"The Wisdom of Joy From Jerry" #2 - Spring

This is my favorite time of year, springtime. The weather is perfect and it's easy to find Joy because it's all around you. I mean look at springtime; trees getting their leaves and flowering, flowers blooming, dead shoots coming back to life. Everything about this time of year is perfect to me, it feels like a fresh new start; like a breath of fresh air into everything around you. Even putting dozens and dozens of bags of mulch down in the backyard around the bases of the trees isn't a chore because you're outside and interacting with the outdoors. It's even better doing it with someone you love, it makes it even more enjoyable. My wife and I are always working together in the yard and inside on projects and planting things. New starts and new beginnings all the time, life is always changing and there is never a better chance than springtime to witness that.
Another thing I love about Spring is getting ready for camping season. Camping is one of the joys of my life. For as long as I can remember I have loved spending time outdoors and one of the best ways to do that is to go camping. Growing up I would go camping with friends, of course in the Army and always with my family throughout the years. When my kids were growing up we would take an annual vacation every year and drive across the country traveling and exploring. We wanted to expose them to more than just the little bubble around their lives. Spring just tends to bring out that sense of wonderment and adventure. The last time I was at the Grand Canyon was with my son on our way to Los Angeles when we were moving his stuff out there. While we didn't get to camp on that particular trip we spent two days there enjoying the Grand Canyon in Spring. Over a decade earlier, as a family, we had taken three days to hike to the bottom of the canyon and back up again. To spend another Spring moment there with my son was a treasure. There is nothing more majestic than the true beauty and awe of nature. 
Spring is the most joyful time of the year for anyone and everyone, it symbolizes fresh starts and new beginnings. Some say Fall, some Winter and some Summer, but to me it will always be Spring. The temperature may fluctuate a little, but the air is warm, fresh and crisp and you can smell growth everywhere in the air. The magic of nature, the magic of Spring. 

The Joy of The Morning Dew - A Morning's Promise Of A Fresh Start

Life came to exist here on this piece of space rock because a billion different odds came together to make it possible. Nature is a powerful force, a force to be recokoned with. I mean look at what she's done so far; you could extend Mother Nature on into our Universe and even beyond since it too is the world around us, even if we can't see it. Nature always amazes me, it's patterns as well as its force of change. Look at the Grand Canyon, carved over millions of years by the Colorado River from a once flat piece of land. The human body is just as much an example, it is the very reason I got into the healthcare field and eventually became a nurse. The human body and the way it works amazes me. I mean truly amazes me. The billions of different things, pieces, processes, on and on all happening at the same time in sync and in communication. Nature is powerful. We evolved from what was once nothing on this planet and look how complex we are now compared to the first single-celled organism that popped up here on Earth. 

Nature is obviously evident all around us, we have just trained ourselves not to see it - to ignore it. I love how many trees my neighborhood has, I'm lucky. There's also the park down the street. Besides, this is California - there are aloe plants and palm trees literally everywhere. I love going for walks just to be outside and under the trees,walking through the neighborhood. I love growing plants, I'm not always that good at it but I love it. Succulent plants are easy because they just need water and sun but can survive pretty well with even only a little water. I spend hours sometimes just watching them and looking at all the details. Sometimes I think about things and sometimes I just sit and examine the amazing living being in front of me that is also growing and changing. Some of those plants like the succulents are a great example. They, like many others, will grow toward the sunlight so depending on where you put them they will grow a different direction. They crave that light and that nourishment. 

Go for a walk sometime soon, and by soon I mean like today or tomorrow by the latest. Even if it's just for five minutes. I park my truck at work in the 1 hour parking zone so I'm forced to take 3 minutes every hour and take a deep breath and clear my head. Sometimes I take a 6 minute walk around the neighborhood. Nothing long or fancy, just something to get me back outside and connected to nature. Even in the city there are parks and trees. It's like re-charging your batteries in the best way possible. Take a long walk on the weekend. Look up at the open sky and remember why you are joyful and what you have to be joyful about. Be mindful and live here and now in the present. 

