Simple Tool #2 - Repeating Doorways In The Peace Under The Bridge

After moving to a new home one of the most important things I must do is find my peaceful spot. I need that one spot, somewhere away from the apartment and away from all my worries and anxieties and fears. When I first moved to California I lived in Venice and my favorite escape wasn't so much a place as the act of doing something in that place. I used to love driving, driving for hours in any direction just for the sake of getting lost and having fun; I wanted to explore. That was what I did in Venice and Venice Beach, drive around every little side street, alley, park and even down the coast following the beautiful beaches. I loved the smell of the salt in the air, it was so refreshing. When I was there I reminded myself that I really was here in California. I had made it here and I was living my dream. I really did have a lot to be happy about and proud of. I needed to remind myself of that a lot to keep myself  motivated when I wanted to give up in those times of trial. It had meaning for me.

After I moved to the valley a few years later I found the most beautiful park I had seen in such a long time. It was owned by the city so it was well manicured, clean and taken care of. There were so many trees, and so many different kinds too. There were paths everywhere and places to sit and play or eat and cook out. It was at the base of a few mountains, towering high over the open grass fields and flowering trees and bushes. When the sun was out it was like everything just came to life, so vibrant and so beautiful. It was my heaven when I was there, my escape. Now I still live in the valley but a little farther west, closer to the city. I have to say I do like it a lot here, even though my park isn't here. There are other parks though that are still beautiful and nice. The nice trail around the golf course is always one of my favorites or even the trail over the dam where you can see down onto the freeway. The Wildlife Preserve is my favorite because of how natural and raw it still is and how teeming with life it always seems. There are rabbits, ducks, geese, fish, huge frogs, big turtles, birds of every shape, size and song and so many more. It really is a beautiful place and I try to go there as many times a week as I possibly can.

Like it's gigantic neighbor Griffith Park, looming over vast mountains and ravines, Balboa Park seems almost just as huge. It's spread out and connects to parks on either side. Most importantly it is well taken care of and the wildlife preserve really is preserved. There are so many spots in that park that I love but there is one in particular that I love the most. The one spot that brings me peace. Whenever we are walking I always try to steer my partner in the direction of the tunnel under the road to another part of the park. Walking underneath it is like having the world just disappear. You can feel it as the sound suddenly stops and all you hear is the slow movement of the water and the sound of the birds and other creatures waiting outside. I love that feeling when the sound first breaks because it's like running into a wall of padding. The stillness is haunting yet satisfyingly comforting. The water has spilled over it's former shallows and enveloped pools formed around the concrete that seems as if it is just melting away. It is almost like a nostalgic feeling of stopping and seeing someone from a time lost playing in the water or drinking a beer with their friends. A weird, yet calming, feeling of hope and peace. 

Walking out toward the sunshine on the other side I am always happy to feel the warmth but heartbroken to let go of the seductive ache that always clasps around my heart when I walk through that beautiful space. Under that bride it is like a different world. Looking up and out over the river you can see through the pillars as if through a concrete maze whose walls were crumbling. It is like seeing doorways just repeating over and over, alternating so that it seems that when they are viewed from just the right alignment a series of interlocking doors have opened, all waiting for you to step through and see what's on the other side. That wonder, along with the ache, is more haunting than any ghost or spirit. That is my peaceful place right now, my refuge from the storm that is my own mind. I try to go there every day with my partner and sometimes even with little Miss Stormborn. On the days I get off work a little late we just go to one of the neighborhood parks down the street. But when I get to go visit my spot, when I get the chance to let go, the feeling of being free is so comforting it's almost addicting. We should all have someplace to comfort us. Yes there are always many places that mean many different things to all of us, but there is that one spot that really just captures you and your heart. One that encapsulates what it is that you are and what you are feeling. Only you know what that spot is, no one else. It can be the view of the wall when your sitting on the ground with your back against your bed or the view from the back patio of the house you are renting. It can be the graveyard where your loved one is buried or the park near the mall because of all the tall trees around the glistening lake. It's a challenge, finding your spot. Don't put too much thought into it though, let it just happen. When you find your spot hold on to it and use it. Use it like a battery to recharge your joy tanks. It's like a never ending supply of hope and strength. Seek it when you need comfort and use it to shelter yourself from the storms that life brings your way. Find your spot, it will help you find your joy as it strips away the distractions around  you and brings you back down to earth. 

Finding Joy In The Peace of Others

Saturday, finally here, woo hoo! Admit it, most of us spend the whole week looking forward to the weekend, or our days off. The freedom is intoxicating. Of course I am always on call but that's ok, most of the time I don't get any major nursing problems. I love my job and I don't mind coming in when I am needed, but sometimes I do just want a whole day to myself after working the craziest and longest hours for the past two weeks. Today I got a call at almost 10am asking when I was going to go in to the office to fill out the Incident Report that needed to be sent in. Of course after that I couldn't rest or go back to sleep or even relax. I got up, showered, got dressed and my partner made me some coffee on my way out the door. On the way there, and back for that matter, I listened to fun music. I listened to music that I loved, that put me in a good mood. Music from the past is always the best. The memories associated with certain songs can be as strong over the years as the ones made last night when you went out with friends. I just forced myself to relax by focusing on only what I was doing at that moment and I kept reminding myself that it was only one small thing I had to do and then I could go home. Of course it went by in a quick hour and I enjoyed myself. It really took me only a few minutes to write it all out and I got to visit with the guys at the house, the staff there and even my administrator. The sunny ride home was relaxing and seemed to go by pretty fast not thinking about it. When I got home I changed and got a Red Bull and we decided to go for a walk. I had the rest of the day to enjoy and do something, why sit around upset because I had to go to something when not only did I have the time and weather to have an amazing day but I also had someone who loved me and actually wanted to spend their time with me. Whenever I can make myself calm down and realize that fact I always feel better.
We scooped up little Miss Daenerys and got in the truck to go to the park. On the way we had to get gas because the light was on. Upon turning the first corner from the apartment Dany got excited and kicked my tropical Red Bull onto the floor and out of my lap. It of course spilled most of it's contents onto my lap, my leg and the floor. She jumped up scared and climbed into the backseat. Needless to say I was stupidly upset and frustrated. I didn't say anything the whole way to the gas station because I was fuming and I just wanted to scream. Why couldn't everything just go right? While I was pumping gas my partner cleaned the spilled drink and when I wasn't looking he even snuck inside and bought me a new Red Bull and got a bottle of water. I kind of had to just swallow my pride there and give in. I thanked him and forced myself to forget about the sticky situation. I couldn't believe that someone had done that for me, just because they knew I was upset about something. I mean I guess I can believe it, but it still catches me off guard every time. This is why I am in love.
We enjoyed our walk at the park and had fun with our little girl. It is always so refreshing to be out in the sun, especially among all the trees. I got to watch Miss Stormborn chase the million squirrels playing in the grass and the trees. She had just as much fun as we did. Of course she pooped herself out and had to be carried back to the truck. She enjoyed every second of it, don't be fooled. I know her tricks, my partner just gives in to her cuteness more than I do. After getting home we collapsed onto the bed to watch something funny on television and bask in the coolness of the air conditioner. Dany curled right up between us and before we were even settled she was fast asleep in bed. I sat up and just watched her, slowly breathing in and out with her eyes closed and her body curled up relaxed. She slept through the sound of the camera on the phone and me moving around to get the perfect view. She was completely out of it, poor thing. Her peaceful face just made my heart ache. Watching her there I didn't want to move at all. I could have stared at her for hours. As she calmed me down and settled my mind and heart I realized that it didn't matter if I had to go to work today for a little bit. It didn't matter that I would probably get called in tomorrow to admit a client back from the hospital. It didn't matter that I felt like all I was doing was working. I had a partner who would go out of his way to make me feel better and give me what I wanted when I screw up. Well, I have a partner. I am very lucky and there should never be a moment in time when I don't feel like I will always have someone there to back me up, even if I can't always see him. If Miss Stormborn could have the time of her life in the sun and then come home and collapse then why couldn't I let go of all the stupid things worrying me and enjoy the valuable time I keep wishing I had more of? Watching her sleep there, with my love in the background, I realized that those things didn't matter. Life is what is happening right now, when we are too busy planning and thinking to really see it and enjoy it. Today I found peace in the two loves of my life. Their being at peace and enjoying their lives joyfully gave me the support I needed to do the same. I just have to stop holding on to pain, stress and anxiety. All I ever want is more time to be with those I love, so why not take the time I do have and make the most of it?

