One Step At A Time, Never Thinking Of More Than What Surrounds You

My biggest problems in life have always been depression and anxiety. Even when I was a kid I remember lying in bed at night and praying for the safety and health of me, my family, my friends, my friend's family, friends of my friends and their families too. Over and over I would go through everything in my head like a practiced rhythm, making sure to include every tiny detail and person. I would pray for people I didn't know, for strangers and neighbors. I couldn't stand the thought or worry over someone being hurt, and believe it or not those thoughts were always there no matter what I did. But if I went through my rituals it helped me cope and made things more bearable. I of course have always missed the fact that the problem isn't trying to find rituals to cope but to learn to live without the anxiety to begin with. Taking it day by day has always been a foreign concept to me, therefore so has happiness. I mean, I know what it feels like to be happy, but true happiness I didn't discover until a few short years ago. I still struggle today, but it is much easier than before. Learning how to live both Joyfully and Mindfully have guided me to a life not free of bad things and negativity, but free of needless anxiety and worry over things that are neither under my control nor even necessary to worry about. 

I have ground my teeth bad since I was a young kid, probably starting in high school. By the time I got to college the dentist asked if I had a stressful job because I had ground my k9's completely flat, all of my teeth were and are now completely flat. When I get really stressed I will do it throughout the day without even realizing. That's when the headaches get really bad, although I still get plenty in the mornings from nighttime grinding. The sound, just thinking about it makes me cringe and tremble. I wear a night guard now and it helps most of the time. The point is I really take anxiety to heart and I don't let go. It has really been a challenge for me to let go of the reigns and allow myself to just be. When you think about it though, it is all we truly have. The here and now, what is right in front of us. That is life, our lives. The lives we are supposed to be living. All we have is today because we really have no freaking idea if we will be alive tomorrow. That thought has terrified me since I was a little kid, knowing I could and would eventually die any day of any number of things. That is what makes life precious, that is what makes it mean something. We are only here for a short time and what we do in that time is what matters. Our lives have value because they are mortal. Just like a rose has its value because it will eventually wilt and die and no longer be beautiful. 

We have to think of life like a flower, it's going to end sometime in the future and we have to live every moment to the fullest because we don't know how many of them we are going to get. You never know what you have until it's gone. I wear my mala beads everyday under my shirt to work, to the store, around the house, and they are amazingly calming. There are times where I won't have too long but I will stop for even just a few seconds and recite my mantra moving bead to bead and focusing my intention and thoughts. It makes me feel safe, it makes me feel a little stronger. My mantra helps too. That's the first step. Pick one for yourself if you don't have one, think about it and make it something that is important to you. Something that has meaning. Something that is relatively short and easy to remember and repeat. Make it something that describes who you feel you really are, make it something to give you strength and empower you. I was walking through the multi-level and multi-enclosure Aviary at the LA Zoo the other day when I saw this staircase going down. I was so busy looking over the edge at the birds and small animals that I took each step slowly and carefully and used the railing to help my clumsy self. It reminded me of being mindful and living in the present, literally taking it one step at a time. The path ahead curved downward, how fitting to complete the metaphor for life. You don't know what's coming, no one does. Live today to the fullest while making sure tomorrow is secured. Don't waste time over worry and unnecessary stress, all stress is unnecessary by the way. Things will always get rough, find your mantra and be mindful. Taking it one step, one day, at a time is the best place to start when you want to take control of your life and turn it into one filled with Joy and free of anxiety and stress. 

Anger Not Only Destroys You, But The World Around You

Anger is something we all must deal with, a toxic disease that spreads like wildfire. Something that a lot of times isn't even under our control once it gets started. Frustration is a way of life, nothing is ever going to go exactly how we planned. We must learn to be fluid and flexible and adaptable or we will only suffer under the stress and weight of anger and guilt. When we hold anger in we only destroy ourselves, and when we express anger in the wrong way we hurt all of those around us. The hard part comes when we can't even tell what we are doing. Anger is irrational, you're making yourself upset over something you can't change now whatever it is. All you can do is learn to adapt. You have no control over your surroundings, and there are going to be so many times that those surroundings provoke a negative response from you. My problem comes because I carry my anger inside and don't let it out or talk to anyone about it and then it just boils over in one big mess. By that time I have no control over what I am saying or doing, my thoughts race and rational thinking is out the window. Once that starts it becomes very hard to catch myself because how can you catch yourself when you can't even think right? The trick is catching those thoughts when they first pop up and dealing with them then, or taking the time to deal with them before they become something unmanageable and you get even more upset. 

