Twinkling Sparkle

All of my life I have dreamed of one thing; I have kept pushing myself through all the hurt and pain with only one goal in sight, all the while realizing that I may never even reach the absolution I so desired. From the time I was but a young boy I yearned only for the one comfort I knew would make make me feel safe and protected. The thing that would make everything else right, what would finally make me feel whole and complete. I knew from the time I was probably six that I liked boys, the problem was that I never realized that wasn't how I was supposed to feel until years later. I honestly thought that it was normal, I was just like everyone else. It wasn't until my peers reached the age where they started comparing themselves to the standards set around them did I realize that I was different. I remember the feelings of hurt and betrayal when I came to realize that I wasn't like the other boys my age; why didn't everyone else feel this way? It took years and years for me to accept who I was, yet the whole time I never doubted that my feelings were genuine, heart-felt or out of my control. For years after that, after being diagnosed with an incurable disease at seventeen and then soon after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I struggled to love myself for who I was and longed only for someone who would love me for me and show me that I was worth being loved. I know those feelings have to come from within, but with my fragile body and broken mind I needed someone special to open me up and show me that not only was I worth it but that I was worth it to him as well. Being bipolar is a difficult struggle to fight, seeing as it is one that will never end, and I longed for those comforting arms that would hold and in turn set me free from from the inside out. 

I remember crying myself to sleep at night thinking that no one would ever love me, that I would never be accepted and that I would never have a normal life. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, all came down to one thing - I wanted my prince to rescue me, shelter me and show me the way. When you are bipolar you can't see the forest through the trees, I needed a map and compass to guide me and keep me on the right and true path. I've only had a handful of relationships in my life, most lasting less than six months, and all of them riddled with problems stemming from my disorder and lack of love for myself. No one else could see through the veil I had spent years putting up, until he could. I don't know what powers in the universe collided but he found me when I wasn't even looking. He stole me away from a man whose heart was darker than pitch and instead of sweeping me off my feet he held my hand and walked with me, getting to know me every step of the way and allowing himself to open up. It takes a truly genuine caring person to be able to deal with the issues I face and I will forever know how lucky I am to have the man who found me. 

He stands by my side even when I am wrong, teaching and guiding me through a world I am ill equipped to handle. I know it's hard on him but he teaches me more and more every day and I see in his eyes and actions the compassion, joy and hope I can feel when he is next to me. I am blessed. Even after all the flaming hoops he has already gone through for me he is still willing to put himself in harm's way just to make sure I am kept safe. Is that not the deifnition of true love? This past weekend, while visiting my family back in Tennessee, the most amazing thing happened. I had a feeling it was coming, and when it did it really blew me off my feet. He asked me if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, if I would marry him. Of course the answer was yes, a resounding yes! More beautiful though, he actually talked to my parents and asked permission to take my hand in marriage. I am speechless even now when it comes to describing how much I love him and how much he means to me. All my life I've wanted to just know that one person wanted me above all else, someone who thought that I was the only one worth having in this world. And here he was. Standing right before me. 

My engagement ring is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned, white gold with diamonds. Yes, diamonds. Since I was a little boy I've wanted just one diamond, not even a big one. I wanted to feel that awesome feeling when someone gives you something so rare and valuable because they think you deserve it. I wanted to be loved. And here I am, ring on my finger and the love of my life by my side. Flying back on the plane I sit here up in the night sky reading "The Fault In Our Stars" and wondering how I have ended up so lucky. I truly never saw this day ever coming. Not in a million years. On top of that the love of my life is loved by not only my parents but my younger brother as well. When I closed my book on the tray table in front of me the light caught my ring and I saw that twinkling sparkle as the diamond's radiance was displayed for all to see. It suddenly struck me - everything I have ever wanted I have right in front of me. I may be far from my family right now but I have my own family here that I am now building. My dreams aren't coming true, they already have. Seeing that twinkle I told myself that it was time to really change. No more games and no more wasting time, my life is here and now and it's time to live the life I've always wanted. It's still going to be hard, but I have my amazing fiancé to guide me and help me along. And I have my ring to remind me for always just how bright our love can shine and sparkle. I vowed to myself to remember that fact wherever I may be and whatever may be going on. When I see that sparkle and shine it should be a reminder that my dreams are here and I have no more reason to be afraid. I got the thing I wanted most in this world, now there's no reason on heaven or earth to waste another moment stressing out about things that will happen no matter what through every walk of life no matter who you may be. That diamond is more than just a representation of the infinite strength of our love, it is a symbol to remind me that none of that small stuff matters anymore. The little things aren't worth worrying over, life isn't worth worrying over. Life is here and now, like a diamond twinkling in the light; life will always have its bright spots - you just have to look the right way and catch it in the right light to see them, but I promise they are always there. For me my biggest bright spot is the love of my life, something my ring reminds me of every time it reflects the light already shining all around. 