Light Up Your Night

There's no reason to be afraid of the dark, but I still am anyway. I don't know why but ever since I was little I've been afraid of the dark. Not so much afraid of the dark as afraid of being alone and not knowing what's happening around me. I was one paranoid child, and it's only gotten more intense since I've grown up. I have a crazy insane imagination and every time I am in total darkness I start seeing all the movie characters and people and things I am afraid of lurking just beyond the shadow. I know they aren't there but my mind can't resist the notion that they could be. They could be and I would never see them coming. Needless to say I have always needed some form of light when I'm sleeping at night. In total darkness I'm too afraid to sleep and too afraid to move, even just to turn onto my side. Just like how I can't stand total silence. I prolong my breaths and lay dead still, so afraid that I'll make some noise. I do it even when I'm alone, I really don't know who I am afraid of waking. Maybe it's just the idea of startling awake something in the shadows just beyond. I always have to have sound, even if all I have is the fan or air conditioner running. Now I use my sleep machine on my iPhone every night with rain, whales and sometime a zen melody. The point is I have always had to have that light and sound at night or I would be so frightened that I wouldn't move or dare fall asleep. The darkness is a scary thing, and it will always be there. We can be rest assured that darkness returns every evening and stays until sunrise. Most of us have learned by now that darkness lurks in the niches and corners of our lives, sometimes even just shadows cast by trauma and fear. We can't avoid it, but we can at least learn to adapt and give ourselves some peace of mind. I use my night lights and I use my rain. If I don't have anything else I'll plug in my portable charger and just have the bright light from the charge indicators. I always have a way to have some light and sound, and when for some reason I don't I sleep fitfully and fretfully. When you encounter fear or weaknesses you must learn to adapt. Find a way to either address the issue or figure out how to get around it. You can always leave the bathroom light on and door cracked. We have to be creative. Make it personal. It is about you after all. Cope with it, there isn't any other choice because we have no control over the past. Our worst enemy is ourselves. We let ourselves be miserable and we allow ourselves to cower in fear. We hold ourselves back out of exaggerated fear and inflated ideas. That's when I do dumb things like lie awake all night in fear or dreading the coming night because of the terror I felt. I make my life hell. I have to learn to stop that, but it's really hard to do. The lights and things are just one way I take a little bit of control for myself and my comfort and it makes me feel better. It really is the little things. 

What are you afraid of? Roaches, maybe? How about every time you see one you do the same routine thing to back you away from your fear. Take two steps back and if it's still crawling towards you then one step to the left. Something silly that works, that makes you feel better. That's how you can start working to overcome fear. Let me tell you about my new nightlight. I remembered the other day that IKEA had these really cute little night lights right in the kid's section near the escalator. So earlier this week my partner and I made a night run to the store and I picked one up. I don't care if it's for kids, it's adorable and it's perfect. It provides just enough light and it turns from blue to green and back again. It's actually kind of soothing. I use it every night and I love it. It looks like a little white mouse with blue eyes and ears. I'm still trying to come up with a name for him. Maybe Conquerer. That sounds kinda cool. To conquer my fear. Perfect. Figure out what you fear, what you allow to take advantage of you. Once you do, find a way to beat it or get around it. There's always an answer out there, even if it takes a long time to find. Here's the key: never give up. Be your own light in the night. 

Finding Joy In The Unknown & Unexpected

Flexibility. Adaptability. Remaining calm and in control. Professional. I have always had problems with these. Always, it's like a disease that has plagued me forever. Something I am constantly working to fix and learn to control. Learning how to control my feelings has taken me quite a long time and there are still many times where I lose that control. But I do my best, that's all I can do. That and I just keep trying. Trying to control my reactions to sudden change of any kind is very difficult for me. When I am caught off guard it's like all my walls, good and bad, align to momentarily open a path right for the heart. When something sudden happens I, most of the time, don't have my partner with me to help control my emotions. I am left up to my own devices, and it's something I could still use some help with. Everyday I keep trying, it's the only thing to do.

Catching me off guard is like triggering pent up lava and just watching for the explosion, whether outwards or inwards. It's the one thing I would change about myself if I could. I am learning to control stress in my day to day life and I am doing much better now than I was ten years ago. My weakness, that I am at least aware of, is when I get surprised. I don't deal well at all. At work I am mostly under control but there are times when things spring up or something doesn't go the way it was supposed to and I pretty much freak out. It's not as bad as it is at home, but I tend to start talking really fast and really loud as I get more excited. The worst part is that I don't even notice when I'm doing it. People think I am responding with anger when I am only trying to talk or answer a question, but since I am pumped up with adrenaline I don't realize how I talk. Afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I feel terrible. Terrible. It bothers me for days and I hate it. That's not me. I don't want people to think it is. I also don't want to jeopardize a job I love because I don't realize how worked up I can get. 

At home it is even worse. Sometimes there's not even a reason for my explosions. Sometimes there's a trigger and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I hate not being able to always control myself. I hate the way I talk to my partner, especially when he is trying to go out of his way to take care of me and look out for me. I don't deserve the way he cares for me. But I also know that without him I would not be able to survive. I would not be able to cope. People like me need people like him. But I also have to learn to treat the people I love, who are taking their time to care for me, with more kindness. I hope he knows I don't mean it, I never do. I have to work though to constantly show him that I am not that person and that I am able to change. Not just for me, but for him and us. 

