when we place someone else in a situation where they have the desire to do something unwise we have not only caused temptation but also put someone else's Pursuit of Joy in danger. Our actions have consequences and reflections, even ones we can't see. Think about a chameleon, who we often think of with awe and envy due to its being able to change color according to its surroundings - a pretty impressive survival mechanism. I recently got to see and study one up close when I went to the zoo here in Los Angeles and it was really amazing. I got to see it roam throughout it's cage and then settle on it's chosen branch. Once settled there his, or her, scale tones slowly began to blend in so that the chameleon itself seemed to disappear amid the background of the cage behind it. The chameleon didn't want to be picked out of the chaos all around it, a great way to survive but not a great way to live if you know what I mean. For us, the more we "blend in" the more we, by our own "action," lead others toward temptation or away from joy. Just a thought.  It really is just like throwing a rock into a pond and watching the waves scatter outward in a never-ending pattern that affects everything around it, including everything in the water underneath. We must keep this in mind when we go out and live our lives, we have to remember that the same temptations we are trying to avoid are the ones we can be throwing those around us right into. We have to watch out for one another, we really are each other's keeper. This isn't a life meant to be lived alone. As people and human beings we need each other, not just mates, but people and friends and family as well. The road to Joy is not a singular one, even for the most recluse of us. The good thing is as I've stated before, with changing times come changing forms of communication and interaction. What does it all have in common though? What is at the base of it all? The pursuit of Joy, the pursuit of the Joy within & the sharing of that Joy with the world all around us! ☀️🌎

Crashing & Smashing Into One Another - A Drunken Chaotic Mess

It's funny how often and in how many different ways we crash into each other everyday on so many different levels, from that of the undividual to that of the institution. The small bumps here and there and the shoulder rubs we have on a daily basis aren't exactly what I'm talking about this time. You see, I've never been so lucky when it comes to cars. The car I moved out to LA with was a 2012 Hyundai Accent or something of the like and it drove all the way here from Tennessee. I made it a long way in that little deathtrap of scrap metal. After being here almost five years now though I have a new vehicle to get me around. My sky blue Accent got smashed in and I traded up for something more native to Tennessee, a pick-up truck. A black 4-door Nissan Frontier, 6-Cylinder, extended and finished bed with cable bars installed. Awesome, pure badass. Anyway, I got it because there were just too many times I was hit before by someone else and my tiny little car dented like it had been smashed in with a million sledgehammers. I wanted to feel safe, to drive away from an accident unscathed or hardly touched at all. I wanted to be above everyone else on the road, and I am. I love it, there are still trucks bigger than mine and semis that drive by, but for the most part I'm towering above all those cars weaving in and out of traffic on their cell phones all the while not paying attention to any of the people they just almost killed.
Driving used to be one of my favorite things to do, my parents would drive me around the block in Downtown Chicago when I was a little baby to lull me to sleep. I used to drive from Knoxville, TN to Atlanta, GA just to go out for a drink because I was bored and I knew I would enjoy a nice evening few hours in the car driving through the mountains. Los Angeles is different though, everyone is angry. Everyone; and it starts to rub off on you too. I am thankful that when I drive to and from work everyday on the 405 I am going against traffic. Not too much of a nightmare until I have a detour or surprise hiccup in my day.
My truck got hit twice within the first week of having it, once the first damn night and then the following workweek. Where my husband and I were living at the time we parked the truck on the side of the road in front of the house with the rest of the row of neighborhood cars and trucks. Well the person who parked in front of me, along the sidewalk between driveways, decided to also park underneath me. He had backed up so close to me when parallel parking that he had gone up underneath my bumper and pushed the whole thing up. I was so furious that day, my brand new freaking truck. Still, I was able to drive away from that. The second time my husband was driving and we were slowing down as we approached the house, with our blinker on, to pull into a parking spot alongside the front door. Well some young kid "sneezed" and closed his eyes and ran over the speed bump and rear ended us pretty damn good. My back got messed up some and my husband still has lasting problems from that accident. Yet still, we drove that truck away from that accident too. The boy ended up being underage without a license and without insurance. Fun. Really, fun. Well, yesterday I got off work at a decent hour and thanks to Daylight Savings had enough time to enjoy the sunlight and go for a hike. On our way to Lake Balboa where I wanted to hike we were rear ended by one of the oddest and craziest ladies I have ever seen. She hit us from behind and signaled to us before then continuing on for over two miles. We called the police, but  the woman would not pull over. Finally she weaved into the parking lot of some random restaurant and attempted a conversation. She was drunk and her words were slurred. Her driver side door was smashed in and I think her driver window had been smashed in as well. There was a trail of glass on the sidewalk from where she had opened the door. This was not her first accident today. As soon as I got out and walked to the front of her car I saw a nice dent and line from where she had hit the back bumper of the truck. Her words kept slurring as she made up excuses for taking about fifteen minutes to find her drivers license. She kept ranting about being a doctor somewhere in Los Angeles, and then she would stumble around  her car and fall into one seat or another and mumble on about something else I couldn't understand. I let my husband handle what was left, I sat in the truck and fumed.
Again? Really? Oh well, maybe this just means its is time to fix the front and rear bumpers after all. Can't be that expensive really. I sat there for the next twenty minutes or so before we left fuming and wondering how people could really be so stupid and make such stupid decisions. I am really a lucky man, my husband always does the right thing and always tries to make sure everyone is safe and taken care of no matter what. He is an honorable man. Enough on that, another entry there. It was just like the other times, an accident in a way. I had to move on and just get over it. I could pay my deductible now and get a new bumper. Not a big deal, I didn't really lose too much. My truck is still going very strong and it hardly sticks out after all the other bumps and bruises and scratches and scrapes. We are always going to crash into each other, whether because of our own fault or someone else's it does not matter. The key is to survive and protect those that we love and care about. The best way to do that is to hold on to our Joy and draw strength from it. Once we do that we are able to share that Joy with the people we love and the ones we care enough about to worry whether or not they will make it. To walk away with anger only hurts you because the other person is only going to be mad at you and not at themselves. Even when the other person is a drunken mess who doesn't care about the fact that they themselves are hurt let alone the fact that they hurt you.
We have to be able to walk away from our accidents in life like truck drivers. We have to make sure that we are protected and kept safe. Don't react with those petty quick emotions because those aren't real anyway. They are uncontrolled reactions to a situation or an event. Remember what is important and why it is important. Remember that even though something may have gone differently things aren't necessarily bad. You may have to wear those other jeans instead of your favorite with your sneakers to the event tomorrow, but at least your going with a hot date and you're going to have a blast. It sounds silly and cliche, but look at it like that. When you do you will laugh at yourself and things will coming into focus. Life is always going to be a drunk chaotic mess, the only thing we can do is carry on with Joy in our pick up trucks of strength fueled by our courage and love. Next time some unexpected hiccup happens try not to be too upset with the crazy person thrown your way, instead maybe show them a glimpse of the Joy that they apparently are lacking so much of. Show them the better part of you. 

