Standing Alone On The Street Corner

Another day, another chance to shine. Or not to shine. I guess it all just depends. I realize more and more every day just how short, precious and fleeting life is. As I approach my thirtieth birthday I spend more and more time thinking not about the things I have accomplished, but about where I am in this life to launch myself from and where I am going to go. Do I have anywhere to go? Am I trapped by debt and student loans? What about bills and the price of living? All so much. I went to school for 4 years to get a degree I will be paying for for the rest of my life. More than anything I want to go back to school and get my Master's in Public Health in Epidemiology. Then I wouldn't have to worry about money, well after student loans, and I could travel the world and find a job anywhere. If I could do anything that's what I would do, but I'm stuck. I can't afford to work and go to school or take out more student loans on top of all my other bills. I have to take the GRE as well before I can even apply. It's been years since I was exposed to this math back in high school. It's tedious and time consuming and I get frustrated and never even start studying. 

I feel stuck, isolated and alone. I don't really have any friends, the ones I had I have pushed away - mostly for good reason. I cant take any more unnecessary drama or lying in my life. Some people just need to go no matter who they are. Of course in the end I end up not having anyone to turn to except myself. I have my parents and my brother of course, but there is only so much you can talk to family about. My husband has been my best friend from the moment we met, but even with him for some reason things don't work how they are supposed to. I cant open up and I feel isolated. I want to talk but I can't because either my head cant stop spinning or I know the response I'm going to get - the same as always, sympathy without understanding. I mean how can I expect more from someone who will never understand what it feels like to live with my brain and the chaos that it brings with every waking moment? It's hard to explain to him and even harder for him to underatand. When I feel that fire burning inside, when that anger begins to blind me and take over or when the mania starts to set in I can feel it coming but I don't know how to stop it. I've been trying for so long. Worse than that, it's like I can see a car crash happening with no control over the outcome. My husband used to be able to tell when I was acting like this and he would act preemptively to keep me grounded. He was my lighting rod. Lately though things have changed, mostly because of me. 

My husband now will mostly take a step back and let me deal with what I have to deal with. He will see it coming in my eyes and hear it in my tone and either let me have space to implode or give me something to chill me out and hopefully prevent a meltdown. It's not like how he used to come hold me until I stopped shaking, how he would lie in bed with me and hold me while he whispered in my ear until I fell asleep or relaxed completely. It was an amazing thing to have, and it always made me feel like I had someone who understood me and would be there to help me when I needed it most. Because of all I have done though things have begun to change. It's different now. It is as if I have pushed him away through all my manic episodes and attacks of frustration and anger that his only goal now is to make it out the other side alive. I can't really blame him though, I know I can be crazy and irrational, I hate that about myself. I really do. I think in the process of being me and trying to make it through and survive to the next battle I have left myself alone to face the future. 

I'm not sure what I feel more guilty about, being a person I hate or making people hate me. Well maybe not hate me, but hate the person I can be. I know I have been mean and cruel unintentionally and it kills me. Especially knowing I do it all the time to the person I love. I don't deserve for him to still be with me, but he is. These feelings have pushed us farther apart as well, we don't talk or share like we used to. We don't tell each other what the other is thinking. It's like walking on eggshells all the time, trying to always do the right thing. Maybe it's all me and how I am perceiving everything? How am I supposed to know, and what am I supposed to do? 

Being bi-polar my life is constantly up and down and always has been; even in the best of times I feel the tug of the depression and the mania, sometimes together. Recently they have begun changing all my medications again, this time for my liver and kidney function, but it's like starting all over again learning how to control who I am and how I feel. A lot of people don't understand bi-polar, it's pretty simple - being bi-polar means feeling every emotion on the spectrum to every degree at some point, combined and singularly, so that control feels like an illusion and life feels like a cage with steel bars. The worst part is knowing that you are the cause of all of this, and then the blame and guilt set in. I see myself as the bad guy, as the one causing all of this. Which leads to depression and closing myself of from those I really need. I stop talking because I feel like either no one cares or they are tired of listening. I don't like feeling like a bother, which is just about always. I see myself as a bad person even though I do good things and can help people, I will always feel that the harm I have caused outweighs the good. I feel like I am standing alone on a street corner waiting; waiting for direction, waiting for hope, waiting for inspiration ...waiting for a sign that I am worth it after all. I've left myself standing here alone, no one around to help hold my hand or guide me. Is this the way it's supposed to be? I'm not sure, I've never gotten this right before. Standing here which way do I go? How do I know the right way? Will I ever know? All I can do right now is try to ground myself as much as I can and mindfully press forward toward the next goal I can see, taking it one small step forward at a time. 