There are so many truly beautiful things in nature, everyday types of things. Things that happen because of nature's cycle - like the rain. Yes we have droughts and floods but it is still a water cycle that has developed and helped formed this planet. One beautiful thing about this cycle is the morning dew. The moisture in the cooler air at night falls as condensation when the temperature slowly begins to rise. The water droplets then form and are left on the surface of Earth, well the surfaces that have access to rain. In the morning take a step outside and look at the grass, look at the leaves on the trees or even the metal railings lining the walkways. I love the morning dew because it brings me joy by reminding me that some things do come from the cold harsh night, and it reminds me of freshness. A new start. A new beginning. A new day. I am a water sign and for some reason in an odd way water soothes me like nothing else can. When I see the morning dew I see the Joy I hold closest to my heart, my loving husband and our two dogs, my family and my writing; the potential this day has to propel one of those forward. No matter what happened yesterday. No matter the mistakes or problems or failures. Today take a look at the morning dew, take a moment to center and be mindful. Appreciate life and the things around you, what you have and what you someday will. Be happy in the here and now and take this chance to realize that every morning is a fresh start with a new chance to do whatever you want. You just have to want it. 

My Own Personal Joy: Birdsong

Parked in my truck today I had the window rolled down and I was enjoying the nice warm breeze and sunshine when I started to hear birdsong. I wasn't the only one out to soak up the sun, the birds were out in numbers flying around playfully and singing to their hearts content. Few things in nature sound as beautiful as birdsong, especially a duet or chorus of birds seeming to come from every direction. There was one I could hear coming from right close to me. After a few minutes of peaceful watching I found him sitting there plain as day in front of my eyes. It made me grin because it reminded me how there are so many beautiful things in life that we miss because we just don't take the time to take a close enough look. 

Can you see him sitting there among the leaves? The next time you hear a bird song today try to take a minute to stop and see where it's coming from. Take a moment to appreciate the joy that's already there in the world around you. Take some time to notice. 

Find your joy & share it! 

Pruning The Palms

I don't know why but my favorite scissors are the long metal old fashioned ones, just like the ones from art class. I love the smoothness and how they feel in my hand. Even more I love how perfectly they can cut through almost anything. It's important in life to remember that our plants aren't the only things that need pruning. Our lives are filled with excess; excess time, excess involvements and even excess friends. Sometimes there are people that we just have to cut ourselves away from in order to keep ourselves healthy, happy and thriving. It doesn't mean you can't help someone when they really need it, but it's about taking the things out of your life that are dragging you down and holding you back. Removing those barriers to joy in your life is a power that belongs solely to you. A good example that I see everyday is that of the palm trees that grow all around and line almost every street. There are some trees that look terrible because no one has trimmed the dead fronds that hang from top to bottom of the tree. It looks as if every palm frond ever grown still hangs limply against the still healthy trunk. It looks bad. Then there's the tree next to it, or across the street, that doesn't have any dead gray fronds and looks healthy and thriving. Those are the nice ones, the healthy ones. The strong ones. There are times in life that we must let things go. The key is to continually be casually on the lookout for things in your life that drag you down or discourage you in any way. Things that stand in the way of your path to joy. Those obstacles must be removed. Before we can do that though we must first identify what we are dealing with. Take some time and think about your life and things that you are worried about. Are there things that you can take out of your life? Is there somewhere you can cut back and instead do something you want with someone you love. Remember we only have one shot at this one life. Don't waste time letting excess baggage accumulate and weigh you down so that even if you are growing you won't be able to see it. 

Simple Tool #2 - Repeating Doorways In The Peace Under The Bridge

After moving to a new home one of the most important things I must do is find my peaceful spot. I need that one spot, somewhere away from the apartment and away from all my worries and anxieties and fears. When I first moved to California I lived in Venice and my favorite escape wasn't so much a place as the act of doing something in that place. I used to love driving, driving for hours in any direction just for the sake of getting lost and having fun; I wanted to explore. That was what I did in Venice and Venice Beach, drive around every little side street, alley, park and even down the coast following the beautiful beaches. I loved the smell of the salt in the air, it was so refreshing. When I was there I reminded myself that I really was here in California. I had made it here and I was living my dream. I really did have a lot to be happy about and proud of. I needed to remind myself of that a lot to keep myself  motivated when I wanted to give up in those times of trial. It had meaning for me.

After I moved to the valley a few years later I found the most beautiful park I had seen in such a long time. It was owned by the city so it was well manicured, clean and taken care of. There were so many trees, and so many different kinds too. There were paths everywhere and places to sit and play or eat and cook out. It was at the base of a few mountains, towering high over the open grass fields and flowering trees and bushes. When the sun was out it was like everything just came to life, so vibrant and so beautiful. It was my heaven when I was there, my escape. Now I still live in the valley but a little farther west, closer to the city. I have to say I do like it a lot here, even though my park isn't here. There are other parks though that are still beautiful and nice. The nice trail around the golf course is always one of my favorites or even the trail over the dam where you can see down onto the freeway. The Wildlife Preserve is my favorite because of how natural and raw it still is and how teeming with life it always seems. There are rabbits, ducks, geese, fish, huge frogs, big turtles, birds of every shape, size and song and so many more. It really is a beautiful place and I try to go there as many times a week as I possibly can.