There are so many outlets out there. I love to write, it's a way I let go of all the stress and anger inside. Sometimes though that isn't enough. I need something to release before it explodes. I've found one good thing is walking or hiking. Use some energy and get outside. Clear your mind and release some endorphins. Go by yourself and reflect and meditate or go with a friend or partner. The key is to get it out. Express how you feel in a way you can control, that way your emotions will never control you. For me, when the anger really gets going the only thing that makes it better is getting a tattoo. I always get things that have obvious importance to me, but something about the pain of the needle and the release is intoxicating. After my two tattoos last night I felt like a weight was off my chest and shoulders. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard on air and this morning when I woke up I wasn't angry or frustrated at all. I haven't been in a bad mood all day because I don't have those pent up feelings anymore. I decided to get the Cancer constellation, the stars in the sky when I was born, and the symbol for mindfulness on my wrist. I found the mindfulness symbol just yesterday but it is so perfect. I've wasted most of my life, I never live in the present because I am constantly worried or stressed about what has or what will happen. I needed something to remind me to stay in the here and now. So I put it right under the word Joy because I thought true Joy can only come with mindfulness. I used the pain to help channel all the anger and frustration I've been feeling lately. I must say that I feel so much better now, and that mindfulness symbol has really had an impact on my thinking. 

Here's what the symbol means:

"This symbol is presented like a physical representation of present moment.

Vertical forms represent time – past and future. Horizontal forms represent space – 360 degrees. And the one is always in the center – being here and now – perfect equanimity.

Secondly, you can see a symbol of a water drop. This is the most often used metaphor to represent the idea of mindfulness. Only this water drop symbol is presented in a kind of mirrored way. But do not think about it, because as mentioned above, this is time – past and future, both are illusions, stay centered in the present."

http://www.radicalcourse.com/here-and-now-symbol-present-moment-awareness/

How perfect and how amazing. I knew it was the right choice. The whole time I was sitting there I was channeling all my negative thoughts and feelings through that tiny needle. While you may not like pain or be able to tolerate needles, look for and find something that speaks to you. Get those negative thoughts out before they poison you. Talk to someone, talk to your dog, talk to youself. Find a way to remind yourself to be mindful and present in the here and now because one thing is for sure, with bottled up anger there is no room for joy and no chance of healing. 