Tami Tuesdays #7 - Purge & Embrace

Purge & Embrace! Spring cleaning time is here; I've been taking the winter clothes and putting them in storage before taking out the Spring and Summer clothes and getting them ready for the season. This always prompts me to put a yard sale together. Going through clothes and items you haven't used in a while always takes a long time. My process is to decide into keep and give piles and then I have to take a trip down memory lane with each item. It is amazing that an item or piece of clothing has such an intense memory. Although I have an attachment to things, I love the thought of giving them another chance in a new home. Let someone else make wonderful memories!!!

Spring cleaning is one of the best times of the year. Whether it's cleaning out your mind, your priorities or your closet it is a time for fresh beginnings. Before those beginnings though come the reflection on the things that have passed. Cherish and hold close the memories you have, even the bad dark ones. They have helped shape you into the person you have become. Everything you own says something about you. When you pick up an item does it give you Joy or does it not? That should be your deciding factors.
I love to read so much, I always have. I have a rule about my books, I never see or trade back. I always either keep for myself to read again or I give away to a charity or someone I know who will read it. I love that feeling of passing on something that brought me good memories and knowing that it will bring good memories to someone else. Clean out your closet and dust off your shelves for some Spring Cleaning, get rid of the things that you no longer need and cherish the memories you have. Have a Yard Sale, give it to charity or someone in need and move on. A fresh start.

One Step At A Time, Never Thinking Of More Than What Surrounds You

My biggest problems in life have always been depression and anxiety. Even when I was a kid I remember lying in bed at night and praying for the safety and health of me, my family, my friends, my friend's family, friends of my friends and their families too. Over and over I would go through everything in my head like a practiced rhythm, making sure to include every tiny detail and person. I would pray for people I didn't know, for strangers and neighbors. I couldn't stand the thought or worry over someone being hurt, and believe it or not those thoughts were always there no matter what I did. But if I went through my rituals it helped me cope and made things more bearable. I of course have always missed the fact that the problem isn't trying to find rituals to cope but to learn to live without the anxiety to begin with. Taking it day by day has always been a foreign concept to me, therefore so has happiness. I mean, I know what it feels like to be happy, but true happiness I didn't discover until a few short years ago. I still struggle today, but it is much easier than before. Learning how to live both Joyfully and Mindfully have guided me to a life not free of bad things and negativity, but free of needless anxiety and worry over things that are neither under my control nor even necessary to worry about. 

I have ground my teeth bad since I was a young kid, probably starting in high school. By the time I got to college the dentist asked if I had a stressful job because I had ground my k9's completely flat, all of my teeth were and are now completely flat. When I get really stressed I will do it throughout the day without even realizing. That's when the headaches get really bad, although I still get plenty in the mornings from nighttime grinding. The sound, just thinking about it makes me cringe and tremble. I wear a night guard now and it helps most of the time. The point is I really take anxiety to heart and I don't let go. It has really been a challenge for me to let go of the reigns and allow myself to just be. When you think about it though, it is all we truly have. The here and now, what is right in front of us. That is life, our lives. The lives we are supposed to be living. All we have is today because we really have no freaking idea if we will be alive tomorrow. That thought has terrified me since I was a little kid, knowing I could and would eventually die any day of any number of things. That is what makes life precious, that is what makes it mean something. We are only here for a short time and what we do in that time is what matters. Our lives have value because they are mortal. Just like a rose has its value because it will eventually wilt and die and no longer be beautiful. 

We have to think of life like a flower, it's going to end sometime in the future and we have to live every moment to the fullest because we don't know how many of them we are going to get. You never know what you have until it's gone. I wear my mala beads everyday under my shirt to work, to the store, around the house, and they are amazingly calming. There are times where I won't have too long but I will stop for even just a few seconds and recite my mantra moving bead to bead and focusing my intention and thoughts. It makes me feel safe, it makes me feel a little stronger. My mantra helps too. That's the first step. Pick one for yourself if you don't have one, think about it and make it something that is important to you. Something that has meaning. Something that is relatively short and easy to remember and repeat. Make it something that describes who you feel you really are, make it something to give you strength and empower you. I was walking through the multi-level and multi-enclosure Aviary at the LA Zoo the other day when I saw this staircase going down. I was so busy looking over the edge at the birds and small animals that I took each step slowly and carefully and used the railing to help my clumsy self. It reminded me of being mindful and living in the present, literally taking it one step at a time. The path ahead curved downward, how fitting to complete the metaphor for life. You don't know what's coming, no one does. Live today to the fullest while making sure tomorrow is secured. Don't waste time over worry and unnecessary stress, all stress is unnecessary by the way. Things will always get rough, find your mantra and be mindful. Taking it one step, one day, at a time is the best place to start when you want to take control of your life and turn it into one filled with Joy and free of anxiety and stress. 