The Joy of A New Day, A Fresh Start & A New Beginning

There are two best parts of any day, as cliche as it may sound, the beginning and the end. It all has to do with promise and hope. Every morning we wake up there lies before us the promise of a new day and the hope of a new beginning. As we lie in bed at night before going to sleep we sum up our day and look back on the things that have happened and forward at the opportunities that tomorrow brings. One of the things I like about my job is having two daily offices as well as other offices I periodically drop by, all within about a five to ten mile radius max. Since I am salaried I get breaks throughout the day as I travel to my office or back and it's nice to have those little drives to enjoy music, enjoy the weather, vent a little on my frustrations and pep myself up a little bit when I need it - which is just about always. Even these short five minute drives can help keep me going through a crazy day of doctor calls and client appointments and client accidents and Special Incident Reports and Universe-forbid Licensing from the State Health Department (not the kindest people on planet Earth).
The best drive though is the one that comes every morning after I leave my apartment. Having differing destinations my route isn't always the same, and even when it is I can change it up. The weather is pretty good here in California and I have my music from my iPhone to keep me going as I drive the truck. It's nice to breath in the morning air as I set out to work each morning even if all I want to do is head back into bed at home. Even yawning and dreary-eyed I enjoy having time to pep myself up for the day. I don't know if anyone really wants to go to work everyday, or maybe there are those lucky few out there who really enjoy getting up and going to work. I enjoy my job enough and I like being a nurse and all but I know that I would much rather be on the beach reading a book or traveling the world seeing new places. But, this is life and you deal with it and you keep going. So each morning we have a chance to talk ourselves up for the coming day that we have to face no matter what. This is where we can focus on the Joy that we have found for ourselves and really use it to charge up our batteries. I mean, find a silly song you love that just makes you grin ear to ear and play it when you pull out of the driveway while you begin to plan your day. Stick a little bobble-head of your favorite Disney Villain on the dashboard to snicker back at you as you drive. Get the figure from your favorite TV show or movie and put it up in the truck or put up a sticker in the back windshield that you can see through the rear-view mirror. You don't have to overdo it but it is nice to have those little reminders to smile and not take life too seriously. If someone else says something then so what, obviously they are taking life a little too damn seriously too.
Put yourself in a good frame of mind so that when you get to life and reality you are in a better place to face it. We are all going to face life every morning, we just have to make sure we face it with our best foot forward. Think about that this morning, how do you face each day? What do you do to help yourself attain and hold on to your Joy? This morning are you doing anything to help set yourself up to win instead of setting yourself up for failure? We all already have our arsenal and stockpile of Joy that we have found and built up. Use your mornings to tap into that arsenal, and use your evenings  to take inventory so that you don't ever forget the precious cargo you have hidden inside you. We so often forget our greatest weapon - ourselves. We are the keys and instruments to change, both within and without. Anytime is a good time for a new beginning, any day is the day for a fresh start - All it takes is you. As I have written before:

"Joy is endless, boundless. No matter how much of it you share there will always be more than enough of it left for you. On top of that, in a karma-esque way, it comes back to you ten-fold. When you share your joy with others, along with some peace and understanding as well, it brings joy to you as well. Those rewards are immeasurable."

