A New Token

This little guy I found at the museum last night in the gift shop. Standing not even half an inch tall, it resembles a perfect miniature skull. It's black with some white veins and so smooth to the touch that it's almost like glass. I carry it with my tiny little stone heart in my pocket. It's a reminder. A reminder that I am the one in control of my own fate, my own destiny. It's up to me to do something if I want something done, and I don't have forever to do it. Time, as life, is limited. Whenever I reach in my pockets when I'm getting the keys to my truck or my chap stick or I am sitting at my desk at work I will have a constant little reminder. A reminder of how I should be living my life. Joy is something we work for and hold on to, give yourself something to physically hold and you'll be sure to recall the strength you need. 

Love is Special, All Kinds of Love - PART II

The other day I reflected on love and the power it has to drive and motivate us. It is all around us and embedded in every action and intention. Love takes varying forms, shapes and sizes but always has one thing in common - when you love someone you think about them and their needs before your own. Love for your best friend won't be the same as the love for your husband, but they are both evolving and organic forms of love and compassion. When we interact with others we have the opportunity to pass that love along and spread joy through a chain reaction started by one simple act. The chain reactions we cause are infinite, but it is up to us whether we cause a positive or negative reaction. Whether they help or harm the world around us. Most of the time not acting causes just as much of a reaction. Just another reason to make a decision now, because in the end it won't be up to you. 
When you think of all the interactions you have throughout the day it becomes overwhelming. So many changes in the world, however minute. We find joy through the positive interactions. This means that other people can influence whether or not we are placed in joyful or potentially disheartening situations. As well though we must face responsibility. We are in control of most of our lives and decisions which means that with practice we should be able to make at least most of our lives joyful. By practicing small routines or carrying little tokens we can remind ourselves of the things that give us joy so that when we are faced with another decision there will be that positive energy behind you. What's even better than creating a life of joy for yourself is to be with someone who helps keep you up as well as encourages you to focus on the things you hold dear. That is where all those different forms of love come into play. The bonds that tie us together in order to lift us up. When we find these we must hold on to them for dear life because they are the bonds that keep us floating in deep waters. 
A token can be anything that brings a joyful memory back, anything that represents love. These tokens can be much stronger than you think and give a lot more strength than you can imagine to the carrier. When I first met my partner I was with someone else and slowly but suddenly fell for him and wanted nothing more than to be whisked away by a real life prince. He slowed things down though. First we were friends, then when it happened a few months later it was something more. After that I left my ex and we started our real relationship. For a long while he wasn't even my boyfriend, not until he felt like it was the right time. Eventually we became partners and hopefully someday soon I will get the pleasure of calling him my husband. At the time it drove me crazy how slow he wanted to go but in the end I now thank  him for making it meaningful, special and lasting. By building our friendship first we built the foundation that has kept us not only together but strong together. That gift is invaluable. Anyway, I remember the first night we met and the feelings I had when he left to go home. I remember the next  night too, because we had to see each other again the very next day. After he came to pick me up and we went out to his car he gave me this little silver box. He told me that when he met me yesterday it reminded him of me. It's a beautiful metal box that will last forever, well almost. Better than being a gift from someone I already knew I liked, I love small boxes and things like that to store things in. Silly, but it's me. I of course still have it next to the bed and keep only the most special of things in it. Every time I look at it or open it up I think of him and I remember that feeling sitting in the car when he first gave it to me. After a few weeks he gave me a sterling silver two piece puzzle ring that read "Only Love You" on the outside and when you lifted it apart, "Stay With Me" on the inside. It was also a pinky ring, we each had one on our pinky. It was a pinky ring for a pinky promise he told me. You better bet I still have that ring in a very safe place, I'm pretty sure the silver box. But things like that are the things that really have meaning and can help us stay strong and courageous through times of darkness. 
At the Natural History Museum last night I found a blue woven friendship bracelet that was misplaced. I looked through the whole store trying to find another so I could get two. I never found another and forgot about it after a few minutes. I did sneak and buy two little stone hearts and two color banded bracelets, each with a metal infinity sign. Small, not so expensive, gifts that once given increase their value exponentially. Today, away on his trip, he took the blue heart, blue is my favorite color, and his green infinity band. I wore my blue infinity band and carried my little red stone heart today. It's been nice to have something small and smooth to play with in my hand when I get nervous or anxious. My infinity bracelet never comes off, just as infinity never ends. When we got back into the car to drive home after the museum last night he handed me the map and brochures after we got into the truck. I was about to toss them in the back when he told me to stop, that it was for me. Slowly I opened the booklet and out fell the blue friendship band. On the card it said that this lucky bracelet must have a wished placed upon it as the giver ties it to their friends wrist. As time passes and the bracelet wears, it will fall off and according to legend that wish made will come true. After we got home he tied it on my wrist, and it isn't coming off as to keep true to the tradition of the friendship bracelet. I won't say what I wished, but it was something big and important to me. That's why this bracelet means so much to me. It's why I keep it on and why it gives me strength and joy. Little things can mean a lot, big things can mean a lot. Obviously the meaning comes from the significance it has to you. Don't be afraid to feel, we are humans and we were made with human logic and human emotion. Keep tokens you encounter in life, find some and make them tokens. Give something value and meaning so that it may return the favor to you. Love comes in all shapes and forms as does hope and inspiration. If you feel hopeless then look at the love and loved ones around you and draw from them. If you are blinded by situation and feel lost, look inward and make your own tokens from which to draw strength. You have the power and tools and potential inside yourself, all you have to do is draw on it in your time of need. I challenge you, take some time and find a new small token to carry that will help inspire you and encourage you to do the right thing. You can pick anything, it's all up to you. It's all about you. 