Tami Tuesdays #5 - Friends

Friends: 

I have been very lucky to have some close friends thru out my life. Lisa and Kathy have been by my side since first grade and for many years afterwards. Even when I moved far away.our spirits were never apart. Maureen is a found friend later in life. She was my parachute during my separation and divorce. Those three strong, wonderful women have been not only friends but life coaches and sisters. My life has been blessed. If you have such fabulous friends in your life, let them know and celebrate each other!

It is so easy to get lost in life and the everyday things that happen, but it is important to remember the foundation we have that helps define us and make it through those days. That foundation includes the friends that we have, the close ones. The ones who lift us up and are there for us in our darkest moments. We choose to let them in our lives and our hearts and they choose to be there for us. Don't forget to say thank you to those who have been there for you, those close to your heart. In return, try to emulate their behavior and be there for the people you love when they are going through hard times, when they need you. We can't live in a bubble, we all depend on each other to survive. The more we fight that fact the more stress and angst we cause ourselves. Let it go, be honestly thankful and do the same for those around you. That's how to live a Joyful life.

Staying Grounded Through The Chaos, The Storm, The Calm & The Stressful

I haven't been able to post much the past week and a half or so, it seems like life has just been crazy. With work pretty much completely taking over my life it was hard enough to get things done, it took all my free time to keep my sanity and keep me afloat. It really has been non-stop, all day for over a week. I'm not complaining, I do love my job and I know I can handle it all, it's just that after that long I start to go from tired to exhausted. I hate how I felt after finally getting some time off this afternoon. It felt amazing to just relax in bed, read a book, take a nap and even get up and cook dinner for me and my husband. It felt great to do something for me, to take care of me. It was also nice to have a moment to breathe and look back at everything I had just gone though. To reflect. 

Looking back I wanted to figure out what had gotten me through so well, what had kept me so much more grounded than I thought or expected of myself. Every step of the way, even through the unexpected situations, I kept reminding myself of the things I was Joyful about, the things I had to be Joyful about and the things the helped remind me of who I was. I wore my Mala-bead necklace and even when I couldn't meditate completely I could still touch the wooden beads on my neck and take a second to repeat my mantra for five or six beads and keep myself grounded. Just feeling them under my shirt or playing with them absentmindedly kept reminding me that I had to just stay true to myself and keep myself grounded. I took time to be mindful and live in the present. I slowed myself down at every step, at every point when something crazy happened or came up, I took a second to just look at what was going on around me in that moment and what needed to be dealt with right now. It's quite calming, living in the present, even if you can only do it for a few minutes at a time here and there. It all starts with practice and practice makes perfect. 

Normally I would have overreacted so many times over to so many different things that happened, but I didn't. Being more mindful of being mindful can help though. It sounds dumb, but by spending  so much time reminding myself to be mindful and thinking about how to be more mindful I made myself a little more mindful. It shows that it really does work, but you get out of it what you put into it. If you try, if you really want it, then it will come. All you have to do is open yourself up and be willing to let go and just be. Live in the here and now, both when times are crazy and when times are going smoothly. The other day out in our side garden at home I was watering the plants and something really neat caught my eye. On one of the tree stumps we have there was a rainbow, but a rainbow spot so bright it looked as if it had been painted on. I thought for a second that it had been, until I waved my hand and made it disappear. I couldn't figure out where it came from, but it looked so awesome. It was truly living in the present, at that moment the sun was shining just right and refracting off something to create a rainbow in just this spot. Even something that seems as intangible as a rainbow, or mindfulness, shines so bright it casts it's beautiful shadow of color all over. Never underestimate the power of mindfulness. Don't forget how much it can help you, help you live and help you grow. Never give up and hold on to your Joy everyday, that's what we have in this life. The everyday, and the Joy we can find in it. 

Joyful Jenny #4 - The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can't see it yet.
I know once I'll get there...
I will be all set.

I dream and wish and hope... 
That it'll all be fine.
And when it gets hard to cope, 
I'll take that light and shine.