Like it's gigantic neighbor Griffith Park, looming over vast mountains and ravines, Balboa Park seems almost just as huge. It's spread out and connects to parks on either side. Most importantly it is well taken care of and the wildlife preserve really is preserved. There are so many spots in that park that I love but there is one in particular that I love the most. The one spot that brings me peace. Whenever we are walking I always try to steer my partner in the direction of the tunnel under the road to another part of the park. Walking underneath it is like having the world just disappear. You can feel it as the sound suddenly stops and all you hear is the slow movement of the water and the sound of the birds and other creatures waiting outside. I love that feeling when the sound first breaks because it's like running into a wall of padding. The stillness is haunting yet satisfyingly comforting. The water has spilled over it's former shallows and enveloped pools formed around the concrete that seems as if it is just melting away. It is almost like a nostalgic feeling of stopping and seeing someone from a time lost playing in the water or drinking a beer with their friends. A weird, yet calming, feeling of hope and peace. 

Walking out toward the sunshine on the other side I am always happy to feel the warmth but heartbroken to let go of the seductive ache that always clasps around my heart when I walk through that beautiful space. Under that bride it is like a different world. Looking up and out over the river you can see through the pillars as if through a concrete maze whose walls were crumbling. It is like seeing doorways just repeating over and over, alternating so that it seems that when they are viewed from just the right alignment a series of interlocking doors have opened, all waiting for you to step through and see what's on the other side. That wonder, along with the ache, is more haunting than any ghost or spirit. That is my peaceful place right now, my refuge from the storm that is my own mind. I try to go there every day with my partner and sometimes even with little Miss Stormborn. On the days I get off work a little late we just go to one of the neighborhood parks down the street. But when I get to go visit my spot, when I get the chance to let go, the feeling of being free is so comforting it's almost addicting. We should all have someplace to comfort us. Yes there are always many places that mean many different things to all of us, but there is that one spot that really just captures you and your heart. One that encapsulates what it is that you are and what you are feeling. Only you know what that spot is, no one else. It can be the view of the wall when your sitting on the ground with your back against your bed or the view from the back patio of the house you are renting. It can be the graveyard where your loved one is buried or the park near the mall because of all the tall trees around the glistening lake. It's a challenge, finding your spot. Don't put too much thought into it though, let it just happen. When you find your spot hold on to it and use it. Use it like a battery to recharge your joy tanks. It's like a never ending supply of hope and strength. Seek it when you need comfort and use it to shelter yourself from the storms that life brings your way. Find your spot, it will help you find your joy as it strips away the distractions around  you and brings you back down to earth. 

Making A List & Checking It Twice

I sat down this weekend and made a list of all of the things on my mind. I had so much going on and was so stressed out I could hardly think let alone attempt to write anything substantial. Start simple, write it out item by item and then go through and find a way to fix each thing. Then every worry will be taken care of and there will be no other choice left except to live life. So, let's go.
1. Work - Investigation

There's nothing I can do now. I told the truth and that is that. I did the right thing. Besides, sitting around now and worrying about it won't help or change anything. So I just have to keep going, at work and at home, and not think about it. No matter how hard it may be. I have to. It's the only way to save my sanity.
2. Work - Licensing