Crumbling Walls, Sturdy Foundation

This week has been a particularly rough one for me. We've all been on eggshells this week awaiting the result of the investigation taking place at work. Yesterday Orbitz called to tell me that my flights to Tennessee and back in April were messed up due to changes in times and schedules. At the end of the day they ended up beginning the process of giving me a complete refund and leaving me ticketless. On top of everything else my partner is leaving tomorrow to go out of town for a week. I don't handle separation or goodbyes well at all. I get paranoid and anxious. Everything that could possibly go wrong runs through my head over and over on repeat. I can never concentrate long enough to really get anything accomplished. I'm not sure which is worse though, the week before or the week of. Yes it's no fun being alone but I have my little Miss Stormborn to keep me busy and preoccupied. I miss him yea but counting down until his return home is what keeps me going because it gives me something concrete to hold on to. The calls, texts and voice message help too. The point is, it's not as terribly hard as I think it's going to be. It's no walk through the clouds but it's manageable. The week before, this week for me, I spend building anticipation and anxiety. I'm so afraid of the idea of what is happening, I don't want to be alone. Even little Dany gets anxious and upset for about a week before. I think she can sense it somehow and I swear our emotions and moods are tied together. The idea I build up in my mind of what I think is going to happen is so exaggerated and unproportional. In the end he is still going, being anxious isn't going to stop it from happening. Of course it's much easier to preach than to practice. I know what I have to do but getting it done is a whole other thing. I am getting better though, I'm much better now than I was three years ago. I still have room for improvement. I kept telling myself, stop - you're creating your own nightmares! If only I would listen to myself. 

This week hasn't been all that bad but it's been stressful and ridden with anxiety. Getting closer to the date, tomorrow, my level of chaos that I seem to carry in my chest is building and building. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. Of course I remind myself it's all in my head and I force my chest to rise and fall again as I push on in a life and world that stop for no one. I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to think negative and turn it around. The hard part is catching yourself because the negative comes naturally. Just try. So often we feel like crumbling walls, falling and unable to hold anything up. When we let the negativity around us take over our thinking we allow it to come in and put little cracks in our walls. As time passes the cracks combine and add up until there's nothing left except exposed wood and we feel as if we are breaking into nothing. When we take time to get rid of that negativity and turn it around those cracks start to get filled in. It is still fragile though, it takes time, patience and practice. The key is to make sure that you have a strong foundation. With that, no matter how much you fall, there will always be something standing to hold you up. Make a conscious decision to be joyful, to start acknowledging the negative but instead choosing to focus on the positive. We all want the best for ourselves, all it takes is action. Having made the decision to focus on being joyful I am having an easier time picking myself back up when I start to crumble and keep going like nothing happened. Yes I still get cracks, but my foundation and resolve are there and stronger than ever. I may crumble on the outside but I have my heart to put me back together again. 

My foundation is also built strong by the support I have from my loving partner. Without him I would have a very difficult time, we connect on so many different wavelengths that I can't believe in coincidence anymore. When he goes it feels like the rug is being ripped from underneath me, but I must remind myself that the foundation he helped build and is a part of is still here. His love isn't going anywhere, just his physical body for a short time. Even when I feel myself crumbling this week I can be reassured knowing that my foundation will still be there. My biggest fear every time he goes is that something terrible is going to happen and for some reason I'm not going to get to see or hold him again. The fear is debilatating and seems to take control of my thoughts and actions whenever it gets the chance. I have to find ways to distract myself because nothing I do will change my worrying and paranoia. We have our own routines and traditions now when one of us goes on a trip. This time, because I couldn't shake the anxiety, I picked up a couple things when we were at the Natural History Museum this evening. Just small things, silly even. I got a little blue stone heart for him and a red one for me, so we can each carry the other's heart with us this week. Yes we have our rings and other things but this is just something small and cute between us that will make the week a little easier. I also got ankle/wrist bands for us in our favorite colors. Weaved into each is a silver metal infinity sign. So this week when we get lonely we can be reminded not just that we are loved but that our love is timeless and forgiving. Small cheap, but meaningful, gestures of love and hope that help make the difficult days a little easier. Find a little something for you, or you and your best friend or loved one. When you see that silly charm bracelet get one for you and your friend. You'll have something to laugh and smile about, something to feed you that joy. When you feel like your wall is starting to crumble remember all you need is a strong foundation to keep you standing, and it's never too late to start building one. By surrounding ourselves with joy and positivity we help build up our own foundation and base. Be strong, or make yourself stronger, the choice is yours. A strong foundation is the key to a strong sense of joy. I challenge you, find something small and silly that reminds you of someone or something you love and carry it with you this week. When you see it remind yourself why it means so much to you, sometimes it just takes some recognition to get to the joy we have within ourselves. 