These here are lyrics to a verse that I wrote for a song. I believe that these lyrics can help anyone reach their dreams. We all have a dream. I know that it sometimes feels as if we aren't able to get to them. But trust me, one day you will. Basically, these lyrics say almost the exact wording. Everyone has their own tunnel. Their own little path of life. I have mine and I can honestly say that behind me, it's very dark. But the lights recently just started to dim. I know there's a light at the end of my tunnel. I may not be almost there. But I know that there is one. There's always a bright side to most things. Sometimes, we feel like we can't make it. But like these lyrics say, take that light and shine. Make it your own. It doesn't have to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's a small lantern that you found along the way to make things a little easier. Make the best of that light. There are going to be obstacles. We all have to face them at one point. Just know that it will get better. It's getting better for me. So, why can't it for you? Okay. I'm going to be honest. Sometimes, when people tell me to look on the bright side, I can get a little frustrated with them. Some situations really don't have a bright side and some people just don't seem to understand that. But that doesn't mean it's the end of your joy or happiness. It just means you need to move on from that dark abyss you were once in. I know, that there's sometimes no bright side. For example, my grandma who passed away. There was no bright side there. But I managed to move on with my life and not let it get me down. Sure, I still shed a tear every once in a while. But I know that that's not what my grandma wants for me. So I keep it going. But you can always leave that dark part of your tunnel behind you. It's hard, I know. I totally understand from personal experience. But it's not going to make it easier if you keep dwelling over something. Move on and reach that light at the end of your tunnel of life. Don't reach right away though. You still got a long way to go. But find that lantern that will help you along the way. It'll all be fine. I know it. Just have the hope. It'll all be worth it. You will reach whatever it is you are reaching for. Once it's right in front of you, grab that dream and give it all you got. No one can define your future but you. I think that many people can find their light if they just believe in themselves. Also, remember that sometimes there are times where you can reach the light at the end of the tunnel. But once you get there, there's another tunnel. Life is full of good and bad things. There are times where we feel as if we want to give up. But don't. Keep it going for yourself, not others. Remember to always do things because you want to do it and not to just please others. But yes, sometimes it's nice to do things for other people who deserve it. Just remember, get through the tunnel of life and find your light. 

Joyful Jenny #3 - Stay Strong

I'm sure you've all heard the small saying, "Stay Strong." 

Well, those two little words mean something to everyone. But there's always a different story behind it. I just wanted to reflect on the passed two little passages I've written. Remember to not let anyone tell you who you are or what you can't do. Remember to always have someone by your side through the good and the bad. Now, take a moment and think about your life. Just think. 

I'm sure what you were thinking had to do with your past, am I right? It happens naturally. Let me dip in to a personal point of view. 

When I think about my life, I think about my past. A little more than I probably should, actually. But despite all the rough times, I remember that I have to stay strong. I've gone through a long series of ups and downs. When I was smaller, I was so outgoing and not afraid of anything. I would do things I wanted. Quietly, but I did it. I got into sports and loved to play soccer. My father wanted to put me on a soccer team. We found the perfect team. But they needed a doctors permission because of my visual impairment. So we asked my doctor. He said that I wasn't able to join any kind of contact sports. And that's where it all began... 

I was upset. Sports were my thing and I wanted it to always be that way. But my sporting dreams were crushed. I eventually replaced it with music. I turned to music because I was able to sing songs about how I feel. I got serious about my music and kept it going. I was having a great time just singing and writing lyrics. But then it all just...went downhill. I started to lose my vision. I became super sad. Really angry at myself, insecure, I felt worthless,  and I felt trapped. Later, i lost my beautiful grandma. May she rest in peace. 2012 was not my year. There were long nights of overthinking, crying, but hiding it all behind one simple and fake smile. I managed to pull through for the next three years. 

I noticed that the nights just got longer and longer. Overthinking got out of hand way too often. Crying was constant. And so I just fell... Faster than Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. I was lost and scared. I thought it would always be that way. I got use to the pain. I was emotionally and mentally tired. But that's when I soon realized I need to stay strong. I need to keep fighting. I can't keep hurting myself. I can't do this. I can't do it for me or my family. And so now I'm a sixteen year old who has really low vision, restarted her life because of the vision loss,  but I am full of love, joy, and I have wonderful people along my side. Thanks to Mackenzee, my best friend, who has put up with me late at night when I'm overthinking. And my loving and supportive family that remains strong. And that helps me stay strong. 

So remember... Stay strong. You're a warrior. You may have been broken and bruised at one point. And you may have scars. But don't let those scars define you. If anything, your scars make you even more beautiful. They show how much a strong soldier you are. They show that you have managed to... Stay strong. Love, peace, and joy will help you through it. I promise. 

