Simple Tool #2 - Repeating Doorways In The Peace Under The Bridge

After moving to a new home one of the most important things I must do is find my peaceful spot. I need that one spot, somewhere away from the apartment and away from all my worries and anxieties and fears. When I first moved to California I lived in Venice and my favorite escape wasn't so much a place as the act of doing something in that place. I used to love driving, driving for hours in any direction just for the sake of getting lost and having fun; I wanted to explore. That was what I did in Venice and Venice Beach, drive around every little side street, alley, park and even down the coast following the beautiful beaches. I loved the smell of the salt in the air, it was so refreshing. When I was there I reminded myself that I really was here in California. I had made it here and I was living my dream. I really did have a lot to be happy about and proud of. I needed to remind myself of that a lot to keep myself  motivated when I wanted to give up in those times of trial. It had meaning for me.

After I moved to the valley a few years later I found the most beautiful park I had seen in such a long time. It was owned by the city so it was well manicured, clean and taken care of. There were so many trees, and so many different kinds too. There were paths everywhere and places to sit and play or eat and cook out. It was at the base of a few mountains, towering high over the open grass fields and flowering trees and bushes. When the sun was out it was like everything just came to life, so vibrant and so beautiful. It was my heaven when I was there, my escape. Now I still live in the valley but a little farther west, closer to the city. I have to say I do like it a lot here, even though my park isn't here. There are other parks though that are still beautiful and nice. The nice trail around the golf course is always one of my favorites or even the trail over the dam where you can see down onto the freeway. The Wildlife Preserve is my favorite because of how natural and raw it still is and how teeming with life it always seems. There are rabbits, ducks, geese, fish, huge frogs, big turtles, birds of every shape, size and song and so many more. It really is a beautiful place and I try to go there as many times a week as I possibly can.

Like it's gigantic neighbor Griffith Park, looming over vast mountains and ravines, Balboa Park seems almost just as huge. It's spread out and connects to parks on either side. Most importantly it is well taken care of and the wildlife preserve really is preserved. There are so many spots in that park that I love but there is one in particular that I love the most. The one spot that brings me peace. Whenever we are walking I always try to steer my partner in the direction of the tunnel under the road to another part of the park. Walking underneath it is like having the world just disappear. You can feel it as the sound suddenly stops and all you hear is the slow movement of the water and the sound of the birds and other creatures waiting outside. I love that feeling when the sound first breaks because it's like running into a wall of padding. The stillness is haunting yet satisfyingly comforting. The water has spilled over it's former shallows and enveloped pools formed around the concrete that seems as if it is just melting away. It is almost like a nostalgic feeling of stopping and seeing someone from a time lost playing in the water or drinking a beer with their friends. A weird, yet calming, feeling of hope and peace. 

Walking out toward the sunshine on the other side I am always happy to feel the warmth but heartbroken to let go of the seductive ache that always clasps around my heart when I walk through that beautiful space. Under that bride it is like a different world. Looking up and out over the river you can see through the pillars as if through a concrete maze whose walls were crumbling. It is like seeing doorways just repeating over and over, alternating so that it seems that when they are viewed from just the right alignment a series of interlocking doors have opened, all waiting for you to step through and see what's on the other side. That wonder, along with the ache, is more haunting than any ghost or spirit. That is my peaceful place right now, my refuge from the storm that is my own mind. I try to go there every day with my partner and sometimes even with little Miss Stormborn. On the days I get off work a little late we just go to one of the neighborhood parks down the street. But when I get to go visit my spot, when I get the chance to let go, the feeling of being free is so comforting it's almost addicting. We should all have someplace to comfort us. Yes there are always many places that mean many different things to all of us, but there is that one spot that really just captures you and your heart. One that encapsulates what it is that you are and what you are feeling. Only you know what that spot is, no one else. It can be the view of the wall when your sitting on the ground with your back against your bed or the view from the back patio of the house you are renting. It can be the graveyard where your loved one is buried or the park near the mall because of all the tall trees around the glistening lake. It's a challenge, finding your spot. Don't put too much thought into it though, let it just happen. When you find your spot hold on to it and use it. Use it like a battery to recharge your joy tanks. It's like a never ending supply of hope and strength. Seek it when you need comfort and use it to shelter yourself from the storms that life brings your way. Find your spot, it will help you find your joy as it strips away the distractions around  you and brings you back down to earth. 