Tattoos #4 & #5 - Honor & Truth

For tattoo's #4 & #5 I decided to finish out the balance completely and get two more words, one on the top of each wrist to match the ones already on the bottom. So far I had "Love" & "Joy," what would work with those? I remember debating for a while, going back and forth. Trying to find that meaning, those special words that just spoke to me. One word I kept coming back to, "Honor." Something about the word, I just love how it sounds. I love how old the word is, the meaning and history behind it. When I think of "Honor" I think of Knights and Kings and the ability to truly have power to your name. A title conveys so much, more than only a label. To be called honorable is to convey so much more than just who you are but what you stand for. A man, or woman for that matter, of honor stands for truth, courage and what is right above any and all else. 

I wanted something for me, something to remind me of justice and what is right. Something to aim for in this life, a goal worthy of achieveing. What can be more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you, then living a life of honor? Honor is a term that isn't used much anymore; the values of integrity, honor and truth have gone by the wayside in the not so distant past. In a world that moves so quickly it is easier to focus only on yourself and your own needs. What makes you better than this world, being able to take a step above it, is putting others before yourself. We only have one life to live and one set of choices we can make. Living with honor means living according to what is right and not just what is easiest or more beneficial. It means to have respect for someone, and it is considered a privilege.

I wanted to be reminded to live a life not just for myself, but for what was right. For what was worth standing up for. If I only have one shot at this I want to make sure that it's worth it and that I truly can make a difference and show others that they can do so as well. It is a privilege to do the right thing, not an obligation. I have one legacy I leave behind and I won't let it be one of fear, cowardice, selfishness, guilt or having to finish at all costs. It's not about the end of the race, but how you run it. 

What do "Honor" & "Truth" have in common? Integrity, that was the link connecting the ideas I had in my head. I needed those reminders to act with integrity, the integrity I knew I had, even when faced with impossibly frustrating situations. I wanted a chivalrous token to remind me of the man I needed to be. Truth was acting with integrity as well, more so speaking with integrity. It is a hard thing to always tell the truth because the meaning and implication of truth are far reaching and never ending. We can not come back from the truth once we have been exposed and yet we can not really live at all if don't live in the truth. There is the truth we tell, there is the truth we believe and there is the truth we live. All three are consequentially one in the same, just unique to each of us. Finding this truth about ourselves is something that for most takes a lifetime, but if we are lucky we can find glimpses along the way of life. Holding onto those flashes of ourselves give us a glimpse of the true us and the true self we are striving to find and hold on to. I chose "Truth" to remind me of the inner Jeremy, the true me that would always be there. That's the self I couldn't lose, couldn't really betray or hurt. I put "Truth" on my right wrist opposite "Joy," to remind me that the Joy I seek everyday to keep me going is based on my true self and the only way to share that joy with the world around me is to use my true self. "Honor" went right where is belonged, opposite "Love" on the left wrist. Where else does love belong besides with honor I asked myslef? Honor is the defense of love pure and simple. I knew the things I wanted to be reminded of and I knew their importance. It more than felt right. I remember having them done by a good friend who was leaving town, before he left he did them both at the same time in his apartment where he had made a big clean space and sterilized all his tools. It was an awesome experience I will never forget, and finally having my wrists complete felt freaking great. 5 down - who knows how many more to go! 

Rule #5 - Find Your Joy & Share It - Part 1

Part 1:

Here we are, the 5th and final rule on the road to finding joy. This one is the most important and it builds on the foundation of the first four. So many of us feel that emptiness, that void, left from the joy we know should be there. So many know that pain and longing for something more. What we seem to blind ourselves to though is the fact that the joy we want so badly is all around us just waiting to be seized. We have to be open to it when it comes our way, we must be able to recognize it and know how to accept it. We must choose to be joyful and live with intent. Never stop looking for the joy in life because it is always there, just coming from different places sometimes. Find the things that make you happy and hold on to them, hold them strong as a life raft and never let go. When the dark skies gather overhead those things that you carry with you are what will be your beacon of shining light in the storm. They are what will rescue you and what help carry you along through life. 