The Joy of Doing Things For Others - Especially When It's An Unexpected Surprise

One of my favorite things in life is doing things for other people; because I am shy it is mostly for my family, friends and coworkers, but I love it none the less. You should see me at Christmas time. It's crazy, and so is my credit card statement. It doesn't really bother me though. I really love going out of my way picking things out for my mom, my dad, my brother, his wife and my nephew Daniel. Oh, and Grandma too and of course my husband. I love finding those random unique things out that you would never find anywhere else. I love just thinking about how big it will make them smile. Gift giving, from the heart, is one of the easiest and most sure-fired ways of spreading Joy. It doesn't have to be something big in any way, it just has to have some meaning behind it. Maybe it's getting your best friend a copy of the movie you guys used to watch everyday in college, or maybe it's bringing in coffee for everyone at work in the morning. It could just be giving someone an extra piece of chocolate or candy, anything. True gift giving means taking something of yourself and giving it to another with the sole intention of bringing them Joy.
Gift giving can be so easy today, at work when I do my in-services three or four times a year I always have a Jeopardy or Review game with candy. All I do is go to the 99-cents store and spend less than $5 on bags of candy. Of course everyone loves it when I teach the in-service, because they love the candy. What they don't also see is how much they learn in the process without realizing it. Even then, everyone always smiles when they get a question right, even with a helpful nudge, and get some candy out of it. It was a way for me to teach what I had to professionally while also spreading Joy as well. Something small and negligent, but being mindful and in the moment, something that brought just a little bit of Joy to people's day where they normally wouldn't get any.
Lots of times people ask us for favors or assistance with things, and in that way do something for them by giving the gift of time and whatever else it is that you have that they obviously don't. It feels good to take time to stop and ask someone if they need help with something. What about the old woman loading groceries in her car or the friend asking for a ride to work. There are the times where we can passively say yes and still cause some Joy, but the times that really mean something are those active times when we stand up and take action without provocation to try and make someone else a little more Joyful. The look on someone's face when you truly surprise them out of nowhere is the best. I remember the giant box with my candy and t shirt and everything else from the girls at work for Valentine's Day, I was grinning from ear to ear and bright red, Something like that, that really doesn't take much effort, can make a real impression on someone and their day. I will never forget the two off-duty Rescue Squad workers who stopped and helped me change my flat tire when they were on their way home after a shift. They didn't know my brother and my dad were on the Rescue Squad too. I thought that was really awesome. And I'll never forget.
I really try to go out of my way now and do things for others, even the smallest of things. I try to always open doors for people or get up and unlock the door when people come to the group home. Everyday, before I go home I ask my administrative staff there with me and the lead staff in the houses if they need anything before I leave. I stop and say hi and talk for a few minutes when I come in to the house everyday. The gift of time and meaningful attention can be even more powerful than a tangible gift. It has been hard for me lately, especially with my anger issues that I am still working on, but I still try constantly, never stopping. I try to surprise my husband on an almost daily basis with tiny things and big things, silly things and funny things - things to make us both laugh and smile together. Today, I was showing  him the trailer for the new Jungle Book movie and he could see how excited I was. Being such a huge fan of the original cartoon classic I assumed he would be just  as enthusiastic. When the trailer finished and I finally moved I turned to him and asked if we could go this weekend to see it. He said yes, of course; he will always do things like that if he thinks it's something I want because he truly wants to make me happy. He has a heart of gold, and I don't deserve him at all. Anyway, when he answered he sounded less than enthusiastic, so a little bit later I asked if he really wanted to go see the Jungle Book. He looked at me and said not really, he wanted to see the comedy that had come out the weekend before. To be fair, it was a funny movie we both wanted to see as well. A few more hours pass and at home I get on my iPhone and Fandango and ask if he would see the Jungle Book with me tonight at our favorite local theatre where we can reserve seats ahead of time. He said sure without glancing up from his phone, with no real positive or negative inflection in his tone. What I didn't tell him was I wasn't buying tickets for the Jungle Book. I got tickets for that comedy he wanted to see. All he knows is the movie time, he has no idea and I have the mobile tickets on my iPhone. So he won't find out until we either get to the ticket line or actually walk into the individual theatre. I am so excited, I know it's dumb, but I am so terrible at surprises. Because I love giving things and doing things so much I also have a hard time waiting. I just get so excited for whoever it is, everyone knows I'm terrible that way. So if I can pull this off and fool him until we get there I am going to first be amazingly happy to have made him happy and surprised him, but secondly also a little proud of myself for being able to wait and pull it off. I just wanted to see him truly smile, not that normal "things-are-ok" smile, but that silly mischievous smile that comes only when truly letting go of the stress and terrible things of the world around you. Try to do something for someone around you, maybe the next time someone asks. Don't be so closed to taking a moment out of your schedule and routine to help someone else. Wouldn't it be nice if someone stopped to help you when you really needed it? Of course. Doing things for others is a simple way to bring Joy not only into your own life but into the world and the lives of those around you. Like I said, it doesn't haven't to be big or expensive, just meaningful and heartfelt. Stay Joyful & surprise someone, especially when their not expecting it.

