What Does It Mean To Embrace Your Own Joy?

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Imagination

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Being Joyful

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The Boxes We Are Put In Aren't Boxes That Limit Us

There are so many times in life that we are put in boxes, cages, whether by ourselves or others it doesn't matter. Boxes are meant to limit us, to contain us. In the short term almost anything can be useful for something, just like boxes. But they are never meant to be used long term or as something permanent.

So what exactly is a box? One of the dictionary definitions states "an area or space enclosed within straight lines, in particular." How does this fit in with Joy you may ask? The boxes we put ourselves in are all within our head, our heart, our psyche. These areas that are blocked off are areas of the mind or areas of us that we close off to those around us and sometimes even to ourselves. The straight lines comes in because the conflict is always due to the rigidity of our flawed thinking. Unhappiness comes when you try to control things that are out of your control. The world doesn't exist in black and white and when we back our minds into a corner we don't allow ourselves to see things the way they truly are. 

Others put boxes in our minds in so many ways, from gossip to discrimination. This limited thinking damages not just us but so many people around us so very badly. When we allow others to tell us what to think we give up our freedom and our right to really complain about the repurcussions of our sctions. Yes of course it's super easy to get caught up in the newest fad or idea or philosophy; we all make mistakes. The point is we have to always be on the lookout for those boxes that are being placed in our mind and limiting what we think and therefor do. We may not be able to stop them from coming in but if we can recognize them when we see them we can get them out right away. Be aware. Be mindful. 

We put ourselves in boxes without realizing it all the time. When we tell ourselves we aren't good enough to make the team or to get first place. When we tell ourselves not to try out for the office decathlon. When we tell ourselves not to go for that extra project at work you really want to get involved in. When we tell ourselves we aren't good enough, not smart enough. Not thin enough, not cute enough, not sexy enough, not wanted, undesirable, useless. Yes these are all terrible thoughts we should be avoiding, but they are there because of these rigid limitations we set in our minds on what is good and bad, acceptable and not acceptable. Those rigid lines causing so much discomfort and anguish are something of our own making. We are tricking ourselves.

So boxes are all around us and it seems we are all trapped in some box or another right now. Don't lose hope though. Just because we are in a box doesn't mean we still can't grow. There are some boxes we get put in that we have no control over and there is no way we will ever get out of it. We have to learn to live that way. An example of that is how I was born with whatever genes I needed to trigger my Bi-Polar Disorder when I was 17. I will forever be trapped with that diagnosis and emotions plaguing the back of my every thought, but I can still grow into something amazing and strong and beautiful. I can still flourish, one limitation doesn't mean it extends to another. When you feel trapped figure out who is really controlling your thoughts, where are they coming from and what or who is behind them. Clear your head, center yourself and be mindful of the present. Change those boxes, get rid of them, tear them apart. When you can't keep going, don't give up. Don't let one thing you can't control dictate your life and your decisions on the future. Human beings are extraordinary and strong, resilient and amazing. For example, look at these old trees. Years and years ago they were transplanted, taken out of the ground and put with roots and dirt into these wooden containers to hold them until they could be put back into the ground somewhere else. Relocation. That was quite a while back. These trees have now taken over their boxes, almost overgrown them even. They took over and took advantage of what was available and kept growing. They had sunlight and dirt and room. Look where they are now, look at how much they grew even when trapped by man in wooden boxes that wouldn't let them put their roots into the ground. They have become gigantic trees with leaves that form a canopy to block out the sun. Our Joy is what gives us our strength to grow through the hard times, including the times when we are trapped or boxed in. We use our Joy when everything else has failed. Don't be afraid to rely on it, it will always be there. When you find yourself in a box get out of it, and when you can't -  grab a hold of your Joy and grow. Grow because it's the only thing you have, there's nowhere else to go. You have to live. Live with your Joy, it's what smashes those boxes and opens up others worlds beyond.

Tattoos #4 & #5 - Honor & Truth

For tattoo's #4 & #5 I decided to finish out the balance completely and get two more words, one on the top of each wrist to match the ones already on the bottom. So far I had "Love" & "Joy," what would work with those? I remember debating for a while, going back and forth. Trying to find that meaning, those special words that just spoke to me. One word I kept coming back to, "Honor." Something about the word, I just love how it sounds. I love how old the word is, the meaning and history behind it. When I think of "Honor" I think of Knights and Kings and the ability to truly have power to your name. A title conveys so much, more than only a label. To be called honorable is to convey so much more than just who you are but what you stand for. A man, or woman for that matter, of honor stands for truth, courage and what is right above any and all else. 

I wanted something for me, something to remind me of justice and what is right. Something to aim for in this life, a goal worthy of achieveing. What can be more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you, then living a life of honor? Honor is a term that isn't used much anymore; the values of integrity, honor and truth have gone by the wayside in the not so distant past. In a world that moves so quickly it is easier to focus only on yourself and your own needs. What makes you better than this world, being able to take a step above it, is putting others before yourself. We only have one life to live and one set of choices we can make. Living with honor means living according to what is right and not just what is easiest or more beneficial. It means to have respect for someone, and it is considered a privilege.

I wanted to be reminded to live a life not just for myself, but for what was right. For what was worth standing up for. If I only have one shot at this I want to make sure that it's worth it and that I truly can make a difference and show others that they can do so as well. It is a privilege to do the right thing, not an obligation. I have one legacy I leave behind and I won't let it be one of fear, cowardice, selfishness, guilt or having to finish at all costs. It's not about the end of the race, but how you run it. 

What do "Honor" & "Truth" have in common? Integrity, that was the link connecting the ideas I had in my head. I needed those reminders to act with integrity, the integrity I knew I had, even when faced with impossibly frustrating situations. I wanted a chivalrous token to remind me of the man I needed to be. Truth was acting with integrity as well, more so speaking with integrity. It is a hard thing to always tell the truth because the meaning and implication of truth are far reaching and never ending. We can not come back from the truth once we have been exposed and yet we can not really live at all if don't live in the truth. There is the truth we tell, there is the truth we believe and there is the truth we live. All three are consequentially one in the same, just unique to each of us. Finding this truth about ourselves is something that for most takes a lifetime, but if we are lucky we can find glimpses along the way of life. Holding onto those flashes of ourselves give us a glimpse of the true us and the true self we are striving to find and hold on to. I chose "Truth" to remind me of the inner Jeremy, the true me that would always be there. That's the self I couldn't lose, couldn't really betray or hurt. I put "Truth" on my right wrist opposite "Joy," to remind me that the Joy I seek everyday to keep me going is based on my true self and the only way to share that joy with the world around me is to use my true self. "Honor" went right where is belonged, opposite "Love" on the left wrist. Where else does love belong besides with honor I asked myslef? Honor is the defense of love pure and simple. I knew the things I wanted to be reminded of and I knew their importance. It more than felt right. I remember having them done by a good friend who was leaving town, before he left he did them both at the same time in his apartment where he had made a big clean space and sterilized all his tools. It was an awesome experience I will never forget, and finally having my wrists complete felt freaking great. 5 down - who knows how many more to go! 

