One Step At A Time, Never Thinking Of More Than What Surrounds You

My biggest problems in life have always been depression and anxiety. Even when I was a kid I remember lying in bed at night and praying for the safety and health of me, my family, my friends, my friend's family, friends of my friends and their families too. Over and over I would go through everything in my head like a practiced rhythm, making sure to include every tiny detail and person. I would pray for people I didn't know, for strangers and neighbors. I couldn't stand the thought or worry over someone being hurt, and believe it or not those thoughts were always there no matter what I did. But if I went through my rituals it helped me cope and made things more bearable. I of course have always missed the fact that the problem isn't trying to find rituals to cope but to learn to live without the anxiety to begin with. Taking it day by day has always been a foreign concept to me, therefore so has happiness. I mean, I know what it feels like to be happy, but true happiness I didn't discover until a few short years ago. I still struggle today, but it is much easier than before. Learning how to live both Joyfully and Mindfully have guided me to a life not free of bad things and negativity, but free of needless anxiety and worry over things that are neither under my control nor even necessary to worry about. 

I have ground my teeth bad since I was a young kid, probably starting in high school. By the time I got to college the dentist asked if I had a stressful job because I had ground my k9's completely flat, all of my teeth were and are now completely flat. When I get really stressed I will do it throughout the day without even realizing. That's when the headaches get really bad, although I still get plenty in the mornings from nighttime grinding. The sound, just thinking about it makes me cringe and tremble. I wear a night guard now and it helps most of the time. The point is I really take anxiety to heart and I don't let go. It has really been a challenge for me to let go of the reigns and allow myself to just be. When you think about it though, it is all we truly have. The here and now, what is right in front of us. That is life, our lives. The lives we are supposed to be living. All we have is today because we really have no freaking idea if we will be alive tomorrow. That thought has terrified me since I was a little kid, knowing I could and would eventually die any day of any number of things. That is what makes life precious, that is what makes it mean something. We are only here for a short time and what we do in that time is what matters. Our lives have value because they are mortal. Just like a rose has its value because it will eventually wilt and die and no longer be beautiful. 

We have to think of life like a flower, it's going to end sometime in the future and we have to live every moment to the fullest because we don't know how many of them we are going to get. You never know what you have until it's gone. I wear my mala beads everyday under my shirt to work, to the store, around the house, and they are amazingly calming. There are times where I won't have too long but I will stop for even just a few seconds and recite my mantra moving bead to bead and focusing my intention and thoughts. It makes me feel safe, it makes me feel a little stronger. My mantra helps too. That's the first step. Pick one for yourself if you don't have one, think about it and make it something that is important to you. Something that has meaning. Something that is relatively short and easy to remember and repeat. Make it something that describes who you feel you really are, make it something to give you strength and empower you. I was walking through the multi-level and multi-enclosure Aviary at the LA Zoo the other day when I saw this staircase going down. I was so busy looking over the edge at the birds and small animals that I took each step slowly and carefully and used the railing to help my clumsy self. It reminded me of being mindful and living in the present, literally taking it one step at a time. The path ahead curved downward, how fitting to complete the metaphor for life. You don't know what's coming, no one does. Live today to the fullest while making sure tomorrow is secured. Don't waste time over worry and unnecessary stress, all stress is unnecessary by the way. Things will always get rough, find your mantra and be mindful. Taking it one step, one day, at a time is the best place to start when you want to take control of your life and turn it into one filled with Joy and free of anxiety and stress. 

Anger Not Only Destroys You, But The World Around You

Anger is something we all must deal with, a toxic disease that spreads like wildfire. Something that a lot of times isn't even under our control once it gets started. Frustration is a way of life, nothing is ever going to go exactly how we planned. We must learn to be fluid and flexible and adaptable or we will only suffer under the stress and weight of anger and guilt. When we hold anger in we only destroy ourselves, and when we express anger in the wrong way we hurt all of those around us. The hard part comes when we can't even tell what we are doing. Anger is irrational, you're making yourself upset over something you can't change now whatever it is. All you can do is learn to adapt. You have no control over your surroundings, and there are going to be so many times that those surroundings provoke a negative response from you. My problem comes because I carry my anger inside and don't let it out or talk to anyone about it and then it just boils over in one big mess. By that time I have no control over what I am saying or doing, my thoughts race and rational thinking is out the window. Once that starts it becomes very hard to catch myself because how can you catch yourself when you can't even think right? The trick is catching those thoughts when they first pop up and dealing with them then, or taking the time to deal with them before they become something unmanageable and you get even more upset. 