Finding Joy In The Peace of Others

Saturday, finally here, woo hoo! Admit it, most of us spend the whole week looking forward to the weekend, or our days off. The freedom is intoxicating. Of course I am always on call but that's ok, most of the time I don't get any major nursing problems. I love my job and I don't mind coming in when I am needed, but sometimes I do just want a whole day to myself after working the craziest and longest hours for the past two weeks. Today I got a call at almost 10am asking when I was going to go in to the office to fill out the Incident Report that needed to be sent in. Of course after that I couldn't rest or go back to sleep or even relax. I got up, showered, got dressed and my partner made me some coffee on my way out the door. On the way there, and back for that matter, I listened to fun music. I listened to music that I loved, that put me in a good mood. Music from the past is always the best. The memories associated with certain songs can be as strong over the years as the ones made last night when you went out with friends. I just forced myself to relax by focusing on only what I was doing at that moment and I kept reminding myself that it was only one small thing I had to do and then I could go home. Of course it went by in a quick hour and I enjoyed myself. It really took me only a few minutes to write it all out and I got to visit with the guys at the house, the staff there and even my administrator. The sunny ride home was relaxing and seemed to go by pretty fast not thinking about it. When I got home I changed and got a Red Bull and we decided to go for a walk. I had the rest of the day to enjoy and do something, why sit around upset because I had to go to something when not only did I have the time and weather to have an amazing day but I also had someone who loved me and actually wanted to spend their time with me. Whenever I can make myself calm down and realize that fact I always feel better.
We scooped up little Miss Daenerys and got in the truck to go to the park. On the way we had to get gas because the light was on. Upon turning the first corner from the apartment Dany got excited and kicked my tropical Red Bull onto the floor and out of my lap. It of course spilled most of it's contents onto my lap, my leg and the floor. She jumped up scared and climbed into the backseat. Needless to say I was stupidly upset and frustrated. I didn't say anything the whole way to the gas station because I was fuming and I just wanted to scream. Why couldn't everything just go right? While I was pumping gas my partner cleaned the spilled drink and when I wasn't looking he even snuck inside and bought me a new Red Bull and got a bottle of water. I kind of had to just swallow my pride there and give in. I thanked him and forced myself to forget about the sticky situation. I couldn't believe that someone had done that for me, just because they knew I was upset about something. I mean I guess I can believe it, but it still catches me off guard every time. This is why I am in love.
We enjoyed our walk at the park and had fun with our little girl. It is always so refreshing to be out in the sun, especially among all the trees. I got to watch Miss Stormborn chase the million squirrels playing in the grass and the trees. She had just as much fun as we did. Of course she pooped herself out and had to be carried back to the truck. She enjoyed every second of it, don't be fooled. I know her tricks, my partner just gives in to her cuteness more than I do. After getting home we collapsed onto the bed to watch something funny on television and bask in the coolness of the air conditioner. Dany curled right up between us and before we were even settled she was fast asleep in bed. I sat up and just watched her, slowly breathing in and out with her eyes closed and her body curled up relaxed. She slept through the sound of the camera on the phone and me moving around to get the perfect view. She was completely out of it, poor thing. Her peaceful face just made my heart ache. Watching her there I didn't want to move at all. I could have stared at her for hours. As she calmed me down and settled my mind and heart I realized that it didn't matter if I had to go to work today for a little bit. It didn't matter that I would probably get called in tomorrow to admit a client back from the hospital. It didn't matter that I felt like all I was doing was working. I had a partner who would go out of his way to make me feel better and give me what I wanted when I screw up. Well, I have a partner. I am very lucky and there should never be a moment in time when I don't feel like I will always have someone there to back me up, even if I can't always see him. If Miss Stormborn could have the time of her life in the sun and then come home and collapse then why couldn't I let go of all the stupid things worrying me and enjoy the valuable time I keep wishing I had more of? Watching her sleep there, with my love in the background, I realized that those things didn't matter. Life is what is happening right now, when we are too busy planning and thinking to really see it and enjoy it. Today I found peace in the two loves of my life. Their being at peace and enjoying their lives joyfully gave me the support I needed to do the same. I just have to stop holding on to pain, stress and anxiety. All I ever want is more time to be with those I love, so why not take the time I do have and make the most of it?

Light Up Your Night

There's no reason to be afraid of the dark, but I still am anyway. I don't know why but ever since I was little I've been afraid of the dark. Not so much afraid of the dark as afraid of being alone and not knowing what's happening around me. I was one paranoid child, and it's only gotten more intense since I've grown up. I have a crazy insane imagination and every time I am in total darkness I start seeing all the movie characters and people and things I am afraid of lurking just beyond the shadow. I know they aren't there but my mind can't resist the notion that they could be. They could be and I would never see them coming. Needless to say I have always needed some form of light when I'm sleeping at night. In total darkness I'm too afraid to sleep and too afraid to move, even just to turn onto my side. Just like how I can't stand total silence. I prolong my breaths and lay dead still, so afraid that I'll make some noise. I do it even when I'm alone, I really don't know who I am afraid of waking. Maybe it's just the idea of startling awake something in the shadows just beyond. I always have to have sound, even if all I have is the fan or air conditioner running. Now I use my sleep machine on my iPhone every night with rain, whales and sometime a zen melody. The point is I have always had to have that light and sound at night or I would be so frightened that I wouldn't move or dare fall asleep. The darkness is a scary thing, and it will always be there. We can be rest assured that darkness returns every evening and stays until sunrise. Most of us have learned by now that darkness lurks in the niches and corners of our lives, sometimes even just shadows cast by trauma and fear. We can't avoid it, but we can at least learn to adapt and give ourselves some peace of mind. I use my night lights and I use my rain. If I don't have anything else I'll plug in my portable charger and just have the bright light from the charge indicators. I always have a way to have some light and sound, and when for some reason I don't I sleep fitfully and fretfully. When you encounter fear or weaknesses you must learn to adapt. Find a way to either address the issue or figure out how to get around it. You can always leave the bathroom light on and door cracked. We have to be creative. Make it personal. It is about you after all. Cope with it, there isn't any other choice because we have no control over the past. Our worst enemy is ourselves. We let ourselves be miserable and we allow ourselves to cower in fear. We hold ourselves back out of exaggerated fear and inflated ideas. That's when I do dumb things like lie awake all night in fear or dreading the coming night because of the terror I felt. I make my life hell. I have to learn to stop that, but it's really hard to do. The lights and things are just one way I take a little bit of control for myself and my comfort and it makes me feel better. It really is the little things. 

