Catching me off guard is like triggering pent up lava and just watching for the explosion, whether outwards or inwards. It's the one thing I would change about myself if I could. I am learning to control stress in my day to day life and I am doing much better now than I was ten years ago. My weakness, that I am at least aware of, is when I get surprised. I don't deal well at all. At work I am mostly under control but there are times when things spring up or something doesn't go the way it was supposed to and I pretty much freak out. It's not as bad as it is at home, but I tend to start talking really fast and really loud as I get more excited. The worst part is that I don't even notice when I'm doing it. People think I am responding with anger when I am only trying to talk or answer a question, but since I am pumped up with adrenaline I don't realize how I talk. Afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I feel terrible. Terrible. It bothers me for days and I hate it. That's not me. I don't want people to think it is. I also don't want to jeopardize a job I love because I don't realize how worked up I can get.
At home it is even worse. Sometimes there's not even a reason for my explosions. Sometimes there's a trigger and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I hate not being able to always control myself. I hate the way I talk to my partner, especially when he is trying to go out of his way to take care of me and look out for me. I don't deserve the way he cares for me. But I also know that without him I would not be able to survive. I would not be able to cope. People like me need people like him. But I also have to learn to treat the people I love, who are taking their time to care for me, with more kindness. I hope he knows I don't mean it, I never do. I have to work though to constantly show him that I am not that person and that I am able to change. Not just for me, but for him and us.
Even small things in life that pop up, like having to schedule a doctor's appointment or making a call to the insurance company, are overwhelming. The smallest things make me stress and overreact. I get overwhelmed and I can't handle it. The surprise and shock are too much for me. It flips my switch. Without my partner I wouldn't be able to do things like going to the store, paying bills, picking up medicine and on and on. Even going to a doctor's appointment is most of the time enough to get me going. The point is, I don't handle it well right now and it's not healthy. It's not good for me. It makes me miserable and unhappy. The only thing I know to do is practice and work at it with the people who support me. I don't know what else there is. I have to learn how to handle this better, and I have to hold on to that tightly.
Slowly I am improving and getting better. Last night I was at the pharmacy and my credit card was acting up and there was a long line and I was frustrated. When I went back outside to use my phone my partner came with me. I could feel the fumes boiling underneath but I held it down. I could feel the part of me that wanted to snap or be angry or say something mean because I was so frustrated and felt like I couldn't handle all these changes and sudden occurrences. Instead I talked to my partner with a calm even tone and explained to him what happened and what I was doing. It was hard swallowing it down and keeping it there but afterwards I felt so much better. I didn't have that horrific guilt of treating my soul mate and best friend with contempt and annoyance. I never want to feel that again, and I don't want him to either. It was a small silly step, but to me it was a major victory that showed me that I could do it. It will be hard and take hard work but I can do it. That's all I need, to know I can get there. Of course I'll have my support and my best friend to help carry me when I need it. It's a battle, but one I have to fight to keep my sanity and joy. A fight I cannot back down from anymore.
Life is like stairs , they are always going to curve around a bend or corner to continue on into shadow, into the unknown. Even when the horizon is straight ahead with nothing but open fields around us the road still disappears into the distance. Because of that unknown we have to always be prepared for the stairs to suddenly turn left or right or up or down as soon as we turn around the looming corner. Or it could keep going smoothly. The point is we can't know. Moreso there are potholes and bumps in the road that we don't see until we have fallen victim to them. How we respond to those inevitable accidents decides how much joy we allow in our lives. It's up to us how we weather this tough and surprising road, this precarious journey. Grab life by the horns and demand the joy you want and deserve. Be ready for the twists and turns in life, that's when you're joy is tested the most. Stay strong, stay committed, stay joyful.
No comments:
Post a Comment