Even small things in life that pop up, like having to schedule a doctor's appointment or making a call to the insurance company, are overwhelming. The smallest things make me stress and overreact. I get overwhelmed and I can't handle it. The surprise and shock are too much for me. It flips my switch. Without my partner I wouldn't be able to do things like going to the store, paying bills, picking up medicine and on and on. Even going to a doctor's appointment is most of the time enough to get me going. The point is, I don't handle it well right now and it's not healthy. It's not good for me. It makes me miserable and unhappy. The only thing I know to do is practice and work at it with the people who support me. I don't know what else there is. I have to learn how to handle this better, and I have to hold on to that tightly. 

Slowly I am improving and getting better. Last night I was at the pharmacy and my credit card was acting up and there was a long line and I was frustrated. When I went back outside to use my phone my partner came with me. I could feel the fumes boiling underneath but I held it down. I could feel the part of me that wanted to snap or be angry or say something mean because I was so frustrated and felt like I couldn't handle all these changes and sudden occurrences. Instead I talked to my partner with a calm even tone and explained to him what happened and what I was doing. It was hard swallowing it down and keeping it there but afterwards I felt so much better. I didn't have that horrific guilt of treating my soul mate and best friend with contempt and annoyance. I never want to feel that again, and I don't want him to either. It was a small silly step, but to me it was a major victory that showed me that I could do it. It will be hard and take hard work but I can do it. That's all I need, to know I can get there. Of course I'll have my support and my best friend to help carry me when I need it. It's a battle, but one I have to fight to keep my sanity and joy. A fight I cannot back down from anymore. 

Life is like stairs , they are always going to curve around a bend or corner to continue on into shadow, into the unknown. Even when the horizon is straight ahead with nothing but open fields around us the road still disappears into the distance. Because of that unknown we have to always be prepared for the stairs to suddenly turn left or right or up or down as soon as we turn around the looming corner. Or it could keep going smoothly. The point is we can't know. Moreso there are potholes and bumps in the road that we don't see until we have fallen victim to them. How we respond to those inevitable accidents decides how much joy we allow in our lives. It's up to us how we weather this tough and surprising road, this precarious journey. Grab life by the horns and demand the joy you want and deserve. Be ready for the twists and turns in life, that's when you're joy is tested the most. Stay strong, stay committed, stay joyful. 

The Curving Archways Towering Overhead

Besides walking through doors and grabbing at opportunity, we pass under a countless number of arches in our lifetimes. By hard work and dedication you can influence where your pathway leads and through which archways you pass through. We will always pass underneath those curved and vaulted ceilings, it is just a part of life. We can't always bask in the warm glow of the sun. Then again they can protect us from the wintery cold, and after too long in the heat everyone needs a break. The shade they provide can give us a respite and chance to heal and reflect or it can be a place of dark depression and isolation. It is up to us whether we are joyful or not. 

The difference between a door and an archway is the amount of resistance we get back. A door can be closed, whether locked or open. Running into that door can slow you down a lot. Even the doors that are open to us aren't always open all the way, it takes some effort on our part as well. This slows us down and takes time. With an archway there is no resistance, just an opening to be thrown or swept through. 

Many times we end up stumbling or falling through without even realizing we are passing underneath anything at all. Think of those stone archways you've seen, they are everywhere. There are the famous ones like the one in Paris and there are the normal ones that seem to blend in with everyday life. Archways are everywhere, even in nature. Maybe it's the strength of it's shape or the way it seems to grow organically as two living things become one. Nature tends to make it's own archways in it's journey of growth. Natural arches are my favorite, they are so beautiful because they are so thriving, organic and living. Nature can seem to come together to form tunnels as well. What is a tunnel if not an arch extending onward? If you have ever been in a tunnel, whether a small one made by someone you know or a huge one excavated and outfitted for the public's interaction and pleasure by the parks department, think about the ceiling of the tunnel. Nine times out of ten it is curved, just like the top of an arch. The strength of the arch is repeatedly used throughout history and still continues to be used today. I love campuses and college universities; I graduated Summa Cum Laude from the University of Tennessee. There are stone arches everywhere, ranging in size from the outdoor passageway between two of the buildings on the hill to the arches repeated infinitely together around the football stadium, both at ground level and on top overlooking and towering over the university down below. Arches are, for some reason, pleasing to the eye and the heart as it both relaxes us and puts as more at peace. Often, as nature slowly but surely grows, natural arches are formed and then strengthened. Nature utilizes the shape of the arch to it's advantage, we should at least be doing that. Take a look at the world around you, really stop and look for just a minute or two. See the hidden arches around you, even the ones that only you see. When you walk through an arch think about how strong it is, how natural and affirming it can be no matter what it is made of. Take some of that strength for yourself, draw upon the healing powers of the natural and organic world around you. Arches are strong because they can also provide shelter. Their roots hold them strong and the columns of the bases kiss each other high above their origin as two things grow upwards and forwards together. 

When two people face each other and extend their arms to make an arch it forces each of them to stand up straight and lift up their shoulders slightly. Your arms have to go up and forward. Look at a friendship between two people. In order to form a strong arch together that helps both of you by making each stronger, you have to raise yourself up. That's the only way you can have that strength. Friendships that just keep you going or those that you don't really care too much about are never going to come together to form archways. Friendships that bring you down, tear at who you are and cast your gaze away, are the ones that will never form archways. They will never be strong. Why would you waste your time with something that not only hurts you but will continue to do so as the world turns and you grow on?A good friendship between two people, two columns, is made stronger when both reach out to one another as they both grow up and onward through time. Two arms on each side extended towards each other, lifted up and curved so as to fit together enough to be able to lean on the other completely. 

Examine your relationships and your views and stances. What do you see? Can you even see what's there? That's the first goal. Once you see what is right in front of you, you can make a choice to either do something about it or just sit back and let it happen. Are your friends or loved ones toxic for you? Do they make you a stronger person or do they drag you down time and time again? Those are the ones we want to get rid of, or at least step away from. And we can tell them why if they ask, I've been in this spot a few times and in the end the honesty was what held everything together. You have to protect yourself and look out for where you are going, yes we can help others but if we do not help ourselves we are of no value to anyone at all. The next time you go for a walk or the next time you are driving to work glance around you every now and then and see if you see any arches around you. Whether in the building or on the billboard or in the design of the car, see what you can find. Do you see arches in the world around you? Where? What are they? Can't find any? Take a deep breath, relax and let loose your mind. Take five minutes in the car or on your daily walk and don't think about anything else except what you are hearing and seeing around you. Most of us have to force ourselves to take a hard look because we are too stubborn and too busy to admit it on our own. Don't let yourself get so caught up; free your heart and mind. Try it today, take a look. While you're at it think about this, if a tunnel is nothing more than an archway extending into the distance then when we hit a roadblock do you think that the strongest arches we have will push us through instead of around our problems in life as they guide us forward in order to create a tunnel for us to pass through?

Springtime, Making Room For Fresh Growth

It's that time of year again, spring is here. It seems as if spring ended only a few weeks ago. Time flies as life goes on, I always heard but never believed that. Until I grew up. But it is now time to brush off the cobwebs, stand up, stretch your muscles and get back to life. As time changes it pushes us into longer days and warmer nights. Buds start to appear on the trees and slowly grow until flowering open a few weeks later. The street is lined with tall pines and eucalyptus trees and so many more types that I can't even name that over the last few weeks I've gotten to watch the trees come back to life and flower right before my very eyes. The sea of green is littered with flowers of every color, all gently waving in the wind. It's always so amazing to watch what seems like a dead tree slowly bring itself back to life and fill out with color.