Pruning The Palms

I don't know why but my favorite scissors are the long metal old fashioned ones, just like the ones from art class. I love the smoothness and how they feel in my hand. Even more I love how perfectly they can cut through almost anything. It's important in life to remember that our plants aren't the only things that need pruning. Our lives are filled with excess; excess time, excess involvements and even excess friends. Sometimes there are people that we just have to cut ourselves away from in order to keep ourselves healthy, happy and thriving. It doesn't mean you can't help someone when they really need it, but it's about taking the things out of your life that are dragging you down and holding you back. Removing those barriers to joy in your life is a power that belongs solely to you. A good example that I see everyday is that of the palm trees that grow all around and line almost every street. There are some trees that look terrible because no one has trimmed the dead fronds that hang from top to bottom of the tree. It looks as if every palm frond ever grown still hangs limply against the still healthy trunk. It looks bad. Then there's the tree next to it, or across the street, that doesn't have any dead gray fronds and looks healthy and thriving. Those are the nice ones, the healthy ones. The strong ones. There are times in life that we must let things go. The key is to continually be casually on the lookout for things in your life that drag you down or discourage you in any way. Things that stand in the way of your path to joy. Those obstacles must be removed. Before we can do that though we must first identify what we are dealing with. Take some time and think about your life and things that you are worried about. Are there things that you can take out of your life? Is there somewhere you can cut back and instead do something you want with someone you love. Remember we only have one shot at this one life. Don't waste time letting excess baggage accumulate and weigh you down so that even if you are growing you won't be able to see it. 

Lizards In The Garden

As spring begins the world has begun to come alive all around me. I love it, I love the smell and I love the feeling in the air. That crispness I sense as I breathe in is so refreshing and invigorating. This is why I am always going outside. It's why I'm always pushing myself to get up and get out. When I get really depressed all I want to do is stay in. Whether it's lying in bed, sitting at the desk or sitting on the edge of the bed I don't care. I just don't want to get out and interact with people. And I definitely don't want to talk on the phone. I can get stuck like this, stuck in this terrible self-perpetuating cycle of misery and despair. We all can, it's an easy trap to fall in to. The best way I found to get out of it is to get up and just go outside. I do it by myself if I need to, but I still go outside and breathe in the fresh air. It brings me back to life. When it's time to come back inside I always feel at least a little more optimistic about life. It somehow helps me realign my perspective and puts a little more fuel in my tank. I don't know what it is but it works every time. It helps me calm down enough to take a deep breathe and put all my problems in relative perspective. I push myself to realize that some things just aren't worth t, like whether or not what I did at work made someone mad or not. If it did then oh well it's already happened and I can't change that. If not then I have nothing to worry about anyway. It's simple, some things aren't worth wasting time worrying over. The past is the past and all we can do is adapt and move forward as best we can. Sometimes we need something to force us to slow down, to take that breath. Use nature, it's all around you and already at your fingertips. It costs nothing and returns everything. It can be simple like walking to the store just down the street instead of driving to it or taking a fifteen minute walk through the park with your headphones on. Do something you want, it is supposed to be fun too. 

One of the things I love is seeing the flowers budding and the green growth stemming from all the tree branches around me. A raw example of life and the power of nature, it's beauty on display for all to see. Roses are my favorite, red roses particularly. But I do love all roses, and I love that I get to see them everyday walking in my neighborhood. The old saying about stopping to smell the roses always comes to mind, but then again it is true. I love to just stop and close my eyes and smell a beautiful rose. It's five seconds of pure bliss. Everything melts away and afterwards that rose stays on my glasses to keep me looking at things just a little bit brighter. The next time you are out take a moment and smell a rose, or any beautiful flower you happen to come across. Savor the moment and take in the healing energy Mother Nature is giving you. 

Now that the warm weather is here and the sun is out to warm the stones and grass lizards are almost everywhere. I love it, I used to have a pet lizard. He didn't last too long but I loved him for every second. At least I think it was a him. I wouldn't know. I've always loved lizards, just not snakes. There are lizards out sunbathing on the walkways at work and on the stones lining our daily hiking trail. There are so many, I love just watching them. They are so adaptable, I have always been amazed that they can grow back a tail that gets severed. Amazing. They can climb almost anything too, any surface or terrain. When I see a lizard I tell myself to be a little more lizard like. Take time to bask in the healing sunlight, pause and breathe in this beautiful world around you and learn to adapt to trying and tolling situations with dignity. You know you're able to. We all have it inside of us, it's how we're made and born. Lastly, don't be afraid to go anywhere, even when you're scared out of your mind. Don't be afraid to tackle any surface or brave any terrain. Look at the lizard, another example of the universe showing us that we really can make it. Slow down enough to get the message and see just how much it will change your life. Take a second and go look through the window into the garden. It's beautiful isn't it? Wouldn't you feel better outside? Just five minutes of that fresh air is worth a days problems if you let it empower you. Harness the joy around you and take flight, what is there to wait for? Nothing more rewarding.