The Brass Mermaid

It has been so long it feels, since I have seen joy in the world around me. It's been only a few months but it feels like lifetimes because the impacts are the same either way. Here is just a preview of sow thing to come. Some works I have done on things that have brought me joy. Tonight I wanted to share the first inspiration, my little brass yearning mermaid. COMING SOON: what makes that rapturous glance so captivating and so achingly deep. 

Joy With Tami #8 - The Magic of Music

The hospital where I work buses us in from an offl-site parking lot. You know the usual grind, park, get on the bus, work 12 hours, get back on the bus, go home, and repeat!😞 Well, this particular morning, I got on the bus first to get a seat in the back. Everyone else got on and took a place, the short ride is only about 5-8 minutes. Meghan Trainor's song Dear Future Husband came on the radio and almost immediately the mood lightened; everyone was singing, some were even tapping their toes and heads were bobbing up and down. I think I can safely say that tune was going through everyone's head all that day. I hummed it all day and it really made my day so much better! 😃 It really felt like magic that stayed all day and I felt privileged to have that experience. I think magical moments are all around us,we just have to look! 

Tami is right. Like Jenny before her Tami has seen the importance and value of music in our lives. Just like Tami said, music is powerful; it can heal, it can transform and it can encourage. It is so easy to get distracted by the thousands of little things in life. Music is one way to help lift ourselves up, especially at the beginning of the day. That's the most important time of day to get your mind centered and focused because it dictates the rest of your day as well as your outlook. Do yourself a favor and start the day right. On the other hand keep in mind what you listen to, angry music leads to angry thoughts and an angry mind. Everything in its place, just try to start on a positive note and see what happens.

Joyful Jenny #7 - Mountains & Mountain Ranges

"When you lose what you love, remember to stay strong. Look out the
window and remember life goes on."

These are some lyrics to a great song called, "Curious" by Emblem3. It
reminds me that no matter what happens, I have to live my life to the
fullest. You only live once. There are times where you lose something so near and dear to your heart and you just feel like there's nothing else to do. You begin to surround yourself with negativity and think that it's the end for you. I have personally thought that at one point. I lost my grandma in 2012 and I will I admit that it still does hurt me. But I say to myself... Would my grandma really want to see me in tears? Would she like to see me hurting? I don't think so. Therefore, I manage to stay strong. I believe that as long as you stay positive and strong, you can overcome these mountains. Mountains aren't smooth. They have rocks in the way and you have to get over them at one point. So just think of life as a mountain. Having a positive and determined mind can help you stay happy. I know that from experience.
There's always going to be something in the way. But you have to get over it. Get passed that rock in your way. It's just a test to see how much you can handle until you make it to the top of that mountain. Show that mountain that you will conquer it. Strong and ready. Find
your joy in these lyrics in your own way. Say them to yourself every once in a while. You don't necessarily have to look at it the way I do or the way I explained it. But find your own. Everyone has their own view to life. Take yours and put it to these lyrics. It has helped me and I am so glad that I found these lyrics. They always help me through the rough times. It helps me find that joy and positivity that
we should all have.

The Most Precious Thing I Own Is My Wedding Ring

So, let's start with a reality check. I never had a boyfriend or significant other in middle or high school. My first relationship, an extremely toxic one that damaged me for a long time, happened when I was 17 with a man who was 24. That was a really bad time in my life. Before that the most exposure I had to romance and love was in the books I read and the movies I watched. I thought life was a Disney movie and those in love acted just as if they were in Romeo & Juliet. I learned a painful lesson in a hard way. I isolated myself from my family and friends and became reliant on the person tearing me down. All of this to say that my view of love was shattered. The only thing I ever dreamed of growing up was getting married, having that man who looks into my eyes and tells me he only wants me. Someone who would want to take care of me, who would want to sweep me off my feet and give me the world. I thought, and still do most of the time, of myself as nothing and all I wanted was that feeling of being loved and having someone else believe I was worth something. Something more than I could see. After that first relationship I never thought I would recover, a lot of very bad and dark things happened and it took me years to come to terms with it. But eventually I did; I still stayed out of relationships though. My next one wasn't until just before I graduated college in Tennessee and lasted only for a few months. After graduation and after I moved to LA I had maybe a handful of short-lived relationships that never went beyond the surface. 

My faith in love began to disappear. In the bright shining lights of Hollywood it was hard to see love anywhere. But, just like that, out of the blue, he appeared. We met online, today something that isn't so unconventional anymore, and hit it off right away. I know from the first night I met him he was the one. I was dating someone at the time, someone I had caught cheating on me more than once, and as I walked my newfound love out that first night I remember turning around the hallway corner and thinking about what I was going to do and say to my boyfriend to make sure I got to see this man again. Maybe it sounds bad, but to go from being treated like crap to being put first is an amazing difference. I never had anyone treat me the way he did. He forced us to move slow and stay friends for a few months before we made a move. And I remember that first move - a night out with our friends, feelings I could no longer hold back, liquor, loud music, a speaker and a kiss. A first kiss. One I will never forget. That started it all. 