Two days down and only one day left. That first day the woman got a little stern with me, raising her voice to tell me not to interrupt her and when I apologized saying it again even louder. Oh my god, I was horrified. I couldn't believe it. For days afterward I was still upset about it, afraid she would write something about it in her report or mention it to the director above us. It's been driving me crazy. But the second day she was much calmer and nicer. I answered all her questions to her satisfaction. Whether it was what she wanted to hear or not I do not know. All I can do is relax tomorrow and make sure everything is in order in the charts for Tuesday. I've done all the work the way I was supposed and when I was supposed to and it's all filed in the charts. I just have to breathe and relax and keep a cool head. I can do that. The more I stress out now and worry the more likely I am going to be to screw up. Relax, breathe, forget about it and focus on what I'm doing right now.
3. Two Car Accidents
Well, what can I even say about this? The first small one that caused hardly any damage is pending as the owner said he was going to get a quote to fix it himself so we could just get it done. I am waiting to see how much that is going to cost now, dreading it more like it. I seriously can't afford anything over maybe a couple hundred dollars. What am I going to do? I don't have enough to pay off my credit card bills. The second one is going through the insurance and the only thing I have to worry about there is phone calls wanting details, having to get a quote on my truck and paying the deductible if I want (which I won't) and just waiting for the inevitable rise in insurance rates again. Because I didn't get a ticket or anything I don't see how it could get anything on my license but I guess I will see. Again, what am I going to do now anyway?
4. Bills & Credit Cards & Debt & Savings
Bills will get paid on time even if things are tight, they always are on time with no troubles except my own worry. I have help if I get myself into a desperate enough situation to warrant it. Credit cards will just have to take payment after payment of the minimum and sometimes a little more. It feels like I am never getting ahead but all I am going to do is keep paying and not using it and see what I can accomplish. My debt is there whether I want it or not and just like the credit cards they will get paid in time. I have some in my savings now, if I want more then I just need to cut back on other things and instead place that money in my savings account. It's all up to me to just do it if I want it done.
5. Health & Healthcare
I have two diseases but I am doing well,  I take my meds and I cope with things. I take it day by day. Sometimes even making it to the lab at Kaiser enough time before my doctor's appointment to get my blood results back is too much for me to take on. My partner sees that and he really steps up and helps me when I feel lost and confused and anxious. I have him to lean on to help me with this burden, it is not just mine to deal with on my own. I do also have my family who love and support me.
6. Learning to be myself in my relationship, and making us both happy
Stop thinking, just do it. The more you think about it the more you are going to screw it up.
7. Learning to be joyful when the world turns to ash
Isn't that why I am doing this? Making myself focus on the joyful and positive in life. Today I have just taken it literally moment by moment with the help of my partner through text messages. Without him to help me pace myself I would have been too overwhelmed to make it through more than a few hours. I wasn't going to fall apart, I'm not going to. I used the help I had and will have. He is my guardian angel.
I could feel everything brooding and swirling in the back of my mind all day but I had to just ignore it. Acknowledge that it is there, there is no point in wasting energy pretending something isn't there when it is. Then just push it back, put a blanket over it and watch it out of the corner of your eye. I forced myself to focus on exactly what I was doing and look, I made it through. After work we went on another two-and-a-half mile hike at the Sepulveda Dam Basin & Wildlife Refuge. I absolutely love it there, it's beautiful and it feels like you have left Los Angeles and have been transported to a beautiful sprawling forested area with lakes and wild flowers and bushes of every kind, each teeming with life. Walking along the ridge of the dam I was trying to get myself to stop being so stressed and upset. All of a sudden it hit me so hard I felt like an idiot. Just like I've said, joy means accepting the bad in life and working to focus on and spreading the good. That was what I needed to do; I had the answer the whole time. I began to think about each thing I was worried about and in my head I literally turned the image around and tried to see how I had been reacting negatively and how to look at it in another light. It can be hard, it always will be. That's how life is and there is nothing we can do about it. Just keep those reminders to stay joyful, to look at the silver linings and not to get lost in all the clutter and static. Do it for yourself, you'll thank yourself later.
So take everything that's troubling you and write it down, make a list. Do it right now, it shouldn't take too long. When you are done go back through the list item by item and think about why these things are bothering you and how you are causing your own misery by giving yourself nothing but the negative to live with. Look at each worry on that list and think about the good that is there as well or how you can't change it but you can cause it to go better by choosing to respond with a positive attitude and a willingness to learn and grow. Make your list, check it twice; if you can't find a positive way to deal with anything on that list ask for some help, some ideas. We are all in this together. 