Tattoo #3 - Strength

My third tattoo came more from necessity than me just wanting to express myself. I've never been the most confident person in the world and I worry about everyone and everything. Even when I am rock solid I can't see it because I am blinded by my self doubt and fear. I know that I can make it through or get it done, as I have demonstrated time after time, but my mind is what plays tricks on me. It stops me from moving forward, keeping me running in circles. I needed something to remind me of the strength and courage I already knew I had but would never let myself realize. Deciding on the word "Strength" after that was the only logical next step. But where? I had already balanced out my inner wrists; where would it really mean something? Before deciding, I remember thinking about how I wanted this tattoo to remind me that I have a backbone, strength. How I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. In my head I pictured it as me standing, hunched forward and shoulders slouched. My head bowed as I hang limp and lifeless from a single wire attached the the center of my upper back, like how a marionette is controlled by someone else's nimble movements. I imagined the string slowly being pulled up as if by God to bring my shoulders up and force my back straight and my chest out. Then I realized that I was God in that scenario. I was the one who could pull myself back up again. After that I knew where it was going to go, and there wouldn't be any need for balancing it out either. I got "Strength" in Old English font on the center of my upper back - right where that wire was attached. Right where I pulled myself up and reminded myself I already had a backbone. 

This is the one tattoo I don't really get to see very often because it's on my back and there are times I forget it's there. Now though, I have taken to looking at it in the mirror everytime I get out of the shower so as to remind myself of its presence. To always remind myself of the strength I still try to convince myself I don't have. It's funny though because everytime I picture or think about that tattoo I stand up and straighten my back without even realizing it. So it must have worked right? It's always important to have things to remind us that we are strong, because too often it is easy to forget. Don't forget your own strength; do something, even if it's just writing "Strength" on a post-it that you will see every day. Don't let yourself forget that you can make it, you can do it - even when you think you can't, you can. 

Tattoo #2 - Joy

After getting my first tattoo it wasn't long before I was itching for my second, and I needed to balance things out by getting one on the same spot on the other wrist. I thought for a while and I was having trouble coming up with what I wanted. Or more so, what I needed to be reminded of daily when I looked down at my wrist. We all want to be happy in life, we want that meaning and peace that come with understanding and acceptance. Happiness is not constant though, life is full of ups and downs. There will never be a time when things are going completely right. After having gone through some really rough times and trying to stay afloat by forcing myself onward, I knew that I needed something to not just inspire me but to give me the hope I needed as well. I couldn't get the word "Happiness" or "Smile" because I knew that there were going to be many times that I wouldn't feel happy and wouldn't want to smile. Those are the times the tattoo was really for anyway. I needed something realistic, something actually attainable but also a goal I would always be working towards. Then it came to me after hearing someone talk about the word "Joy." They described it as something different from happiness because you can't be happy all the time. You can be joyful all the time though. There will always be those dark negative times in our life, that is inevitable. With Joy though you don't hide or run from the storm, you face it head on because you know how to weather it. You have to find those things in life that bring you joy and you have to hold on the them, especially when things don't look so good. Those things are what will get you through to see another day. It's like having an umbrella with you when you for for a long walk. At first it may be nice and sunny, but when that rain comes out you'll need something to protect you. Your joy, your umbrella of hope, is what will bring you to the other side. Sure it will still be hard, you're shoes and pants will probably get soaked wading through rain puddles, but you will make it. Better yet, you will make it through strong and as yourself. When you have that joy to hold on to the hard times stop being so hard. Those joyful things bring you joy and hope not just in hard times, but all the time. They help give meaning to our short lives. 

So I decided to get "Joy," on my right wrist to go along with the "Love" on my left. Every time I look down and see it there I remember to look at things a little differently. Instead of focusing on the things that are going wrong I focus on the things that bring me Joy and motivate me. It reminds me that if I am looking at and reading that tattoo at any given moment then I have something to be joyful for and grateful about because I am breathing and reading. Things can't be that bad when you look at it like that. This blog stemmed from this tattoo that I got back in college. I started because I wanted to help myself find my joy and focus on holding on to it and using it for my strength. Now it has become a never-ending journey that I share with you. I hope maybe to help others see or find their joy, or even to just help comfort someone in a trying time. I want to help people come together through Joy to celebrate the good things in life so that each of us doesn't have to go at it alone thinking we are the only ones who are struggling. What is your joy? How do you hold on to it? How do you draw strength from it? The first step is realizing what Joy is, the second is going out and finding your own. 

Tattoo #1 -Love

Since I was a little kid I would look up at the older guys with tattoos and be so envious. I wanted to look like that when I grew up, I wanted to feel cool. At the same time I wanted it to mean something too. I want all the tattoos I get to mean something important to me. If I am going to have it for the rest of my life then I might as well really want it there. I remember with my first tattoo I would take a permanent marker and write it out on my wrist and just let it stay there for a day or two to see if I liked it or not, to see how it made me feel. 

I put a lot of thought into what I wanted my first tattoo to be and I finally settled on the word love. Once my mind had set it wasn't going to change, it felt perfectly right. That's how I know it was the right time and right tattoo, it felt natural going.  The whole thing felt natural, not like something I was making myself do or putting myself through. I had decided on the inside of my left wrist for the location and I wanted the word written in cursive. Why the word love? Well, to me it was simple. Above any other word love is the most important to me and I believe the most important in the world. Every action that happens is due to love in some form; whether it is brotherly love, friendly love, the love of a spouse or the love of a family member it is just as important. Even hate is nothing more than love turned dark. 

I also decided that I wanted that to be my driving word from now on. Love. I want to see it there so I can be reminded to act with love and to keep love in my heart, and my thoughts. Maybe it sounds corny, but to me it's important to be reminded of love every day. When we treat others with love we open ourselves up and allow ourselves to receive love as well. Every time I move my left hand or go to pick something up I see that word there and it always reminds me to stop and ask myself - Am I treating the people around me right now with love? Could I do anything different to show a little more love and maybe make an impact on someone's day. By expressing love we give ourselves the chance to affect real change. We make up this crazy world and its up to us to fix it and take care of one another. I still get angry and frustrated so easily, there are still so many times that I need to be reminded to act with a little more love instead of a little less. What do you do to remind yourself? What can you do? I got it tattooed on my wrist so that way I can never forget. 

