Welcome back! It's been quite a few months now, but they were months well spent. Time flew by in what seemed like only a moment and before I knew it some of the biggest milestones in my life had passed before my eyes and I was already moving along to the next one. Of course in the moment, so often, it feels as if time is crawling by at a pace so achingly slow that it's all we can do to make it day to day. The hard part is seeing the big picture well enough to know that the true meaning in life comes from those day to day moments that we so often forget to cherish.
For as long back as I can possibly remember I have always secretly wished for only one thing in my life, something I never thought would come true. Every birthday wish, every shooting star and every lucky penny was spent asking the universe for a single simple thing. I wanted to get married. It's not exactly how it sounds though. I wanted to be married yes, but I wanted it because that would mean that there was a man out there who loved me so much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and would always be there with me. I didn't want to be alone, which is what I felt like so often growing up and even in college. I didn't truly have a real date until I was a sophomore in college. In high school I would quietly sit with my back against my locker and my headphones in while reading a book and looking at the couples all around me from the corners of my eyes. I yearned so bad for something like that, even though I knew these relationships were all temporary and almost meaningless I still wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted. I wanted to feel secure and safe.
Every break up I went through tore me apart, the first one being the worst and most violent - another story for another time. Each one sent me into a manic episode lasting from minutes to days. As I got older and my emotions became stronger it seemed as if the strength of my bi-polar swings became more and more. The need and desire to have that feeling of being loved was stronger than ever. I remember the crushing feeling in my chest that made it feel like I couldn't breathe. I ended up in the hospital a few times, the last time being when they adjusted my meds for the last time to get them much more level. There were a lot of up and downs. A lot. I had to learn to love myself and then how to accept love from someone else. It took a lot of work, time and patience - both from me and my now husband. I say all of this only to show how important this milestone has been in my life. From the moment I met my husband in 2011 I knew that we were connected in a way I had never known or felt and couldn't explain except for the electrifying feelings coursing through my veins. At the time I was dating someone else and he was living with me. I just knew though, I don't know how. Walking him out that first night I remember turning the corner in the hallway and asking myself in my head how I was going to get him back over here again because I had to see him no matter what. He made us take it slow and we stayed friends for months, slowly working on becoming the best friends either of us has ever had. That was the best decision we ever made and why to this day we are still the best of friends.
He proposed when we were visiting my family back in Tennessee, which was perfect, and we got married four years to the day of us meeting in Los Angeles. My wedding was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. The whole time I felt numb from disbelief; was this really happening to me? I expected any and everything to go wrong at any moment, but nothing did. It was perfect. Oddly enough I could't stop grinning throughout the entire ceremony and had giggling fits throughout that I couldn't always hide. I mean, what can I say? I was excited, happy and nervous. I wouldn't have changed a thing. We thought we would have only eight guests or so but we ended up with over twenty and while none of my family could make it my best friend from college was my best man as I had the honor to do for him. It was magical. Right after the ceremony we drove straight to Las Vegas and spent a week there for our honeymoon at the Luxor Hotel & Casino. We had a blast and just enjoyed being together and having fun.
One of the adventures we took while there was a ride on the High Roller Ferris Wheel at midnight in a bar cart. It was a half hour ride in a big fiberglass bubble that went higher than I truly ever wanted to go. I am deathly afraid of heights but I wanted to do something new and exciting that I normally wouldn't. While I did spend the whole time glued to one of the few seats sipping my drink I was able to hold my fear at bay long enough to be awed by the beauty of the city lights and the warmth of my loving husband next to me. I remember sitting there looking out and pushing down that feeling in the pit of my stomach while I tried to focus on picking out different landmarks that I could recognize when it all of a sudden struck me - even though I was scared sh*tless, that didn't mean I couldn't find joy. Like I have always said joy isn't what we have been taught it is; it isn't keeping that smile plastered on your face your whole life and it doesn't mean you can't also feel fear or discouragement or anger at the same time. Besides that, I had the man I had always dreamed of my whole life standing next to me the whole time I was sitting there so scared. Life is a complicated mess of feelings. We just have to find the joy mixed in with everything else and bring it to the surface. We all have our own personal Joy, a limitless joy. Our job in life is to seek out that joy and hold on to it once we find it so that we can live a truly full life. It isn't easy, it takes constant work - but that's life. It's right in front of our eyes, even if obscured or hidden from view. Looking down on the city lights I got to see the city as a whole, the little flaws and marks disappearing from view. I realized then that I could be joyful even with my fear and more than that, it is the principle of joy in life - it's never there just by itself. To have joy we have to have every other piece of the spectrum. Those little things don't look so bad when you take a step back and look at the big picture, even if it's scary to do. Life will never be easy, we have to find our own personal joy in the mess of a life each of us has. Realizing that I finally had every dream I had ever had come true made me see how much I truly have to be joyful for all around me, I just have to open up my eyes. That is our daily job in life. Find your joy, hold on to it and keep it. Then share it. You can't share something you don't have; in order to bring joy into the world and make a difference you first have to find your own joy. That I think should be our newly christened theme for our return:
"Find Your Joy & Share It!"
What does that mean to you? Share!