It's the perfect time to evaluate yourself and where you're at and what you're doing. It must be something in the air, in the warm afternoon breeze that feels so good. The fresh smell lingering in the air is so refreshing. Everyone does spring cleaning of their closets and clothing, but what about our lives? Isn't that more important anyway? All of us have our dark corners filled with secrets, pain and memories. Everyone carries anxiety, doubt and fear with them, slowly letting it build up and shade your view of the world around you today. There is no need to carry all of that excess baggage with you through life. Those things that have hurt you in the past can now only hurt you if you give them permission. Clean out your closets and make room for something else. The more you allow to build up the more you weigh yourself down with unnecessary stress and worry. Don't let yourself be weighed down with this burden. You don't have to open up to someone else, but you have to at least be honest with yourself. We all owe that to ourselves.
I love springtime because everywhere you look it's like the whole world is fresh and clean. Like a breath of fresh air after the stale winter air you learn to grow accustomed to. Of course we aren't the only ones who get going when the warm weather moves in. The animal world starts to buzz and swarm, coming to life all around us. Whether it's the squirrels playing around the trees or the return of the opossum who used to visit every night we can find comfort in the living and thriving world around us. Nature is harsh and cruel and if the tiny clovers in the field next to the dam and the sprouting palm trees in the cracks of the sidewalk can thrive through such dangerous obstacles then we should be able to weather anything. After all, most of us have food to eat and somewhere to sleep, and if you're reading this then some electronic device of some kind. We are so lucky. There are so many people in the world who have no idea what a cell phone is or how one works. Remembering that, we can be grateful for the things we enjoy each and every day. It reminds me of the beetle I saw the other day when we were hiking. The sun was bright and warm and the ground held the heat well. In the path the beetle was digging away trying to either find something or make himself a nest. For a minute or two I just stood there and watched it, going at it like no one else was there. He was so determined, so driven. There was one task he had to do and he was doing just that. I almost envied him, the dedication to keep going through the heat and being tired. He was in danger though, as everything is in nature; except that his world was full of much more death and ways to accomplish such. He was working so hard like that because he knows that at any moment a bird can land right next to him, a dog run by and catch a glance, a rock might crumble and fall as it's crossing the dam or someone walking by could accidentally step on it without even knowing it were there. How depressing. But then again isn't the same true for us? There are an infinite number of things out there that can harm and kill us, we are pretty much always vulnerable to something. That's life. That's the world we live in. But to see it on such a scale made me pause. Looking down I saw how small that little beetle was; I saw how small his problem was compared to the expanse of trees and bushes in every direction. To him it looked so urgent, so consuming. In reality the world lived on a much grander scale. Looking down I felt like that little bug was all these things I've been stressing about and worrying over. I haven't been able to see the forest through the trees as it were. Letting go of all these little things that I have no control over and aren't worth my time anyway is the one thing that will free me enough to see the bigger picture and realize I am a lot more joyful than I first thought. After stopping my partner from stepping on it I headed out with him down the path, leaving my little friend to his worries and letting him slip from my mind. If only I could do that with everything else on my mind. That's the point though, to try and do just that. 

The other day my partner decided to take little Miss Stormborn on a walk just as I was leaving for work. I decided to take a few minutes and go with them. What better way to start off the day? Turning one of the corners he stopped and bent over to pick something up off the sidewalk. He showed me four of the smallest little flowers that had all fallen from the tree overhead. They were so small and delicate but also beautiful and wonderous. What's more, there were hundreds of them all over the sidewalk. As I was sitting in my truck getting ready to head out he leaned in the open window and placed the four of them on the dashboard for my drive. It made me grin so big. Driving to work, every time I looked down, I couldn't help but smile again. It served as a good reminder to me to not take things too seriously and to stop and take the time to not just smell but see the flowers. Something much easier said than done. Something I still need to be constantly reminded of. It worked, he made me smile and helped me start my day with hope and love and laughter instead of anxiety, dread or fear. The world is growing around us and we can build off of its growth ourselves if we take the time to just look. Growing means changing and changing means learning new ways to look at the world. Look at the world you have built around you. Do you like what you see? Are you thriving in your environment? Are you taking advantage of every opportunity available to you? Or do we all just kick it like a bug in a dirt pile and get so lost in the stress we create for ouselves that we lose sight of what's really real and beautiful, love and hope and courage and strength? Don't give up, keep going and pursue the path of joy. Well it's really more just the path in life that you choose lined with joy instead of hate. More than control over your life, you have control over yourself. So do something. Spring is here and the sun is shining. Time to grow. 

A Dam Hard Time

One of the hardest things to gain in life is perspective. Most of the control over how we view the world is our own, although there are other factors involved as well. Other influences that distort our reality and perception. These distractions are both a part of life and creatures of our own invention. When we get angry, anxious, upset, depressed and whatever else it's like we are putting on different colored sunglasses. Like the ones that make everything look blue, or the ones with the added red tinting. After wearing them for a while taking them off is a shock for a second because you see that reality is much different than the way you viewed it through shaded lenses. The dangerous part is when we are wearing glasses and can't even tell. This is often how it unfolds because when you have anger, depression or anxiety controlling how you look at the world it often blinds you to it's power by consuming your every thought. We have to remain strong and diligent. We have to be careful and stay constantly vigilant in our search for joy. Don't let emotions control your every move and every decision. For me this is one of the hardest things to do. But the first step is waking up and realizing when you aren't seeing straight. Then you can start to do something about it. On our hike today we went over and around the Sepulveda Dam here in the valley. I love the concrete architecture, the grand scale and the stark contrast between the massive structure and the sprawling meadow and grasslands. I went up right next to the dam and took a panoramic picture. When I saw it on my phone it stopped me for a second. The dam was there but the perspective had been warped, as if wrapped around an invisible sphere. As the picture stretched on it straightened out and became normal again. From my spot the perspective was warped, my spot. It reminded me how so often I let my feelings and emotions control me and how I react to situations. Without seeing it I cause my own anxiety and misery. I'm the only one who can change my perspective back to normal. What blinds you? What burdens and emotions control your feelings and direction? Face them, even if you can't find the perfect way to fight them yet the first step is to stop and realize just how skewed your vision has become. 

Brush Yourself Off

I made it through today; a small yet noble victory for me. With our licensing survey finishing at work, potential clients visiting, investigations, appointments and so much more I thought I was going to lose it today. On this ten hour day I really believed my nerves were going to just burn themselves out. Of course I had my partner coaching me along through iMessage all day long. I made a decision on my own though to throw it all out the window. I literally took all day today minute by minute. I only made sure all the paperwork was done and then just started in with no hesitations, look backs or flash forwards. It was like every minute hit the restart button. I have been trying to do this for years and I have never been able to truly master it before now. Maybe it was because of the stress, my support, my situation or a combination of all three. Whatever it was, I took it and ran. I used that fuel to keep me going today when all I wanted to do was give up and collapse in the corner. I know it will still be difficult but now I know that I can do it. No excuses. 

