Introducing - Joyful Jenny: A Young Girl's Unique Perspective On Joy

Today we are going to start with Joyful Jenny, a new contributor who will be bringing us her Joy and inspiration every Wednesday. Jenny has an amazingly unique voice and I am so excited to have her here with us. I truly believe and know she will be able to open the eyes of so many of us in ways we never even knew existed.
I was going to write an introduction piece for her but after reading her piece there is no need. Jenny kicks it up in full gear and opens up beautifully. Thank you Jenny for sharing your joy and for giving us another perspective into life and joy we wouldn't otherwise get. 
Help me welcome Joyful Jenny to our little block!

Everyday I wake up and immediately think back on the past. Which is a
good and bad thing. It reminds me how far I've come and I won't stop
here. But see, I'm sixteen now and ever since I was 16 days old, my
life has been one crazy roller coaster. It was tough back then. I have
trouble seeing. But that never stops me. In elementary, people would
just stare at me and give me dirty looks. Even in public. As if I was
some kind of monster. People would call me, "Zombie Eyes." But I never
payed attention to them.
We're all beautiful and unique in our own way. I know that sometimes
it's hard to believe because of all these stereo types. But you don't
have to look like the model in the front page of a magazine. You don't
have to be famous to use your voice. You be you and don't let anything
tear you down. You don't have to change in order to fit society's
expectations. As long as you are yourself, nothing else should matter.
I learned that the hard way. Don't let anyone tell you who you should
be or could be. That's not up to them. It's up to you.
If you want to do something but you think it's impossible... Think
again! You go for it! In the end, you'll end up feeling good just for
trying. Nothing is impossible. Impossible doesn't exist. In the word,
it secretly says, "I'm-possible." Therefore, you shouldn't be afraid of
trying it. Who cares if your friends say it's lame. Who cares if
someone says you won't succeed. So what if it's lame? And are you
really going to let others tell you what you can or can't do? You do
it because you want to. I don't know how else to put it. If it makes
you happy, if it's something you want to do...go for it! No one is
stopping you. Even if others are saying negative things, they're still
not the ones stopping you. It's you because you let them takeover. But
don't.
With that, I want to remind you to stay true to who you are. Leave
with this... We're all different. But beautiful and unique in many
different ways.
I can honestly say that I find joy in that little sentence. It reminds
me that no matter what, I'm me and no one will ever change that. Just
keep an open mind about things. I guarantee you'll find joy in
everything you do and all that you are.

Photo: 9gag.com

Light Up Your Night

There's no reason to be afraid of the dark, but I still am anyway. I don't know why but ever since I was little I've been afraid of the dark. Not so much afraid of the dark as afraid of being alone and not knowing what's happening around me. I was one paranoid child, and it's only gotten more intense since I've grown up. I have a crazy insane imagination and every time I am in total darkness I start seeing all the movie characters and people and things I am afraid of lurking just beyond the shadow. I know they aren't there but my mind can't resist the notion that they could be. They could be and I would never see them coming. Needless to say I have always needed some form of light when I'm sleeping at night. In total darkness I'm too afraid to sleep and too afraid to move, even just to turn onto my side. Just like how I can't stand total silence. I prolong my breaths and lay dead still, so afraid that I'll make some noise. I do it even when I'm alone, I really don't know who I am afraid of waking. Maybe it's just the idea of startling awake something in the shadows just beyond. I always have to have sound, even if all I have is the fan or air conditioner running. Now I use my sleep machine on my iPhone every night with rain, whales and sometime a zen melody. The point is I have always had to have that light and sound at night or I would be so frightened that I wouldn't move or dare fall asleep. The darkness is a scary thing, and it will always be there. We can be rest assured that darkness returns every evening and stays until sunrise. Most of us have learned by now that darkness lurks in the niches and corners of our lives, sometimes even just shadows cast by trauma and fear. We can't avoid it, but we can at least learn to adapt and give ourselves some peace of mind. I use my night lights and I use my rain. If I don't have anything else I'll plug in my portable charger and just have the bright light from the charge indicators. I always have a way to have some light and sound, and when for some reason I don't I sleep fitfully and fretfully. When you encounter fear or weaknesses you must learn to adapt. Find a way to either address the issue or figure out how to get around it. You can always leave the bathroom light on and door cracked. We have to be creative. Make it personal. It is about you after all. Cope with it, there isn't any other choice because we have no control over the past. Our worst enemy is ourselves. We let ourselves be miserable and we allow ourselves to cower in fear. We hold ourselves back out of exaggerated fear and inflated ideas. That's when I do dumb things like lie awake all night in fear or dreading the coming night because of the terror I felt. I make my life hell. I have to learn to stop that, but it's really hard to do. The lights and things are just one way I take a little bit of control for myself and my comfort and it makes me feel better. It really is the little things. 

