This week I haven't really written as much; as I have mentioned before there is a lot going on at work - a lot more than normal. My partner is out of town; it's just me and little Miss Stormborn. There's the harassment investigation that it still out at work, it's been over two weeks now. A slow tedious two weeks it has been. I just want it all to be over with so that I can move on and just forget about it. I've learned what I needed to and now I can move on. Part of being joyful is being able to let go of the negative influences in our lives. It has been extremely hard this week and I have spent most of the week pulled down as if through mud, getting even more slippery as time goes by. I felt stuck to the ground and I didn't even want to try to get up again. I just wanted to lie there, too tired to care. No matter how hard I tried or attempting forcing my thoughts on happy things I couldn't shake it. I wasn't eating hardly anything at all. I only got a few hours of sleep each night, and that sleep was riddled with nightmares and dark ominous thoughts. I had bags under my eyes and people around me could tell there was something going on. Of course I always said that I was fine, nothing was happening, but in reality I felt like I had gone back to being eighteen when I was first diagnosed with bi-polar and when all hell broke loose in every single aspect of my life. That was the feeling I hated the most, like I was having to relive the most horrific times of my life and that they could be returning. I don't know how, it has taken all week, but I am much closer to being able to push forward than I have been. Not having someone here to help me, listen to me, keep me on track, tell me what to do, hold my hand, do certain things for me and on and on, it was really hard on me. I started to finally realize just how hard my partner's life really is. He has given up so much for me and sacrificed even more, but he tells me every day that he doesn't care because he loves me. He does so much for me and takes care of me in every way. Without him I would be stuck back where I was before, not able to understand or do anything in life. I would like to think that I could survive without him, I mean I am sure I could learn how to cope somehow if I must, but I know that I wouldn't be able to function. People like me need people like him. We finish each other's thoughts and sentences for a reason, we lean on one another enough to make us actually one person. I do feel guilty most of the time, but I also know that because of all he does and keeps doing I am able to do the things I am able to. I can be stable, I can hold down a job, I can pay the bills, I can make phone calls, I can go shopping, I can get groceries, I can cook, I can even clean up the apartment. All of that because he knows how to help me be me when I don't know and can't see how. With him being gone this week it has really opened my eyes. I have been so down and dragging and missed him so much, but what I seemed to forget was that love is not bound by time or space. The amount that he loves me here is the same that he loves me when he's standing in New York and I in Paris. That love has to be held on to and cherished. All kinds of love, this just happens to be the guiding love and stabling element of my life. I have been carrying my stone heart and wearing the infinity and friendship bracelets all week long, never taking them off and putting it down only to shower. It helped me a lot today actually. The point is I let go of the one thing that keeps me strong. He can't help me from afar if I am not willing and able to receive his guidance. It is hard on my own, most of the time I feel incapable, but all it takes is a reach out and he will be there to grab my hand. Treasure those who love you, who save you and who carry you. Without their love we would be nowhere. All we have is each other in this life and on this earth. Make the best of it, get all the joy that you possibly can out of it. Be thankful for the people who come along for the journey and be happy for the ones who tested you and gave you the opportunity to grow. We wouldn't be who we are today without the interactions with others that we have had in our past. Become a positive force and cause your interactions to result in positive growth and change. That part of life is under our control.
This week I was reminded about the harshness of life. I was challenged and tested and did only so-so. Have I learned anything? Yes, one more step than I knew last time. I may not know my way yet but as I go I will pave it step by step with the confidence, love and joy that are in my heart. Thank you to my loving partner who has given up so much to help me lead a better life. Thank you to all the loving people out there who make sacrifices everyday for those you love, especially those suffering from a mental illness. It can be a terrifyingly hard thing to cope with, but with love and support anything can be overcome. When times get down, which they will, focus on the good, keep on pushing and look to those around you that love you and who will lift you up instead of tear you down. What keeps you going and how? Tell them how much you appreciate them. Like me, with out infinity bracelets and me just loving the idea and concept of it, the infinity sign has become a little representation of our love. When I see it in nature I stop, laugh and smile because I am reminded of the universality of the symbol of never-endedness. I started telling him that I loved him infinity, but that didn't roll off the tongue quite right. What did I do? "I love you to infinity & beyond!" Be silly, be goofy, have fun and focus on the joyful part of life. Be strong.
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