It was the first time in my life that I felt truly special, really and truly wanted by someone. For someone like me who spent most of my life believing I wasn't good enough to be loved this was something unfathomable. Something so new it was overwhelming. I was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was 17 and it has been a long and rough journey up and down and all around. It taught me to hate myself for who I was and hate the things I did that I couldn't control. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't, separate me from my disease. I see myself as bi-polar and not me. My husband was the first person to see through that and see me for who I really am. I didn't see myself as worthy of anyone's love and I excepted to spend my life alone, always searching for someone who wasn't there. 

But I did find that person, or rather he found me. Through all the chaos and the mess, when I was least expecting it, he swept me off my feet and carried me away. I still can't believe it's true. It's so fantastical to me. The downside now is living with the bi-polar while I am with the love of my life. The ups and downs don't stop, they never go away. I can be so mean and uncaring without even realizing it. I can be terrible. I hate it, and it makes me hate myself even more. I cant fathom or understand why my husband has faith in me or even still loves me. No matter how I treat him he takes care of me and loves me and goes out of his way to protect me. I would do anything for him, and I do every chance I get. 

Our wedding rings are Tungsten Steel and Meteorite; our love is to infinity and beyond, as is inscribed on the inner side of the band. My wedding band is the most important and invaluable thing I own. It means the world to me, and more. I never thought I would get one, that someone would love me enough to give me one. When I put it on or see it on my finger it reminds me not only of the love that my husband and I share but also that I am worthy of being loved and someone out there thinks so. Yes I know I should believe that myself, and I do to a point, but my disease blinds me to it. This reminder keeps me going when I want to give up. It gives me strength and reminds me of what I have. To everyone out there, single and married, love is out there for you - don't forget. I went through hell and back before it found me, and it was only after I stopped looking. Never give up. Never. This morning my husband left for work before I got up, and after I got up to get ready and went into the kitchen I saw the surprise he had left me. Sitting there on the counter were two notes with a sandwich and chips for my lunch and my coffee ready to be made. I am loved so much and it means the world to me; the best gift in life is realizing someone loves you. Take a moment and show the people you love just how much they mean to you. It will mean the world to them. 

Tami Tuesdays #8 - Love Yourself

Love and respect yourself! Everyone is unique and special. No one has the right to bring you down in any manner, shape or form. Know your strengths and weaknesses and just love yourself. No one needs negativity in their life, and while you are at it, throw a little love and positive energy someone else's way. Pay it forward.Peace and Love!

Tami is exactly right, no one else can love or respect you until you can love and respect yourself. It's not always an easy thing to do, and sometimes it takes a lifetime to learn and master. In the meantime though we have to constantly be working on ourselves and working toward that love and respect. If you can't love yourself, it is impossible not only for others to love you but also to love others. We learn how to love through our relationship with ourselves and the growth that we go through everyday. Life can be mean and tough and hard, we have to shield ourselves from all of that using all of our strength and the tools we have available such as our husbands or wives, friends, family, co-workers and on and on. Know who you are and learn to love that person. If there is something you don't like about yourself start working on changing it. Change doesn't happen overnight, the respect for yourself comes in when you allow yourself the time and patience to keep trying until you do get it right. Never give up, you're worth it. And so is the love you have to share. 

Standing Alone On The Street Corner

Another day, another chance to shine. Or not to shine. I guess it all just depends. I realize more and more every day just how short, precious and fleeting life is. As I approach my thirtieth birthday I spend more and more time thinking not about the things I have accomplished, but about where I am in this life to launch myself from and where I am going to go. Do I have anywhere to go? Am I trapped by debt and student loans? What about bills and the price of living? All so much. I went to school for 4 years to get a degree I will be paying for for the rest of my life. More than anything I want to go back to school and get my Master's in Public Health in Epidemiology. Then I wouldn't have to worry about money, well after student loans, and I could travel the world and find a job anywhere. If I could do anything that's what I would do, but I'm stuck. I can't afford to work and go to school or take out more student loans on top of all my other bills. I have to take the GRE as well before I can even apply. It's been years since I was exposed to this math back in high school. It's tedious and time consuming and I get frustrated and never even start studying. 

I feel stuck, isolated and alone. I don't really have any friends, the ones I had I have pushed away - mostly for good reason. I cant take any more unnecessary drama or lying in my life. Some people just need to go no matter who they are. Of course in the end I end up not having anyone to turn to except myself. I have my parents and my brother of course, but there is only so much you can talk to family about. My husband has been my best friend from the moment we met, but even with him for some reason things don't work how they are supposed to. I cant open up and I feel isolated. I want to talk but I can't because either my head cant stop spinning or I know the response I'm going to get - the same as always, sympathy without understanding. I mean how can I expect more from someone who will never understand what it feels like to live with my brain and the chaos that it brings with every waking moment? It's hard to explain to him and even harder for him to underatand. When I feel that fire burning inside, when that anger begins to blind me and take over or when the mania starts to set in I can feel it coming but I don't know how to stop it. I've been trying for so long. Worse than that, it's like I can see a car crash happening with no control over the outcome. My husband used to be able to tell when I was acting like this and he would act preemptively to keep me grounded. He was my lighting rod. Lately though things have changed, mostly because of me. 

