My Heart On My Sleeve - Tattoo #6 & The Most Defining Of All, Who I Will Always Be

My next tattoo was really like my first tattoo because it was my first "real" big one that was more than just black words. And this one took three hours too instead of twenty minutes. I remember going to get it late one afternoon on an off day like Sunday or something. There aren't a lot of people in the shop and the guy who did my tattoo was a cool young guy with a shaved head and black-plastic rimmed glasses. I had brought in my actual Anatomy & Physiology textbook from my Nursing School days at the University of Tennessee. I opened to the Cardiac System Introduction and showed him the detailed & enlarged drawing of the human heart with every muscle and vesicles and vein and connective tissue. From that alone he got to work on my arm. No drawing it up beforehand, it really would have been too hard to draw it up that detailed and it wouldn't have been organic on my arm either. I was really happy how he did it. He was truly one of the greatest tattoo artists I have ever witnessed. He freestyled that heart perfectly onto my arm. Perfectly. He tweaked in minute ways a couple of things but they were so slight and he did it in amazing ways. Like where I had a mole or birthmark he would turn it into a little defect of the heart or a part of one of the arteries or veins. It is truly unique to me. 

Around the outside, going all the way around my arm, is a ring of thorns. Thorns holding my heart right there on my sleeve as if it had literally been ripped out and strapped to my upper arm with the thorny branches of the rose. Perfectly me, what more could I ask for? I felt like this was me in every way, in the truest way. Like this was my soul-tattoo, or spirit-tattoo, like the one that was always chosen and destined for me. Although the back part of the ring of thorns, across the back of my upper arm, hurt more than any other tattoo I have ever gotten. Something about the nerves in that spot, but I teared up bad uncontrollably for the ten or so minutes he was finishing that part. I was glad to get that part done. 

Even the colors are shaded to match the flow of blood and oxygenation, and you can see all the matching parts and muscles. By now the color has faded a little but I kind of like it. It has that worn look almost, like it's a part of me, but to me that makes it all the more perfect. When people ask me about my favorite tattoo or why I get them or really anything at all the first thing my mind goes to is this single tattoo. It's the one. The one that means the most to me, because to me it just is me. I wear my heart on my sleeve in every aspect: I'm honest to a fault, I put my everything into all I do, I always speak my mind and stand up for my beliefs and I open myself up to vulnerability and real pain and growth. This is me and it always will be. Everyone will know it too, but again that's just part of why it is what it is. This one means the most, this one is the most me. To me it was almost as if I were taking that painful sensation you get in your chest when you feel like you've been hurt because you're too vulnerable or exposed and giving it an actual face, a place to be. A reminder and a reservoir for the oncoming pain and heartache that will always come. I wanted, and got, a reminder of that heartache and that at every moment it was already on its way for more and I had better just always be ready. That's ok though, that's who I am; who I always will be.  ☠❤️💔

Tattoos #4 & #5 - Honor & Truth

For tattoo's #4 & #5 I decided to finish out the balance completely and get two more words, one on the top of each wrist to match the ones already on the bottom. So far I had "Love" & "Joy," what would work with those? I remember debating for a while, going back and forth. Trying to find that meaning, those special words that just spoke to me. One word I kept coming back to, "Honor." Something about the word, I just love how it sounds. I love how old the word is, the meaning and history behind it. When I think of "Honor" I think of Knights and Kings and the ability to truly have power to your name. A title conveys so much, more than only a label. To be called honorable is to convey so much more than just who you are but what you stand for. A man, or woman for that matter, of honor stands for truth, courage and what is right above any and all else. 

I wanted something for me, something to remind me of justice and what is right. Something to aim for in this life, a goal worthy of achieveing. What can be more fulfilling, for yourself and those around you, then living a life of honor? Honor is a term that isn't used much anymore; the values of integrity, honor and truth have gone by the wayside in the not so distant past. In a world that moves so quickly it is easier to focus only on yourself and your own needs. What makes you better than this world, being able to take a step above it, is putting others before yourself. We only have one life to live and one set of choices we can make. Living with honor means living according to what is right and not just what is easiest or more beneficial. It means to have respect for someone, and it is considered a privilege.