There are so many outlets out there. I love to write, it's a way I let go of all the stress and anger inside. Sometimes though that isn't enough. I need something to release before it explodes. I've found one good thing is walking or hiking. Use some energy and get outside. Clear your mind and release some endorphins. Go by yourself and reflect and meditate or go with a friend or partner. The key is to get it out. Express how you feel in a way you can control, that way your emotions will never control you. For me, when the anger really gets going the only thing that makes it better is getting a tattoo. I always get things that have obvious importance to me, but something about the pain of the needle and the release is intoxicating. After my two tattoos last night I felt like a weight was off my chest and shoulders. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard on air and this morning when I woke up I wasn't angry or frustrated at all. I haven't been in a bad mood all day because I don't have those pent up feelings anymore. I decided to get the Cancer constellation, the stars in the sky when I was born, and the symbol for mindfulness on my wrist. I found the mindfulness symbol just yesterday but it is so perfect. I've wasted most of my life, I never live in the present because I am constantly worried or stressed about what has or what will happen. I needed something to remind me to stay in the here and now. So I put it right under the word Joy because I thought true Joy can only come with mindfulness. I used the pain to help channel all the anger and frustration I've been feeling lately. I must say that I feel so much better now, and that mindfulness symbol has really had an impact on my thinking. 

Here's what the symbol means:

"This symbol is presented like a physical representation of present moment.

Vertical forms represent time – past and future. Horizontal forms represent space – 360 degrees. And the one is always in the center – being here and now – perfect equanimity.

Secondly, you can see a symbol of a water drop. This is the most often used metaphor to represent the idea of mindfulness. Only this water drop symbol is presented in a kind of mirrored way. But do not think about it, because as mentioned above, this is time – past and future, both are illusions, stay centered in the present."

http://www.radicalcourse.com/here-and-now-symbol-present-moment-awareness/

How perfect and how amazing. I knew it was the right choice. The whole time I was sitting there I was channeling all my negative thoughts and feelings through that tiny needle. While you may not like pain or be able to tolerate needles, look for and find something that speaks to you. Get those negative thoughts out before they poison you. Talk to someone, talk to your dog, talk to youself. Find a way to remind yourself to be mindful and present in the here and now because one thing is for sure, with bottled up anger there is no room for joy and no chance of healing. 