My husband now will mostly take a step back and let me deal with what I have to deal with. He will see it coming in my eyes and hear it in my tone and either let me have space to implode or give me something to chill me out and hopefully prevent a meltdown. It's not like how he used to come hold me until I stopped shaking, how he would lie in bed with me and hold me while he whispered in my ear until I fell asleep or relaxed completely. It was an amazing thing to have, and it always made me feel like I had someone who understood me and would be there to help me when I needed it most. Because of all I have done though things have begun to change. It's different now. It is as if I have pushed him away through all my manic episodes and attacks of frustration and anger that his only goal now is to make it out the other side alive. I can't really blame him though, I know I can be crazy and irrational, I hate that about myself. I really do. I think in the process of being me and trying to make it through and survive to the next battle I have left myself alone to face the future. 

I'm not sure what I feel more guilty about, being a person I hate or making people hate me. Well maybe not hate me, but hate the person I can be. I know I have been mean and cruel unintentionally and it kills me. Especially knowing I do it all the time to the person I love. I don't deserve for him to still be with me, but he is. These feelings have pushed us farther apart as well, we don't talk or share like we used to. We don't tell each other what the other is thinking. It's like walking on eggshells all the time, trying to always do the right thing. Maybe it's all me and how I am perceiving everything? How am I supposed to know, and what am I supposed to do? 

Being bi-polar my life is constantly up and down and always has been; even in the best of times I feel the tug of the depression and the mania, sometimes together. Recently they have begun changing all my medications again, this time for my liver and kidney function, but it's like starting all over again learning how to control who I am and how I feel. A lot of people don't understand bi-polar, it's pretty simple - being bi-polar means feeling every emotion on the spectrum to every degree at some point, combined and singularly, so that control feels like an illusion and life feels like a cage with steel bars. The worst part is knowing that you are the cause of all of this, and then the blame and guilt set in. I see myself as the bad guy, as the one causing all of this. Which leads to depression and closing myself of from those I really need. I stop talking because I feel like either no one cares or they are tired of listening. I don't like feeling like a bother, which is just about always. I see myself as a bad person even though I do good things and can help people, I will always feel that the harm I have caused outweighs the good. I feel like I am standing alone on a street corner waiting; waiting for direction, waiting for hope, waiting for inspiration ...waiting for a sign that I am worth it after all. I've left myself standing here alone, no one around to help hold my hand or guide me. Is this the way it's supposed to be? I'm not sure, I've never gotten this right before. Standing here which way do I go? How do I know the right way? Will I ever know? All I can do right now is try to ground myself as much as I can and mindfully press forward toward the next goal I can see, taking it one small step forward at a time. 

Joyful Jenny #6 - The Beauty Within

Beauty is something to value. Lots of people only look at the beauty on the outside. Like I say though, Physical appearance is something. But it's not everything. Many people are insecure because there are many famous people and models that have a certain figure. That leads us to believe that we have to look like that model on the front page
of the magazine. But we don't have to. The beauty is all on the inside. I don't think you should judge anyone on their appearance. It might be the first thing you see, yeah. But just because they're not physically attractive, doesn't mean you shouldn't take the time to see what they're like on the inside. Personally? I am insecure about many things. I am insecure on many levels, actually. I'm insecure because I know that I'm not the most attractive girl in the world. That's only because society has manipulated us into thinking we have to look a certain way. But I recently realized that your looks don't matter. But I'm also insecure of my personality. I'm afraid that people won't like the way I am. That honestly
terrifies me. There are times where some of us look in the mirror and don't like what we see. We try so hard to impress others with our looks but that's not how it should be. Girls sometimes think make up makes them look better. Honestly, it covers the real beauty. We're all
beautifully and wonderfully made. We shouldn't cover that up with a bunch of cosmetics. Be your natural, beautiful, and unique self. I'll admit, insecurity can destroy you in a mental way. It makes you think negatively towards yourself. But we need to start focusing on what really matters. Personality is a big part of you and we need to embrace it. If we start to focus on others and our self aside from
looks, I'm sure we can find so much more positivity. If we start to believe that we are beautiful no matter what, we will start to find some joy in not just others but within ourselves too. That is very
important. The beauty within you is what makes you. If you're insecure, start to think positive thoughts. Tell yourself you're beautiful every morning. It will help. Stay positive and be yourself. You're beautiful and unique in your own way. Don't let society or anyone tell you otherwise. Remember... You're
beautiful.