I wanted to be reminded to live a life not just for myself, but for what was right. For what was worth standing up for. If I only have one shot at this I want to make sure that it's worth it and that I truly can make a difference and show others that they can do so as well. It is a privilege to do the right thing, not an obligation. I have one legacy I leave behind and I won't let it be one of fear, cowardice, selfishness, guilt or having to finish at all costs. It's not about the end of the race, but how you run it. 

What do "Honor" & "Truth" have in common? Integrity, that was the link connecting the ideas I had in my head. I needed those reminders to act with integrity, the integrity I knew I had, even when faced with impossibly frustrating situations. I wanted a chivalrous token to remind me of the man I needed to be. Truth was acting with integrity as well, more so speaking with integrity. It is a hard thing to always tell the truth because the meaning and implication of truth are far reaching and never ending. We can not come back from the truth once we have been exposed and yet we can not really live at all if don't live in the truth. There is the truth we tell, there is the truth we believe and there is the truth we live. All three are consequentially one in the same, just unique to each of us. Finding this truth about ourselves is something that for most takes a lifetime, but if we are lucky we can find glimpses along the way of life. Holding onto those flashes of ourselves give us a glimpse of the true us and the true self we are striving to find and hold on to. I chose "Truth" to remind me of the inner Jeremy, the true me that would always be there. That's the self I couldn't lose, couldn't really betray or hurt. I put "Truth" on my right wrist opposite "Joy," to remind me that the Joy I seek everyday to keep me going is based on my true self and the only way to share that joy with the world around me is to use my true self. "Honor" went right where is belonged, opposite "Love" on the left wrist. Where else does love belong besides with honor I asked myslef? Honor is the defense of love pure and simple. I knew the things I wanted to be reminded of and I knew their importance. It more than felt right. I remember having them done by a good friend who was leaving town, before he left he did them both at the same time in his apartment where he had made a big clean space and sterilized all his tools. It was an awesome experience I will never forget, and finally having my wrists complete felt freaking great. 5 down - who knows how many more to go! 

Tattoo #3 - Strength

My third tattoo came more from necessity than me just wanting to express myself. I've never been the most confident person in the world and I worry about everyone and everything. Even when I am rock solid I can't see it because I am blinded by my self doubt and fear. I know that I can make it through or get it done, as I have demonstrated time after time, but my mind is what plays tricks on me. It stops me from moving forward, keeping me running in circles. I needed something to remind me of the strength and courage I already knew I had but would never let myself realize. Deciding on the word "Strength" after that was the only logical next step. But where? I had already balanced out my inner wrists; where would it really mean something? Before deciding, I remember thinking about how I wanted this tattoo to remind me that I have a backbone, strength. How I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. In my head I pictured it as me standing, hunched forward and shoulders slouched. My head bowed as I hang limp and lifeless from a single wire attached the the center of my upper back, like how a marionette is controlled by someone else's nimble movements. I imagined the string slowly being pulled up as if by God to bring my shoulders up and force my back straight and my chest out. Then I realized that I was God in that scenario. I was the one who could pull myself back up again. After that I knew where it was going to go, and there wouldn't be any need for balancing it out either. I got "Strength" in Old English font on the center of my upper back - right where that wire was attached. Right where I pulled myself up and reminded myself I already had a backbone. 

This is the one tattoo I don't really get to see very often because it's on my back and there are times I forget it's there. Now though, I have taken to looking at it in the mirror everytime I get out of the shower so as to remind myself of its presence. To always remind myself of the strength I still try to convince myself I don't have. It's funny though because everytime I picture or think about that tattoo I stand up and straighten my back without even realizing it. So it must have worked right? It's always important to have things to remind us that we are strong, because too often it is easy to forget. Don't forget your own strength; do something, even if it's just writing "Strength" on a post-it that you will see every day. Don't let yourself forget that you can make it, you can do it - even when you think you can't, you can. 