What are you afraid of? Roaches, maybe? How about every time you see one you do the same routine thing to back you away from your fear. Take two steps back and if it's still crawling towards you then one step to the left. Something silly that works, that makes you feel better. That's how you can start working to overcome fear. Let me tell you about my new nightlight. I remembered the other day that IKEA had these really cute little night lights right in the kid's section near the escalator. So earlier this week my partner and I made a night run to the store and I picked one up. I don't care if it's for kids, it's adorable and it's perfect. It provides just enough light and it turns from blue to green and back again. It's actually kind of soothing. I use it every night and I love it. It looks like a little white mouse with blue eyes and ears. I'm still trying to come up with a name for him. Maybe Conquerer. That sounds kinda cool. To conquer my fear. Perfect. Figure out what you fear, what you allow to take advantage of you. Once you do, find a way to beat it or get around it. There's always an answer out there, even if it takes a long time to find. Here's the key: never give up. Be your own light in the night. 

Finding Joy In The Unknown & Unexpected

Flexibility. Adaptability. Remaining calm and in control. Professional. I have always had problems with these. Always, it's like a disease that has plagued me forever. Something I am constantly working to fix and learn to control. Learning how to control my feelings has taken me quite a long time and there are still many times where I lose that control. But I do my best, that's all I can do. That and I just keep trying. Trying to control my reactions to sudden change of any kind is very difficult for me. When I am caught off guard it's like all my walls, good and bad, align to momentarily open a path right for the heart. When something sudden happens I, most of the time, don't have my partner with me to help control my emotions. I am left up to my own devices, and it's something I could still use some help with. Everyday I keep trying, it's the only thing to do.

Catching me off guard is like triggering pent up lava and just watching for the explosion, whether outwards or inwards. It's the one thing I would change about myself if I could. I am learning to control stress in my day to day life and I am doing much better now than I was ten years ago. My weakness, that I am at least aware of, is when I get surprised. I don't deal well at all. At work I am mostly under control but there are times when things spring up or something doesn't go the way it was supposed to and I pretty much freak out. It's not as bad as it is at home, but I tend to start talking really fast and really loud as I get more excited. The worst part is that I don't even notice when I'm doing it. People think I am responding with anger when I am only trying to talk or answer a question, but since I am pumped up with adrenaline I don't realize how I talk. Afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I feel terrible. Terrible. It bothers me for days and I hate it. That's not me. I don't want people to think it is. I also don't want to jeopardize a job I love because I don't realize how worked up I can get. 

At home it is even worse. Sometimes there's not even a reason for my explosions. Sometimes there's a trigger and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I hate not being able to always control myself. I hate the way I talk to my partner, especially when he is trying to go out of his way to take care of me and look out for me. I don't deserve the way he cares for me. But I also know that without him I would not be able to survive. I would not be able to cope. People like me need people like him. But I also have to learn to treat the people I love, who are taking their time to care for me, with more kindness. I hope he knows I don't mean it, I never do. I have to work though to constantly show him that I am not that person and that I am able to change. Not just for me, but for him and us. 

Even small things in life that pop up, like having to schedule a doctor's appointment or making a call to the insurance company, are overwhelming. The smallest things make me stress and overreact. I get overwhelmed and I can't handle it. The surprise and shock are too much for me. It flips my switch. Without my partner I wouldn't be able to do things like going to the store, paying bills, picking up medicine and on and on. Even going to a doctor's appointment is most of the time enough to get me going. The point is, I don't handle it well right now and it's not healthy. It's not good for me. It makes me miserable and unhappy. The only thing I know to do is practice and work at it with the people who support me. I don't know what else there is. I have to learn how to handle this better, and I have to hold on to that tightly. 