Finding Joy In The Peace of Others

Saturday, finally here, woo hoo! Admit it, most of us spend the whole week looking forward to the weekend, or our days off. The freedom is intoxicating. Of course I am always on call but that's ok, most of the time I don't get any major nursing problems. I love my job and I don't mind coming in when I am needed, but sometimes I do just want a whole day to myself after working the craziest and longest hours for the past two weeks. Today I got a call at almost 10am asking when I was going to go in to the office to fill out the Incident Report that needed to be sent in. Of course after that I couldn't rest or go back to sleep or even relax. I got up, showered, got dressed and my partner made me some coffee on my way out the door. On the way there, and back for that matter, I listened to fun music. I listened to music that I loved, that put me in a good mood. Music from the past is always the best. The memories associated with certain songs can be as strong over the years as the ones made last night when you went out with friends. I just forced myself to relax by focusing on only what I was doing at that moment and I kept reminding myself that it was only one small thing I had to do and then I could go home. Of course it went by in a quick hour and I enjoyed myself. It really took me only a few minutes to write it all out and I got to visit with the guys at the house, the staff there and even my administrator. The sunny ride home was relaxing and seemed to go by pretty fast not thinking about it. When I got home I changed and got a Red Bull and we decided to go for a walk. I had the rest of the day to enjoy and do something, why sit around upset because I had to go to something when not only did I have the time and weather to have an amazing day but I also had someone who loved me and actually wanted to spend their time with me. Whenever I can make myself calm down and realize that fact I always feel better.
We scooped up little Miss Daenerys and got in the truck to go to the park. On the way we had to get gas because the light was on. Upon turning the first corner from the apartment Dany got excited and kicked my tropical Red Bull onto the floor and out of my lap. It of course spilled most of it's contents onto my lap, my leg and the floor. She jumped up scared and climbed into the backseat. Needless to say I was stupidly upset and frustrated. I didn't say anything the whole way to the gas station because I was fuming and I just wanted to scream. Why couldn't everything just go right? While I was pumping gas my partner cleaned the spilled drink and when I wasn't looking he even snuck inside and bought me a new Red Bull and got a bottle of water. I kind of had to just swallow my pride there and give in. I thanked him and forced myself to forget about the sticky situation. I couldn't believe that someone had done that for me, just because they knew I was upset about something. I mean I guess I can believe it, but it still catches me off guard every time. This is why I am in love.
We enjoyed our walk at the park and had fun with our little girl. It is always so refreshing to be out in the sun, especially among all the trees. I got to watch Miss Stormborn chase the million squirrels playing in the grass and the trees. She had just as much fun as we did. Of course she pooped herself out and had to be carried back to the truck. She enjoyed every second of it, don't be fooled. I know her tricks, my partner just gives in to her cuteness more than I do. After getting home we collapsed onto the bed to watch something funny on television and bask in the coolness of the air conditioner. Dany curled right up between us and before we were even settled she was fast asleep in bed. I sat up and just watched her, slowly breathing in and out with her eyes closed and her body curled up relaxed. She slept through the sound of the camera on the phone and me moving around to get the perfect view. She was completely out of it, poor thing. Her peaceful face just made my heart ache. Watching her there I didn't want to move at all. I could have stared at her for hours. As she calmed me down and settled my mind and heart I realized that it didn't matter if I had to go to work today for a little bit. It didn't matter that I would probably get called in tomorrow to admit a client back from the hospital. It didn't matter that I felt like all I was doing was working. I had a partner who would go out of his way to make me feel better and give me what I wanted when I screw up. Well, I have a partner. I am very lucky and there should never be a moment in time when I don't feel like I will always have someone there to back me up, even if I can't always see him. If Miss Stormborn could have the time of her life in the sun and then come home and collapse then why couldn't I let go of all the stupid things worrying me and enjoy the valuable time I keep wishing I had more of? Watching her sleep there, with my love in the background, I realized that those things didn't matter. Life is what is happening right now, when we are too busy planning and thinking to really see it and enjoy it. Today I found peace in the two loves of my life. Their being at peace and enjoying their lives joyfully gave me the support I needed to do the same. I just have to stop holding on to pain, stress and anxiety. All I ever want is more time to be with those I love, so why not take the time I do have and make the most of it?

Simple Tool #1 - A Little Great Escape

For a while I've been thinking of starting a series or a set of posts that allow me to share the certain things, people and activities that bring me joy. The first one I am calling "Simple Tools." It is exactly that, a collection of simple little things that are so easy to do they will almost come naturally after a while. We can all use a little more joy in our lives, I'm hoping to share some tools I use to help me in order to either help you or help you find your own way. Joy is contagious, passing on these tools passes along infinite opportunities to create ones own joy as well as paying it forward to the world around.
One of the easiest and most simple ways to get a little joy out of life and gain some perspective is to just get up and go for a walk. I'm serious. The act of getting up and going for a walk helps your cardiovascular system, helps work out your muscles and eases your troubled mind. Getting even thirty minutes of exercise a day can do wonders for your health, including your concentration and sleep. For as long as I can remember I would always go for long walks whenever I was upset or stressed out. In college I remember going for ten mile runs to shake off all the anxiety and jitters after studying for one of my big nursing exams. The best part was the feeling when I was returning back home. Everything looked a little better and most of my problems had worked themselves out in my head while I ran. Sweating out all those toxins made my body as well as my mind feel reenergized. I was refreshed. Whether I thought things through as I ran, made a plan in my head or just let things simmer I always came home with at least a goal and a starting point. It was like hitting the reset button when life got just a little too crazy. Just getting out and being active increases self esteem, decreases stress, increases ones sense of well-being, leads to better rest and the list goes on almost indefinitely.