Rule #1 - Life Is Never Black & White

Here we go, "Ray" or "Rule" number one. This is not only important but helps build the foundation of the rest, leading up to the final most important rule for living a joyful life. This basic principle is one we have all heard before but probably never put much thought into; life is never black and white - nothing about it is. Growing up we see the world in only two ways - good and bad. Everything is either one of those things. As we grow though we learn to realize that most things in life fall somewhere in between in the grey area, between the black and white rules and restraints our society has put into place. So much stress and worry come when we try to put something into that black or white area when it won't fit and nothing we do can change that. An example is that of labels, meaning the kind that we as a society place on each other in order to categorize. On the surface this isn't a bad thing, as humans when we meet someone new we base our initial encounter off what we have come to believe about similar people we have met in the past in order to better understand and grasp a new situation.

Problem - we are all more than a label. So much more.

The problem comes when labels turn into stereotypes and carry negative connotations. When we start to assume things about people before we get to know or even talk to them we are using those predetermined connotations against ourselves. Stereotypes are nothing more than set ways of thinking  in terms of black and white. You are either a good person or a bad person. You are rich or you are poor. The list goes on and on into infinity. Black and white can be applied to people, emotions, actions, beliefs or anything else you can think of. We try to compartmentalize and understand the world around us by setting up "shortcuts" in our mind to help us think and asses new situations faster as we face them. Problem is that we as humans aren't that predictable because we are all individuals with our own likes and dislikes, tastes and preferences; our fingerprint on the world so to speak. Think about it this way, do you want people to make up their mind about you before you ever even speak to them just because they assume something about you? No, of course not, no one does. We want people to recognize, accept and value us for who we really are - a million shades of grey. Example, if we had a list of all the traits any one human possesses/could possess and all the possible answers we could see just how different we all are while still being so very much the same. Even just one of a million questions different makes two people ever-slightly different shades of grey. The shades of grey out there are endless and limitless. While our mind may want to default to it's pre-set thoughts and notions it is up to you to train yourself to think differently. You must remind yourself constantly that things are not concrete, that there are rarely any rules that can't be broken in certain circumstances.
So much stress and anxiety come from worrying about things that aren't "normal" or "perfect" and working out in our minds what we can possibly do to not necessarily make the situation right, but to make it normal. Make it look right. After I get in a fight with someone or even say something hotly to a coworker I spend hours and hours beating myself up for possibly being perceived as mean or cruel or a bad person. I can't see myself as human, flawed - I tell myself I should be held to the perfect standard and when I can't possibly live up I berate myself endlessly. I am still teaching myself how to take a step back and see that just because I did one thing I am not a bad person and I don't need to spend the next four hours freaking out in my head for nothing. Accept reality and adapt to it. Another example, there are so many nights where I come home from work and I spend most of my night worrying obsessively over one of the client's at the houses (I am an RN who works with adults with disabilities) because they haven't gone to the bathroom or they aren't eating or their seizure activity has been up or their behavior is out of control. I have to remind myself, all the time, that my worrying does nothing except stress me out so that if I was ever needed in an emergency I would be too distracted to handle it right. I tell myself that normal people get sick and have problems and have to learn to live with them. These guys tend to have more health problems, worrying because something wasn't fitting exactly into a box wouldn't do any good for anyone. Peace comes in accepting that in this case the "normal" isn't what it normally is.
When you refuse to forgive your friend after they sincerely asked forgiveness for betraying a confidence you are automatically lumping them in the "bad" group because of one mistake. A mistake that they apologized for. How many times a day do you apologize? How many times a day should you be apologizing? Seeing things in black and white comes from stereotypes and pre-conceived ideas about how a certain group of people are. Allow yourself to see the grey in people, in situations and most importantly in life. The more we try to force life into our own mental constraints the more anxiety and angst we give ourselves. Be open to accepting the world as it is, stormy and grey. When the thunderclouds are rolling in and the air gets that smell you know rain is coming. Those clouds, as they pass slowly overhead, are layer upon layer of different shades of grey and black and white. It could be raining in the driveway and the sun could be shining in the backyard. It could be sprinkling on one side of the road and pouring rain on the other. Things are grey, the only black and white that exist are mixed together to form the ever changing tapestry of life.
If you are having a hard time think about it like this instead: there are an infinite number of numbers between 0.0 and 1.0, it doesn't have to just be 0 or 1.

The Return Is Here!

Stay tuned! New posts coming very soon. May the pursuit of life and joy live on and thrive! 

