Crumbling Walls, Sturdy Foundation

This week has been a particularly rough one for me. We've all been on eggshells this week awaiting the result of the investigation taking place at work. Yesterday Orbitz called to tell me that my flights to Tennessee and back in April were messed up due to changes in times and schedules. At the end of the day they ended up beginning the process of giving me a complete refund and leaving me ticketless. On top of everything else my partner is leaving tomorrow to go out of town for a week. I don't handle separation or goodbyes well at all. I get paranoid and anxious. Everything that could possibly go wrong runs through my head over and over on repeat. I can never concentrate long enough to really get anything accomplished. I'm not sure which is worse though, the week before or the week of. Yes it's no fun being alone but I have my little Miss Stormborn to keep me busy and preoccupied. I miss him yea but counting down until his return home is what keeps me going because it gives me something concrete to hold on to. The calls, texts and voice message help too. The point is, it's not as terribly hard as I think it's going to be. It's no walk through the clouds but it's manageable. The week before, this week for me, I spend building anticipation and anxiety. I'm so afraid of the idea of what is happening, I don't want to be alone. Even little Dany gets anxious and upset for about a week before. I think she can sense it somehow and I swear our emotions and moods are tied together. The idea I build up in my mind of what I think is going to happen is so exaggerated and unproportional. In the end he is still going, being anxious isn't going to stop it from happening. Of course it's much easier to preach than to practice. I know what I have to do but getting it done is a whole other thing. I am getting better though, I'm much better now than I was three years ago. I still have room for improvement. I kept telling myself, stop - you're creating your own nightmares! If only I would listen to myself. 

This week hasn't been all that bad but it's been stressful and ridden with anxiety. Getting closer to the date, tomorrow, my level of chaos that I seem to carry in my chest is building and building. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. Of course I remind myself it's all in my head and I force my chest to rise and fall again as I push on in a life and world that stop for no one. I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to think negative and turn it around. The hard part is catching yourself because the negative comes naturally. Just try. So often we feel like crumbling walls, falling and unable to hold anything up. When we let the negativity around us take over our thinking we allow it to come in and put little cracks in our walls. As time passes the cracks combine and add up until there's nothing left except exposed wood and we feel as if we are breaking into nothing. When we take time to get rid of that negativity and turn it around those cracks start to get filled in. It is still fragile though, it takes time, patience and practice. The key is to make sure that you have a strong foundation. With that, no matter how much you fall, there will always be something standing to hold you up. Make a conscious decision to be joyful, to start acknowledging the negative but instead choosing to focus on the positive. We all want the best for ourselves, all it takes is action. Having made the decision to focus on being joyful I am having an easier time picking myself back up when I start to crumble and keep going like nothing happened. Yes I still get cracks, but my foundation and resolve are there and stronger than ever. I may crumble on the outside but I have my heart to put me back together again. 

My foundation is also built strong by the support I have from my loving partner. Without him I would have a very difficult time, we connect on so many different wavelengths that I can't believe in coincidence anymore. When he goes it feels like the rug is being ripped from underneath me, but I must remind myself that the foundation he helped build and is a part of is still here. His love isn't going anywhere, just his physical body for a short time. Even when I feel myself crumbling this week I can be reassured knowing that my foundation will still be there. My biggest fear every time he goes is that something terrible is going to happen and for some reason I'm not going to get to see or hold him again. The fear is debilatating and seems to take control of my thoughts and actions whenever it gets the chance. I have to find ways to distract myself because nothing I do will change my worrying and paranoia. We have our own routines and traditions now when one of us goes on a trip. This time, because I couldn't shake the anxiety, I picked up a couple things when we were at the Natural History Museum this evening. Just small things, silly even. I got a little blue stone heart for him and a red one for me, so we can each carry the other's heart with us this week. Yes we have our rings and other things but this is just something small and cute between us that will make the week a little easier. I also got ankle/wrist bands for us in our favorite colors. Weaved into each is a silver metal infinity sign. So this week when we get lonely we can be reminded not just that we are loved but that our love is timeless and forgiving. Small cheap, but meaningful, gestures of love and hope that help make the difficult days a little easier. Find a little something for you, or you and your best friend or loved one. When you see that silly charm bracelet get one for you and your friend. You'll have something to laugh and smile about, something to feed you that joy. When you feel like your wall is starting to crumble remember all you need is a strong foundation to keep you standing, and it's never too late to start building one. By surrounding ourselves with joy and positivity we help build up our own foundation and base. Be strong, or make yourself stronger, the choice is yours. A strong foundation is the key to a strong sense of joy. I challenge you, find something small and silly that reminds you of someone or something you love and carry it with you this week. When you see it remind yourself why it means so much to you, sometimes it just takes some recognition to get to the joy we have within ourselves.