It may help to keep a journal, write down one thing every day that made you joyful. Or just write whenever you can remember to. Write before bed or carry it with you and write throughout the day. Use the Notepad app on your smartphone, or another journaling app. Make a photo journal if you like to take pictures. Do whatever it takes for you to recognize your joy and grab hold. You can start by looking for and recognizing things around you that you see everyday that bring you even the littlest spark of joy. Maybe it's the special coffee you get every morning or the color of the sky just after it rains. Maybe it's the smell of the ocean or maybe it's the feel of the forest floor. It could be reading a new book, an old book, a favorite book, a comic book or just about anything else. Joy is specific to each and every one of us, just stand still and listen - you will hear the call of joy. Too many times we put so much time, effort and energy into trying to be happy and joyful that we don't see what's right in front of us - joy itself. The noise that we make and the clamor from all of our actions drown out the truth facing us everyday. 

I recently saw a quote from Chuang-Tse saying "Perfect happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness." It is confusing to think about at first, searching and yet standing still. How does that work? Well, it's pretty easy if you just let go. Stop stressing, stop worrying, stop grinding your teeth, stop biting your nails and every other bad habit that exists. The active part comes from choosing to see the joyful things in life and focus on them even with the troubled and dark times. Standing still means taking a deep breathe to realize that you are alive and things will be ok. When you take a second to stand still and focus on your breathing or your heart rate it becomes much easier to rationalize and make yourself understand that in this moment you are living and thinking. For that alone you can be joyful. It is just like love, don't go searching for joy or you will never find it. When you search for something your vision becomes tunneled and focused and you lose sight of the things surrounding you, the very place where things are always hidden. Take a moment today to relax and focus. Try to do it every morning or everyday at lunch or every morning in the car. It can be for ten minutes for for two. Listen to your favorite song or look at your favorite scrapbook. Take a moment for joy because however cliche we don't know if we will get a tomorrow or not. We don't know if we will get a later today or not. We must treasure the greatest gift we could ever receive, joy to fill the short time we are here on this planet. We can get caught up in life and work and our crazy hectic schedules and forget that we are mortal and our time here is limited. We do forget to stop and smell the roses, which we say we don't have time to do now but what are we going to think and feel the day we die? Will we wish we had taken it in more then? Yea, probably, so let's not let it be too late. It's never to late to change, ever. Don't be like a fallen leaf carried place to place on the wind, let yourself take a minute and just soak it all in. Things are never as bad as they seem to be, don't let yourself get tricked by all these people telling you where to go and who to be. You are you, there's no changing that, and there's no changing that you are going to die someday - let's live the time we have filled with and motivated by Joy. Find Your Joy & Share It!

Better Get To Livin'

Being from Tennessee I have always had a soft spot for Dolly Parton, when my mom was pregnant with me she and my dad went to see Dolly and Kenny Rogers in concert and apparently I was kicking and going wild in my mom's tummy the whole time. I can remember listening to all of her new and classic music growing up and through the years I have continued to follow her career. That soothing voice coupled with her amazing spirit of hope and courage make her one amazing woman. Having revolutionized Country Music for decades she has a catalog of hits to pick from, but for some reason today I picked "Better Get To Livin" from her Backwoods Barbie album. As soon as it hit the chorus the first time I grinned and knew why I had somehow randomly chosen this song to listen to first.

There's nothing better than a good anthem, let alone a good county anthem, and who better to sing one than the Queen of Country herself, Mrs. Dolly Parton. Just as most of her other songs this one was as uplifting and meaningful as anything else. Probably because she wrote this song as well as most of her others, gotta have respect for that. A real artist. Anyway, the title of the song says it all - You Better Get To Livin. Dolly tells of how so many people come to her with stories of their woes and hardships and heartaches and she only has one thing to say to them - you only have one shot, one chance, and it's pointless to waste it with things that aren't important. 

One line struck me as well, about forgivin'. In order to be joyful and truly live life to its fullest we have to let go of the hate and negativity we hold within us. This includes grudges and ill will towards others. These poisonous thoughts only hurt you, not the person you're so angry at. Life is short - we can either waste the time we have or use it to live. What makes our lives so beautiful is the fact that we die, the fact that we don't last forever. Think about a bright beautiful red rose. When it blooms we all stop to take a second and look and smell. Why? Because we know it wasn't there the day before and it will be there for an unknown limited amount of days. 

The secret to life is having a positive attitude, like she says all healing has to start with you. Don't sweat the small stuff, follow your dreams and never give up. The number of minutes we have left is set even if we don't know it yet, so we have to find the joy in each and every minute as it passes by. One of the things I do to help myself think positive and stay joyful throughout my frustrating days is listen to certain songs, sometimes on repeat for hours at a time, when I'm in my truck and sometimes at my desk. You have to find those songs that not only lift you up, but bring out the joy and empower you to keep going. This song is just that. This coming week keep in mind how precious every moment is; come Monday morning ask yourself what you're doing to make each minute worth it. No one else will give meaning and joy to your life, that's your responsibility. Don't ever give up. Find your joy & share it! 