Finding Joy In The Peace of Others

Saturday, finally here, woo hoo! Admit it, most of us spend the whole week looking forward to the weekend, or our days off. The freedom is intoxicating. Of course I am always on call but that's ok, most of the time I don't get any major nursing problems. I love my job and I don't mind coming in when I am needed, but sometimes I do just want a whole day to myself after working the craziest and longest hours for the past two weeks. Today I got a call at almost 10am asking when I was going to go in to the office to fill out the Incident Report that needed to be sent in. Of course after that I couldn't rest or go back to sleep or even relax. I got up, showered, got dressed and my partner made me some coffee on my way out the door. On the way there, and back for that matter, I listened to fun music. I listened to music that I loved, that put me in a good mood. Music from the past is always the best. The memories associated with certain songs can be as strong over the years as the ones made last night when you went out with friends. I just forced myself to relax by focusing on only what I was doing at that moment and I kept reminding myself that it was only one small thing I had to do and then I could go home. Of course it went by in a quick hour and I enjoyed myself. It really took me only a few minutes to write it all out and I got to visit with the guys at the house, the staff there and even my administrator. The sunny ride home was relaxing and seemed to go by pretty fast not thinking about it. When I got home I changed and got a Red Bull and we decided to go for a walk. I had the rest of the day to enjoy and do something, why sit around upset because I had to go to something when not only did I have the time and weather to have an amazing day but I also had someone who loved me and actually wanted to spend their time with me. Whenever I can make myself calm down and realize that fact I always feel better.
We scooped up little Miss Daenerys and got in the truck to go to the park. On the way we had to get gas because the light was on. Upon turning the first corner from the apartment Dany got excited and kicked my tropical Red Bull onto the floor and out of my lap. It of course spilled most of it's contents onto my lap, my leg and the floor. She jumped up scared and climbed into the backseat. Needless to say I was stupidly upset and frustrated. I didn't say anything the whole way to the gas station because I was fuming and I just wanted to scream. Why couldn't everything just go right? While I was pumping gas my partner cleaned the spilled drink and when I wasn't looking he even snuck inside and bought me a new Red Bull and got a bottle of water. I kind of had to just swallow my pride there and give in. I thanked him and forced myself to forget about the sticky situation. I couldn't believe that someone had done that for me, just because they knew I was upset about something. I mean I guess I can believe it, but it still catches me off guard every time. This is why I am in love.
We enjoyed our walk at the park and had fun with our little girl. It is always so refreshing to be out in the sun, especially among all the trees. I got to watch Miss Stormborn chase the million squirrels playing in the grass and the trees. She had just as much fun as we did. Of course she pooped herself out and had to be carried back to the truck. She enjoyed every second of it, don't be fooled. I know her tricks, my partner just gives in to her cuteness more than I do. After getting home we collapsed onto the bed to watch something funny on television and bask in the coolness of the air conditioner. Dany curled right up between us and before we were even settled she was fast asleep in bed. I sat up and just watched her, slowly breathing in and out with her eyes closed and her body curled up relaxed. She slept through the sound of the camera on the phone and me moving around to get the perfect view. She was completely out of it, poor thing. Her peaceful face just made my heart ache. Watching her there I didn't want to move at all. I could have stared at her for hours. As she calmed me down and settled my mind and heart I realized that it didn't matter if I had to go to work today for a little bit. It didn't matter that I would probably get called in tomorrow to admit a client back from the hospital. It didn't matter that I felt like all I was doing was working. I had a partner who would go out of his way to make me feel better and give me what I wanted when I screw up. Well, I have a partner. I am very lucky and there should never be a moment in time when I don't feel like I will always have someone there to back me up, even if I can't always see him. If Miss Stormborn could have the time of her life in the sun and then come home and collapse then why couldn't I let go of all the stupid things worrying me and enjoy the valuable time I keep wishing I had more of? Watching her sleep there, with my love in the background, I realized that those things didn't matter. Life is what is happening right now, when we are too busy planning and thinking to really see it and enjoy it. Today I found peace in the two loves of my life. Their being at peace and enjoying their lives joyfully gave me the support I needed to do the same. I just have to stop holding on to pain, stress and anxiety. All I ever want is more time to be with those I love, so why not take the time I do have and make the most of it?

The Curving Archways Towering Overhead

Besides walking through doors and grabbing at opportunity, we pass under a countless number of arches in our lifetimes. By hard work and dedication you can influence where your pathway leads and through which archways you pass through. We will always pass underneath those curved and vaulted ceilings, it is just a part of life. We can't always bask in the warm glow of the sun. Then again they can protect us from the wintery cold, and after too long in the heat everyone needs a break. The shade they provide can give us a respite and chance to heal and reflect or it can be a place of dark depression and isolation. It is up to us whether we are joyful or not. 

The difference between a door and an archway is the amount of resistance we get back. A door can be closed, whether locked or open. Running into that door can slow you down a lot. Even the doors that are open to us aren't always open all the way, it takes some effort on our part as well. This slows us down and takes time. With an archway there is no resistance, just an opening to be thrown or swept through. 

Many times we end up stumbling or falling through without even realizing we are passing underneath anything at all. Think of those stone archways you've seen, they are everywhere. There are the famous ones like the one in Paris and there are the normal ones that seem to blend in with everyday life. Archways are everywhere, even in nature. Maybe it's the strength of it's shape or the way it seems to grow organically as two living things become one. Nature tends to make it's own archways in it's journey of growth. Natural arches are my favorite, they are so beautiful because they are so thriving, organic and living. Nature can seem to come together to form tunnels as well. What is a tunnel if not an arch extending onward? If you have ever been in a tunnel, whether a small one made by someone you know or a huge one excavated and outfitted for the public's interaction and pleasure by the parks department, think about the ceiling of the tunnel. Nine times out of ten it is curved, just like the top of an arch. The strength of the arch is repeatedly used throughout history and still continues to be used today. I love campuses and college universities; I graduated Summa Cum Laude from the University of Tennessee. There are stone arches everywhere, ranging in size from the outdoor passageway between two of the buildings on the hill to the arches repeated infinitely together around the football stadium, both at ground level and on top overlooking and towering over the university down below. Arches are, for some reason, pleasing to the eye and the heart as it both relaxes us and puts as more at peace. Often, as nature slowly but surely grows, natural arches are formed and then strengthened. Nature utilizes the shape of the arch to it's advantage, we should at least be doing that. Take a look at the world around you, really stop and look for just a minute or two. See the hidden arches around you, even the ones that only you see. When you walk through an arch think about how strong it is, how natural and affirming it can be no matter what it is made of. Take some of that strength for yourself, draw upon the healing powers of the natural and organic world around you. Arches are strong because they can also provide shelter. Their roots hold them strong and the columns of the bases kiss each other high above their origin as two things grow upwards and forwards together. 

When two people face each other and extend their arms to make an arch it forces each of them to stand up straight and lift up their shoulders slightly. Your arms have to go up and forward. Look at a friendship between two people. In order to form a strong arch together that helps both of you by making each stronger, you have to raise yourself up. That's the only way you can have that strength. Friendships that just keep you going or those that you don't really care too much about are never going to come together to form archways. Friendships that bring you down, tear at who you are and cast your gaze away, are the ones that will never form archways. They will never be strong. Why would you waste your time with something that not only hurts you but will continue to do so as the world turns and you grow on?A good friendship between two people, two columns, is made stronger when both reach out to one another as they both grow up and onward through time. Two arms on each side extended towards each other, lifted up and curved so as to fit together enough to be able to lean on the other completely. 

Examine your relationships and your views and stances. What do you see? Can you even see what's there? That's the first goal. Once you see what is right in front of you, you can make a choice to either do something about it or just sit back and let it happen. Are your friends or loved ones toxic for you? Do they make you a stronger person or do they drag you down time and time again? Those are the ones we want to get rid of, or at least step away from. And we can tell them why if they ask, I've been in this spot a few times and in the end the honesty was what held everything together. You have to protect yourself and look out for where you are going, yes we can help others but if we do not help ourselves we are of no value to anyone at all. The next time you go for a walk or the next time you are driving to work glance around you every now and then and see if you see any arches around you. Whether in the building or on the billboard or in the design of the car, see what you can find. Do you see arches in the world around you? Where? What are they? Can't find any? Take a deep breath, relax and let loose your mind. Take five minutes in the car or on your daily walk and don't think about anything else except what you are hearing and seeing around you. Most of us have to force ourselves to take a hard look because we are too stubborn and too busy to admit it on our own. Don't let yourself get so caught up; free your heart and mind. Try it today, take a look. While you're at it think about this, if a tunnel is nothing more than an archway extending into the distance then when we hit a roadblock do you think that the strongest arches we have will push us through instead of around our problems in life as they guide us forward in order to create a tunnel for us to pass through?