Slowly I am improving and getting better. Last night I was at the pharmacy and my credit card was acting up and there was a long line and I was frustrated. When I went back outside to use my phone my partner came with me. I could feel the fumes boiling underneath but I held it down. I could feel the part of me that wanted to snap or be angry or say something mean because I was so frustrated and felt like I couldn't handle all these changes and sudden occurrences. Instead I talked to my partner with a calm even tone and explained to him what happened and what I was doing. It was hard swallowing it down and keeping it there but afterwards I felt so much better. I didn't have that horrific guilt of treating my soul mate and best friend with contempt and annoyance. I never want to feel that again, and I don't want him to either. It was a small silly step, but to me it was a major victory that showed me that I could do it. It will be hard and take hard work but I can do it. That's all I need, to know I can get there. Of course I'll have my support and my best friend to help carry me when I need it. It's a battle, but one I have to fight to keep my sanity and joy. A fight I cannot back down from anymore. 

Life is like stairs , they are always going to curve around a bend or corner to continue on into shadow, into the unknown. Even when the horizon is straight ahead with nothing but open fields around us the road still disappears into the distance. Because of that unknown we have to always be prepared for the stairs to suddenly turn left or right or up or down as soon as we turn around the looming corner. Or it could keep going smoothly. The point is we can't know. Moreso there are potholes and bumps in the road that we don't see until we have fallen victim to them. How we respond to those inevitable accidents decides how much joy we allow in our lives. It's up to us how we weather this tough and surprising road, this precarious journey. Grab life by the horns and demand the joy you want and deserve. Be ready for the twists and turns in life, that's when you're joy is tested the most. Stay strong, stay committed, stay joyful. 

A Dam Hard Time

One of the hardest things to gain in life is perspective. Most of the control over how we view the world is our own, although there are other factors involved as well. Other influences that distort our reality and perception. These distractions are both a part of life and creatures of our own invention. When we get angry, anxious, upset, depressed and whatever else it's like we are putting on different colored sunglasses. Like the ones that make everything look blue, or the ones with the added red tinting. After wearing them for a while taking them off is a shock for a second because you see that reality is much different than the way you viewed it through shaded lenses. The dangerous part is when we are wearing glasses and can't even tell. This is often how it unfolds because when you have anger, depression or anxiety controlling how you look at the world it often blinds you to it's power by consuming your every thought. We have to remain strong and diligent. We have to be careful and stay constantly vigilant in our search for joy. Don't let emotions control your every move and every decision. For me this is one of the hardest things to do. But the first step is waking up and realizing when you aren't seeing straight. Then you can start to do something about it. On our hike today we went over and around the Sepulveda Dam here in the valley. I love the concrete architecture, the grand scale and the stark contrast between the massive structure and the sprawling meadow and grasslands. I went up right next to the dam and took a panoramic picture. When I saw it on my phone it stopped me for a second. The dam was there but the perspective had been warped, as if wrapped around an invisible sphere. As the picture stretched on it straightened out and became normal again. From my spot the perspective was warped, my spot. It reminded me how so often I let my feelings and emotions control me and how I react to situations. Without seeing it I cause my own anxiety and misery. I'm the only one who can change my perspective back to normal. What blinds you? What burdens and emotions control your feelings and direction? Face them, even if you can't find the perfect way to fight them yet the first step is to stop and realize just how skewed your vision has become. 

Making A List & Checking It Twice

I sat down this weekend and made a list of all of the things on my mind. I had so much going on and was so stressed out I could hardly think let alone attempt to write anything substantial. Start simple, write it out item by item and then go through and find a way to fix each thing. Then every worry will be taken care of and there will be no other choice left except to live life. So, let's go.
1. Work - Investigation

There's nothing I can do now. I told the truth and that is that. I did the right thing. Besides, sitting around now and worrying about it won't help or change anything. So I just have to keep going, at work and at home, and not think about it. No matter how hard it may be. I have to. It's the only way to save my sanity.
2. Work - Licensing