Tattoo #2 - Joy

After getting my first tattoo it wasn't long before I was itching for my second, and I needed to balance things out by getting one on the same spot on the other wrist. I thought for a while and I was having trouble coming up with what I wanted. Or more so, what I needed to be reminded of daily when I looked down at my wrist. We all want to be happy in life, we want that meaning and peace that come with understanding and acceptance. Happiness is not constant though, life is full of ups and downs. There will never be a time when things are going completely right. After having gone through some really rough times and trying to stay afloat by forcing myself onward, I knew that I needed something to not just inspire me but to give me the hope I needed as well. I couldn't get the word "Happiness" or "Smile" because I knew that there were going to be many times that I wouldn't feel happy and wouldn't want to smile. Those are the times the tattoo was really for anyway. I needed something realistic, something actually attainable but also a goal I would always be working towards. Then it came to me after hearing someone talk about the word "Joy." They described it as something different from happiness because you can't be happy all the time. You can be joyful all the time though. There will always be those dark negative times in our life, that is inevitable. With Joy though you don't hide or run from the storm, you face it head on because you know how to weather it. You have to find those things in life that bring you joy and you have to hold on the them, especially when things don't look so good. Those things are what will get you through to see another day. It's like having an umbrella with you when you for for a long walk. At first it may be nice and sunny, but when that rain comes out you'll need something to protect you. Your joy, your umbrella of hope, is what will bring you to the other side. Sure it will still be hard, you're shoes and pants will probably get soaked wading through rain puddles, but you will make it. Better yet, you will make it through strong and as yourself. When you have that joy to hold on to the hard times stop being so hard. Those joyful things bring you joy and hope not just in hard times, but all the time. They help give meaning to our short lives. 

So I decided to get "Joy," on my right wrist to go along with the "Love" on my left. Every time I look down and see it there I remember to look at things a little differently. Instead of focusing on the things that are going wrong I focus on the things that bring me Joy and motivate me. It reminds me that if I am looking at and reading that tattoo at any given moment then I have something to be joyful for and grateful about because I am breathing and reading. Things can't be that bad when you look at it like that. This blog stemmed from this tattoo that I got back in college. I started because I wanted to help myself find my joy and focus on holding on to it and using it for my strength. Now it has become a never-ending journey that I share with you. I hope maybe to help others see or find their joy, or even to just help comfort someone in a trying time. I want to help people come together through Joy to celebrate the good things in life so that each of us doesn't have to go at it alone thinking we are the only ones who are struggling. What is your joy? How do you hold on to it? How do you draw strength from it? The first step is realizing what Joy is, the second is going out and finding your own. 

Tattoo #1 -Love

Since I was a little kid I would look up at the older guys with tattoos and be so envious. I wanted to look like that when I grew up, I wanted to feel cool. At the same time I wanted it to mean something too. I want all the tattoos I get to mean something important to me. If I am going to have it for the rest of my life then I might as well really want it there. I remember with my first tattoo I would take a permanent marker and write it out on my wrist and just let it stay there for a day or two to see if I liked it or not, to see how it made me feel. 

I put a lot of thought into what I wanted my first tattoo to be and I finally settled on the word love. Once my mind had set it wasn't going to change, it felt perfectly right. That's how I know it was the right time and right tattoo, it felt natural going.  The whole thing felt natural, not like something I was making myself do or putting myself through. I had decided on the inside of my left wrist for the location and I wanted the word written in cursive. Why the word love? Well, to me it was simple. Above any other word love is the most important to me and I believe the most important in the world. Every action that happens is due to love in some form; whether it is brotherly love, friendly love, the love of a spouse or the love of a family member it is just as important. Even hate is nothing more than love turned dark. 

I also decided that I wanted that to be my driving word from now on. Love. I want to see it there so I can be reminded to act with love and to keep love in my heart, and my thoughts. Maybe it sounds corny, but to me it's important to be reminded of love every day. When we treat others with love we open ourselves up and allow ourselves to receive love as well. Every time I move my left hand or go to pick something up I see that word there and it always reminds me to stop and ask myself - Am I treating the people around me right now with love? Could I do anything different to show a little more love and maybe make an impact on someone's day. By expressing love we give ourselves the chance to affect real change. We make up this crazy world and its up to us to fix it and take care of one another. I still get angry and frustrated so easily, there are still so many times that I need to be reminded to act with a little more love instead of a little less. What do you do to remind yourself? What can you do? I got it tattooed on my wrist so that way I can never forget.