Cutting Out the Rot

Most of the biggest hindrances in our journey towards being joyful stem from within. The biggest thing holding us back in life is our own stubbornness. We have to open our eyes and be able to tell the difference between the healthy and the rotten, the good and the bad. That bad will always be there, but by focusing on the healthy growth and doing something to cut out the source of the festering rot you can not only heal yourself but protect against future attacks as well. It is important that whenever anything happens to us we take the time to process it and really get something out of it, otherwise what's the point. After all, aren't we nothing but the sum of all of our experiences and potential? I believe we are. You must accept everything, not get over it or even forgive necessarily, but you must accept it because it has already happened and there is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is react, and that reaction is up to you. By accepting something you take away the power it has over you and by then moving forward and adapting you take power over it and take control of your life back into your own hands. What this is boiling down to is that there are sometimes bad things in our life, rot in the tree, that must be removed in order for the healthy tree to continue not just growing but thriving. Sometimes it can be hard and most of the time painful, but it is necessary and essential to surviving and living not just a productive but a joyous life. Sometimes we can't even see for ourselves the toxic infestations in our life, that's why we have people we love surrounding us. So that they can be there for us even when our ugly wounds and scars are standing right in front of their faces for all to see. Sometimes we feel sorry for whatever is causing the rot and we make excuses for it and try to protect it out of some sense of duty. In the process we start to poison and kill ourselves. Festering rot may plateau and lie dormant for a time, but it always comes back to take more and grow even larger. It is unforgiving and all consuming no matter what promises it makes or how it temporarily makes you feel. We must be alert for these poisons, these parasites. When something is causing us fear, pain, anxiety or anguish we must look at where it is coming from and seek to either adapt or cut out the disease before it gets any larger. This is easier said than done, but it is something that we all must do. Walking the dog the other day with my partner we walked past a tree that had, over the past few months started developing odd growths and bumps. Now there was a spot where sap had been spilling from the tree and the wood underneath was black with rot. It was odd seeing it all happen over the course of a few weeks every time we took the dog for a walk. You never really think of trees as having diseases or parasites. Of course, what is a termite except that very thing?
It got me to thinking, trees live much longer than we do and can be far more resilient. But if they can be taken down by an internal rotting darkness then what does that say of us? Are we doomed before we even start? No, because we are humans and we are much more flexible and adaptable than a tree. That is our strength. We have the opportunity to recognize these diseases and do something about them. I was cleaning and sorting through things today and I came across some old letters and cards given to me by co-workers at my last job. I left my last job because I didn't feel ethically right staying there and I wanted to make a real difference somewhere else. I remember what I learned from there but thinking back about heart-twisting memories isn't necessary. I didn't even hesitate, I threw them away and kept going. No need to keep something that will only remind me of things that I don't want to remember. The memory will always be there, that's enough. Don't be afraid to let go of the painful past. Take what you have learned, heal and move forward with life. Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives who have a negative influence on us; sometimes for a few months and sometimes for a lifetime. It all depends on the influence and how deep their rot runs. My best friend of now ten years, who is currently in the hospital ICU, and I are closer than brothers but there was a time where I cut him completely out of my life. I blocked his number, blocked his Facebook and on and on. I may not have handled it the right way but I could see him destroying himself again no matter what I said and I couldn't handle having to go along with it anymore or having to watch him slide back into dangerous black waters once more. I had enough other stresses in my life, I couldn't handle any more. It was a very hard decision and one that I did not come to lightly. It hurt for a while, but the entire time I knew that I had done the right thing for me. A few months later I reached back out to him and he was there reaching back. We talked for a long time and I explained why  I left and he understood. He knew it was because I loved him and his suffering was tearing me down and poisoning me. We have always been there for each other, and he knew I always would be even if we weren't in touch, and will be there for each other and support each other from now until forever. But I had to do what was necessary, and he understood that.
I'm not saying cut ties with everyone or do something drastic, just evaluate your life and your friends and your commitments and the whole structure of your daily activities. Take a look and see what things are really causing the rot to spread. Where is it really coming from? What can you do about it? Do you want to do anything about it? Are you? I love nature and I love going for daily walks even in the neighborhood just to see the trees and flowers and green grass. I've always been fascinated by the bark of a tree. A healthy tree has good strong bark that can sometimes appear to almost be cracked and breaking from the outside. It appears as if the tree is crumbling apart, but it's not. It's the tree growing, pushing, against the outer restraints of it's boundary. Forcing it's way in, growth takes hold and expands more and more, cracking the other shell and constantly making a new one as the inner circles of the tree are replenished and strengthened from the roots deep below. Those cracks in the bark aren't signs of weakness but signs of healthy growth and thriving life. Life doesn't always look perfect from the outside or even to others no matter how close they think they may be. Life is messy and it never turns out the way we want. Don't mistake those cracks for breaks. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that because of your experiences you are somehow damaged or broken. You are stronger, you are you. You are who you are. When you look in that mirror, see those aging creases for what they are, the shredding of the old for the dawning of the new, and cut off the source of that poison you see and feel before it consumes you. You are in control, if only you'll realize it. Stop, do something about it. Be Joyful.