I don't know how it happened. I just know that it worked. You have to just push those thoughts and worries out of your mind. You already know they aren't realistic anyway, it's just too hard to push them away. So take it one minute at a time. Literally. Just focus on what you have to do right now and don't think about anything else. I realized today that by doing that you not only prevent yourself from a lot of pain and anguish but you also allow yourself to truly live. Live life in the moment the way it is meant to be lived and enjoyed. In life spiderwebs are everywhere, in the corners, the bushes or the trees. They spring up overnight and can tangle us up without us even seeing what's happening. Those twisted traps are made sticky, so as to cling on and suck the life right from us. It's up to us to admit when we are caught and have the integrity and courage to brush ourselves off and keep going like normal. Because it is normal. Life is normal, because there isn't such thing as normal. Life is random and crazy and wild and unpredictable. We have to keep our eyes open and guard up so that when those problems blindly try to tear us down we can see them for what they are and move on. There will always be spiderwebs. Everyday a new one, or maybe two new ones. The more we let things bother us the more those cobwebs build up until we have wrapped ourselves in our own cocoon of misery. Stop it before it happens, stop it when you feel it starting and get rid of the cobwebs caught up in your hair and on your leg and everywhere else. Brush it off and keep going. There isn't any other choice except misery. Do you have any cobwebs stuck to you, demons you are carrying around? Take a second and really think. You can make your life better, easier, more productive and more joyful. The choice is yours.

Making A List & Checking It Twice

I sat down this weekend and made a list of all of the things on my mind. I had so much going on and was so stressed out I could hardly think let alone attempt to write anything substantial. Start simple, write it out item by item and then go through and find a way to fix each thing. Then every worry will be taken care of and there will be no other choice left except to live life. So, let's go.
1. Work - Investigation

There's nothing I can do now. I told the truth and that is that. I did the right thing. Besides, sitting around now and worrying about it won't help or change anything. So I just have to keep going, at work and at home, and not think about it. No matter how hard it may be. I have to. It's the only way to save my sanity.
2. Work - Licensing

Two days down and only one day left. That first day the woman got a little stern with me, raising her voice to tell me not to interrupt her and when I apologized saying it again even louder. Oh my god, I was horrified. I couldn't believe it. For days afterward I was still upset about it, afraid she would write something about it in her report or mention it to the director above us. It's been driving me crazy. But the second day she was much calmer and nicer. I answered all her questions to her satisfaction. Whether it was what she wanted to hear or not I do not know. All I can do is relax tomorrow and make sure everything is in order in the charts for Tuesday. I've done all the work the way I was supposed and when I was supposed to and it's all filed in the charts. I just have to breathe and relax and keep a cool head. I can do that. The more I stress out now and worry the more likely I am going to be to screw up. Relax, breathe, forget about it and focus on what I'm doing right now.
3. Two Car Accidents
Well, what can I even say about this? The first small one that caused hardly any damage is pending as the owner said he was going to get a quote to fix it himself so we could just get it done. I am waiting to see how much that is going to cost now, dreading it more like it. I seriously can't afford anything over maybe a couple hundred dollars. What am I going to do? I don't have enough to pay off my credit card bills. The second one is going through the insurance and the only thing I have to worry about there is phone calls wanting details, having to get a quote on my truck and paying the deductible if I want (which I won't) and just waiting for the inevitable rise in insurance rates again. Because I didn't get a ticket or anything I don't see how it could get anything on my license but I guess I will see. Again, what am I going to do now anyway?
4. Bills & Credit Cards & Debt & Savings
Bills will get paid on time even if things are tight, they always are on time with no troubles except my own worry. I have help if I get myself into a desperate enough situation to warrant it. Credit cards will just have to take payment after payment of the minimum and sometimes a little more. It feels like I am never getting ahead but all I am going to do is keep paying and not using it and see what I can accomplish. My debt is there whether I want it or not and just like the credit cards they will get paid in time. I have some in my savings now, if I want more then I just need to cut back on other things and instead place that money in my savings account. It's all up to me to just do it if I want it done.
5. Health & Healthcare
I have two diseases but I am doing well,  I take my meds and I cope with things. I take it day by day. Sometimes even making it to the lab at Kaiser enough time before my doctor's appointment to get my blood results back is too much for me to take on. My partner sees that and he really steps up and helps me when I feel lost and confused and anxious. I have him to lean on to help me with this burden, it is not just mine to deal with on my own. I do also have my family who love and support me.
6. Learning to be myself in my relationship, and making us both happy
Stop thinking, just do it. The more you think about it the more you are going to screw it up.
7. Learning to be joyful when the world turns to ash
Isn't that why I am doing this? Making myself focus on the joyful and positive in life. Today I have just taken it literally moment by moment with the help of my partner through text messages. Without him to help me pace myself I would have been too overwhelmed to make it through more than a few hours. I wasn't going to fall apart, I'm not going to. I used the help I had and will have. He is my guardian angel.
I could feel everything brooding and swirling in the back of my mind all day but I had to just ignore it. Acknowledge that it is there, there is no point in wasting energy pretending something isn't there when it is. Then just push it back, put a blanket over it and watch it out of the corner of your eye. I forced myself to focus on exactly what I was doing and look, I made it through. After work we went on another two-and-a-half mile hike at the Sepulveda Dam Basin & Wildlife Refuge. I absolutely love it there, it's beautiful and it feels like you have left Los Angeles and have been transported to a beautiful sprawling forested area with lakes and wild flowers and bushes of every kind, each teeming with life. Walking along the ridge of the dam I was trying to get myself to stop being so stressed and upset. All of a sudden it hit me so hard I felt like an idiot. Just like I've said, joy means accepting the bad in life and working to focus on and spreading the good. That was what I needed to do; I had the answer the whole time. I began to think about each thing I was worried about and in my head I literally turned the image around and tried to see how I had been reacting negatively and how to look at it in another light. It can be hard, it always will be. That's how life is and there is nothing we can do about it. Just keep those reminders to stay joyful, to look at the silver linings and not to get lost in all the clutter and static. Do it for yourself, you'll thank yourself later.
So take everything that's troubling you and write it down, make a list. Do it right now, it shouldn't take too long. When you are done go back through the list item by item and think about why these things are bothering you and how you are causing your own misery by giving yourself nothing but the negative to live with. Look at each worry on that list and think about the good that is there as well or how you can't change it but you can cause it to go better by choosing to respond with a positive attitude and a willingness to learn and grow. Make your list, check it twice; if you can't find a positive way to deal with anything on that list ask for some help, some ideas. We are all in this together. 