Just Keep Working - You Can Turn It All Around

If life is what we make it then our joyfulness depends on the amount of effort we put into it. There is nothing more tiring than life itself, being beaten down every day by stress, worry and self doubt can be exhausting. Life will never be any different though; I mean your circumstances may change but there will always be stress and negativity and hardships somewhere in your life. It's just not possible to live a life of complete happiness because happiness can not exist without its opposite, sadness, to define it. We cannot be happy without being sad, just as we cannot have the good days without he bad days. If every day was perfect then it would cease to be perfect and it would just become routine and regular. That excitement and joy that comes with the good days, with the hard earned achievements, exists because we have felt the lows of the bad days. Without those lows we wouldn't have any highs.

So if life is always full of ups and downs the best way to stay on top is to push ahead always looking up. Never give up, the only way to lose at all of this is to give up and cut yourself out of a race in which everyone has the chance to win. Keep yourself busy, the more active you are, whether in mind or body, the better you are going to feel. A lot of times depression tends to sneak in when we aren't paying any attention and we allow ourselves to just take advantage of the down time and do nothing. Don't get me wrong, vegging out and just relaxing sometimes is exactly what we need, but we can't let ourselves fall into that pattern. Which is not very easy to do. I've fallen many times. When we allow our minds to slack off it makes it easy for those thoughts to creep in. It's always a good idea to start getting active when you can feel the black wave looming overhead. Start small by starting back up the things that bring you joy and make you happy. Grab a new book, a blank journal, a coloring book, an easel and paint - anything. Just express yourself and be creative. Go join a book club or explore that city park down the block. Go to the zoo one afternoon and walk around or go in search of a new restaurant you've never been to. Make life exciting, make some adventures. In fact, don't ever stop making adventures. We only live once after all, right? One chance at this thing called life. 

Finding projects and getting involved in the things that bring you joy helps keep you going when the sun gets blocked out by storm clouds. They not only give you the joy that powers you through life but also that sense of accomplishment. Like you contributed in a positive way to the world around you. Not just something you did at work, even though that too may be positive, but something for you. By you. We all have our own talents, hobbies, obsessions, ideas, creativity and on and on. With all of us being different in our own unique ways it's easy to see how there could literally be millions of ways to finding what brings you joy. The key is to never give up. Never stop challenging yourself. When I first moved to Los Angeles about five years ago I was an RN at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. It was a great job and I learned a lot, but on top of working full time nights I applied for and got a fellowship to conduct research in my unit of the hospital and then present my findings to hospital leadership with recommendations and policy guidelines. It was a lot, but it was a blast and I loved every second. Do you know what prompted me to even respond to that initial inquiry email regarding the application process? My first thought after reading it was that I wouldn't ever be able to do it. Then I stopped myself. I was going to do it. And I did. Last month the hospice that I consult for as Designee Director of Nursing closed which meant I lost some income. Today one of my friends messaged me and asked if I wanted to pick up a couple patients on the weekend once a month up in Palmdale for a little bit of money. My first thought - hell no. I'd be too tired, it's too far, it's too much work, blah blah blah. I stopped myself right there and texted her that instant that I would be able to do some visits for her hospice. It would bring me some of that lost income back and it would make me feel more like a real nurse again. And I will have proven to myself once more that I am capable of great things if I just let myself try.
With the craziness of life that constantly swarms around us it is our responsibility to turn things around when they get too gritty to bear. Take that extra challenge, push yourself to your limits and see what you are capable of. Your dreams are the only things that are the limit, anything is possible if you decide you want to do something. The quote above is one I found the other day while I was walking in Studio City along the LA River. There are three parts to the quote: 1 - Another downpour or hard times are here, 2 - tiny drops of water fall and collect over time, building up from individual droplets and giving it 3 - the power over time to build into the mighty force of a river. Do you know what formed the most-awesome and awe-inspiring Grand Canyon? The Colorado River. It's a nice little reminder that those hard times give us back the power to eventually carve our own existence, our own way out of the darkness and back into the light. Don't ever forget that even in the darkest night the answer is only one decision away. You can turn anything around - just never quit working, or hoping or trying. 