What are you afraid of? Roaches, maybe? How about every time you see one you do the same routine thing to back you away from your fear. Take two steps back and if it's still crawling towards you then one step to the left. Something silly that works, that makes you feel better. That's how you can start working to overcome fear. Let me tell you about my new nightlight. I remembered the other day that IKEA had these really cute little night lights right in the kid's section near the escalator. So earlier this week my partner and I made a night run to the store and I picked one up. I don't care if it's for kids, it's adorable and it's perfect. It provides just enough light and it turns from blue to green and back again. It's actually kind of soothing. I use it every night and I love it. It looks like a little white mouse with blue eyes and ears. I'm still trying to come up with a name for him. Maybe Conquerer. That sounds kinda cool. To conquer my fear. Perfect. Figure out what you fear, what you allow to take advantage of you. Once you do, find a way to beat it or get around it. There's always an answer out there, even if it takes a long time to find. Here's the key: never give up. Be your own light in the night. 

Finding Joy In The Unknown & Unexpected

Flexibility. Adaptability. Remaining calm and in control. Professional. I have always had problems with these. Always, it's like a disease that has plagued me forever. Something I am constantly working to fix and learn to control. Learning how to control my feelings has taken me quite a long time and there are still many times where I lose that control. But I do my best, that's all I can do. That and I just keep trying. Trying to control my reactions to sudden change of any kind is very difficult for me. When I am caught off guard it's like all my walls, good and bad, align to momentarily open a path right for the heart. When something sudden happens I, most of the time, don't have my partner with me to help control my emotions. I am left up to my own devices, and it's something I could still use some help with. Everyday I keep trying, it's the only thing to do.

Catching me off guard is like triggering pent up lava and just watching for the explosion, whether outwards or inwards. It's the one thing I would change about myself if I could. I am learning to control stress in my day to day life and I am doing much better now than I was ten years ago. My weakness, that I am at least aware of, is when I get surprised. I don't deal well at all. At work I am mostly under control but there are times when things spring up or something doesn't go the way it was supposed to and I pretty much freak out. It's not as bad as it is at home, but I tend to start talking really fast and really loud as I get more excited. The worst part is that I don't even notice when I'm doing it. People think I am responding with anger when I am only trying to talk or answer a question, but since I am pumped up with adrenaline I don't realize how I talk. Afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I feel terrible. Terrible. It bothers me for days and I hate it. That's not me. I don't want people to think it is. I also don't want to jeopardize a job I love because I don't realize how worked up I can get. 

At home it is even worse. Sometimes there's not even a reason for my explosions. Sometimes there's a trigger and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I hate not being able to always control myself. I hate the way I talk to my partner, especially when he is trying to go out of his way to take care of me and look out for me. I don't deserve the way he cares for me. But I also know that without him I would not be able to survive. I would not be able to cope. People like me need people like him. But I also have to learn to treat the people I love, who are taking their time to care for me, with more kindness. I hope he knows I don't mean it, I never do. I have to work though to constantly show him that I am not that person and that I am able to change. Not just for me, but for him and us. 

Even small things in life that pop up, like having to schedule a doctor's appointment or making a call to the insurance company, are overwhelming. The smallest things make me stress and overreact. I get overwhelmed and I can't handle it. The surprise and shock are too much for me. It flips my switch. Without my partner I wouldn't be able to do things like going to the store, paying bills, picking up medicine and on and on. Even going to a doctor's appointment is most of the time enough to get me going. The point is, I don't handle it well right now and it's not healthy. It's not good for me. It makes me miserable and unhappy. The only thing I know to do is practice and work at it with the people who support me. I don't know what else there is. I have to learn how to handle this better, and I have to hold on to that tightly. 