I remember my first two years as a new nurse on a medical-surgical floor in a hospital very well, including how I used to go outside on my lunch break every day for thirty minutes and walk around the pond next to the hospital. I would walk and eat or walk and drink. Sometimes I would just walk. Even when it was cold I would eat my lunch quickly or on the go so I could go straight outside for a walk all bundled up in my winter coat. The fresh air, even the cold air, always felt so good after the stale hospital air. Whenever I went back in and got back to whatever I was doing it seemed so much easier. The mountains weren't even mountains anymore. Besides, after eating I would go walking instead of sitting, helping to digest food and boost metabolism. As a new nurse with seven patients a day my mind was racing twenty-four seven. Even when I would get home I would sit at my kitchen table and go over every patient and every step in my day. In the end the only thing that freed me was making myself let go. One of my tricks to do that was going for a walk. When I quit smoking cigarettes I started running the next day, running more and more and faster and faster every day. It was hard as hell, but it paid off. I built up my strength and resilience.
Today I go for walks all the time. My partner and I are now going at least two miles every day. During the day we will text each other and come up with where we want to go that day, and as soon as I get off work I come home to change so we can go. Miss Daenerys Stormborn, our little deer chihuahua, comes with us almost every day. She loves it and looks forward to it just as much as we do. There are certain spots and parks where when we pull up she starts going crazy in the truck because she knows exactly where she's at. The squirrels are her favorite, she could chase them for hours. It's funny to watch them tease each other. She makes me forget about everything going on, even the stressful things I was planning on going over and over in my head while I was hiking. Watching her run and play is priceless. She gets this little smile on her face that just makes me grin. Dany only has me and my partner, we are the ones who take care of and provide for her. In that same sense I also believe that it is our responsibility to make sure she is happy and lives a joyful life. I love doing things for her just as much as I do for my partner or my friends. I love it when she gets excited, I know that she really means it. The joy is limitless when it comes to dogs, or really any pets. Thousands of books have been written about it, but it all boils down to one thing. It is the same as with for people, we are passing joy along to someone else. This someone else just happens to have some fur and paws. The reward it just as great though.
Anyway, back to the walk. Dany loves going exploring with us and we love bringing her. She is a piece of our little family. You can go with your family, your friends or alone. Being with people who care about you always helps ease your mind and relax you, just as sometimes being alone and just taking in the silence is the healing we need. A walk can be for five minutes or it can be for hours, it's up to you and how much time you have. Now at work I park out in front of one of the houses so I have to move my truck every hour. Those five minutes of walking and moving the truck are little breathers that help me wipe my slate clean and get through the day without a problem. Sometimes I'll take a lunch and go for a walk in one of the parks down the street for thirty minutes or until I am relaxed enough to return. One of my favorite things to do when I am stressed is to go to Wal Mart or Target and just walk around. I am weird I know. The point is there are a million reasons and a million ways to take a walk. Inside, outside, up the stairs, down the stairs, running, walking - whatever it may be. It's about you and bringing yourself that calming sense of joy.
Make it a regular habit and part of your routine. Then when something comes up that's unexpected you just take a step out and walk it off. Go around the corner, around the block or around to the other side of the park. The point is, just go. There's always time. Maybe after work you walk around the parking lot or down the block and back before getting in the car and going home. Walk off the day, get everything off your mind. Relax yourself, it's what you want anyway. Why not actually proactively do something about it? Today at work one of the guys hadn't used the bathroom, and he had a history of stomach problems, so I took a break and went for a walk around the block and neighborhood with him. I had fun and it kept me smiling the whole time. Of course it worked, but taking the time to go with him is what did it for me.
I challenge you to add more steps to your day. Phones are now coming with built in pedometers, there are fitness bands like the one each of us have that count steps and other things. It's an easy way to track yourself and increase your stepping actively. Even if you don't have any of that, try to add steps to your routine. Park in the back of the parking lot. Walk all the way around the store before going to the check out line. When you walk to the mailbox take a few minutes to walk down the street and back. Go in the side of the mall farthest from the store you want to go to. Have fun with it, I do. Make it a challenge or a game. Find silly little ways to randomly, or habitually, get yourself going. You will feel better, I promise. Joy is an elusive thing, mostly because we have so much in our heads blocking it out. There are things we can do to help focus and relax and really take a look at ourselves and the world around us, simple little tools to survive. The first one is this: take a hike, go for a walk - clear your mind so that you can be productive again and get more of the stuff done you want. Taking a break works, starting back with a fresh battery at one in the afternoon is sure as hell a lot better than running on twenty percent voltage. Take a loved one, a pet, with you or go alone. Do what feels right, just do it.