Rule #1

Life Is Never Balck & White

Finding Joy In The Everyday Versus Finding Your Personal Joy

As we start down this new road I feel that it is important to distinguish between two very different things. Joy exists on two different levels so to speak. There is the joy they we have to find in the day to day situations we are put in as well as finding the things that personally bring us joy. The difference has to do with adapting and paving your own way. There will always be bad things happening around us and to us, from now until forever. We have no control over the world, only ourselves and our own reactions. It is a constant daily struggle for most of us to find joy when it seems like nothing in our lives is going right. I still spend most of my day consciously trying to turn my thinking around. It isn't easy, it's something that takes time and practice. It isn't always pretty either. This is where the whole definition of Joy comes into play. Joy doesn't mean plastering an unwavering smile on your face when tough times arise, it means acknowledging all the bad around you and instead choosing to focus on the good things - the things that make you happy to be here on this earth right now. Life will always have its downs, just as it will always have its ups. By holding onto our own joy we can keep ourselves going. This is now where the second form of joy comes into play, that joy that you learn to hold on to for dear life is your own personal joy. What makes you happy? What interests you? What are your passions? We are all unique individuals with vastly different tastes, but each of us have those things that make us happy to be alive. Whether it's listening to rain through the open window or the smell of chocolate chip cookies, all that matters is that they are important to us. Finding your personal joy and holding on to it gives you the strength and guidance you need to find the joy in each and every day as you face it and fight to be happy. By holding tightly to our own joy we allow ourselves to clearly see our struggles for what they really are. Whether peaceful or hectic, stressful or relaxing, there will always come a point where you will need the strength that comes from the joy inside of each of us. The difficult part is tapping into that and learning how to harness it. It takes time. Get to know yourself, explore what you like. Explore what you don't like, what you don't know. Be adventurous. Live. 

Coming up I am going to delve into something I've been thinking about a lot lately - "The 5 Rays" or 5 Rules To Live A Joy-Filled Life. These five principles I hope will help all of us recognize how to live a more joy-filled life! Find Your Joy & Share It!! 👣🕶☀️🌎 

Twinkling Sparkle

All of my life I have dreamed of one thing; I have kept pushing myself through all the hurt and pain with only one goal in sight, all the while realizing that I may never even reach the absolution I so desired. From the time I was but a young boy I yearned only for the one comfort I knew would make make me feel safe and protected. The thing that would make everything else right, what would finally make me feel whole and complete. I knew from the time I was probably six that I liked boys, the problem was that I never realized that wasn't how I was supposed to feel until years later. I honestly thought that it was normal, I was just like everyone else. It wasn't until my peers reached the age where they started comparing themselves to the standards set around them did I realize that I was different. I remember the feelings of hurt and betrayal when I came to realize that I wasn't like the other boys my age; why didn't everyone else feel this way? It took years and years for me to accept who I was, yet the whole time I never doubted that my feelings were genuine, heart-felt or out of my control. For years after that, after being diagnosed with an incurable disease at seventeen and then soon after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I struggled to love myself for who I was and longed only for someone who would love me for me and show me that I was worth being loved. I know those feelings have to come from within, but with my fragile body and broken mind I needed someone special to open me up and show me that not only was I worth it but that I was worth it to him as well. Being bipolar is a difficult struggle to fight, seeing as it is one that will never end, and I longed for those comforting arms that would hold and in turn set me free from from the inside out. 

I remember crying myself to sleep at night thinking that no one would ever love me, that I would never be accepted and that I would never have a normal life. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, all came down to one thing - I wanted my prince to rescue me, shelter me and show me the way. When you are bipolar you can't see the forest through the trees, I needed a map and compass to guide me and keep me on the right and true path. I've only had a handful of relationships in my life, most lasting less than six months, and all of them riddled with problems stemming from my disorder and lack of love for myself. No one else could see through the veil I had spent years putting up, until he could. I don't know what powers in the universe collided but he found me when I wasn't even looking. He stole me away from a man whose heart was darker than pitch and instead of sweeping me off my feet he held my hand and walked with me, getting to know me every step of the way and allowing himself to open up. It takes a truly genuine caring person to be able to deal with the issues I face and I will forever know how lucky I am to have the man who found me. 

He stands by my side even when I am wrong, teaching and guiding me through a world I am ill equipped to handle. I know it's hard on him but he teaches me more and more every day and I see in his eyes and actions the compassion, joy and hope I can feel when he is next to me. I am blessed. Even after all the flaming hoops he has already gone through for me he is still willing to put himself in harm's way just to make sure I am kept safe. Is that not the deifnition of true love? This past weekend, while visiting my family back in Tennessee, the most amazing thing happened. I had a feeling it was coming, and when it did it really blew me off my feet. He asked me if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, if I would marry him. Of course the answer was yes, a resounding yes! More beautiful though, he actually talked to my parents and asked permission to take my hand in marriage. I am speechless even now when it comes to describing how much I love him and how much he means to me. All my life I've wanted to just know that one person wanted me above all else, someone who thought that I was the only one worth having in this world. And here he was. Standing right before me. 