Slowly I am improving and getting better. Last night I was at the pharmacy and my credit card was acting up and there was a long line and I was frustrated. When I went back outside to use my phone my partner came with me. I could feel the fumes boiling underneath but I held it down. I could feel the part of me that wanted to snap or be angry or say something mean because I was so frustrated and felt like I couldn't handle all these changes and sudden occurrences. Instead I talked to my partner with a calm even tone and explained to him what happened and what I was doing. It was hard swallowing it down and keeping it there but afterwards I felt so much better. I didn't have that horrific guilt of treating my soul mate and best friend with contempt and annoyance. I never want to feel that again, and I don't want him to either. It was a small silly step, but to me it was a major victory that showed me that I could do it. It will be hard and take hard work but I can do it. That's all I need, to know I can get there. Of course I'll have my support and my best friend to help carry me when I need it. It's a battle, but one I have to fight to keep my sanity and joy. A fight I cannot back down from anymore. 

Life is like stairs , they are always going to curve around a bend or corner to continue on into shadow, into the unknown. Even when the horizon is straight ahead with nothing but open fields around us the road still disappears into the distance. Because of that unknown we have to always be prepared for the stairs to suddenly turn left or right or up or down as soon as we turn around the looming corner. Or it could keep going smoothly. The point is we can't know. Moreso there are potholes and bumps in the road that we don't see until we have fallen victim to them. How we respond to those inevitable accidents decides how much joy we allow in our lives. It's up to us how we weather this tough and surprising road, this precarious journey. Grab life by the horns and demand the joy you want and deserve. Be ready for the twists and turns in life, that's when you're joy is tested the most. Stay strong, stay committed, stay joyful. 

Open Your Eyes to the Joy Curled Up Right Next To You

Look around you, look closely. It's easy to see the love and joy around us if we only take a moment to really look at our world. As I've noted before love takes an infinite number of forms in an infinite number of different ways. Each of our experiences with love are unique and individual. Find joy where you can, find joy where it is. With my partner being away for another six days I feel weighed down and in a fog. Without him here to help me open up, help me cope, help me understand myself and the people around me and help me deal with life I feel as if I am lost. I remind myself that I have been alone before, for long periods of time. Yes, he makes me better and yes with him I am a better more complete person, but I can still cope, survive and even thrive while he is away for a few days. I believe that he really is my missing puzzle piece. Where everyone else has failed, including my parents, he has learned who I am and how I think and what I mean when I say and do the things I do. He helps me control myself, and if I get dangerously close to putting myself in harms way he knows the right way to take control and gently guide me down. While he's gone it's tough, but I know I can do it. I can do it and I can stay as strong as I was before without wavering. Fear and anxiety weaken us, joy and hope give us strength. My little therapy dog, little Miss Daenerys Stormborn, is a gift from the universe. She has her own little spastic anxiety but somehow we are connected, we even have the same June birthday. I swear we feel things at the same time as well as feel whatever the other is feeling. With my partner gone I seek solace in the things I enjoy and the things that comfort me. I take solace in the love of Miss Stormborn. Just because her love comes from a body with four legs doesn't make it any less powerful than the love from the people closest to me. Don't be blinded, don't forget that joy is always hiding right in front of us where we always look but never pay attention. Take a peek, see what you find there. 

Stormy Skies

I took a picture yesterday getting out of my truck and heading into the house. It was such an awe inspiring sight with the clouds and rain and open sky mixed with the cold nipping at all of my exposed skin. The light peaking through the dark clouds felt so warm and refreshing. The picture doesn't even do it justice, but it at least shines some light on it. Through all that darkness and downpour of rain rays of sunlight emerged as strong as ever. You can quite literally see it in the picture. The small beams of sunlight are so contrasting and so revealing. Maybe it's a reminder that through every storm comes bright sunlight. Even in the middle of what seems like an impossibly torential downfall we can have hope. Reminders of the joy we have to hold on to, what will give us the strength we need to make it through. 

The second picture I took last night when we were taking Miss Stormborn for a walk. I looked up and saw that beautiful contrasting night sky. To top it all off is the palm tree in the corner. That sky though, it reminded me of the clear after every storm and the fact that life is made up of cloudy and clear night skies, meaning that neither one could prevail continuously. Through the clouds and rain we must remember that they won't last forever, soon there will be clear skies again. We must treasure the good days when things feel hopeful so that we have something to hold on to and fuel us through the night. Ups and downs, highs and lows. Contrasting, that's what life really is about. When you start to get upset or feel like you are having a bad day stop yourself and think about the last time you went to the movies or the newest album you ordered on iTunes. Think about those clear skies and that bright warm sunlight. Bathe in the soothing memories and give the joy inside you the fuel it needs to keep the fire going. Give yourself some hope.