Springtime, Making Room For Fresh Growth

It's that time of year again, spring is here. It seems as if spring ended only a few weeks ago. Time flies as life goes on, I always heard but never believed that. Until I grew up. But it is now time to brush off the cobwebs, stand up, stretch your muscles and get back to life. As time changes it pushes us into longer days and warmer nights. Buds start to appear on the trees and slowly grow until flowering open a few weeks later. The street is lined with tall pines and eucalyptus trees and so many more types that I can't even name that over the last few weeks I've gotten to watch the trees come back to life and flower right before my very eyes. The sea of green is littered with flowers of every color, all gently waving in the wind. It's always so amazing to watch what seems like a dead tree slowly bring itself back to life and fill out with color.

It's the perfect time to evaluate yourself and where you're at and what you're doing. It must be something in the air, in the warm afternoon breeze that feels so good. The fresh smell lingering in the air is so refreshing. Everyone does spring cleaning of their closets and clothing, but what about our lives? Isn't that more important anyway? All of us have our dark corners filled with secrets, pain and memories. Everyone carries anxiety, doubt and fear with them, slowly letting it build up and shade your view of the world around you today. There is no need to carry all of that excess baggage with you through life. Those things that have hurt you in the past can now only hurt you if you give them permission. Clean out your closets and make room for something else. The more you allow to build up the more you weigh yourself down with unnecessary stress and worry. Don't let yourself be weighed down with this burden. You don't have to open up to someone else, but you have to at least be honest with yourself. We all owe that to ourselves.
I love springtime because everywhere you look it's like the whole world is fresh and clean. Like a breath of fresh air after the stale winter air you learn to grow accustomed to. Of course we aren't the only ones who get going when the warm weather moves in. The animal world starts to buzz and swarm, coming to life all around us. Whether it's the squirrels playing around the trees or the return of the opossum who used to visit every night we can find comfort in the living and thriving world around us. Nature is harsh and cruel and if the tiny clovers in the field next to the dam and the sprouting palm trees in the cracks of the sidewalk can thrive through such dangerous obstacles then we should be able to weather anything. After all, most of us have food to eat and somewhere to sleep, and if you're reading this then some electronic device of some kind. We are so lucky. There are so many people in the world who have no idea what a cell phone is or how one works. Remembering that, we can be grateful for the things we enjoy each and every day. It reminds me of the beetle I saw the other day when we were hiking. The sun was bright and warm and the ground held the heat well. In the path the beetle was digging away trying to either find something or make himself a nest. For a minute or two I just stood there and watched it, going at it like no one else was there. He was so determined, so driven. There was one task he had to do and he was doing just that. I almost envied him, the dedication to keep going through the heat and being tired. He was in danger though, as everything is in nature; except that his world was full of much more death and ways to accomplish such. He was working so hard like that because he knows that at any moment a bird can land right next to him, a dog run by and catch a glance, a rock might crumble and fall as it's crossing the dam or someone walking by could accidentally step on it without even knowing it were there. How depressing. But then again isn't the same true for us? There are an infinite number of things out there that can harm and kill us, we are pretty much always vulnerable to something. That's life. That's the world we live in. But to see it on such a scale made me pause. Looking down I saw how small that little beetle was; I saw how small his problem was compared to the expanse of trees and bushes in every direction. To him it looked so urgent, so consuming. In reality the world lived on a much grander scale. Looking down I felt like that little bug was all these things I've been stressing about and worrying over. I haven't been able to see the forest through the trees as it were. Letting go of all these little things that I have no control over and aren't worth my time anyway is the one thing that will free me enough to see the bigger picture and realize I am a lot more joyful than I first thought. After stopping my partner from stepping on it I headed out with him down the path, leaving my little friend to his worries and letting him slip from my mind. If only I could do that with everything else on my mind. That's the point though, to try and do just that. 

The other day my partner decided to take little Miss Stormborn on a walk just as I was leaving for work. I decided to take a few minutes and go with them. What better way to start off the day? Turning one of the corners he stopped and bent over to pick something up off the sidewalk. He showed me four of the smallest little flowers that had all fallen from the tree overhead. They were so small and delicate but also beautiful and wonderous. What's more, there were hundreds of them all over the sidewalk. As I was sitting in my truck getting ready to head out he leaned in the open window and placed the four of them on the dashboard for my drive. It made me grin so big. Driving to work, every time I looked down, I couldn't help but smile again. It served as a good reminder to me to not take things too seriously and to stop and take the time to not just smell but see the flowers. Something much easier said than done. Something I still need to be constantly reminded of. It worked, he made me smile and helped me start my day with hope and love and laughter instead of anxiety, dread or fear. The world is growing around us and we can build off of its growth ourselves if we take the time to just look. Growing means changing and changing means learning new ways to look at the world. Look at the world you have built around you. Do you like what you see? Are you thriving in your environment? Are you taking advantage of every opportunity available to you? Or do we all just kick it like a bug in a dirt pile and get so lost in the stress we create for ouselves that we lose sight of what's really real and beautiful, love and hope and courage and strength? Don't give up, keep going and pursue the path of joy. Well it's really more just the path in life that you choose lined with joy instead of hate. More than control over your life, you have control over yourself. So do something. Spring is here and the sun is shining. Time to grow. 

A Dam Hard Time

One of the hardest things to gain in life is perspective. Most of the control over how we view the world is our own, although there are other factors involved as well. Other influences that distort our reality and perception. These distractions are both a part of life and creatures of our own invention. When we get angry, anxious, upset, depressed and whatever else it's like we are putting on different colored sunglasses. Like the ones that make everything look blue, or the ones with the added red tinting. After wearing them for a while taking them off is a shock for a second because you see that reality is much different than the way you viewed it through shaded lenses. The dangerous part is when we are wearing glasses and can't even tell. This is often how it unfolds because when you have anger, depression or anxiety controlling how you look at the world it often blinds you to it's power by consuming your every thought. We have to remain strong and diligent. We have to be careful and stay constantly vigilant in our search for joy. Don't let emotions control your every move and every decision. For me this is one of the hardest things to do. But the first step is waking up and realizing when you aren't seeing straight. Then you can start to do something about it. On our hike today we went over and around the Sepulveda Dam here in the valley. I love the concrete architecture, the grand scale and the stark contrast between the massive structure and the sprawling meadow and grasslands. I went up right next to the dam and took a panoramic picture. When I saw it on my phone it stopped me for a second. The dam was there but the perspective had been warped, as if wrapped around an invisible sphere. As the picture stretched on it straightened out and became normal again. From my spot the perspective was warped, my spot. It reminded me how so often I let my feelings and emotions control me and how I react to situations. Without seeing it I cause my own anxiety and misery. I'm the only one who can change my perspective back to normal. What blinds you? What burdens and emotions control your feelings and direction? Face them, even if you can't find the perfect way to fight them yet the first step is to stop and realize just how skewed your vision has become. 