My engagement ring is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned, white gold with diamonds. Yes, diamonds. Since I was a little boy I've wanted just one diamond, not even a big one. I wanted to feel that awesome feeling when someone gives you something so rare and valuable because they think you deserve it. I wanted to be loved. And here I am, ring on my finger and the love of my life by my side. Flying back on the plane I sit here up in the night sky reading "The Fault In Our Stars" and wondering how I have ended up so lucky. I truly never saw this day ever coming. Not in a million years. On top of that the love of my life is loved by not only my parents but my younger brother as well. When I closed my book on the tray table in front of me the light caught my ring and I saw that twinkling sparkle as the diamond's radiance was displayed for all to see. It suddenly struck me - everything I have ever wanted I have right in front of me. I may be far from my family right now but I have my own family here that I am now building. My dreams aren't coming true, they already have. Seeing that twinkle I told myself that it was time to really change. No more games and no more wasting time, my life is here and now and it's time to live the life I've always wanted. It's still going to be hard, but I have my amazing fiancé to guide me and help me along. And I have my ring to remind me for always just how bright our love can shine and sparkle. I vowed to myself to remember that fact wherever I may be and whatever may be going on. When I see that sparkle and shine it should be a reminder that my dreams are here and I have no more reason to be afraid. I got the thing I wanted most in this world, now there's no reason on heaven or earth to waste another moment stressing out about things that will happen no matter what through every walk of life no matter who you may be. That diamond is more than just a representation of the infinite strength of our love, it is a symbol to remind me that none of that small stuff matters anymore. The little things aren't worth worrying over, life isn't worth worrying over. Life is here and now, like a diamond twinkling in the light; life will always have its bright spots - you just have to look the right way and catch it in the right light to see them, but I promise they are always there. For me my biggest bright spot is the love of my life, something my ring reminds me of every time it reflects the light already shining all around. 

Lizards In The Garden

As spring begins the world has begun to come alive all around me. I love it, I love the smell and I love the feeling in the air. That crispness I sense as I breathe in is so refreshing and invigorating. This is why I am always going outside. It's why I'm always pushing myself to get up and get out. When I get really depressed all I want to do is stay in. Whether it's lying in bed, sitting at the desk or sitting on the edge of the bed I don't care. I just don't want to get out and interact with people. And I definitely don't want to talk on the phone. I can get stuck like this, stuck in this terrible self-perpetuating cycle of misery and despair. We all can, it's an easy trap to fall in to. The best way I found to get out of it is to get up and just go outside. I do it by myself if I need to, but I still go outside and breathe in the fresh air. It brings me back to life. When it's time to come back inside I always feel at least a little more optimistic about life. It somehow helps me realign my perspective and puts a little more fuel in my tank. I don't know what it is but it works every time. It helps me calm down enough to take a deep breathe and put all my problems in relative perspective. I push myself to realize that some things just aren't worth t, like whether or not what I did at work made someone mad or not. If it did then oh well it's already happened and I can't change that. If not then I have nothing to worry about anyway. It's simple, some things aren't worth wasting time worrying over. The past is the past and all we can do is adapt and move forward as best we can. Sometimes we need something to force us to slow down, to take that breath. Use nature, it's all around you and already at your fingertips. It costs nothing and returns everything. It can be simple like walking to the store just down the street instead of driving to it or taking a fifteen minute walk through the park with your headphones on. Do something you want, it is supposed to be fun too. 

One of the things I love is seeing the flowers budding and the green growth stemming from all the tree branches around me. A raw example of life and the power of nature, it's beauty on display for all to see. Roses are my favorite, red roses particularly. But I do love all roses, and I love that I get to see them everyday walking in my neighborhood. The old saying about stopping to smell the roses always comes to mind, but then again it is true. I love to just stop and close my eyes and smell a beautiful rose. It's five seconds of pure bliss. Everything melts away and afterwards that rose stays on my glasses to keep me looking at things just a little bit brighter. The next time you are out take a moment and smell a rose, or any beautiful flower you happen to come across. Savor the moment and take in the healing energy Mother Nature is giving you. 

Now that the warm weather is here and the sun is out to warm the stones and grass lizards are almost everywhere. I love it, I used to have a pet lizard. He didn't last too long but I loved him for every second. At least I think it was a him. I wouldn't know. I've always loved lizards, just not snakes. There are lizards out sunbathing on the walkways at work and on the stones lining our daily hiking trail. There are so many, I love just watching them. They are so adaptable, I have always been amazed that they can grow back a tail that gets severed. Amazing. They can climb almost anything too, any surface or terrain. When I see a lizard I tell myself to be a little more lizard like. Take time to bask in the healing sunlight, pause and breathe in this beautiful world around you and learn to adapt to trying and tolling situations with dignity. You know you're able to. We all have it inside of us, it's how we're made and born. Lastly, don't be afraid to go anywhere, even when you're scared out of your mind. Don't be afraid to tackle any surface or brave any terrain. Look at the lizard, another example of the universe showing us that we really can make it. Slow down enough to get the message and see just how much it will change your life. Take a second and go look through the window into the garden. It's beautiful isn't it? Wouldn't you feel better outside? Just five minutes of that fresh air is worth a days problems if you let it empower you. Harness the joy around you and take flight, what is there to wait for? Nothing more rewarding. 