Seeing The Joy Through The Mud

This week I haven't really written as much; as I have mentioned before there is a lot going on at work - a lot more than normal. My partner is out of town; it's just me and little Miss Stormborn. There's the harassment investigation that it still out at work, it's been over two weeks now. A slow tedious two weeks it has been. I just want it all to be over with so that I can move on and just forget about it. I've learned what I needed to and now I can move on. Part of being joyful is being able to let go of the negative influences in our lives. It has been extremely hard this week and I have spent most of the week pulled down as if through mud, getting even more slippery as time goes by. I felt stuck to the ground and I didn't even want to try to get up again. I just wanted to lie there, too tired to care. No matter how hard I tried or attempting forcing my thoughts on happy things I couldn't shake it. I wasn't eating hardly anything at all. I only got a few hours of sleep each night, and that sleep was riddled with nightmares and dark ominous thoughts. I had bags under my eyes and people around me could tell there was something going on. Of course I always said that I was fine, nothing was happening, but in reality I felt like I had gone back to being eighteen when I was first diagnosed with bi-polar and when all hell broke loose in every single aspect of my life. That was the feeling I hated the most, like I was having to relive the most horrific times of my life and that they could be returning. I don't know how, it has taken all week, but I am much closer to being able to push forward than I have been. Not having someone here to help me, listen to me, keep me on track, tell me what to do, hold my hand, do certain things for me and on and on, it was really hard on me. I started to finally realize just how hard my partner's life really is. He has given up so much for me and sacrificed even more, but he tells me every day that he doesn't care because he loves me. He does so much for me and takes care of me in every way. Without him I would be stuck back where I was before, not able to understand or do anything in life. I would like to think that I could survive without him, I mean I am sure I could learn how to cope somehow if I must, but I know that I wouldn't be able to function. People like me need people like him. We finish each other's thoughts and sentences for a reason, we lean on one another enough to make us actually one person. I do feel guilty most of the time, but I also know that because of all he does and keeps doing I am able to do the things I am able to. I can be stable, I can hold down a job, I can pay the bills, I can make phone calls, I can go shopping, I can get groceries, I can cook, I can even clean up the apartment. All of that because he knows how to help me be me when I don't know and can't see how. With him being gone this week it has really opened my eyes. I have been so down and dragging and missed him so much, but what I seemed to forget was that love is not bound by time or space. The amount that he loves me here is the same that he loves me when he's standing in New York and I in Paris. That love has to be held on to and cherished. All kinds of love, this just happens to be the guiding love and stabling element of my life. I have been carrying my stone heart and wearing the infinity and friendship bracelets all week long, never taking them off and putting it down only to shower. It helped me a lot today actually. The point is I let go of the one thing that keeps me strong. He can't help me from afar if I am not willing and able to receive his guidance. It is hard on my own, most of the time I feel incapable, but all it takes is a reach out and he will be there to grab my hand. Treasure those who love you, who save you and who carry you. Without their love we would be nowhere. All we have is each other in this life and on this earth. Make the best of it, get all the joy that you possibly can out of it. Be thankful for the people who come along for the journey and be happy for the ones who tested you and gave you the opportunity to grow. We wouldn't be who we are today without the interactions with others that we have had in our past. Become a positive force and cause your interactions to result in positive growth and change. That part of life is under our control.
This week I was reminded about the harshness of life. I was challenged and tested and did only so-so.   Have I learned anything? Yes, one more step than I knew last time. I may not know my way yet but as I go I will pave it step by step with the confidence, love and joy that are in my heart. Thank you to my loving partner who has given up so much to help me lead a better life. Thank you to all the loving people out there who make sacrifices everyday for those you love, especially those suffering from a mental illness. It can be a terrifyingly hard thing to cope with, but with love and support anything can be overcome. When times get down, which they will, focus on the good, keep on pushing and look to those around you that love you and who will lift you up instead of tear you down. What keeps you going and how? Tell them how much you appreciate them. Like me, with out infinity bracelets and me just loving the idea and concept of it, the infinity sign has become a little representation of our love. When I see it in nature I stop, laugh and smile because I am reminded of the universality of the symbol of never-endedness. I started telling him that I loved him infinity, but that didn't roll off the tongue quite right. What did I do? "I love you to infinity & beyond!" Be silly, be goofy, have fun and focus on the joyful part of life. Be strong.

Open Your Eyes to the Joy Curled Up Right Next To You

Look around you, look closely. It's easy to see the love and joy around us if we only take a moment to really look at our world. As I've noted before love takes an infinite number of forms in an infinite number of different ways. Each of our experiences with love are unique and individual. Find joy where you can, find joy where it is. With my partner being away for another six days I feel weighed down and in a fog. Without him here to help me open up, help me cope, help me understand myself and the people around me and help me deal with life I feel as if I am lost. I remind myself that I have been alone before, for long periods of time. Yes, he makes me better and yes with him I am a better more complete person, but I can still cope, survive and even thrive while he is away for a few days. I believe that he really is my missing puzzle piece. Where everyone else has failed, including my parents, he has learned who I am and how I think and what I mean when I say and do the things I do. He helps me control myself, and if I get dangerously close to putting myself in harms way he knows the right way to take control and gently guide me down. While he's gone it's tough, but I know I can do it. I can do it and I can stay as strong as I was before without wavering. Fear and anxiety weaken us, joy and hope give us strength. My little therapy dog, little Miss Daenerys Stormborn, is a gift from the universe. She has her own little spastic anxiety but somehow we are connected, we even have the same June birthday. I swear we feel things at the same time as well as feel whatever the other is feeling. With my partner gone I seek solace in the things I enjoy and the things that comfort me. I take solace in the love of Miss Stormborn. Just because her love comes from a body with four legs doesn't make it any less powerful than the love from the people closest to me. Don't be blinded, don't forget that joy is always hiding right in front of us where we always look but never pay attention. Take a peek, see what you find there. 