Making A List & Checking It Twice

I sat down this weekend and made a list of all of the things on my mind. I had so much going on and was so stressed out I could hardly think let alone attempt to write anything substantial. Start simple, write it out item by item and then go through and find a way to fix each thing. Then every worry will be taken care of and there will be no other choice left except to live life. So, let's go.
1. Work - Investigation

There's nothing I can do now. I told the truth and that is that. I did the right thing. Besides, sitting around now and worrying about it won't help or change anything. So I just have to keep going, at work and at home, and not think about it. No matter how hard it may be. I have to. It's the only way to save my sanity.
2. Work - Licensing

Two days down and only one day left. That first day the woman got a little stern with me, raising her voice to tell me not to interrupt her and when I apologized saying it again even louder. Oh my god, I was horrified. I couldn't believe it. For days afterward I was still upset about it, afraid she would write something about it in her report or mention it to the director above us. It's been driving me crazy. But the second day she was much calmer and nicer. I answered all her questions to her satisfaction. Whether it was what she wanted to hear or not I do not know. All I can do is relax tomorrow and make sure everything is in order in the charts for Tuesday. I've done all the work the way I was supposed and when I was supposed to and it's all filed in the charts. I just have to breathe and relax and keep a cool head. I can do that. The more I stress out now and worry the more likely I am going to be to screw up. Relax, breathe, forget about it and focus on what I'm doing right now.
3. Two Car Accidents
Well, what can I even say about this? The first small one that caused hardly any damage is pending as the owner said he was going to get a quote to fix it himself so we could just get it done. I am waiting to see how much that is going to cost now, dreading it more like it. I seriously can't afford anything over maybe a couple hundred dollars. What am I going to do? I don't have enough to pay off my credit card bills. The second one is going through the insurance and the only thing I have to worry about there is phone calls wanting details, having to get a quote on my truck and paying the deductible if I want (which I won't) and just waiting for the inevitable rise in insurance rates again. Because I didn't get a ticket or anything I don't see how it could get anything on my license but I guess I will see. Again, what am I going to do now anyway?
4. Bills & Credit Cards & Debt & Savings
Bills will get paid on time even if things are tight, they always are on time with no troubles except my own worry. I have help if I get myself into a desperate enough situation to warrant it. Credit cards will just have to take payment after payment of the minimum and sometimes a little more. It feels like I am never getting ahead but all I am going to do is keep paying and not using it and see what I can accomplish. My debt is there whether I want it or not and just like the credit cards they will get paid in time. I have some in my savings now, if I want more then I just need to cut back on other things and instead place that money in my savings account. It's all up to me to just do it if I want it done.
5. Health & Healthcare
I have two diseases but I am doing well,  I take my meds and I cope with things. I take it day by day. Sometimes even making it to the lab at Kaiser enough time before my doctor's appointment to get my blood results back is too much for me to take on. My partner sees that and he really steps up and helps me when I feel lost and confused and anxious. I have him to lean on to help me with this burden, it is not just mine to deal with on my own. I do also have my family who love and support me.
6. Learning to be myself in my relationship, and making us both happy
Stop thinking, just do it. The more you think about it the more you are going to screw it up.
7. Learning to be joyful when the world turns to ash
Isn't that why I am doing this? Making myself focus on the joyful and positive in life. Today I have just taken it literally moment by moment with the help of my partner through text messages. Without him to help me pace myself I would have been too overwhelmed to make it through more than a few hours. I wasn't going to fall apart, I'm not going to. I used the help I had and will have. He is my guardian angel.
I could feel everything brooding and swirling in the back of my mind all day but I had to just ignore it. Acknowledge that it is there, there is no point in wasting energy pretending something isn't there when it is. Then just push it back, put a blanket over it and watch it out of the corner of your eye. I forced myself to focus on exactly what I was doing and look, I made it through. After work we went on another two-and-a-half mile hike at the Sepulveda Dam Basin & Wildlife Refuge. I absolutely love it there, it's beautiful and it feels like you have left Los Angeles and have been transported to a beautiful sprawling forested area with lakes and wild flowers and bushes of every kind, each teeming with life. Walking along the ridge of the dam I was trying to get myself to stop being so stressed and upset. All of a sudden it hit me so hard I felt like an idiot. Just like I've said, joy means accepting the bad in life and working to focus on and spreading the good. That was what I needed to do; I had the answer the whole time. I began to think about each thing I was worried about and in my head I literally turned the image around and tried to see how I had been reacting negatively and how to look at it in another light. It can be hard, it always will be. That's how life is and there is nothing we can do about it. Just keep those reminders to stay joyful, to look at the silver linings and not to get lost in all the clutter and static. Do it for yourself, you'll thank yourself later.
So take everything that's troubling you and write it down, make a list. Do it right now, it shouldn't take too long. When you are done go back through the list item by item and think about why these things are bothering you and how you are causing your own misery by giving yourself nothing but the negative to live with. Look at each worry on that list and think about the good that is there as well or how you can't change it but you can cause it to go better by choosing to respond with a positive attitude and a willingness to learn and grow. Make your list, check it twice; if you can't find a positive way to deal with anything on that list ask for some help, some ideas. We are all in this together. 