The Embodiment of Joy & The Mindfulness of Pets

I think there is a lot that we can learn from animals, but not just animals in general - pets in particular. Animals have lived along & beside us on this planet for millennia, but it is interesting the ones that we have been able to domesticate and to what degree and even then what changed about them over time. I wonder if my Chihuahuas would be different if they lived years and years ago before they would have been domesticated, I am assuming somewhere in South America. We have changed them, for better or worse; we intervened as we so often do and will continue to so long as we have the mentality that everything on this planet is disconnected. I always had a pet growing up, a small family dog. When I was young there was a small black dog I think, I only really have one memory of him - watching The Little Mermaid spread out on the white quilt in front of the television with him nuzzled up next to me. Then there was Nicki who stayed with us for the rest of his life, he was a little mix of Yorkie & some other breeds. He was small, but not tiny small. My brother and I would help take care of him. We had our first big dog Jake when I was in high school, and he just recently passed away at my parent's house in Tennessee. Losing a pet is hard because we become so attached to them. We may cry when our favorite figurine or figure breaks but it stops after a minute or two. Losing a pet is like losing someone in your family, your pain stays forever and hurts like knives of steel. It's because, unlike those figures, that pet loved you back.
You can see it in their eyes, especially when you come home from anywhere. Dogs, up to an extent, forgive their owners for almost anything. Even when you mess up they come around and come back to you because they love you and want to be by your side. If you don't believe me see how protective they get when someone else comes around, even if they aren't loud about it. Or watch when he or she gets scared or nervous in public or in large groups and where they turn to. To you. At one time my therapist wrote me a Rx for an Emotional Support Therapy Dog. She got registered and all, but when it comes down to it she isn't like a blind-assistance dog. For me though, she kind of is. We share the same birthday, a fact we didn't know until about 8 months after rescuing her. How odd is that, the same day in June? Maybe thats what explains the connection between us. She looks at me and she always knows what I'm thinking. She can tell in a moment if I am becoming insecure or upset or unhappy or nervous and she will come next to me and won't leave. We calm each other down and always know when one of us needs the other. It was funny the other day when she got frustrated with me, on the bed she nudged my hand an inch in one direction. I looked at her and she did it again, and again, and again and then my hand hit a pillow. She wanted me to pick the pillow up and cover her up. So as soon as I picked it up she curled back up and I covered her with the pillow as she passed out like a light. I know they do not compare to having a child, but dogs are complex emotional beings who live with you and become a real dynamic and part of your family and your heart. My other chihuahua is still a puppy and so rambunctious it drives us crazy most of the time. She is never still, from the moment she wakes up until the moment she passes out. The only break is either work or unleashing her at the dog park. She is sweet though, and so loving and trusting. She falls asleep curled up right next to me when I am sitting in or on the side of the bed working. It's like she melts into you, sometimes you can't even tell at first. She will even fall asleep with her head resting on my hand. The trust in that moment alone brought me so much Joy it's indescribable. Having a dog like my little Dany though, who knows me just as much as myself and is in tune with my every flaring emotion, is the best thing in the world. When I get anxious she starts trembling for no apparent reason. When I am normal and relaxed she is calm and stable. We keep each other going, we are each others Joy. She is just as much a part of my family as my loving husband.It's also funny to note how pet's have no concept of the future beyond where will they get their next meal and some attention. They also do not live in the past or dwell on memories. They react, they act, they live in the now. They live in this moment because it's what they are thinking of. We could learn a thing or two about that. When you take your dog for a walk in the afternoon and his tongue is hanging out and he looks like he's smiling as he walks all cool like down the street notice him or her and what they are doing. They aren't worrying about the bills, they are looking at the tree next to them and how tall it is. What about those huge flowers over there covering that wall? They look at the sidewalk and the grass, the fenceposts and signposts. They enjoy taking in each part of the walk and savoring it as if each step were through a different universe, each step needing to be enjoyed. Dogs, or most dogs, have mastered the art of mindfulness. If you have a pet, lie down and chill with him or her. Turn on some music or soft tv or whatever you want. Play with each other for a few minutes, even just 5, and see if after that you aren't thinking more mindfully. Like how his fur felt on your hand, or how her tongue felt on your fingertips or how his nose wet the tip of your nose. Enjoy your pet and learn a lesson, a lesson of mindfulness and Joy.