Cutting Out the Rot

Most of the biggest hindrances in our journey towards being joyful stem from within. The biggest thing holding us back in life is our own stubbornness. We have to open our eyes and be able to tell the difference between the healthy and the rotten, the good and the bad. That bad will always be there, but by focusing on the healthy growth and doing something to cut out the source of the festering rot you can not only heal yourself but protect against future attacks as well. It is important that whenever anything happens to us we take the time to process it and really get something out of it, otherwise what's the point. After all, aren't we nothing but the sum of all of our experiences and potential? I believe we are. You must accept everything, not get over it or even forgive necessarily, but you must accept it because it has already happened and there is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is react, and that reaction is up to you. By accepting something you take away the power it has over you and by then moving forward and adapting you take power over it and take control of your life back into your own hands. What this is boiling down to is that there are sometimes bad things in our life, rot in the tree, that must be removed in order for the healthy tree to continue not just growing but thriving. Sometimes it can be hard and most of the time painful, but it is necessary and essential to surviving and living not just a productive but a joyous life. Sometimes we can't even see for ourselves the toxic infestations in our life, that's why we have people we love surrounding us. So that they can be there for us even when our ugly wounds and scars are standing right in front of their faces for all to see. Sometimes we feel sorry for whatever is causing the rot and we make excuses for it and try to protect it out of some sense of duty. In the process we start to poison and kill ourselves. Festering rot may plateau and lie dormant for a time, but it always comes back to take more and grow even larger. It is unforgiving and all consuming no matter what promises it makes or how it temporarily makes you feel. We must be alert for these poisons, these parasites. When something is causing us fear, pain, anxiety or anguish we must look at where it is coming from and seek to either adapt or cut out the disease before it gets any larger. This is easier said than done, but it is something that we all must do. Walking the dog the other day with my partner we walked past a tree that had, over the past few months started developing odd growths and bumps. Now there was a spot where sap had been spilling from the tree and the wood underneath was black with rot. It was odd seeing it all happen over the course of a few weeks every time we took the dog for a walk. You never really think of trees as having diseases or parasites. Of course, what is a termite except that very thing?
It got me to thinking, trees live much longer than we do and can be far more resilient. But if they can be taken down by an internal rotting darkness then what does that say of us? Are we doomed before we even start? No, because we are humans and we are much more flexible and adaptable than a tree. That is our strength. We have the opportunity to recognize these diseases and do something about them. I was cleaning and sorting through things today and I came across some old letters and cards given to me by co-workers at my last job. I left my last job because I didn't feel ethically right staying there and I wanted to make a real difference somewhere else. I remember what I learned from there but thinking back about heart-twisting memories isn't necessary. I didn't even hesitate, I threw them away and kept going. No need to keep something that will only remind me of things that I don't want to remember. The memory will always be there, that's enough. Don't be afraid to let go of the painful past. Take what you have learned, heal and move forward with life. Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives who have a negative influence on us; sometimes for a few months and sometimes for a lifetime. It all depends on the influence and how deep their rot runs. My best friend of now ten years, who is currently in the hospital ICU, and I are closer than brothers but there was a time where I cut him completely out of my life. I blocked his number, blocked his Facebook and on and on. I may not have handled it the right way but I could see him destroying himself again no matter what I said and I couldn't handle having to go along with it anymore or having to watch him slide back into dangerous black waters once more. I had enough other stresses in my life, I couldn't handle any more. It was a very hard decision and one that I did not come to lightly. It hurt for a while, but the entire time I knew that I had done the right thing for me. A few months later I reached back out to him and he was there reaching back. We talked for a long time and I explained why  I left and he understood. He knew it was because I loved him and his suffering was tearing me down and poisoning me. We have always been there for each other, and he knew I always would be even if we weren't in touch, and will be there for each other and support each other from now until forever. But I had to do what was necessary, and he understood that.
I'm not saying cut ties with everyone or do something drastic, just evaluate your life and your friends and your commitments and the whole structure of your daily activities. Take a look and see what things are really causing the rot to spread. Where is it really coming from? What can you do about it? Do you want to do anything about it? Are you? I love nature and I love going for daily walks even in the neighborhood just to see the trees and flowers and green grass. I've always been fascinated by the bark of a tree. A healthy tree has good strong bark that can sometimes appear to almost be cracked and breaking from the outside. It appears as if the tree is crumbling apart, but it's not. It's the tree growing, pushing, against the outer restraints of it's boundary. Forcing it's way in, growth takes hold and expands more and more, cracking the other shell and constantly making a new one as the inner circles of the tree are replenished and strengthened from the roots deep below. Those cracks in the bark aren't signs of weakness but signs of healthy growth and thriving life. Life doesn't always look perfect from the outside or even to others no matter how close they think they may be. Life is messy and it never turns out the way we want. Don't mistake those cracks for breaks. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that because of your experiences you are somehow damaged or broken. You are stronger, you are you. You are who you are. When you look in that mirror, see those aging creases for what they are, the shredding of the old for the dawning of the new, and cut off the source of that poison you see and feel before it consumes you. You are in control, if only you'll realize it. Stop, do something about it. Be Joyful.

A New Token

This little guy I found at the museum last night in the gift shop. Standing not even half an inch tall, it resembles a perfect miniature skull. It's black with some white veins and so smooth to the touch that it's almost like glass. I carry it with my tiny little stone heart in my pocket. It's a reminder. A reminder that I am the one in control of my own fate, my own destiny. It's up to me to do something if I want something done, and I don't have forever to do it. Time, as life, is limited. Whenever I reach in my pockets when I'm getting the keys to my truck or my chap stick or I am sitting at my desk at work I will have a constant little reminder. A reminder of how I should be living my life. Joy is something we work for and hold on to, give yourself something to physically hold and you'll be sure to recall the strength you need. 

Love is Special, All Kinds of Love - PART II

The other day I reflected on love and the power it has to drive and motivate us. It is all around us and embedded in every action and intention. Love takes varying forms, shapes and sizes but always has one thing in common - when you love someone you think about them and their needs before your own. Love for your best friend won't be the same as the love for your husband, but they are both evolving and organic forms of love and compassion. When we interact with others we have the opportunity to pass that love along and spread joy through a chain reaction started by one simple act. The chain reactions we cause are infinite, but it is up to us whether we cause a positive or negative reaction. Whether they help or harm the world around us. Most of the time not acting causes just as much of a reaction. Just another reason to make a decision now, because in the end it won't be up to you. 
When you think of all the interactions you have throughout the day it becomes overwhelming. So many changes in the world, however minute. We find joy through the positive interactions. This means that other people can influence whether or not we are placed in joyful or potentially disheartening situations. As well though we must face responsibility. We are in control of most of our lives and decisions which means that with practice we should be able to make at least most of our lives joyful. By practicing small routines or carrying little tokens we can remind ourselves of the things that give us joy so that when we are faced with another decision there will be that positive energy behind you. What's even better than creating a life of joy for yourself is to be with someone who helps keep you up as well as encourages you to focus on the things you hold dear. That is where all those different forms of love come into play. The bonds that tie us together in order to lift us up. When we find these we must hold on to them for dear life because they are the bonds that keep us floating in deep waters. 
A token can be anything that brings a joyful memory back, anything that represents love. These tokens can be much stronger than you think and give a lot more strength than you can imagine to the carrier. When I first met my partner I was with someone else and slowly but suddenly fell for him and wanted nothing more than to be whisked away by a real life prince. He slowed things down though. First we were friends, then when it happened a few months later it was something more. After that I left my ex and we started our real relationship. For a long while he wasn't even my boyfriend, not until he felt like it was the right time. Eventually we became partners and hopefully someday soon I will get the pleasure of calling him my husband. At the time it drove me crazy how slow he wanted to go but in the end I now thank  him for making it meaningful, special and lasting. By building our friendship first we built the foundation that has kept us not only together but strong together. That gift is invaluable. Anyway, I remember the first night we met and the feelings I had when he left to go home. I remember the next  night too, because we had to see each other again the very next day. After he came to pick me up and we went out to his car he gave me this little silver box. He told me that when he met me yesterday it reminded him of me. It's a beautiful metal box that will last forever, well almost. Better than being a gift from someone I already knew I liked, I love small boxes and things like that to store things in. Silly, but it's me. I of course still have it next to the bed and keep only the most special of things in it. Every time I look at it or open it up I think of him and I remember that feeling sitting in the car when he first gave it to me. After a few weeks he gave me a sterling silver two piece puzzle ring that read "Only Love You" on the outside and when you lifted it apart, "Stay With Me" on the inside. It was also a pinky ring, we each had one on our pinky. It was a pinky ring for a pinky promise he told me. You better bet I still have that ring in a very safe place, I'm pretty sure the silver box. But things like that are the things that really have meaning and can help us stay strong and courageous through times of darkness. 
At the Natural History Museum last night I found a blue woven friendship bracelet that was misplaced. I looked through the whole store trying to find another so I could get two. I never found another and forgot about it after a few minutes. I did sneak and buy two little stone hearts and two color banded bracelets, each with a metal infinity sign. Small, not so expensive, gifts that once given increase their value exponentially. Today, away on his trip, he took the blue heart, blue is my favorite color, and his green infinity band. I wore my blue infinity band and carried my little red stone heart today. It's been nice to have something small and smooth to play with in my hand when I get nervous or anxious. My infinity bracelet never comes off, just as infinity never ends. When we got back into the car to drive home after the museum last night he handed me the map and brochures after we got into the truck. I was about to toss them in the back when he told me to stop, that it was for me. Slowly I opened the booklet and out fell the blue friendship band. On the card it said that this lucky bracelet must have a wished placed upon it as the giver ties it to their friends wrist. As time passes and the bracelet wears, it will fall off and according to legend that wish made will come true. After we got home he tied it on my wrist, and it isn't coming off as to keep true to the tradition of the friendship bracelet. I won't say what I wished, but it was something big and important to me. That's why this bracelet means so much to me. It's why I keep it on and why it gives me strength and joy. Little things can mean a lot, big things can mean a lot. Obviously the meaning comes from the significance it has to you. Don't be afraid to feel, we are humans and we were made with human logic and human emotion. Keep tokens you encounter in life, find some and make them tokens. Give something value and meaning so that it may return the favor to you. Love comes in all shapes and forms as does hope and inspiration. If you feel hopeless then look at the love and loved ones around you and draw from them. If you are blinded by situation and feel lost, look inward and make your own tokens from which to draw strength. You have the power and tools and potential inside yourself, all you have to do is draw on it in your time of need. I challenge you, take some time and find a new small token to carry that will help inspire you and encourage you to do the right thing. You can pick anything, it's all up to you. It's all about you. 