Seeing The Joy Through The Mud

This week I haven't really written as much; as I have mentioned before there is a lot going on at work - a lot more than normal. My partner is out of town; it's just me and little Miss Stormborn. There's the harassment investigation that it still out at work, it's been over two weeks now. A slow tedious two weeks it has been. I just want it all to be over with so that I can move on and just forget about it. I've learned what I needed to and now I can move on. Part of being joyful is being able to let go of the negative influences in our lives. It has been extremely hard this week and I have spent most of the week pulled down as if through mud, getting even more slippery as time goes by. I felt stuck to the ground and I didn't even want to try to get up again. I just wanted to lie there, too tired to care. No matter how hard I tried or attempting forcing my thoughts on happy things I couldn't shake it. I wasn't eating hardly anything at all. I only got a few hours of sleep each night, and that sleep was riddled with nightmares and dark ominous thoughts. I had bags under my eyes and people around me could tell there was something going on. Of course I always said that I was fine, nothing was happening, but in reality I felt like I had gone back to being eighteen when I was first diagnosed with bi-polar and when all hell broke loose in every single aspect of my life. That was the feeling I hated the most, like I was having to relive the most horrific times of my life and that they could be returning. I don't know how, it has taken all week, but I am much closer to being able to push forward than I have been. Not having someone here to help me, listen to me, keep me on track, tell me what to do, hold my hand, do certain things for me and on and on, it was really hard on me. I started to finally realize just how hard my partner's life really is. He has given up so much for me and sacrificed even more, but he tells me every day that he doesn't care because he loves me. He does so much for me and takes care of me in every way. Without him I would be stuck back where I was before, not able to understand or do anything in life. I would like to think that I could survive without him, I mean I am sure I could learn how to cope somehow if I must, but I know that I wouldn't be able to function. People like me need people like him. We finish each other's thoughts and sentences for a reason, we lean on one another enough to make us actually one person. I do feel guilty most of the time, but I also know that because of all he does and keeps doing I am able to do the things I am able to. I can be stable, I can hold down a job, I can pay the bills, I can make phone calls, I can go shopping, I can get groceries, I can cook, I can even clean up the apartment. All of that because he knows how to help me be me when I don't know and can't see how. With him being gone this week it has really opened my eyes. I have been so down and dragging and missed him so much, but what I seemed to forget was that love is not bound by time or space. The amount that he loves me here is the same that he loves me when he's standing in New York and I in Paris. That love has to be held on to and cherished. All kinds of love, this just happens to be the guiding love and stabling element of my life. I have been carrying my stone heart and wearing the infinity and friendship bracelets all week long, never taking them off and putting it down only to shower. It helped me a lot today actually. The point is I let go of the one thing that keeps me strong. He can't help me from afar if I am not willing and able to receive his guidance. It is hard on my own, most of the time I feel incapable, but all it takes is a reach out and he will be there to grab my hand. Treasure those who love you, who save you and who carry you. Without their love we would be nowhere. All we have is each other in this life and on this earth. Make the best of it, get all the joy that you possibly can out of it. Be thankful for the people who come along for the journey and be happy for the ones who tested you and gave you the opportunity to grow. We wouldn't be who we are today without the interactions with others that we have had in our past. Become a positive force and cause your interactions to result in positive growth and change. That part of life is under our control.
This week I was reminded about the harshness of life. I was challenged and tested and did only so-so.   Have I learned anything? Yes, one more step than I knew last time. I may not know my way yet but as I go I will pave it step by step with the confidence, love and joy that are in my heart. Thank you to my loving partner who has given up so much to help me lead a better life. Thank you to all the loving people out there who make sacrifices everyday for those you love, especially those suffering from a mental illness. It can be a terrifyingly hard thing to cope with, but with love and support anything can be overcome. When times get down, which they will, focus on the good, keep on pushing and look to those around you that love you and who will lift you up instead of tear you down. What keeps you going and how? Tell them how much you appreciate them. Like me, with out infinity bracelets and me just loving the idea and concept of it, the infinity sign has become a little representation of our love. When I see it in nature I stop, laugh and smile because I am reminded of the universality of the symbol of never-endedness. I started telling him that I loved him infinity, but that didn't roll off the tongue quite right. What did I do? "I love you to infinity & beyond!" Be silly, be goofy, have fun and focus on the joyful part of life. Be strong.

Love is Special, All Kinds of Love - PART II

The other day I reflected on love and the power it has to drive and motivate us. It is all around us and embedded in every action and intention. Love takes varying forms, shapes and sizes but always has one thing in common - when you love someone you think about them and their needs before your own. Love for your best friend won't be the same as the love for your husband, but they are both evolving and organic forms of love and compassion. When we interact with others we have the opportunity to pass that love along and spread joy through a chain reaction started by one simple act. The chain reactions we cause are infinite, but it is up to us whether we cause a positive or negative reaction. Whether they help or harm the world around us. Most of the time not acting causes just as much of a reaction. Just another reason to make a decision now, because in the end it won't be up to you. 
When you think of all the interactions you have throughout the day it becomes overwhelming. So many changes in the world, however minute. We find joy through the positive interactions. This means that other people can influence whether or not we are placed in joyful or potentially disheartening situations. As well though we must face responsibility. We are in control of most of our lives and decisions which means that with practice we should be able to make at least most of our lives joyful. By practicing small routines or carrying little tokens we can remind ourselves of the things that give us joy so that when we are faced with another decision there will be that positive energy behind you. What's even better than creating a life of joy for yourself is to be with someone who helps keep you up as well as encourages you to focus on the things you hold dear. That is where all those different forms of love come into play. The bonds that tie us together in order to lift us up. When we find these we must hold on to them for dear life because they are the bonds that keep us floating in deep waters. 
A token can be anything that brings a joyful memory back, anything that represents love. These tokens can be much stronger than you think and give a lot more strength than you can imagine to the carrier. When I first met my partner I was with someone else and slowly but suddenly fell for him and wanted nothing more than to be whisked away by a real life prince. He slowed things down though. First we were friends, then when it happened a few months later it was something more. After that I left my ex and we started our real relationship. For a long while he wasn't even my boyfriend, not until he felt like it was the right time. Eventually we became partners and hopefully someday soon I will get the pleasure of calling him my husband. At the time it drove me crazy how slow he wanted to go but in the end I now thank  him for making it meaningful, special and lasting. By building our friendship first we built the foundation that has kept us not only together but strong together. That gift is invaluable. Anyway, I remember the first night we met and the feelings I had when he left to go home. I remember the next  night too, because we had to see each other again the very next day. After he came to pick me up and we went out to his car he gave me this little silver box. He told me that when he met me yesterday it reminded him of me. It's a beautiful metal box that will last forever, well almost. Better than being a gift from someone I already knew I liked, I love small boxes and things like that to store things in. Silly, but it's me. I of course still have it next to the bed and keep only the most special of things in it. Every time I look at it or open it up I think of him and I remember that feeling sitting in the car when he first gave it to me. After a few weeks he gave me a sterling silver two piece puzzle ring that read "Only Love You" on the outside and when you lifted it apart, "Stay With Me" on the inside. It was also a pinky ring, we each had one on our pinky. It was a pinky ring for a pinky promise he told me. You better bet I still have that ring in a very safe place, I'm pretty sure the silver box. But things like that are the things that really have meaning and can help us stay strong and courageous through times of darkness. 
At the Natural History Museum last night I found a blue woven friendship bracelet that was misplaced. I looked through the whole store trying to find another so I could get two. I never found another and forgot about it after a few minutes. I did sneak and buy two little stone hearts and two color banded bracelets, each with a metal infinity sign. Small, not so expensive, gifts that once given increase their value exponentially. Today, away on his trip, he took the blue heart, blue is my favorite color, and his green infinity band. I wore my blue infinity band and carried my little red stone heart today. It's been nice to have something small and smooth to play with in my hand when I get nervous or anxious. My infinity bracelet never comes off, just as infinity never ends. When we got back into the car to drive home after the museum last night he handed me the map and brochures after we got into the truck. I was about to toss them in the back when he told me to stop, that it was for me. Slowly I opened the booklet and out fell the blue friendship band. On the card it said that this lucky bracelet must have a wished placed upon it as the giver ties it to their friends wrist. As time passes and the bracelet wears, it will fall off and according to legend that wish made will come true. After we got home he tied it on my wrist, and it isn't coming off as to keep true to the tradition of the friendship bracelet. I won't say what I wished, but it was something big and important to me. That's why this bracelet means so much to me. It's why I keep it on and why it gives me strength and joy. Little things can mean a lot, big things can mean a lot. Obviously the meaning comes from the significance it has to you. Don't be afraid to feel, we are humans and we were made with human logic and human emotion. Keep tokens you encounter in life, find some and make them tokens. Give something value and meaning so that it may return the favor to you. Love comes in all shapes and forms as does hope and inspiration. If you feel hopeless then look at the love and loved ones around you and draw from them. If you are blinded by situation and feel lost, look inward and make your own tokens from which to draw strength. You have the power and tools and potential inside yourself, all you have to do is draw on it in your time of need. I challenge you, take some time and find a new small token to carry that will help inspire you and encourage you to do the right thing. You can pick anything, it's all up to you. It's all about you. 