"The Wisdom of Joy From Jerry" #2 - Spring

This is my favorite time of year, springtime. The weather is perfect and it's easy to find Joy because it's all around you. I mean look at springtime; trees getting their leaves and flowering, flowers blooming, dead shoots coming back to life. Everything about this time of year is perfect to me, it feels like a fresh new start; like a breath of fresh air into everything around you. Even putting dozens and dozens of bags of mulch down in the backyard around the bases of the trees isn't a chore because you're outside and interacting with the outdoors. It's even better doing it with someone you love, it makes it even more enjoyable. My wife and I are always working together in the yard and inside on projects and planting things. New starts and new beginnings all the time, life is always changing and there is never a better chance than springtime to witness that.
Another thing I love about Spring is getting ready for camping season. Camping is one of the joys of my life. For as long as I can remember I have loved spending time outdoors and one of the best ways to do that is to go camping. Growing up I would go camping with friends, of course in the Army and always with my family throughout the years. When my kids were growing up we would take an annual vacation every year and drive across the country traveling and exploring. We wanted to expose them to more than just the little bubble around their lives. Spring just tends to bring out that sense of wonderment and adventure. The last time I was at the Grand Canyon was with my son on our way to Los Angeles when we were moving his stuff out there. While we didn't get to camp on that particular trip we spent two days there enjoying the Grand Canyon in Spring. Over a decade earlier, as a family, we had taken three days to hike to the bottom of the canyon and back up again. To spend another Spring moment there with my son was a treasure. There is nothing more majestic than the true beauty and awe of nature. 
Spring is the most joyful time of the year for anyone and everyone, it symbolizes fresh starts and new beginnings. Some say Fall, some Winter and some Summer, but to me it will always be Spring. The temperature may fluctuate a little, but the air is warm, fresh and crisp and you can smell growth everywhere in the air. The magic of nature, the magic of Spring. 

Breath In, Breath Out - 15 Second Savior

One trick that I have been focusing on lately is what I call the "15-Second Pause." I have this program that teaches me mindfulness and about what it is and what it means. It helps me practice and prompts me when I need it. One of the things it uses to help is the pause feature, which is available at any time from the homescreen. There's a 15 second circular loop in the middle of the screen and as the outside of the loop goes around to complete the countdown it prompts you to breathe in and breathe out twice. The background screen changes to one of twenty or more moving backgrounds; they are all animated nature or relaxing videos. It gives you 15 seconds to focus on something beautiful that is going on right in front of you. The goal is that while

breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth just twice and focusing on what you are seeing or what is really around you you can return back to your awareness of reality with an enhanced balance and mindfulness, in tune with the world around you. This is the chance to, when you look up from the exercise, look at what is around you now. Focus on being mindful of the present and what is going on all around you. Enjoy it and your life instead of worrying about things you can't control or living in the past or future. By spending all our time being upset for whatever reason at whomever about the past or all our time worrying about or planning for the future we miss out on the present. It's called the present for a reason. Really. Learn to be mindful, use these 15-second breaks to help. You can use the timer on you iPhone or look at a relaxing picture for 15 seconds - just make sure to breathe in and out two times. In through the nose and out through the mouth. It's a cliche, but it's true, don't forget to stop and smell the roses - you never know when you will be back and if they will even be in bloom. Take a minute to slow down and see things for what they really are, see what's really going on all around you. Live for today. Don't miss out on the life you've been given. 

You can download the app if you want - it's called "Mindfulness Daily" by inward inc - here's the link for the App Store:

https://appsto.re/us/_bIYP.i

Introducing - Tami Tuesdays - Fun, Silly & Positive Joy From Down South

Some days are just extra joyful. Today was one of those days. My best friend Lisa and I call them Goddess days.Those are the days when we both have a day or afternoon off together and meet for manis & pedis, lunch, shopping, movies ect. Today we went downtown to a favorite eatery for martinis and a wonderful lunch.We then walked in the sun from shop to shop buying fun summer jewelry, scented candles and soaps. Lisa then got an unexpected call about her Dad. He has been struggling with chemo but today was joyous news. The Dr. said his x-rays looked fantastic! So we stopped at another favorite place, sat outside and toasted his good news with a glass of wine. That is of course what Goddesses do.That was the cherry on the ice cream sundae of one of the best days! Our Goddess days don't happen as often as we would like. When they do it is pure joy!