The Sum of Our Parts

Ever since I can remember I have always known I would work in the healthcare field. The biggest reason? When I was little I would sit and wonder about everything going on inside me, physiologically I mean. All these billions of things hanging in a precious balance. One tiny change this way or that or any little change to our environment or atmosphere and everything starts to crash and fall out of place. Our bodies and minds are in exact sync, that's how each of us can exist as we are in this world. Look at all we are made up of. Look at all the things that make us up, even in minuscule quantities. We are more than one single thing and yet more than the sum of our parts. But look at those parts. How can you still feel hopeless after that? You are so many different things and are here the way you are supposed to be in just the right balance and symbiosis. Don't forget it, don't forget to take a step back and look at just how you and your life are made up of enough parts to make it through one bad one. 

Through Closing Doors

Life is a journey filled with doors, doors that open up to whole new worlds and adventures and doors that either open up to nothing or are closed shut tight enough to seal them off for a lifetime. It's important that you know which doors are open to you and which ones should be closed. Our lives are merely a combination of the doors we've opened and the repercussions that always come along. We can always stay stagnant or we can constantly challenge ourselves to evolve and grow. When you see a door you want or one you feel is right and it's open to you don't hesitate. So many times in life doors that were meant for us close before we can make it through. Some doors have long spanning windows and most are only open for a brief second. We have to always be alert and have our hearts and minds open to new experiences seeking us out. Just as important, we have to be alert for the doors that deceive us and lead nowhere. Or the doors that will never open because they were never meant for us. Running into a closed door can be painful and traumatic, but remind yourself that while this door closes another opens. You may not be able to see it now, but it's there I promise. Later you'll look back and laugh at your foolishness. That's life. It's door after door after door, ceaseless and never ending. It seems sometimes like the doors we are struggling at were never meant to be opened anyway. A flat concrete wall with nothing but a stone frame. Don't deceive yourself when your losing or down and out, realize that's not your door and get up off your ass and find yours. 

Walk With Hope

We all have struggles that are both real and terrifying. Each of us has a different path, but we can always count on roadblocks and hurdles on any path we take. How we deal with those obstacles is what decides who we are to become as a person. This picture popped up on Facebook last night and really touched me. The joy the little boy has on his face is contagious. If he can look at his situation and be happy and proud there's no reason we as adults can't do the same. Yes it may be hard, but do you think it was easy for this little man? Who do you admire or look up to for the way they deal with problems, stress and roadblocks? 

Stormy Skies

I took a picture yesterday getting out of my truck and heading into the house. It was such an awe inspiring sight with the clouds and rain and open sky mixed with the cold nipping at all of my exposed skin. The light peaking through the dark clouds felt so warm and refreshing. The picture doesn't even do it justice, but it at least shines some light on it. Through all that darkness and downpour of rain rays of sunlight emerged as strong as ever. You can quite literally see it in the picture. The small beams of sunlight are so contrasting and so revealing. Maybe it's a reminder that through every storm comes bright sunlight. Even in the middle of what seems like an impossibly torential downfall we can have hope. Reminders of the joy we have to hold on to, what will give us the strength we need to make it through. 

The second picture I took last night when we were taking Miss Stormborn for a walk. I looked up and saw that beautiful contrasting night sky. To top it all off is the palm tree in the corner. That sky though, it reminded me of the clear after every storm and the fact that life is made up of cloudy and clear night skies, meaning that neither one could prevail continuously. Through the clouds and rain we must remember that they won't last forever, soon there will be clear skies again. We must treasure the good days when things feel hopeful so that we have something to hold on to and fuel us through the night. Ups and downs, highs and lows. Contrasting, that's what life really is about. When you start to get upset or feel like you are having a bad day stop yourself and think about the last time you went to the movies or the newest album you ordered on iTunes. Think about those clear skies and that bright warm sunlight. Bathe in the soothing memories and give the joy inside you the fuel it needs to keep the fire going. Give yourself some hope.