Two days down and only one day left. That first day the woman got a little stern with me, raising her voice to tell me not to interrupt her and when I apologized saying it again even louder. Oh my god, I was horrified. I couldn't believe it. For days afterward I was still upset about it, afraid she would write something about it in her report or mention it to the director above us. It's been driving me crazy. But the second day she was much calmer and nicer. I answered all her questions to her satisfaction. Whether it was what she wanted to hear or not I do not know. All I can do is relax tomorrow and make sure everything is in order in the charts for Tuesday. I've done all the work the way I was supposed and when I was supposed to and it's all filed in the charts. I just have to breathe and relax and keep a cool head. I can do that. The more I stress out now and worry the more likely I am going to be to screw up. Relax, breathe, forget about it and focus on what I'm doing right now.
3. Two Car Accidents
Well, what can I even say about this? The first small one that caused hardly any damage is pending as the owner said he was going to get a quote to fix it himself so we could just get it done. I am waiting to see how much that is going to cost now, dreading it more like it. I seriously can't afford anything over maybe a couple hundred dollars. What am I going to do? I don't have enough to pay off my credit card bills. The second one is going through the insurance and the only thing I have to worry about there is phone calls wanting details, having to get a quote on my truck and paying the deductible if I want (which I won't) and just waiting for the inevitable rise in insurance rates again. Because I didn't get a ticket or anything I don't see how it could get anything on my license but I guess I will see. Again, what am I going to do now anyway?
4. Bills & Credit Cards & Debt & Savings
Bills will get paid on time even if things are tight, they always are on time with no troubles except my own worry. I have help if I get myself into a desperate enough situation to warrant it. Credit cards will just have to take payment after payment of the minimum and sometimes a little more. It feels like I am never getting ahead but all I am going to do is keep paying and not using it and see what I can accomplish. My debt is there whether I want it or not and just like the credit cards they will get paid in time. I have some in my savings now, if I want more then I just need to cut back on other things and instead place that money in my savings account. It's all up to me to just do it if I want it done.
5. Health & Healthcare
I have two diseases but I am doing well,  I take my meds and I cope with things. I take it day by day. Sometimes even making it to the lab at Kaiser enough time before my doctor's appointment to get my blood results back is too much for me to take on. My partner sees that and he really steps up and helps me when I feel lost and confused and anxious. I have him to lean on to help me with this burden, it is not just mine to deal with on my own. I do also have my family who love and support me.
6. Learning to be myself in my relationship, and making us both happy
Stop thinking, just do it. The more you think about it the more you are going to screw it up.
7. Learning to be joyful when the world turns to ash
Isn't that why I am doing this? Making myself focus on the joyful and positive in life. Today I have just taken it literally moment by moment with the help of my partner through text messages. Without him to help me pace myself I would have been too overwhelmed to make it through more than a few hours. I wasn't going to fall apart, I'm not going to. I used the help I had and will have. He is my guardian angel.
I could feel everything brooding and swirling in the back of my mind all day but I had to just ignore it. Acknowledge that it is there, there is no point in wasting energy pretending something isn't there when it is. Then just push it back, put a blanket over it and watch it out of the corner of your eye. I forced myself to focus on exactly what I was doing and look, I made it through. After work we went on another two-and-a-half mile hike at the Sepulveda Dam Basin & Wildlife Refuge. I absolutely love it there, it's beautiful and it feels like you have left Los Angeles and have been transported to a beautiful sprawling forested area with lakes and wild flowers and bushes of every kind, each teeming with life. Walking along the ridge of the dam I was trying to get myself to stop being so stressed and upset. All of a sudden it hit me so hard I felt like an idiot. Just like I've said, joy means accepting the bad in life and working to focus on and spreading the good. That was what I needed to do; I had the answer the whole time. I began to think about each thing I was worried about and in my head I literally turned the image around and tried to see how I had been reacting negatively and how to look at it in another light. It can be hard, it always will be. That's how life is and there is nothing we can do about it. Just keep those reminders to stay joyful, to look at the silver linings and not to get lost in all the clutter and static. Do it for yourself, you'll thank yourself later.
So take everything that's troubling you and write it down, make a list. Do it right now, it shouldn't take too long. When you are done go back through the list item by item and think about why these things are bothering you and how you are causing your own misery by giving yourself nothing but the negative to live with. Look at each worry on that list and think about the good that is there as well or how you can't change it but you can cause it to go better by choosing to respond with a positive attitude and a willingness to learn and grow. Make your list, check it twice; if you can't find a positive way to deal with anything on that list ask for some help, some ideas. We are all in this together.