Tami F

Here to bring us her own person Joy is Tami, our Southern Flavor of Fun & Joy. Tami is so silly and yet so supportive and an amazing friend. I have known her since 2009 and have enjoyed every moment. I just wanted to share a little bit with you about this awesome woman who is going to be sharing about herself. Mrs. Tami held the unit together on the floor of the hospital I worked on in Tennessee. Everyone loved her, she always went out of her way to make you smile and laugh. She always had a little surprise or something silly to make you smile. We talked about classic movies and horror movies in between goofing off and laughing. I remember one Valentine's Day we met downtown at this beautiful restaurant and sat at a hightop table near the front window. I remember that she got me a box of Chocolate Strawberries from Godiva I believe, I mean like heaven in a box. I have never in my life, before or after that, seen strawberries that big. And that dark chocolate was so amazing I about died. She also gave me one of the movies we always joked about. She gave me "Despicable Me" on Blu-Ray/DVD. I still have that movie, and it came with a digital copy. It makes me think of her every time I look at it. I love it, it makes me laugh so much from beginning to end because of its silliness and just carefree laughs. I miss having Ms. Tami around, but at least now we will still get to remain close through the Joy being shared that brings us all together.

Voices of Joy

The farther along I get in this blog the more I contemplate what I want to do with it and how I want to use it to actually make a difference and make a change. Change starts with one individual, one voice among the many others. While I try to make my voice heard I also realize and embrace the fact that I am but one in a sea of voices. I try to find the Joy in my life, even when it takes all my strength, because it is what keeps me going. It is how I survive. I search out those things that bring me Joy and hold on to them. So hopefully do you, and everyone else reading this, and on and on. We all have our own individual Joy and our journey through life is made worth taking by the Joy that we find in life along the way. Living in the here and now is a hard thing, but the more we work on it, the more we focus on it and just kind of let go and try the better off we are. This blog is about my pursuit of my Joy and sharing it with you all in the hopes that I can inspire someone to find the Joy in their own life.

But I also want it to be about other voices, other points of view. There is more than just one kind of person in the world and an infinite number of perspectives people can have. We are all ourselves with our own unique story, vision and wisdom. Each of us has been through a unique set of experiences in life and the more we can learn from our Joy and share it with others the more we can help them through similar situations or just in general. Our individualism is what makes us amazing, what make us unique. Like the lines in the bark of a tree, not one ever the same. For the tree itself and for the tree as a whole. Each tree is unique and as well the pattern is never repeated within the tree. The tree and bark adapt as they grow and things happen. We are like trees in that way, we are unique and yet connected and interwoven into the world around us, above ground where it is easy to see and ten times more so underground where we lie down our roots. While being the tree, we are also each like a small piece or part of that unique natural pattern. Up close things look disconnected and chaotic, but from far away, when perspective changes, the beautiful tapestry of that towering tree that is at least decades old becomes clear.

I have decided to include three other voices on the blog on a weekly basis to help show other people's Joy and what it means to him or her. Joy comes from the smallest things in life and this can help us see that and see the simple Joy in our own lives. The first woman, with her southern wit and charm, is Ms. Tami F. We are going to have Tami Tuesday's and get updates on Tami and her Joy and learn through her experiences. Jenny, a tough & growing young LA woman, will be coming to us one day of the week as well - probably Wednesday. That leaves the last and final new voice, Jerry J - retired from the army, civil & public service, telecommunications and so much more - will be coming to us on Thursdays to help lead us into the end of the week and the weekend. I wanted to bring on these three voices to help show the diversity of Joy and how, yet, it can still bring it all together. We can learn from each other and grow together and be Joyful together. I am really excited and can't wait to see what everyone has to say! We can make it along the way focusing on the pursuit of our own Joy, the secret though is sharing it and accepting it from others. That's what makes it mean more and makes it stay with you.

My Joy - The Story of 15 Tattoos

We all have stories to tell; something that has always fascinated me is the way art can tell a story without having to speak or even elicit words. To me, that's what tattoos are. Works of art, whose canvas is the human body. The tradition goes back to the beginning of civilization in one form or another. People have always felt the need to put something permanently on their body, sometimes for others to see and sometimes not. It has been done as part of tradition, as an expression of self, to stand for or symbolize something, but always to mean something. Every tattoo I have ever gotten I have put thought into. Each one means something different and important to me. All of them, in some way, represent a piece of joy that I want to carry with me forever. I would like to walk you through the 15 tattoos I have, so far, and what they mean to me and why. Along the way we can learn some of the history and science behind tattoos as well. Maybe by sharing the story of my art I can inspire Joy in someone else. Here goes.