Crumbling Walls, Sturdy Foundation

This week has been a particularly rough one for me. We've all been on eggshells this week awaiting the result of the investigation taking place at work. Yesterday Orbitz called to tell me that my flights to Tennessee and back in April were messed up due to changes in times and schedules. At the end of the day they ended up beginning the process of giving me a complete refund and leaving me ticketless. On top of everything else my partner is leaving tomorrow to go out of town for a week. I don't handle separation or goodbyes well at all. I get paranoid and anxious. Everything that could possibly go wrong runs through my head over and over on repeat. I can never concentrate long enough to really get anything accomplished. I'm not sure which is worse though, the week before or the week of. Yes it's no fun being alone but I have my little Miss Stormborn to keep me busy and preoccupied. I miss him yea but counting down until his return home is what keeps me going because it gives me something concrete to hold on to. The calls, texts and voice message help too. The point is, it's not as terribly hard as I think it's going to be. It's no walk through the clouds but it's manageable. The week before, this week for me, I spend building anticipation and anxiety. I'm so afraid of the idea of what is happening, I don't want to be alone. Even little Dany gets anxious and upset for about a week before. I think she can sense it somehow and I swear our emotions and moods are tied together. The idea I build up in my mind of what I think is going to happen is so exaggerated and unproportional. In the end he is still going, being anxious isn't going to stop it from happening. Of course it's much easier to preach than to practice. I know what I have to do but getting it done is a whole other thing. I am getting better though, I'm much better now than I was three years ago. I still have room for improvement. I kept telling myself, stop - you're creating your own nightmares! If only I would listen to myself. 

This week hasn't been all that bad but it's been stressful and ridden with anxiety. Getting closer to the date, tomorrow, my level of chaos that I seem to carry in my chest is building and building. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. Of course I remind myself it's all in my head and I force my chest to rise and fall again as I push on in a life and world that stop for no one. I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to think negative and turn it around. The hard part is catching yourself because the negative comes naturally. Just try. So often we feel like crumbling walls, falling and unable to hold anything up. When we let the negativity around us take over our thinking we allow it to come in and put little cracks in our walls. As time passes the cracks combine and add up until there's nothing left except exposed wood and we feel as if we are breaking into nothing. When we take time to get rid of that negativity and turn it around those cracks start to get filled in. It is still fragile though, it takes time, patience and practice. The key is to make sure that you have a strong foundation. With that, no matter how much you fall, there will always be something standing to hold you up. Make a conscious decision to be joyful, to start acknowledging the negative but instead choosing to focus on the positive. We all want the best for ourselves, all it takes is action. Having made the decision to focus on being joyful I am having an easier time picking myself back up when I start to crumble and keep going like nothing happened. Yes I still get cracks, but my foundation and resolve are there and stronger than ever. I may crumble on the outside but I have my heart to put me back together again. 

My foundation is also built strong by the support I have from my loving partner. Without him I would have a very difficult time, we connect on so many different wavelengths that I can't believe in coincidence anymore. When he goes it feels like the rug is being ripped from underneath me, but I must remind myself that the foundation he helped build and is a part of is still here. His love isn't going anywhere, just his physical body for a short time. Even when I feel myself crumbling this week I can be reassured knowing that my foundation will still be there. My biggest fear every time he goes is that something terrible is going to happen and for some reason I'm not going to get to see or hold him again. The fear is debilatating and seems to take control of my thoughts and actions whenever it gets the chance. I have to find ways to distract myself because nothing I do will change my worrying and paranoia. We have our own routines and traditions now when one of us goes on a trip. This time, because I couldn't shake the anxiety, I picked up a couple things when we were at the Natural History Museum this evening. Just small things, silly even. I got a little blue stone heart for him and a red one for me, so we can each carry the other's heart with us this week. Yes we have our rings and other things but this is just something small and cute between us that will make the week a little easier. I also got ankle/wrist bands for us in our favorite colors. Weaved into each is a silver metal infinity sign. So this week when we get lonely we can be reminded not just that we are loved but that our love is timeless and forgiving. Small cheap, but meaningful, gestures of love and hope that help make the difficult days a little easier. Find a little something for you, or you and your best friend or loved one. When you see that silly charm bracelet get one for you and your friend. You'll have something to laugh and smile about, something to feed you that joy. When you feel like your wall is starting to crumble remember all you need is a strong foundation to keep you standing, and it's never too late to start building one. By surrounding ourselves with joy and positivity we help build up our own foundation and base. Be strong, or make yourself stronger, the choice is yours. A strong foundation is the key to a strong sense of joy. I challenge you, find something small and silly that reminds you of someone or something you love and carry it with you this week. When you see it remind yourself why it means so much to you, sometimes it just takes some recognition to get to the joy we have within ourselves.