Crumbling Walls, Sturdy Foundation

This week has been a particularly rough one for me. We've all been on eggshells this week awaiting the result of the investigation taking place at work. Yesterday Orbitz called to tell me that my flights to Tennessee and back in April were messed up due to changes in times and schedules. At the end of the day they ended up beginning the process of giving me a complete refund and leaving me ticketless. On top of everything else my partner is leaving tomorrow to go out of town for a week. I don't handle separation or goodbyes well at all. I get paranoid and anxious. Everything that could possibly go wrong runs through my head over and over on repeat. I can never concentrate long enough to really get anything accomplished. I'm not sure which is worse though, the week before or the week of. Yes it's no fun being alone but I have my little Miss Stormborn to keep me busy and preoccupied. I miss him yea but counting down until his return home is what keeps me going because it gives me something concrete to hold on to. The calls, texts and voice message help too. The point is, it's not as terribly hard as I think it's going to be. It's no walk through the clouds but it's manageable. The week before, this week for me, I spend building anticipation and anxiety. I'm so afraid of the idea of what is happening, I don't want to be alone. Even little Dany gets anxious and upset for about a week before. I think she can sense it somehow and I swear our emotions and moods are tied together. The idea I build up in my mind of what I think is going to happen is so exaggerated and unproportional. In the end he is still going, being anxious isn't going to stop it from happening. Of course it's much easier to preach than to practice. I know what I have to do but getting it done is a whole other thing. I am getting better though, I'm much better now than I was three years ago. I still have room for improvement. I kept telling myself, stop - you're creating your own nightmares! If only I would listen to myself. 

This week hasn't been all that bad but it's been stressful and ridden with anxiety. Getting closer to the date, tomorrow, my level of chaos that I seem to carry in my chest is building and building. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. Of course I remind myself it's all in my head and I force my chest to rise and fall again as I push on in a life and world that stop for no one. I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to think negative and turn it around. The hard part is catching yourself because the negative comes naturally. Just try. So often we feel like crumbling walls, falling and unable to hold anything up. When we let the negativity around us take over our thinking we allow it to come in and put little cracks in our walls. As time passes the cracks combine and add up until there's nothing left except exposed wood and we feel as if we are breaking into nothing. When we take time to get rid of that negativity and turn it around those cracks start to get filled in. It is still fragile though, it takes time, patience and practice. The key is to make sure that you have a strong foundation. With that, no matter how much you fall, there will always be something standing to hold you up. Make a conscious decision to be joyful, to start acknowledging the negative but instead choosing to focus on the positive. We all want the best for ourselves, all it takes is action. Having made the decision to focus on being joyful I am having an easier time picking myself back up when I start to crumble and keep going like nothing happened. Yes I still get cracks, but my foundation and resolve are there and stronger than ever. I may crumble on the outside but I have my heart to put me back together again. 

My foundation is also built strong by the support I have from my loving partner. Without him I would have a very difficult time, we connect on so many different wavelengths that I can't believe in coincidence anymore. When he goes it feels like the rug is being ripped from underneath me, but I must remind myself that the foundation he helped build and is a part of is still here. His love isn't going anywhere, just his physical body for a short time. Even when I feel myself crumbling this week I can be reassured knowing that my foundation will still be there. My biggest fear every time he goes is that something terrible is going to happen and for some reason I'm not going to get to see or hold him again. The fear is debilatating and seems to take control of my thoughts and actions whenever it gets the chance. I have to find ways to distract myself because nothing I do will change my worrying and paranoia. We have our own routines and traditions now when one of us goes on a trip. This time, because I couldn't shake the anxiety, I picked up a couple things when we were at the Natural History Museum this evening. Just small things, silly even. I got a little blue stone heart for him and a red one for me, so we can each carry the other's heart with us this week. Yes we have our rings and other things but this is just something small and cute between us that will make the week a little easier. I also got ankle/wrist bands for us in our favorite colors. Weaved into each is a silver metal infinity sign. So this week when we get lonely we can be reminded not just that we are loved but that our love is timeless and forgiving. Small cheap, but meaningful, gestures of love and hope that help make the difficult days a little easier. Find a little something for you, or you and your best friend or loved one. When you see that silly charm bracelet get one for you and your friend. You'll have something to laugh and smile about, something to feed you that joy. When you feel like your wall is starting to crumble remember all you need is a strong foundation to keep you standing, and it's never too late to start building one. By surrounding ourselves with joy and positivity we help build up our own foundation and base. Be strong, or make yourself stronger, the choice is yours. A strong foundation is the key to a strong sense of joy. I challenge you, find something small and silly that reminds you of someone or something you love and carry it with you this week. When you see it remind yourself why it means so much to you, sometimes it just takes some recognition to get to the joy we have within ourselves.