Simple Tool #2 - Repeating Doorways In The Peace Under The Bridge

After moving to a new home one of the most important things I must do is find my peaceful spot. I need that one spot, somewhere away from the apartment and away from all my worries and anxieties and fears. When I first moved to California I lived in Venice and my favorite escape wasn't so much a place as the act of doing something in that place. I used to love driving, driving for hours in any direction just for the sake of getting lost and having fun; I wanted to explore. That was what I did in Venice and Venice Beach, drive around every little side street, alley, park and even down the coast following the beautiful beaches. I loved the smell of the salt in the air, it was so refreshing. When I was there I reminded myself that I really was here in California. I had made it here and I was living my dream. I really did have a lot to be happy about and proud of. I needed to remind myself of that a lot to keep myself  motivated when I wanted to give up in those times of trial. It had meaning for me.

After I moved to the valley a few years later I found the most beautiful park I had seen in such a long time. It was owned by the city so it was well manicured, clean and taken care of. There were so many trees, and so many different kinds too. There were paths everywhere and places to sit and play or eat and cook out. It was at the base of a few mountains, towering high over the open grass fields and flowering trees and bushes. When the sun was out it was like everything just came to life, so vibrant and so beautiful. It was my heaven when I was there, my escape. Now I still live in the valley but a little farther west, closer to the city. I have to say I do like it a lot here, even though my park isn't here. There are other parks though that are still beautiful and nice. The nice trail around the golf course is always one of my favorites or even the trail over the dam where you can see down onto the freeway. The Wildlife Preserve is my favorite because of how natural and raw it still is and how teeming with life it always seems. There are rabbits, ducks, geese, fish, huge frogs, big turtles, birds of every shape, size and song and so many more. It really is a beautiful place and I try to go there as many times a week as I possibly can.

Like it's gigantic neighbor Griffith Park, looming over vast mountains and ravines, Balboa Park seems almost just as huge. It's spread out and connects to parks on either side. Most importantly it is well taken care of and the wildlife preserve really is preserved. There are so many spots in that park that I love but there is one in particular that I love the most. The one spot that brings me peace. Whenever we are walking I always try to steer my partner in the direction of the tunnel under the road to another part of the park. Walking underneath it is like having the world just disappear. You can feel it as the sound suddenly stops and all you hear is the slow movement of the water and the sound of the birds and other creatures waiting outside. I love that feeling when the sound first breaks because it's like running into a wall of padding. The stillness is haunting yet satisfyingly comforting. The water has spilled over it's former shallows and enveloped pools formed around the concrete that seems as if it is just melting away. It is almost like a nostalgic feeling of stopping and seeing someone from a time lost playing in the water or drinking a beer with their friends. A weird, yet calming, feeling of hope and peace. 

Walking out toward the sunshine on the other side I am always happy to feel the warmth but heartbroken to let go of the seductive ache that always clasps around my heart when I walk through that beautiful space. Under that bride it is like a different world. Looking up and out over the river you can see through the pillars as if through a concrete maze whose walls were crumbling. It is like seeing doorways just repeating over and over, alternating so that it seems that when they are viewed from just the right alignment a series of interlocking doors have opened, all waiting for you to step through and see what's on the other side. That wonder, along with the ache, is more haunting than any ghost or spirit. That is my peaceful place right now, my refuge from the storm that is my own mind. I try to go there every day with my partner and sometimes even with little Miss Stormborn. On the days I get off work a little late we just go to one of the neighborhood parks down the street. But when I get to go visit my spot, when I get the chance to let go, the feeling of being free is so comforting it's almost addicting. We should all have someplace to comfort us. Yes there are always many places that mean many different things to all of us, but there is that one spot that really just captures you and your heart. One that encapsulates what it is that you are and what you are feeling. Only you know what that spot is, no one else. It can be the view of the wall when your sitting on the ground with your back against your bed or the view from the back patio of the house you are renting. It can be the graveyard where your loved one is buried or the park near the mall because of all the tall trees around the glistening lake. It's a challenge, finding your spot. Don't put too much thought into it though, let it just happen. When you find your spot hold on to it and use it. Use it like a battery to recharge your joy tanks. It's like a never ending supply of hope and strength. Seek it when you need comfort and use it to shelter yourself from the storms that life brings your way. Find your spot, it will help you find your joy as it strips away the distractions around  you and brings you back down to earth.