Cutting Out the Rot

Most of the biggest hindrances in our journey towards being joyful stem from within. The biggest thing holding us back in life is our own stubbornness. We have to open our eyes and be able to tell the difference between the healthy and the rotten, the good and the bad. That bad will always be there, but by focusing on the healthy growth and doing something to cut out the source of the festering rot you can not only heal yourself but protect against future attacks as well. It is important that whenever anything happens to us we take the time to process it and really get something out of it, otherwise what's the point. After all, aren't we nothing but the sum of all of our experiences and potential? I believe we are. You must accept everything, not get over it or even forgive necessarily, but you must accept it because it has already happened and there is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is react, and that reaction is up to you. By accepting something you take away the power it has over you and by then moving forward and adapting you take power over it and take control of your life back into your own hands. What this is boiling down to is that there are sometimes bad things in our life, rot in the tree, that must be removed in order for the healthy tree to continue not just growing but thriving. Sometimes it can be hard and most of the time painful, but it is necessary and essential to surviving and living not just a productive but a joyous life. Sometimes we can't even see for ourselves the toxic infestations in our life, that's why we have people we love surrounding us. So that they can be there for us even when our ugly wounds and scars are standing right in front of their faces for all to see. Sometimes we feel sorry for whatever is causing the rot and we make excuses for it and try to protect it out of some sense of duty. In the process we start to poison and kill ourselves. Festering rot may plateau and lie dormant for a time, but it always comes back to take more and grow even larger. It is unforgiving and all consuming no matter what promises it makes or how it temporarily makes you feel. We must be alert for these poisons, these parasites. When something is causing us fear, pain, anxiety or anguish we must look at where it is coming from and seek to either adapt or cut out the disease before it gets any larger. This is easier said than done, but it is something that we all must do. Walking the dog the other day with my partner we walked past a tree that had, over the past few months started developing odd growths and bumps. Now there was a spot where sap had been spilling from the tree and the wood underneath was black with rot. It was odd seeing it all happen over the course of a few weeks every time we took the dog for a walk. You never really think of trees as having diseases or parasites. Of course, what is a termite except that very thing?
It got me to thinking, trees live much longer than we do and can be far more resilient. But if they can be taken down by an internal rotting darkness then what does that say of us? Are we doomed before we even start? No, because we are humans and we are much more flexible and adaptable than a tree. That is our strength. We have the opportunity to recognize these diseases and do something about them. I was cleaning and sorting through things today and I came across some old letters and cards given to me by co-workers at my last job. I left my last job because I didn't feel ethically right staying there and I wanted to make a real difference somewhere else. I remember what I learned from there but thinking back about heart-twisting memories isn't necessary. I didn't even hesitate, I threw them away and kept going. No need to keep something that will only remind me of things that I don't want to remember. The memory will always be there, that's enough. Don't be afraid to let go of the painful past. Take what you have learned, heal and move forward with life. Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives who have a negative influence on us; sometimes for a few months and sometimes for a lifetime. It all depends on the influence and how deep their rot runs. My best friend of now ten years, who is currently in the hospital ICU, and I are closer than brothers but there was a time where I cut him completely out of my life. I blocked his number, blocked his Facebook and on and on. I may not have handled it the right way but I could see him destroying himself again no matter what I said and I couldn't handle having to go along with it anymore or having to watch him slide back into dangerous black waters once more. I had enough other stresses in my life, I couldn't handle any more. It was a very hard decision and one that I did not come to lightly. It hurt for a while, but the entire time I knew that I had done the right thing for me. A few months later I reached back out to him and he was there reaching back. We talked for a long time and I explained why  I left and he understood. He knew it was because I loved him and his suffering was tearing me down and poisoning me. We have always been there for each other, and he knew I always would be even if we weren't in touch, and will be there for each other and support each other from now until forever. But I had to do what was necessary, and he understood that.
I'm not saying cut ties with everyone or do something drastic, just evaluate your life and your friends and your commitments and the whole structure of your daily activities. Take a look and see what things are really causing the rot to spread. Where is it really coming from? What can you do about it? Do you want to do anything about it? Are you? I love nature and I love going for daily walks even in the neighborhood just to see the trees and flowers and green grass. I've always been fascinated by the bark of a tree. A healthy tree has good strong bark that can sometimes appear to almost be cracked and breaking from the outside. It appears as if the tree is crumbling apart, but it's not. It's the tree growing, pushing, against the outer restraints of it's boundary. Forcing it's way in, growth takes hold and expands more and more, cracking the other shell and constantly making a new one as the inner circles of the tree are replenished and strengthened from the roots deep below. Those cracks in the bark aren't signs of weakness but signs of healthy growth and thriving life. Life doesn't always look perfect from the outside or even to others no matter how close they think they may be. Life is messy and it never turns out the way we want. Don't mistake those cracks for breaks. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that because of your experiences you are somehow damaged or broken. You are stronger, you are you. You are who you are. When you look in that mirror, see those aging creases for what they are, the shredding of the old for the dawning of the new, and cut off the source of that poison you see and feel before it consumes you. You are in control, if only you'll realize it. Stop, do something about it. Be Joyful.